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Hard Digest February 21: Elon, Early Access Kanye, David Lynch, DOGE, and More
🕑 Added 2025-02-22 01:00:05 +0000 UTCFrom “The Chainsaw of Bureaucracy” to “The Hedge Trimmer of My Kids Speaking to Me,” We Ranked Every Tool in Elon’s Shed
By Dan Rice
Yesterday, Tesla CEO and current Trump BFF Elon Musk wowed the Nazi-sympathizing crowd at CPAC by unveiling The Chainsaw of Bureaucracy, a legendary weapon that allows him to turn millions in budget slashing into billions with a single unfounded lie. While the mere existence of such a magical tool came as a shock to many, those in Musk’s inner circle know it is but one of many enchanted artifacts he’s collected over the years that helped make him the successful human-ish thing he is today.
Today we take a deep dive into Musk’s inventory screen. Here is our definitive ranking of every legendary weapon in Elon’s mythical tool shed.
The Chainsaw of Bureaucracy
That’s right, the weapon currently taking the government by storm (think Katrina) is but the weakest taste of Elon’s legendary arsenal. With merely +2 durability and -20,000 sanity, it’s a true testament to Elon’s swordsmanship that using only this humble weapon he has already saved us from the ravages diversity hires, planes that land, and employees who know how our nuclear weapons work.
The Miter Saw of Self-Awareness
Sitting on Musk’s workbench among a plethora of Diet Coke empties and pornographic Spongebob comic books is The Miter Saw of Self-Awareness, and while not the most stacked weapon it’s a crucial addition to his armory. Being an unelected foreigner with -400 billion charisma currently dismantling the government (his words) loathing Musk is one of the few attributes shared by both sides of the American political spectrum. If he had even the slightest fleeting glimmer of how most people actually perceive him he would probably kill himself, but this clutch tool gives him total immunity from facing such realities.
The Paint Scraper of Non-Transactional Fuckability
Having someone earnestly desire you sexually is a useless distraction to men on Musk’s grindset. Be it directly or through the advancement of status, this handy tool ensures Musk will never see a pair of legs spread without money being involved.
The Hedge Trimmer of My Kids Speaking to Me
The love of a child is a weakness Musk can’t afford. Once they aren’t cute enough to use as human shields anymore he uses this bad boy to cut ties forever.
The Drain Snake of Landing a Joke
Elon is naturally funny, just ask him. This incredibly useful tool boasts -infinite charisma and guaranteed critical failure for every punch line, assuring his penchant for making jokes will never lead to distractions like praise or comradery. Let that sink in.
The Hatchet of Gastrointestinal Health
You may have noticed Musk has been looking more swole over the years, not as in like a guy who works out, more as in like a defective pool noodle someone punched too many times. That’s no accident. Chronic constipation gives Musk the focus, harshness, and cruelty of character required to take food out of the mouths of impoverished children while hoarding the largest fortune in recorded history. Between this enchanted paint scraper and his distaste for vegetables, Elon is able to retain his stool for weeks, sometimes even months at a time.
The Mallet of Uncringeyness
Wielding this legendary weapon imbues Musk with +500 repulsions and a 5000% increased chance of critical failure in seeming human. With this baby at his side, he can’t so much as say hello to a person without them feeling like they need a shower immediately.
The Weed Whacker of Meaningful Human Contact
Love or even significant familiarity with another person can be total productivity killers. The mystical properties of this fabled artifact have rendered Musk so insurmountably alone that he’s had to pay for high-fives since 1997.
The Lawnmower of Positive Public Perception
Remember when Musk was largely viewed as a pro-environment genius who just might save the world? Honestly, you probably don’t anymore, and that’s all thanks to this ridiculously overpowered lawnmower. According to legend, Musk was riding it the day he decided to launch his car into space.
Kanye Apologizes for Past Remarks About George W. Bush
By Jon Wood
LOS ANGELES — Notorious rapper Kanye West apologized for his past controversial remarks about former President George W. Bush, confirmed sources.
