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Hard Digest February 23: Early Access Holy Diver, Competency, Emotional Support Dogs, and More
🕑 Added 2025-02-24 01:00:05 +0000 UTCPriest on “Holy Diver” Album Cover Probably Deserved It
By CANTON, Mass. — Observers of the cover art of Dio’s 1983 debut masterpiece “Holy Diver” collectively agreed that the priest depicted being whipped by a giant demon probably deserved what was happening to him, sources report.
“Yeah, I emerged from Hell with a whole planned agenda to take over the world,” the demon offered. “I didn’t even have a set strategy of punishing members of the Catholic Church, but when I saw the clergyman I instinctively hit him with my whip. Normally, I have a pretty strict checklist to ensure people are wicked before torturing them, but come on. This is a priest we’re talking about. I don’t think an exhaustive background check is needed, and also, we’re close to Boston for Christ’s sake. Have you seen ‘Spotlight’? We can just presume the worst and not subject ourselves to a deep dive on this guy’s past.”
Artist Randy Berrett saw eye to eye with the demon.
“I’m going to have to agree with the demon in this picture,” Berrett said. “When I was contracted to create the cover for Dio’s debut, I was given loose instructions on what the band wanted to see. As soon as I heard they wanted a priest being persecuted, I figured no follow-up questions were necessary. I usually like to come up with an elaborate backstory for my work, but one glance at this man fruitlessly attempting to flee in terror while being assaulted by a towering demon is all the context the viewer needs here.”
Sociologist Jeewani Peiris provided her expertise on the art.
“Given the Catholic Church’s unbelievably corrupt and evil history, we can always just assume men of the cloth deserve the horrific fates they meet in metal music,” Peiris offered. “At face value, it may seem repetitive to show priests being tormented and killed in artwork and music videos, but do we really need a lesson on why they’re clearly the bad guys? I don’t even do case studies on the subject anymore because they would be completely superfluous. Is anybody watching, for instance, the music videos for ‘Hades Rising’ by Bloodbath or ‘Homage for Satan’ by Deicide and feeling bad for the preachers? It’s highly doubtful at this point.”
At press time, it was determined that the guy from the album cover for Slayer’s “Diabolus in Musica” probably deserved to be attacked as well, but no devil was brave enough to do it.
Fuck! I Accidentally Showed Competency in My Job and Now I’m Expected To Do Stuff
By Stephen Bell
Fuck! I made a huge mistake at work and now I’m paying for it dearly. My huge mistake? Not making mistakes!
Unlike my coworkers, I’m not constantly fucking shit sideways. I’ve shown a level of competency at my job which means my superiors are now dependent on me to make sure that the work is done correctly around the warehouse. Has said competency been rewarded with an increase in pay? Nope, just a mounting pressure to continue going above and beyond or I will be fired.
My main problem is that I’ve shown the ability to critically think and solve problems which keeps getting more work piled on top of me. For example, I was the guy who figured out how to get the squirrels out of the roof rafters so now I’m the head squirrel guy. I’ve also been tasked with operating the shipment tracking software, fixing the constantly clogged toilet, and calming down the boss when his ego gets hurt. Wrangling squirrels and my temperamental boss are very taxing jobs which are well beyond my job description of forklift operator.
The thing I’ve come to realize is my fellow employees aren’t dumb. In fact they’re actually quite smart because they know that effort isn’t rewarded around here. I asked my boss for a raise and was told “Work is its own reward” and explained to me how work makes you free. I would try to work less or make some mistakes but they already know that I know better. This means that they’re less likely to be lenient on me when I screw up, unlike how lenient they are with Steve the Screwup who as the name implies is a screw-up. They let him do whatever because they don’t expect anything out of him making him the smartest guy here.
When I threatened to quit, my supervisor counter-threatened to write a stellar letter of recommendation for me and send it to any new bosses I might have. It would be filled with effusive praise of my abilities and what a hard worker I was, meaning no matter where I went, this specter of competency would follow. Maybe it’s time to fake my death so I can start fresh elsewhere. I’ll get Steve the Screwup to fake dropping a tower of pallets on me. Or maybe he’d actually kill me because of his constant screw-ups. Either way, I’ll finally be free.
Overworked Emotional Support Dog Now Requires Its Own Smaller Emotional Support Dog
By Rachel Hein
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Local emotional support dog Gus is reportedly “at his limit” and has sought his own emotional support from local Yorkipoo, Lil Mama, confirmed sources who could use a few therapy animals themselves.
“It’s not a nine to five, you know? You’re never off the clock in this business,” said Gus, the Labrador Retriever, wearing a vest that read, “don’t pet me, I’m working.” “Sure, I wait at the door for the person I support. When she watches the same news cycle on loop, I know to lick her face repeatedly. And when she scrolls on her phone for too long, I pee on the carpet so she has to get up. I put in the work. Eventually I’ll think, ‘thank god, she’s finally asleep’ and then the heaving sobs start again. Long story short, I found myself gradually turning into the person I was supposed to emotionally support. It’s like the depression was contagious.”
Lil Mama, a toy poodle and Yorkshire Terrier, seemed geared up to provide support to Gus.
“Before I came on board as Gus’s personal certified ESA, he was alone with this millennial sad girl loser who got dumped or her mom died, or both. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention when he told me,” Lil Mama shared. “That’s why I’m here holding up the delicate emotional fabric of this household. Evidently, this woman previously had an emotional support cat. Those things don’t do anything unless you count vomiting on the kitchen floor as mentally comforting. If anything, her emotional state got worse from the feline companion and that instability was projected onto Gus.”
Spongecake, a watchful bulldog that lives next door, expressed concern for the growing number of emotional support animals one house over.
“He said Lil Mama assuaged his deep loneliness in a way that heretofore he believed could only come from the biggest stick in the world. Yeah, right!” Spongecake said with a snort. “Oh, and get this, last week he mentioned Lil Mama had her eye on a potential emotional support squirrel for herself, in case things got worse. That’s ridiculous. All you need is the perfect stick to really turn your mental state around. I suggest they all just rummage through the backyard. That’s how I get out of a funk.”
At press time, Lil Mama pressed her nose up against Gus’s asshole to sniff it, which gently reminded him that everything was going to be okay.
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