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Hard Digest February 2: Early Acess VFW Shows, Food, Discogs, and More
🕑 Added 2025-02-03 01:00:04 +0000 UTCVFW Has Emergency Fish Fry in Order to Rid It of Stench from Weekend Punk Show
By Chris Bowen
UTICA, N.Y. — VFW Post 226 held an emergency fish fry in an attempt to relieve it from the stench that lingered from the punk show held the previous weekend, dry heaving sources report.
“It was awful, and I knew we had to act fast. The smells of B.O. and five bands worth of vocalist’s halitosis were permanently sinking into the walls and floors very quickly,” Post 226 Commander Donald Sperger explained. “The usual patrons are used to the comforting stench of fryer grease, pungent haddock, stale popcorn, and sweat from sitting at the bar despite no physical activity. Things may never return to normal. You’d think we’d have learned a lesson from renting out the space for that metal show over the summer. Never again.”
Local show organizer William Krantz thought the event went off without a hitch.
“I knew we weren’t going to get our security deposit back considering every surface in the place was sticky and it looked as if they never stopped smoking cigarettes inside. If anything, we enhanced the interior aroma,” Kratz stated. “All I’m going to say is they better hope they have enough hot fish for 50 VFWs, because the stench from the crust punk band who headlined has been known to peel paint off of venue walls. Really they can keep the security deposit towards buying a new building, because that’s probably the only realistic solution to this.”
Scene veteran Rick “Spew” Kelvolev says fumigation after punk shows is a largely unspoken part of the process.
“Most people don’t think of the horrors venue owners face when a punk show is done, and everyone has gone home, or passed out drunk somewhere on the premises,” Kelvolev explained. “These places depend on non-punk business most of the time, and the odors that come with the punk scene just aren’t handled well by the general public. Most venues have emergency Axe Body Spray attachments to their sprinkler system that are turned on after the lights go out. Many venues have succumbed to the fire hazard these Axe systems pose, but you can thank them next time you don’t walk into a venue and get nauseous.”
At press time, VFW Post 226 held a fundraiser to help replace its bathroom toilet permanently clogged from the show.
This Is the Year I Lose the Weight, Because I Won’t Be Able To Afford Food
By Dan Rice
All right 2025, let’s do this! Every year of my adult life my New Year’s resolution has been to lose weight, and every year I not only fail but wind up a little fatter than I was the year before. That ends now. How am I so sure? Because thanks to inflation, Trump’s tariffs, and AI “disrupting” the job market, I will simply not be able to afford food this year.
It’s going to happen, I have no control over it, so I may as well act like it’s my plan!
With even fast food chains buckling under the pressure of economic failure, my plan is sure to succeed! The McDonald’s double cheeseburger was once the highest dollar-to-calorie ratio in the world. In 2025, if I’m lucky enough to get one, I’ll be eating half, and passing the remainder down to my son when I die.
I knew we were in trouble last year when I found myself using quad-pay apps for ubereats, essentially leasing pizza. It seems like a good investment when you’re stoned at midnight, but I’m sorry to report that none of those pies have appreciated in value. On the plus side, when I lost my job and couldn’t make payments anymore, there was nothing for the repo guys to repossess!
Due to budgetary restrictions, my diet is now down to about two bananas and half a can of tuna per day, barely enough to sustain my daily bodily functions let alone pack on the pounds! I had to make a new hole in my belt this morning, and aside from the fact that my malnourished body was barely able to puncture the leather, and the fact that I cut myself doing it, and the fact that I’ve never had a cut bleed.
Hey, I’m just glad guys like Musk are in there to stop the government from spending money on frivolous things, like us and the stuff that keeps us alive. They’re running the country like a business and let’s face facts, a comfortable human life has never been terribly profitable.
The only real downside is none of my friends will be around to see my transformation. By the time I start looking lean, they’ll be long dead from starvation, an event that my fat reserves will keep me around just long enough to witness before perishing myself. Don’t worry, I’ll wait an appropriate amount of grieving time before I cave to desperation and eat your remains!