“I said some things I now regret and I’m here to set the record straight,” West stated, referencing his infamous 2005 outburst criticizing the former President’s response to Hurricane Katrina. “When I said that ‘George Bush doesn’t care about black people’ I was referring broadly to the countless Americans disenfranchised by a rigged system — the same broke-ass haters that make every day a living hell for me on social media. Anyway, I just want to apologize for any pain my words may have caused by setting the White Lives Matter movement back decades.”
Actor and comedian Mike Myers, who presented alongside West at “A Concert for Hurricane Relief” in 2005, shared his recollection of the spectacle.
“If it wasn’t clear from my face, I was totally unprepared for the drama of that day,” recalled Myers. “I mean, I wasn’t surprised that Kanye went off-script and called the President of the United States a racist, or what everyone saw on television. What caught me off guard was all the crazy stuff he said when the cameras weren’t rolling. He asked me if I thought Hurricane Katrina could’ve been a false flag operation carried out by the Energizer corporation to sell more C and D batteries. And then he got really upset when I told him I didn’t know if Shrek’s penis looked like any of the dozen drawings he brought with him. I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs.”
Mike Burkett, founder of punk rock band NOFX and the 2004 “Rock Against Bush” campaign, responded to West’s latest remarks.
“How does a war criminal like George Bush get his own art exhibit at Disney World, meanwhile a band that’s 80% dick and fart jokes gets canceled for some supposedly tone-deaf stage banter?” said Burkett, known professionally as Fat Mike. “If you had convinced me 20 years ago that Kanye would eventually blame black people for slavery and that Bush would become a nostalgic symbol of civility embraced by the left, I would’ve taken things in a different direction — though ‘Rock Against Any Hope for Humanity’ doesn’t have the same ring to it. Jesus Christ, next thing you know the cheapest place to buy a carton of eggs in this country will be at the Warped Tour.”
At press time, West is reportedly organizing a benefit concert to help victims of the LA wildfires rebuild their million-dollar sneaker collections.
The New David Lynch? I Added Ominous Synth to My Colonoscopy Footage
By Alex Vlahov
The doctor said this was a first: no one had requested their own colonoscopy footage before. I said this was a request from the deepest corners of my artistic soul, like a love letter straight from my heart. Seemingly tired of talking to me, he emailed a video of the procedure over.
Over buckets of coffee, smoking like a chimney, I watch the footage caught by the colonoscope burrowing inside me, exploring my canals. I slowly fade in music, which happens to sound a lot like Angelo Badalamenti. I begin to weep.
My ulcers: once so banal. Now striking. Beautiful. It speaks to the haunted rot beneath America. Behold, a polyp hiding in the pink corners of my smooth, shining tissue. That polyp is named Fred. And Fred is the pure representation of all that is evil. No further explanation. My film is titled ‘Inland Empire’ for the inland means within my colon and the empire is me.
I sit my family down to show them my latest video masterpiece, serving cherry pie. They immediately recoil and leave the room. Typical: normies never understand great art. Are Hallmark films prodding their subconscious? I think not.
For feedback, my sister mentions liking the score, at which I begin crying and gritting my teeth. She certainly recognizes her own trauma in my work. Mother calls the film deeply disturbing, which I only hear as Lynchian: a compliment from the womb master. Father says it felt like a nightmare. I say to him, “Yes, daddy. Exactly!”
I begin showing my film publicly, projected on diners and vape store walls, blasting that stirring synth score. Apparently colonoscopy footage counts as indecent exposure. I tell the police captain, “You wouldn’t get it. You’ve never been to Cannes. You’ve never held a fire in your heart. Silencio.” I am punched in the eye. It feels like a kiss.
Once released, I practice transcendental meditation. New revelations from my film bubble up to the surface. My internal hemorrhoid is now named Judy. And she is in trouble. I decide to add grainy low-grade VFX and doo-wop ‘50s needle drops.
