thehardtimes
patreon
Hard Digest February 14: Early Access Red Hot Chili Peppers, Drake, Trump, and More
🕑 Added 2025-02-15 01:00:07 +0000 UTCPunk Awakes in Cold Sweat With Realization That LA Wildfires Might Inspire Red Hot Chili Peppers to Write New Music
By LOS ANGELES — Local punk Corey Lambert awoke in the middle of the night in a cold sweat after realizing that the devastating Los Angeles wildfires could inspire Red Hot Chili Peppers to make new music, sources who ringa-dinga-donged the donga-dong-bing-bong confirmed.
“Oh God, could it be true? Could the fires that devastated so much of LA prompt them to come back and do some sort of tribute song about California again? Haven’t we already been through enough? May God have mercy on us all,” said Lambert as he sat shivering on his bed in the dark. “They could be out there somewhere right now digging up even more recycled Parliament bass lines and laying down embarrassing rap bars about drought and Santa Ana winds or whatever. I may never sleep again.”
Red Hot Chili Peppers singer Anthony Kiedis says that while the band has not officially decided to make new music he has been in the process of writing lyrics for a song about the wildfires.
“The fires were pretty crazy, man, but it has sparked some new creativity in me. I can already hear the songs forming in my head. I could see us really branching out from our typical tracks about California to all new styles of songs about the Golden State we’ve never done before,” said Kiedis. “So far I was thinking of like some soft ballad called ‘California-burna-fication.’ Or maybe a funky new jam to honor the brave firefighters called ‘Funky Flame-a Flicka Flicka Fire Fighter.’ I think they would really appreciate our gift of music to them.”
Los Angeles City councilman Janice Carlisle says in addition to fears of new music from the band she has concerns that it could possibly lead to a benefit concert.
“What we on the city council are troubled by is the possibility of the Red Hot Chili Peppers staging a benefit concert or worse yet a full blown festival,” said Carlisle. “The residents of this city have suffered enough and I can’t in good conscience allow the Chili Peppers along with other past-their-prime LA acts like Jane’s Addiction, or Guns N’Roses, or God help us Weezer play an overwrought, unnecessary ‘benefit’ festival. We might as well just let the whole city burn at that point.”
At press time, Lambert was reportedly awakened again with the realization that the current political climate could inspire System of a Down to write new music.
“I Like This Song!” and Other Signs That a Drake Track was Ghostwritten
By Chad Kubrak
It’s 2025 and after over a decade of unchallenged mainstream hegemony, your hatred of Drake has been vindicated. Look, we all get it. After the beef, not even my favorite verses hit anymore. I’ve already reclassified “Take Care” as a Weeknd album, insisted to myself that Future carried “What a Time to Be Alive” enough that I’ve started to believe it, and the rules are that a sue-happy, upper-middle-class Canadian isn’t allowed to make “If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late.” Sorry, but those are the rules. But I mean, is there really such a thing as a “Drake” song?
We all still fall victim to the Drizzy effect from time to time. You might hear “Headlines” or “Middle of the Ocean” and go, “damn, I really like this song!” Before the guilt overwhelms your helplessly infatuated eardrums, sit back and remind yourself, “There’s no chance he actually wrote this one!” With that said, here’s some tips on sifting out those pesky ghostwritten cuts in Drake’s discography.
I Like This Song! (Only Reliable Post-2018)
While we all yearn for the glory days of pre-lipo Drizzy, it’s best to accept that our favorite Canadian just isn’t capable of churning out another “Tuscan Leather.” Chances are, if you’re listening to anything from “Scorpion” or later and like it, the boy’s pen didn’t touch it. Good melodies? Clever punchlines? A cohesive track that sounds like it could be played out of anything besides a cologne-drenched BMW? You, dear reader, are listening to a ghostwritten song.
The Rhyme Schemes Incorporate More Than “-otion”
“Locomotives my preferred means of locomotion / Crodie and I don’t do demotions, only promotions / Baddies on my boat in Turks, eating cake in the ocean.” Is this a line we made up, or from a prestige producer-assisted track posted on Instagram for three minutes and then promptly deleted at the first sign of criticism? If you have to ask yourself this question, chances are, you’re listening to an authentic Drake original.
Name-Dropped Women Are of Age
Are you hearing lines about Nia Long? LaLa Anthony? Maybe a Jenner sister? Time to raise the red flags, because Drizzy almost certainly isn’t interested. References to voluptuous Moroccan models? Consider the song ghostwritten. The only time the Boy wants anything to do with an Instagram model is when it comes to breaking up his professional and personal friendships. Self-incriminating owns are core to Drake’s ethos, so if we’re not hearing our man rapping about “a milli” and don’t know if he’s talking funds or romance, tread carefully!
