thehardtimes
patreon
Hard Digest January 31: Early Access Reign in Blood, Ohio, David Lynch, and More
🕑 Added 2025-02-01 01:00:05 +0000 UTCMiddle-Aged Metal Fan Prepares Elaborate Story for Record Store Clerk About Why He’s Just Now Purchasing “Reign in Blood”
By SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local 46-year-old metalhead Rich Dresden nervously concocted a complex narrative to explain to the clerk at Urgent Breakdown Records why he was only now purchasing a physical copy of Slayer’s classic 1986 album “Reign in Blood,” disinterested sources confirmed.
“I used to have a cassette copy that I dubbed from my buddy’s CD in 10th grade,” Dresden muttered in preparation as he paced the aisles with the seminal thrash album tucked under his arm. “Then that got stuck in the tape deck of my car, but that was around the time that Napster really took off, so I was able to download all the tracks, even though half of them said they were Anthrax songs. But yeah, I burned a CD made up of those downloads and had that until it got too scratched, and then I was going to buy the vinyl but I could never find it at my local Target, and I refuse to buy records from Amazon, so yeah, you know. Let’s just hope the cashier doesn’t find any plotholes in my story.”
Urgent Breakdown Records clerk Ashley Browning said that listening to such tales is totally routine in her line of work.
“Yeah, I could see [Dresden] psyching himself up as he fidgeted in the checkout line,” Browning explained while yawning. “And since he was wearing a battle vest with a bunch of metal band patches, I knew exactly what was coming. A few weeks ago, this guy who was probably in his early 50s and was dressed like he was in Williamsburg in 2001 came in to buy the first Arcade Fire record, and I was treated to a soliloquy about how his ex took his original copy when she moved out, and so he had to replace it with this inferior re-press. Weird that all Arcade Fire fans use this identical story.”
Musicologist Fred Erikson, PhD, confirmed that this is a common occurrence.
“People who attach their own sense of identity to music fandom can get caught in a catch-22: They don’t yet own a classic album of their preferred genre, but to obtain one, they have to implicitly admit that they don’t already have it,” said Erikson. “In my last article, I refer to it as The Poser’s Dilemma. To be an expert in a genre, you must know the classics, but unfortunately, to look like an expert you actually can’t purchase the iconic ones publicly. You simply can’t win.”
At press time, Dresden further embarrassed himself by also deciding to buy a copy of Kerry King’s 2024 solo album “From Hell I Rise.”
Humiliation Kink? This Band is Playing Three Ohio Dates on Their Upcoming Tour
By Mimi Kenny
At first glance, Bagel Bytes might just seem like your average, ordinary, everyday post-electroclash quintet. But the Greenpoint outfit has also been revealed as one that takes certain – some might say perverse – pleasure in having their shame on display for all to see. This was evidenced by their recent announcement of a lengthy upcoming spring tour, one which includes three dates in Ohio.
“Playing Ohio is an experience that just about every band will have to endure at least once in their careers,” record store owner Doug Milch said. “But there was an unspoken understanding that you don’t draw attention to it. Like, when my band Nylon Mylar was active back in the early aughts, we’d deliberately make any Ohio dates as small as our tour manager would let us. And there was an iron-clad clause in our contract that we would only do two per tour, before we renegotiated it to just one every five years. Meanwhile, these guys are playing three Ohio dates and posting it across social media for anyone to see. They realize their names and photos are public, right?”
Sexologist Dr. Michele Snowden argues that Bagel Bytes apparent lack of self-mortification regarding their upcoming trio of Ohio shows likely speaks to the cognitive dissonance that thrills humiliation enthusiasts in ways that outsiders to the lifestyle struggle to process.
“The very thought of you or I broadcasting to the world that we’ll be in Ohio for any amount of time, naturally triggers our sympathetic nervous system, often leading to a full-body sense of tension and disgust,” Snowden said. “The members of Bagel Bytes all but certain had this happen to them, and playing three shows indicates they felt the need to heighten the sensation to an even greater extent. While this kind of behavior isn’t ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ on its own, it is important not to go too far in self-debasement. Like, they’re only playing one actual city, Cleveland. The other two dates are in Youngstown and Chillicothe. They’re coming dangerously close to what’s considered the ultimate humiliation: actually living in Ohio.”
Mercedes Fischetti, an early fan of Bagel Bytes who regularly attends their shows, admitted that this news has changed how she sees the band.
“I hate to ‘yuck anyone’s yum’, as the saying goes,” FIschetti said. ‘But I don’t know if I can look at them the same way after knowing they’re…like that. Oh, God, I bought a shirt from them last year. I would’ve never given them money had I known this is what they’d be using it for.”
Bagel Bytes continues to show their unapologetic self-masochism to this day evidenced by an Instagram post containing the phrase “Stoked to explore the Buckeye state!”
Trump Pays Tribute to David Lynch with 80-Minute Speech About How Deeply He Identifies with Frank Booth from “Blue Velvet”
By WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump recently paid his respects to filmmaker David Lynch with a drawn out speech primarily focusing on his deep admiration of “Blue Velvet” antagonist Frank Booth, confirmed sources who sort of already suspected this was the case.
