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Hard Digest February 13: Early Access Valentine's Day and More
🕑 Added 2025-02-14 01:00:04 +0000 UTCCrust Punk Plans Romantic Valentine’s Day for Partner with Trail of Loose Cigarettes Leading to Dirty Mattress
By Ben Friedman
NEW YORK — Local crustie Joel McCaffrey was seen excitedly planning a romantic Valentine’s Day evening for his partner by leaving a trail of loose cigarettes from their front door leading to their dirty floor mattress, neighbors have confirmed.
“Normally we don’t acknowledge Valentine’s Day because it’s a scam holiday perpetrated by corporations and restaurants with dress codes, but Kelly and I have been together for ten years now and I wanted to do something special. So I saved all the loose cigarettes we’ve bummed from people at shows over the last year and used them to make a path through our apartment to the mattress we took from the house we used to squat in,” said McCaffrey. “I handpicked a robust bouquet of Marlboros, Pall Malls, and American Spirits complete with lipstick stains from the ones she’s already used. I can’t wait to see her face when she walks in, provided I’m not passed out in bed when she gets back.”
McCaffrey’s girlfriend had suspected he was up to something, but was surprised nonetheless.
“Joel isn’t exactly the lovey-dovey type so I didn’t think anything of it when he wasn’t smoking any of the cigarettes he was bumming from people at the bar last week. But this is hands down the sweetest thing he’s ever done for me. He even spelled out my name in all the lighters we borrowed and never returned,” said Kelly Greene. “This is the second most romantic gesture he’s done for me with cigs since he burned my name into his ass with lit ones for our five-year anniversary. Lightly rubbing the mattress with a scented dryer sheet really got me in the mood too. How did I get so lucky?”
Relationship experts agreed that McCaffrey’s plans showed he truly knew his partner.
“The love languages aren’t black and white as people have been led to believe. Sure, acts of service and words of affirmation are nice but there are lots of happy couples out there who bond over utter degeneracy and crowd killing at shows,” said marriage counselor Wendy Nicholls. “Cigarettes strewn across the floor of a dirty apartment is no less valid than a romantic candlelight dinner. It’s all about that personal touch.”
McCaffrey later capped off the romantic evening by gifting Greene an ornate Edible Arrangement he stole from their neighbor’s doorstep right after it was delivered.
How To Get Him in the Mood By Reminding Him Saint Valentine Was Beaten with Clubs and Decapitated
By Rachel Hein
They say the key to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but what about his mind? That big, powerful mind far too busy thinking the big thoughts to care about frivolous things like Valentine’s Day or basic hygiene? It seems counterintuitive, but that same part of his brain that made him think seeing Gladiator 2 would be a great way to spend your birthday can actually used to get him into Valentine’s Day!
Smell his roses, eat his chocolates, then spice it up by reminding him of the martyrdom and horrific death of Saint Valentine: patron saint of lovers, beekeepers/beekeepresses, epileptics, and now your heart. Just follow these 10 easy steps!
STEP 1: Slip into something lacy, gloss your lips, and light a bunch of candles. Perhaps place them in the shape of a cross, up to you.
STEP 2: Stroke his bicep and ask him how often he thinks about the Roman Empire.
STEP 3: Respond, “haha, I love that” and play with his hand in yours.
STEP 4: Ask him if he would still love you if he was on active duty serving in the Roman army.
STEP 5: When he says yes, ask him if he thinks married men make for worse soldiers during unrestricted wartime.
STEP 6: When he says “Uh, I don’t know” remind him Pagan Emperor Claudius Gothicus thought so, and when Saint Valentine defied his ban on the sacrament of marriage by secretly marrying Christian couples, he was beaten with clubs and beheaded outside the Flaminian Gate in Rome.
STEP 7: Giggle softly, toss your hair exposing your stunning collarbone, and say “Isn’t that crazy?”
STEP 8: Rest your head on his lap and gaze up at him. Ask if he would surrender to martyrdom like Saint Valentine by refusing to renounce his undying love for you and taking you as his wife, even if it meant immediate public execution of flogging followed by an axe to the base of the skull, leaving him but a bloody pulp in the town square.