African-American History and Black Women Are Spoken About Respectfully
If The Boy isn’t evoking slavery to talk about sex or to disparage the Black radical tradition, chances are, you’re listening to a ghostwritten cut. If any comments about race read as distinguishable from the following phrases –– “Blacks are the real racists!” or “It was 400 years ago, buster!” –– with simultaneous use of the N-word, it’s not a Drake track! Similarly, look out for bars that are respectful of Black women. If these references don’t reek of past rejection, insecurity, reflect the views of Drizzy’s favorite redpill forums, or result in getting smoked by Megan Thee Stallion, you’re listening to a ghostwritten cut.
Only One Accent is Used
Self-explanatory.
Trump Claims Illegal Immigrants Taking Up Majority of Guest List Spots at Sold-Out Shows
By WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attempted to justify his policy of mass deportations by claiming illegal immigrants are taking up the majority of all guest list spots at sold-out shows and concerts working Americans so desperately want to attend, sources confirmed.
“Joe Biden opened our borders and let some of the most sadistic criminals from all over the world into this country. Those people came here to do a bunch of illegal stuff, stuff so illegal I don’t even want to talk about it because it will give you nightmares, but they also came to take up coveted guest list spots that average Americans depend on to see their favorite musical acts,” said Trump. “Just the other day, I had a Marine come up to me, a real tough guy, he was so distraught and looked like he’d been crying. He said to me ‘Mr. Trump, I love you, you are the reason I decided to be born and serve this country. But I tried to see my favorite rock band the other night, but the guest list was all members of MS-13.’ I’m going to make sure this never happens again.”
Immigration advocates claim this is just more fear-mongering from the Trump administration.
“Trump has been claiming that migrants are taking up guest list spots since he announced his first campaign in 2015. We crunched the numbers and found that since 2016 less than .000000000001% of guest list attendees have been undocumented. The majority of migrants are honest, law-abiding people who are here to do jobs most Americans refuse to do, they aren’t here to mosh at an American Nightmare anniversary show,” said Anna Gomez, an immigration lawyer in Philadelphia. “Historically, guest list spots are reserved for the band’s girlfriends or boyfriends, old roommates, and a few acquaintances who are brave enough to text a band member they haven’t talked to in years in hopes of getting into a show for free.”
Dusty Wiltz, the lead vocalist and guitarist of a pro-Trump rock group MAGAnified, hopes the president’s policies will help the low attendance at his band’s shows.
“We have been playing every county fair and dive bar we can and so far we’ve only sold about 15 t-shirts. I firmly believe it’s because the Biden administration screwed the economy so bad that people are afraid to listen to live music,” said Wiltz. “It’s clear that people are scared to go outside because they will be sex trafficked by a Mexican drug cartel that Kamala Harris funded with her campaign money. Once all these criminals are out of the country MAGAnified fans will be out in full force and we will be selling out arenas across the South.”
President Trump is also expected to sign an executive order stating that all sound guys must be assigned male at birth.
Stardew Valley Residents Face Rise in Situationships
BY Jake Mooney
PELICAN TOWN — A phenomenon seeing a rise in short-term, noncommittal relationships has hit Stardew Valley, and residents are left with mixed opinions and broken hearts, forlorn sources confirmed.
“Personally, I think they’re great,” JojaMart employee Shane expressed. “I think it’s unsustainable to limit yourself to just one person. Sometimes you want to hit the community center with one guy, then go to the movies with another. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that; it’s liberating in a sense. I like getting to experience new things with new people; it’s so interesting to see how everyone reacts to being given a rock!”
Other residents have expressed frustration and heartbreak at the situationships, deriding them as unsustainable and harmful to one’s self-worth.
“Shane said that?” Alex, bartender at the Stardrop Saloon, lamented in disbelief. “Well I’m happy he was able to move on that easily! Some of us are still picking up the pieces of our shattered heart, left only with the lingering memory of what once was. Desire is messy and chaotic, but loyalty should triumph over everything. We can’t just jump from one person to the next and expect that to fill some emotional void. Did the rocks he gave me mean NOTHING?”
This recent surge in ephemeral flings has already had effects on the residents of Pelican Town, with many seeking therapy to work through their feelings of having their relationships end before they have even been defined.
“People started getting into these short-term couplings and all of a sudden I’m busier than ever,” Penny—Pelican Town’s resident therapist—explained while trying to hide her glee. “So many of my clients have suffered from the sudden fallout of these so-called ‘situationships.’ These couples only talk to each other once a day, and show affection by giving each other two gifts a week… and they do this to everyone! I have yet to see a single client whose partner has reached out more than once. It’s sad to see, but I have to admit, my practice has never been better!”
At press time, Penny has been forced to fire a couples’ therapist from her practice as a result of nobody in town defining their relationship.
More From Hard Drive:
Happy Valentine’s Day! Here’s 10 Games That Are “Just Commercialist Nonsense, Honey”