Desperate for a follow-up, I inquire about exploring my stomach, or a gastroscopy, to pair the looped footage of my digestive system with industrial metallic droning. ‘Esophagushead’ will be released this summer in black and white, playing only at midnight, with a runtime of five hours.
19-Year-Old DOGE Agent Running Out of Excuses for Why He Can’t Hang Out With Elon This Weekend
By WASHINGTON — 19-year-old Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) agent Braden Wakefield found himself running short on reasons for why he can’t hang out with his boss Elon Musk, sources report.
“I’m really starting to panic here,” Wakefield admitted. “I woke up to dozens of texts this morning from Mr. Musk asking if I wanted to come over and play ‘Path of Exile 2’ on Saturday night, and I can’t think of a single excuse that I haven’t already used. I’ve made up the deaths of all four of my grandparents, as well as a house fire and emergency surgery for my parents’ cat. I told him last weekend that I had car troubles and he bought me a brand new Cybertruck to use. Thankfully, it completely died for no reason after I had driven it for less than a quarter mile. If I don’t think of something fast, I’m actually going to have to go to his house.”
Musk didn’t quite take the hint.
“Yeah, I’ve been trying to get the bros together to hang out since inauguration,” Musk said as he repeatedly checked his phone for texts. “I can tell how pumped they are to hang out with me by the way they kind of smile and nod when I make hilarious jokes around them. The other day, I did an amazing impression of Ron Burgundy from ‘Anchorman’ during a meeting, and you should’ve seen their faces. I just know they’d be my best friends even if I wasn’t paying them to have unfettered access to sensitive government information, so we’re going to have a really great time once I can get the gang together.”
Social scientist Rashida Garis provided her expertise on Musk’s social ineptitude.
“I see this all the time with repugnant men who find themselves in positions of power,” Garis offered. “It’s obvious to everyone around Musk that he’s a putrid excuse for a human being, but in his eyes he’s the coolest guy on Earth and people are clamoring to spend time with him. He may be the most glaring example, but I’ve conducted case studies with similar situations involving Donald Trump Jr., and just look at Ted Cruz. He actually started a podcast because he thinks people enjoy speaking with him.”
At press time, Wakefield considered telling Musk he had COVID, but immediately dismissed it because neither he nor Elon believe it to be real.
Leon S. Kennedy Shoots Down Chainsaw-Wielding Musk
BY Nick Coffman
WASHINGTON — Tesla CEO, loving father, and President of the United States, Elon Musk, was shot dead last night while wielding a chainsaw on-stage at the annual CPAC conference. The alleged shooter, Leon S. Kennedy, who is a member of Musk’s Secret Service security detail, was detained on-site and is now cooperating with authorities through their investigation.
CPAC attendees were quick to share the horrific details of this deadly night.
“He was just up there waving the chainsaw around like a madman,” said Claire Redfield, a reformed ecoterrorist and close friend of Kennedy’s. “Leon was just doing what he does best, shooting maniacs with chainsaws. It’s muscle memory for him at this point. Clean shot too. Leon took his head right off.”
The chaos only continued into the night after Kennedy’s alleged headshot. Redfield shared the carnage that resulted in 20 additional deaths.
“We thought it was over, then a Plagas parasite exploded out of the hole where the President’s head used to be.” Redfield said, while rubbing a green herb against her bruised arm. “The bastard cut down a bunch of federal workers. The looks of shock on their faces still haunt me. Thankfully, Leon was able to finally take him down before he could do more damage.”
Acting President, Donald Trump, had some choice words for Kennedy. He also had some choice words for his assassinated predecessor.
“Wow, Elon. ASSASSINATED. Sad. I guess I could have taught you a few lessons about dodging bullets. Too late,” Trump wrote from his Truth Social. “And this Leon guy? What’s the S stand for? STOOPID?!!!! What a bozo.”
At press time, Trump announced an investigation into the Secret Service’s hiring practices.