“Look, this David Lynch guy? Pretty interesting director. ‘Blue Velvet’? Very tremendous movie,” Trump said. “Fantastic guy, this Frank Booth. He knows what he wants and he just goes for it. Nobody’s going to get in his way. When he has that encounter with Dorothy at her apartment? Very nice, very romantic. I don’t know why that Jeffrey thought he had any right to try to stop it. Dorothy obviously loved Frank very much. It was all very consensual. Perfectly consensual. And meanwhile, he’s so nice to his friends. When he toasts his good friend Ben and Jeffrey doesn’t say ‘Here’s to Ben’ with enough enthusiasm? Frank immediately calls him out for not being polite. Good old-fashioned manners. I modeled my administration just like Frank’s close circle of friends.”
MAGA voter Jim Hudson immediately shaped his own opinion based on Trump’s.
“I don’t know anything about David Lynch—wait, actually, did he make ‘Fight Club’? Now that’s a movie that understands the modern man right there,” said Hudson. “But if Trump says this Frank Booth guy is great, I know he’s right. He’s always correct. I just checked out Frank’s Wikipedia page and it says he’s a crazed psychopathic gangster. I’m sure he’s just misunderstood. I mean, how bad could he be? Seems like he would’ve been against the mask mandates, so clearly he’s my kind of guy.”
Film scholar Jon Waterson expressed amusement at Trump’s enthusiasm.
“Frank Booth is obviously a representation of all of the worst characteristics of the American male in the Reagan era. He’s unhinged and violent, and coerces sexual favors through psychological torture. I’d be very concerned about anybody who claims to identify with him,” said Waterson. “But then again, Trump once said his favorite film of all time is ‘Citizen Kane,’ and anyone who’s seen it knows perfectly well that Kane is the bad guy, so who knows. At least I think so. I’ve never seen it.”
At press time, Trump was fielding a question about his administration’s policies on food safety and regulation by urging reporters to “check out the chicken dinner scene in ‘Eraserhead.’”
Resolution to Quit Smoking Immediately Fails With Mad Men Rewatch
BY ASTORIA, NY— Contrary to his investment in nicotine gum and promises to his loved ones, local man, Conor Wyles, postponed his plans to quit smoking after streaming the first season of “Mad Men.”
“I’m not a New Years resolution guy, but with cigarettes being $19 now, it was time to quit. I’ve been trying for a while, but it’s already been a rough year, just the cultural conflicts and political turmoil, it’s a lot like the 1960s,” said Wyles while loosening a skinny tie to light up with a vintage Korean War army-issue lighter. “Did you know that in Greek, literally means pain from an old wound. This [cigarette] isn’t a space ship, it’s a time machine. It goes backwards, forwards. It takes us to a place where we ache to go again. Like a carousel.”
Wyles’ romantic attachment to smoking has drawn concern from his loved ones.
“It’s 2025, who smokes anymore? It’s disgusting. I’m obviously worried about his health, I want to spend many more years revisiting prestige TV shows with Conor. I just wish he wasn’t so impressionable” said Wyle’s Fiance Lucy Yokoi while spraying Febreeze on her couch. “We just finished ‘The Sopranos,’ I appreciated him cooking baked ziti, but I could do without being called a stunad when I called him out on his casual racism.”
According to experts, what’s happened to Wyles is not an uncommon phenomenon.
“The negative influence of media is a common lightning rod for politicians looking to make a name for themselves, from congressional hearings over horror comic books in the 1950s to the violent video game uproar of the 1990s, but research proves time and again that the media does not cause negative effects in children” said University of Virginia Psychologist Dr. Marilyn Alexander. “However, men of a certain age are highly suggestible to take on the affectations of aspirational characters, known in psychiatry circles as ’The Lebowski Effect’ wherein a man will order White Russians for two weeks after watching ’The Big Lebowski.’
At press time, Wyles couldn’t be reached for comment, but according to his Amazon Prime account he just completed the episode where Harry Crane smoked pot and ate 20 White Castle sliders by himself.
Shang Tsung Starting To Think That Last Soul Not Sitting Right
BY EARTHREALM — Powerful sorcerer and host of Mortal Kombat Shang Tsung found himself experiencing digestive irritation following his absorption of the soul of a defeated fighter, sources report.
“It’s the first day of the tournament, so there have been a lot of fights over the past few hours,” Shang Tsung groaned while clutching his stomach. “I knew I was in for a rough afternoon when I felt full after the third fight. The last loser was just some random Muay Thai expert from Colorado, and I really should not have indulged because I’ve already absorbed the souls of countless fighters just like him, but I just couldn’t resist. I’m really regretting it now.”
Shang Tsung’s chief ally and Prince of the Shokan Goro reflected on his friend’s stomach troubles.
“I told Shang Tsung to take it easy, but he obviously didn’t listen,” Goro reflected. “This happens every tournament, so I’m starting to think he completely forgets how miserable overconsumption makes him. If past years are any indication, he’s going to be up all night vomiting and shitting his brains out. He’ll get better as the fighters thin out tomorrow, but he needs to take it easy for now. Honestly, I’m concerned how this will affect his performance if he needs to fight. There’s this new guy here named Liu Kang who looks pretty formidable. He’d have to go through me first, so obviously I’m not terribly worried, but you never know.”
Gastroenterologist Kira Campillai weighed in on the situation.
“Video game players don’t often think about the effect their favorite characters’ diets have on their guts, but it’s very common for them to experience distress,” Campillai said. “I’ve had Kirby in my office countless times, and Alucard consistently finds himself suffering after eating turkey and pudding he finds in the walls of his father’s castle. My advice to Shang Tsung is to exhibit self-control going forward, and maybe accompany his soul absorption with a kombucha or some kimchi.”
At press time, Shang Tsung’s condition worsened after he was accidentally struck in the stomach by a stray lightning bolt from Raiden.