STEP 9: Aggressively flutter lashes and wait for his response.
STEP 10: If he says anything other than “Of course, baby”: SCREAM, knock over the candles setting fire to his home, and storm out.
5 Sex Toys That Will Make Her Say, “Just Let Me Do It”
By Rachel Hein
Female pleasure can be confusing and scary. That’s why these highly sophisticated toys exist. They are actually designed for anyone who wants to be involved in a woman’s pleasure, like in the room, but in no way responsible for it.
Motorized Tongue
Playboy Pleasure True Indulgence
This motorized tongue has 9 stroking speeds and rhythm patterns that humiliate the human tongue by targeting the exact pattern and speed she needs to get there and then maintaining it for longer than the human man, for instance, might think.
Suction
Lelo Sona 2 Cruise
With 12 settings, sonic pulsing that reaches “the internal structure of the clitoris,” patented “Cruise Control” technology, and weeks of battery life, this puppy just needs a conductor who knows exactly which button to push and exactly when to push it. And that conductor is her, not you. You just sit and watch, k babe?
Remote Control
We-Vibe Sync 2
Featuring 10 intensities and an adjustable size to fit her body like a glove, this one allows a partner to hold a remote and press random buttons like the remote control cars of their youth, perhaps even exclaiming, “Vroom vroom!” Do not be alarmed if she nods and smiles as if to say “Wow, look at you, good job!” before gently taking the remote from you to finish the job.
Pinpoint
Lelo Dot Clitoral Pinpoint Vibrator
A pinpoint tip made of bendable silicone that warms when it touches her skin paired with patented “Infinite Loop” technology encourages rolling or stacked orgasms. The only thing standing in the way of you and those multiple rolling orgasms she so craves is finding the right spot using the tip the size of a toothpick. Good luck, babe!
The OG Magic Wand
Official Hitachi Magic Wand Original
The original 70s classic. The one her grandmother had in her nightstand next to her dentures. The one that you can hear from across the street. With a cord that plugs into the wall and only two settings, this thing’s so diesel it could make someone cream their jeans — which should make it a layup for you to use on her, right? Wrong. She associates this with her childhood bed and the first time she learned what she liked, so you don’t have a prayer, my friend. This hunk of plastic and silicone is too deeply woven into the fabric of her sexual psyche. A place you’ll never touch. This is a dragon only she commands.
Marvel Increases Movie Ticket Prices to Cover Rising Cost of Hidden Easter Eggs
BY RJ Dralle
BURBANK, Calif — To combat inflation in America, Marvel Studios announced earlier this morning that they will be raising their movie ticket prices in order to cover the rising cost of hidden easter eggs.
“It’s already hard enough to afford anything after giving Robert Downey Jr. another billion dollars. Now with egg prices going up, we had to do something,” stated Marvel Studios CEO Kevin Feige.
Feige told reporters that this was not the first idea they had to help alleviate the price hike for themselves.
“We first thought about not having any more easter eggs in our films. But people love seeing an infinity stone hidden somewhere or a nod to X-Men who we’ll never actually give a real movie to,” said Feige. “We then had another idea that we would cover the hidden easter eggs with a paywall where audience members could scan a QR code to see what was hiding in the scene. But that got complicated when we realized that most of our movies are just one big easter egg for another movie.”
While the price hike may deter fans from going to the theaters, Marvel Studios assured fans that the extra price is worth it.
“We don’t want to spoil anything for the new Captain America: Brave New World movie, but the hidden easter egg rhymes with Schmephisto,” teased director Julius Onah.
Disney CEO Bob Iger also spoke to reporters about the recent egg price hike before boarding his private jet leaving for his French château.
“Look! We are all hurting with these price hikes. But you have my word that Disney will never hike the price of easter eggs within our streaming services.”
At press time, Disney Plus announced a membership price increase for those who want to see easter eggs in any Disney movie including Marvel, Star Wars and Pixar.
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