Elon Musk Shocked to Learn He is Not the First Person to Jerk It to Hentai in the White House
BY Eddie Feeley
WASHINGTON — Late last night, Elon Musk issued a statement on X (Formerly Twitter.com) revealing that he discovered he was not the first person to masterbate to hentai in The White House.
“I was sitting in the Oval Office alone, because I can be, and decided to indulge in one of the only good things to come out of Japan,” Musk posted, never one to shy away from his sexual habits. “After I finished beating my meat within an inch of its life, I got curious to see if I was the first person to ever jerk it to hentai in The White House. I just like to think like that. I’m a trendsetter. It wasn’t a school night, so I had my team of DOGE officials look to see if anyone has ever logged into some of my go to hentai sites, such as ****, ****, or my favorite, Deviantart.”
*Hard Drive has censored the names of these sites, as they are not only full of incredibly pornographic images but also loaded with various computer viruses.
Musk’s team found that the first person to access these sites from the White House was back in 2003. An anonymous source has come forward claiming to be the person who did it first.
“Well, I was coming toward the end of my first term and was feeling pretty stressed,” said an anonymous source from his ranch home in Crawford, Texas. “My wife Laura was out of town and I was stuck in the office. I found myself on a unique side of the interwebs. Toons of women of various ages in compromised situations, their mouths wide and wet, flush with frustration. Well, it opened my eyes up to a lot of things. Got me into art among other things. Here, let me show you some pieces I made based on this. It’s an ongoing series where this young woman travels across our great nation and gets into all kinds of sexual situations.”
During a press conference in The White House earlier today, President Donald Trump was asked to comment on Musk’s findings.
“I don’t find that surprising. Lots of sickos on Sleepy Joe’s team,” Trump said. “I don’t really get this hentee stuff. Elon keeps trying to show me some videos. Not my style. I’ve seen a naked woman and an octopus together like that, and let me tell you, the girl doesn’t last that long. It wasn’t bad though. I always get hard watching something die in front of me.”
At press time, Barack Obama came forward claiming to be the first person to have a furry sex party in The Lincoln Bedroom simply stating “Good times”.
American Democracy Ending Explained
BY Kate Danvers
American democracy looks like it’s coming to an end, and many questions still hang in the air about the fate of America and the broader America Centric Universe (ACU). The Republican plan to control the government has been in the works for many years, with gerrymandering, voter suppression, and mass disinformation campaigns paving the way for a second Trump presidency, but how do all of these elements lead up to the ending?
American Democracy in a Nutshell
America has had some form of democracy for hundreds of years, with the New England Colonies having elections as far back as the early 17th century. In most cases, citizens vote on issues or candidates to represent them. Over the years, there have been many plots to subvert democracy through elected officials acting against the will of the people, redistricting to ensure that opposing parties don’t have the numbers for state representation, and democracy’s toughest foe: the electoral college.
The 15th amendment, 19th amendment, and the Voting Rights Act of 1965 looked to combat some of the threats by introducing new voters and securing their right to vote, bringing equality to the process. All three have managed to stick around so far despite the best efforts of certain states and political parties.
Recent moves in the ACU have seen takeovers of local governments, poorly disguised voter suppression, and sowing doubt in the election system itself in a bid for power. That seems to have finally paid off with the ACU’s main villain seizing control of America. At this point, the plan goes into effect.
What is The Purge?
Popularized by the 2013 film, The Purge allows you to steal things and get rid of people you don’t like by making it legal for one day out of the year. Unlike the fictional version, the real life version still adheres to most of the laws of the land. Average citizens can’t steal, murder, or commit other crimes, but corporations, politicians, and wealthy people can. Though they did keep that one rule from the film that says you can’t harm government officials.
The real life Purge is a little more nuanced. Firing many government workers, taking control of key sectors, revoking security clearances, revoking citizenship, and writing “nuh-uh” in the margins of science textbooks. In moments, President Trump can eliminate the progressive half of the government with the stroke of a pen. It’s like the Infinity Gauntlet but with paperwork instead of magic gems.
