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Hard Digest February 18: Early Access Jello Biafra, Mandela Effect, Jukeboxes, and More
🕑 Added 2025-02-19 01:00:05 +0000 UTCPunk Really Needs You to Understand He Hates Hippies in a Jello Biafra Sort of Way, Not a Ronald Reagan Sort of Way
By BERKELEY, Calif. â Local punk Charles âChuckâ McCoy is adamant that everyone knows his hatred for hippies stems from a left-wing ideology, rather than a conservative one, confirmed sources who already get it and wish he would talk about something else.
âThe hippies are the biggest sellouts who ever lived. They preached peace, love, and sticking it to the man. Then, they became the man!â said McCoy. âItâs important that my friends, family, and random cashiers at Walgreenâs know that I despise these types of Boomers in the âCalifornia Ăber Allesâ sense, not a âtrickle down economicsâ way. One time, my piece-of-shit uncle who voted for Reagan back in the day agreed with me. I was mortified! So ever since, Iâve had to preface any disparaging remarks about hippies with an equal amount of hate on Reagan. I hate Republicans more than anything, especially Bonzo.â
Most of McCoyâs associates seem to understand and even agree with his point of view, though feel his constant need to reiterate it speaks to some larger insecurity.
âLook, I get it,â said friend Heather Brant. âWhenever I would tell someone I didnât like the latest Marvel movie, I always felt the need to clarify I wasnât one of those anti-woke YouTubers with week-old Doritos stuck in their teeth who flip their shit any time they see the slightest bit of melanin. But then, I realized most people are actually pretty reasonable and arenât automatically going to assume the worst of me. I think Chuck is caught between his need to make sure everyone always knows what heâs thinking, and his crippling fear that nuance is dead. If you ask me, he just needs to get off Twitter a bit. Heâs right on the money about Reagan, though. Fuck that guy.â
Scene historian Tommy âBonesâ Hernandez believes itâs difficult to agree with Republicans.
âObviously, all hippies were capitalists in disguise, but itâs hard to hate on them publicly without coming across as a conservative,â Hernandez declared. âHating things that right-wingers famously detest is typically tough to maneuver. For instance, a left-leaning person always has to say he hates Bud Light in a craft IPA drinker sort of way and not in the Kid Rock sense, even though neither option is ideal. Democrats also need to reiterate that they donât approve of the NFL because of CTE, not due to Colin Kaepernick. Somehow, Republicans ruined the concept of hate for everyone.â
At press time, McCoy was seen writing his thesis on the connections between the hippie movement and the rise of yuppie culture, despite not currently being enrolled at any academic institution.
Mandela Effect? Your Friends Donât Remember You Exist
By Amir Adan
The Mandela Effect is the age-old behavioral phenomenon where large swaths of people misremember specific details about a person, event, or cereal brand. For instance, most people appear to be under the impression that Nelson Mandela died in prison in the â80s, when in reality heâs still alive today and living in Wisconsin, I think.
The same applies to you. Your friends sort of remembered a guy kind of like you with blond hair, if you even had hair, but itâs clearly a mixture of a brownish, blackish hue. Not to mention your name is Craig or Greg, not Jason. Or maybe itâs Paul. Definitely not Kevin. At least weâre pretty sure.
Either way, minor details like this sort of fall to the wayside, and our brains naturally create a different reality to fill in the otherwise non-descript gaps. Oh wait, Mike! Itâs Mike, right?
Anyway, just about everyone on planet Earth will tell you that itâs spelled âFruit Loopsâ when the truth of the matter is that itâs stylized as âFroot Loops.â Yes, Kelloggâs has been mind-fucking you this whole time. The same psychological perversion is the exact reason people donât remember that you actually went to high school and college with them.
You were even best friends with them senior year. Now? Youâre not even a memory worth storing in their hippocampus, pre-frontal cortex, and amygdala. This is not your fault. The Mandela Effect should take all the blame.
Sure, you couldâve stayed in touch or called them to see how they were doing every so often. But unfortunately, the Mandela Effect will take hold of them and erase you as a concept, no matter how hard you try to cultivate their friendship. This is why no one has friends past the age of 37. They just forget you ever existed.
Memories are a tricky thing. For instance, no one remembers that you once came out of the restroom in second grade with wet pants in your crotch area and for the next 10 years everyone called you Pee Stain, even though it was just water from the sink. Actually, maybe the Mandela Effect is a good thing.
Local Man Quietly Stages Coup of Bar Jukebox Using Only His Phone
By Matt Oriente
BLUE ISLAND, Ill. â 41-year-old Jacob Francois claimed responsibility for taking over a local barâs jukebox using only his phone, an act he says was necessary to ârestore order,â confirmed sources.
âIâve been going to this bar since my early 30s, but over the years, Iâve watched it fall into the hands of outsiders who have no respect for the corner pub,â Francois declared from his usual seat at the end of the bar. âI could not sit idly by while my barâmy communityâwas desecrated by interlopers who donât understand the sanctity of getting hammered alone here. These so-called patrons come in and pollute the sacred airwaves with shitty music. There is only so much Morgan Wallen a man can tolerate. So I took actionâfunneling $200 into the jukebox remotely from my phone. It was only a matter of time before someone had to overthrow these music choices.â
Samantha Cochran, a patron who was present that night, recalled the harrowing events.