Discogs Used to Calculate Net Worth
By Rob Ryder
BALTIMORE — Local vinyl collector and self-proclaimed financial wizard Eric Drysden recently calculated his net worth using vinyl website Discogs.com, claimed friends who were definitely not helping the situation.
“Financial planning isn’t something I studied, it just kind of came naturally to me,” said Drysden while flipping through the latest issue of The Economist. “I knew that vinyl was the honey-pot of my net worth and Discogs is like my Stock Exchange. I’ve been collecting for almost three years, and let me tell you, I have some gems. It took me about three days to enter everything, though it probably would’ve been quicker if I hadn’t forgotten my password every fucking time I logged in. Sure, I’ll probably never be able to retire, but at least I have a Japanese pressing of a Spin Doctors album, and that’s close enough.”
Friend and enabler John Gilbert assisted Drysden in his financial goals, providing sound vinyl advice along the way.
“I don’t have any records myself, but my guy Eric is the one of the shrewdest investors in this town’s scene, and when he needs a little push on a big deal, I’m there for him,” said Gilbert while reading the latest issue of Hot Rod Magazine. “Just the other day we were at Target and found Smash Mouth’s greatest hits on purple splatter vinyl. Eric almost passed on it, but I explained to him that it’s a totally sound investment and will easily catalog for double on Discogs within 25 years.”
Financial planner Geroge Thorton says its familiar territory for those who haven’t been able to save for retirement.
“Honestly, I don’t even give a shit anymore,” said Thorton while reviewing a list of action figures in a will. “The Discogs list he put together has the collection assessed from a low of $17 to a high of $37,839. Fifteen years ago this would make any financial planner panic, but honestly it’s no less volatile than most of the world markets right now. The other day I had a client list his assets as how many Playstation games he thinks his friend Troy can ‘accidentally’ throw in a dumpster behind the local Best Buy, so I guess it could be worse.”
At press time, Drysden was contemplating diversifying the portfolio with a box of 173 old cassettes at Goodwill.
Max Payne Remake Devs Promise to Fix “Pesky” Slowdown Issue During Shootouts
BY Simon Bower
ESPOO, Finland — Remedy Entertainment have assured fans of the Max Payne franchise that their upcoming remake will finally address longstanding technical problems that caused the original game to slow dramatically in high-octane gunfights.
“I’m glad we can make it up to the fans after all this time,” said Ruuben Koivula, a developer at Remedy. “When we were working on the PS2 and Xbox original hardware, we kept running into this pesky issue where once bullets started flying, the frame rate just chugged to a crawl—particularly if you were diving through the air or blowing someone halfway across the room with a shotgun. I swear we tried everything to fix it, and I know the whole team was very frustrated when we had to ship a game with action sequences far more stylish and satisfying than we’d intended. Thankfully the technology has finally caught up to our ambitions, and now we can deliver a Max Payne game where you turn a corner and are immediately riddled with bullets from seven unseen henchmen, just like we always dreamed.”
Remedy creative director Sam Lake also spoke of his eagerness to fix the flaws of the original.
“Max Payne is a very grounded and mature story,” said Lake, “and the combat was always supposed to reflect that. It wasn’t supposed to be ‘cool’ or ‘fun’, and that annoying bug where you could jump through a window in slow-motion while taking out five bad guys with headshots really muddled that message. I mean, his wife and child were murdered, is that ‘cool’? That’s why in this remake we’re also replacing all of those comic panels we used for story sequences, because this is a serious game for adults. Not little babies who read comic books and want to play as some kind of superhero, impervious to bullets and the passage of time.”
Fans of the Max Payne series have already expressed their enthusiasm for the updates.
“Thank goodness,” began one comment on the Max Payne subreddit, “I’ve always loved these games, but those moments where I was clearing out an entire warehouse full of enemies like a John Wick movie directed by John Woo were a huge black mark on the franchise. Excited to play a less dated, less interesting version of the classic I adored. I hope they make more changes. With the high quality visuals you can get on modern consoles, it’d be a shame if Remedy didn’t give us a brighter, more colorful Max Payne to make the most of that.”
At press time, staff at Remedy had reportedly hired a 20-year-old fashion influencer to be Max Payne’s new facial model.