How does American Democracy End?
With the deadly alliance of Elon Musk and Donald Trump in control of the White House and most of the public sector, things are looking pretty grim for the heroes. The duo make ready to enact their ultimate plan of turning America into an oligarchy, plutocracy, or kleptocracy (the plot isn’t really clear) and set their sights on the broader world.
At the last possible moment, the doors of the Capitol open and one by one, the Democrats make their way onto the battlefield. Hakeem Jeffries and Chuck Schumer lead the charge, followed by Cory Booker, Elizabeth Warren, and in a shocking crossover from the independent party, Bernie Sanders! They’re followed by every House and Senate Democrat until they’re all assembled on the steps. It’s a tense moment, the music briefly fades out before a close-up on Chuck Schumer as he says the line we’re all waiting for…
“Only you can stop this! Donate now!”
Chaos ensues as the Democrats kind of meander about on the Capitol steps, writing stern posts on Bluesky and Twitter, before just kind of wandering off.
In the Oval Office, Trump signs his name to the last executive order as Elon stands behind him doing that dorky jumping ‘X’ pose.
What happens next in the ACU?
Things look pretty bad. Republicans are in control of everything, no one with any kind of power stands to oppose them, and some dork named Big Balls is withholding your dad’s Social Security check. A post-credits scene teases the return of Nancy Pelosi, but most fans expect her to do precisely what she did before – nothing.
What’s left of the courts might put forward some kind of resistance, but they’ll need backing and leadership. Trump is a known abuser of the anti-everything shield, so any legal action taken against him will need to find a way around that. One thing is certain though, American Democracy will never be the same.
Although it remains to be seen if the ACU will ever regain the cultural relevance it once had as Donald Trump’s approval rating currently sits at 46.6% with an audience score of 25%.
Microsoft’s Revolutionary AI Produces Sea of Thieves Season 15
BY Dan Katz ON February 21, 2025
TWYCROSS, United Kingdom — Just a day after announcing its revolutionary new video game generative AI model “Muse,” Microsoft owned studio Rare has used it to produce Sea of Thieves Season 15: Wild Things.
“Muse is already proving to be the best thing to come to Sea of Thieves since the Sovereign’s tent in Season 7,” said an excited Drew Stevens, Production Director at Rare. “Season 14 was so buggy and lifeless that players already thought it was created by AI, so now that Muse is here we can truly show what AI can do and prove that it really has been our development team behind all the rubber-banding and hit reg issues.”
Popular Sea of Thieves streamer HitboTC, who had become so disillusioned with the game that he ventured off to try his hand at Star Citizen, the “Sea of Thieves of Space,” said he is giddy at the thought of everything generative AI could bring to the game.
“Whoa baby, the shenanigans in Season 15 are going to be amazing – MommaBear coming in with the 37-month Tier 1! You’re a legend! – and I can’t wait to get back out on the seas with my sloopington for some tucks and steals,” said a vibrating HitboTC, bouncing in his chair. “Just think…AI can create all sorts of new fish for this Hunter’s Call-focused season. Red ones, glowing ones, legendary ones, even fish that don’t look like fish at all. And then we can catch them and sell them and catch them and sell them and grind, grind, grind, for the next cosmetic!”
Fellow streamer PhuzzyBond, known for his studious approach to Sea of Thieves, explained that he is looking forward to “sciencing” the new generative AI creations.
“I plan to devote an entire stream to determining if our distance from an island affects which new fish are generated and what percentage of them look like absolute garbage,” Phuzzy explained after taking a moment to tend to his hydroponic garden. “It might be hard to tell the difference because the game’s graphics look like they were made in Midjourney v1, but I am nothing if not thorough. In the end, though, everything is pointless,” he added. “It’s all a never-ending cycle of trying to earn the next ‘thing,’ but at least AI is here now to generate a new megalodon upon which we can all fixate for a week.”
At press time, players are still unable to get into the game because Muse siphoned too much power from the Sea of Thieves servers.