âI remember my friend Braylan had just put on a few Dierks Bentley songs and ordered a round of club sodas with lime,â Cochran explained. âWhen his songs ended, Braylan went back to queue up more, but thatâs when we realizedâsomeone had locked in 75 songs. There was no way weâd get to hear anything else before last call. We didnât find out until later that someone was able to do this remotely from their iPhone, which is honestly terrifying. Thatâs all it takes now? Just a few taps, and suddenly, you own the means of production. What we need most now is a Luigi Mangione to take out whoever did this to us. This is a national security risk.â
Jordan Flanagan, former doorman and current head of private security firm Black Out Security, explained how incidents like this happen and what you can do to protect yourself.
âOver the last five to ten years, weâve seen a rise in bar regulars becoming radicalized over what they perceive as an influx of terrible music being forced upon them. And when that happens, they tend to resort to extreme measures,â Flanagan said. âThe best thing you can do to avoid being a victim is to scan your surroundings when you walk in. Know where the jukebox is, take inventory of the regulars, and pay attention to what vibe of music is playing. If something doesnât feel right, leave. This is how you stay safe.â
At press time, Francois was seen at the bar just before closing, quietly singing along to Morrisseyâs âFirst of the Gang to Die.â
Bobby Kotick Claims Activision Blizzard Lawsuits Were Just Scheme to Receive Compensation for Harassment
BY Kyle Duggan
MENLO PARK, Calif. â Former Activision Blizzard CEO claimed that a lawsuit filed against the company by the state of California was a conspiracy organized by disgruntled employees to attain restitution for acts of discrimination and harassment.
âYou look at these fake lawsuits against companies like us and Riot, and itâs wild,â said Kotick during an interview on Grift, a podcast produced by venture capital firm Kleiner Gurkens. âThese wagies conspired against us in an unjust effort to stop us from not only extracting their labor, but demeaning them while doing so. It is the natural right of the tech executive and his court to treat his workforce as subhuman and grind them into dust. What compensation could we possibly owe them?â
Former EA executive Bing Gordon also appeared on the podcast and broadly agreed with Kotick.
âWhat these gray little peons donât understand is that we who have been chosen to rule live under an immense burden,â said Gordon. âSure, we may appear comfortable as we sit our cushioned throne surrounded by unimaginable riches, but the slime-covered slugs we call employees canât see that there is a sword hung above our head suspended by a thread of barest gossamer: a sword inscribed with the words, âPossibly Not Making Even More Money.â Under such conditions, you must forgive us the occasional aggressive sexual proposition or death threat. Itâs not like your bodies or lives actually mean something the way ours do.â
Industry insiders noted that these reactions were common among wealthy tech investors and executives.
âYou have to understand, theyâve been saying these things privately for years,â said Bryce Tang, who has written four separate biographies of Elon Musk. âThey just thought they couldnât say it all publicly or they wouldnât be invited to cool parties. The advent of the second Trump administration made them all realize they could do or say whatever the hell they want, now. And itâs not just gaming execs. Itâs Bezos, Zuckerberg, hell, even that weenie Steve Huffman from Reddit. Theyâre very small, pathetic men, and all they do all day is sit around and imagine that theyâre actually impressive people and that any criticism of them is unfair. Iâm sure Kotick has convinced himself that this lawsuit actually is bullshit.â
At press time, Kotick claimed that his name only appeared in Epsteinâs black book due to a, âlegitimate invocation of prima nocta.â
Boyfriendâs Fear of Commitment Doesnât Apply to Watching Anime
BY Sean Fallon
SEATTLE, Wash. â Alan Murk, a local boyfriend who has professed a fear of long-term commitment, reportedly watched the first episode of One Piece and intends to watch the whole thing.
âWeâve been together for years,â said Murkâs girlfriend, Pam Dylan, who has yet to formally meet his parents. âHeâs told me we canât move in together because itâs too fast and too big a move and heâs scared of being tied down. Yesterday I went to his place and I could hear the One Piece theme tune through the door. I would have preferred hearing another womanâs voice.â
Anthony Ryland, a relationship expert, said this was a common behavior in young people who are commitment averse.
âWeâre seeing more and more of this each year,â said Ryland, who is waiting for A Song of Ice and Fire to be finished by George R.R. Martin before he can propose to his boyfriend. âA man will pick up the first volume of Golgo 13, an ongoing Manga with 215 volumes, before they will introduce their girlfriend as anything other than their friend.â
Murk defended his choice as being the smartest move in the long run.
âDonât get me wrong, I love Pam,â said Murk after finishing the Arabasta Saga. âBut is she as dependable as Luffy? As Usopp? I mean, she hasnât got a patch on Zoro. Once I hit episode 1000, Iâll be ready to talk about thinking about the conversation we could have about considering moving in together. Or maybe Iâll wait for Eiichiro Oda to finish the whole thing. Oh, Iâve just got a text from Pam. Yeah, she broke up with me.â
At the time of reporting, Murk decided that this is the perfect time to start watching every episode of classic Doctor Who rather than talking to his girlfriend about whether she should have a toothbrush that she leaves at his apartment.
