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Hard Digest February 26: Early Access Live Shows, Shy Guys, Brothers, and More
🕑 Added 2025-02-27 01:00:04 +0000 UTCDevastating: Band Still Has a Couple More Songs for You
By CHICAGO — Local shoegaze band The Distant Star announced that they were intending to perform a couple more songs, ruining the nights of dozens of audience members, confirmed sources who checked the time several times since.
“You’ve been such an incredible audience, thank you so much for coming,” said frontman Barry Blazer without a hint of irony. “It means the world to us you being here, to be able to look out and see so many familiar faces. Friends, family members, co-workers, people who I’d notice if they left early and would be really, really upset about it. We have a couple more songs we want to play. The first means a lot to me personally. As some of you know my cat Wiggles went to the great litter box in the sky a few months ago. For the longest time I didn’t know how to process that pain until I wrote this nine-minute magnum opus. After the song, we will also hold a live Q&A session before moving onto another track.”
Show attendee Laina Parks took the news especially hard.
“Don’t get me wrong, I mildly enjoy this band as much as the next person, but it is a weekday evening. Some of us have work in the morning,” Parks muttered while scoping out every possible exit in the venue. “I’m pretty tired after my shift at the hospital and it’s a long drive home. Hopefully it’s not those instrumental odysseys he’s been telling us about or one of those long and repetitive ones. I guess I have no choice but to stay and weather the storm. If I end up getting through this, I vow to never go to a show again.”
Music historian Cliff Baxter provided some advice for showgoers in this unfortunate position.
“There’s only so much an audience can take before their body language screams ‘that’s enough,’” Baxter said. “There’s always a hell of a rush towards the parking lot when this one’s over. However, there are a few ways one could theoretically get out of this sort of pickle. For one, someone could pull a fire alarm or, better yet, call in a bomb threat. Additionally, you could cut the power from outside the venue or even climb through the rafters ‘Die Hard’ style to unleash hazardous carbon monoxide or toxic gases to make the band end their set.”
At press time, terrifying rumors began circulating that there might be an encore as well.
Sad! This Painfully Shy Man Would Love to Order Fajitas but Cannot Handle the Flashy Presentation
By Kyle Donley
To some, it is a delicious dish replete with grilled meats and vegetables, best enjoyed in the company of friends and family. However, to local claims adjuster Pete Keane, the pomp and circumstance implied in a fajita order is too much to bear.
“It’s way too much pressure,” Pete explained over a plate of flautas. “Like what if I make the fajita wrong? The waiter never gives any instructions. It’s normally a team of waiters who bring it out too, so now do I have to tip them on top of my main waiter? That’s a lot of hands on deck for just little old me. And why is the meat still cooking on an incredibly hot cast-iron skillet? Do I need to continue to cook it? Will it make me sick if I don’t? How will I know when it’s done? I’m not a chef, I’m just a local claims adjuster!”
Sure, these may sound like the isolated ramblings of a neurotic freak, but sadly Pete is not alone. As our society grows more insular and stupid, “Fajita Panic” has steadily been on the rise, reportedly plaguing one out of six hundred adults according to the watchdog group Scary Food Alliance.
Still, little is known about this emerging form of mental illness. What is driving the fear? Childhood trauma? Feelings of inadequacy? Claustrophobia? Logic dictates these people are mostly eating alone, probably wearing a full puffy winter coat or something, so why would it matter if their meal takes up over half the table?
While many questions remain unanswered, it is clear that Pete’s penchant for cuckolding himself through meals is not exclusive to fajitas.
“I actually had a seizure once at a Red Robin when my ex-wife told the waitstaff it was my birthday. They ambushed me, singing a weird, updated version of Happy Birthday and served me a cheeseburger with a fried egg on top. What am I supposed to do with that?! I’ve jumped out of a moving car more than once in the Benihana parking lot. Luckily there’s a Panera Bread in the same shopping center where I could order off a tablet and silently soup myself to sleep.”
If you or someone you know struggles with fajita panic, please contact your local Panera Bread and get the help you need.
Pair of Skinny Brothers in Matching Off Color Business Suits Tired of Being Mistaken for Synth Pop Band
By NEW YORK — Local fashionable and slim brothers John and Bob Bedword are sick of being mistaken for a synth pop duo at a local bar, confirmed sources who could swear they were in one.
“I’ve never listened to synthesizer pop and refuse to until I stop hearing about it,” said the older Bedword brother in his thick European accent. “We run a small time tailor shop together and prefer to look professional with our variety of custom blazers. I wear my sunglasses indoors because I have a sensitivity issue. Bob doesn’t wear eyeliner, that’s just our genetics. We don’t know about Yazoo, Yello, or any other obscure ‘80s act. We were born in the ‘90s and only listen to Gin Blossoms, for fuck’s sake.”
Several patrons were disappointed after discovering the brothers weren’t who they appeared to be.
“You know how hard it is to find a good synth pop act these days? I want some live music to dance to but also make me a little depressed and horny. You know, what good music is supposed to do,” reported Susan Michaels, a customer seen wearing an Erasure button. “When they introduced themselves to me as The Bedword Brothers I was like ‘hell yeah’ but then he handed me their business card which featured an over-saturated graphic of them leaning on each other. They then said they’ll give me a discount. Very confusing. Just play some Gary Numan-type music or get the hell out of my face.”
Manager of the bar, Bruce Hefner, couldn’t believe they weren’t able to perform that night.
“Tonight’s our open mic night and was really excited for some Sparks vibes. Looks like it’s gonna be mostly acoustic this week yet again,” Hefner stated, looking longingly at the framed Yellow Magic Orchestra album on the wall. “All I’ve ever wanted was to see a nice synthy new wave band show up to one of these but I fear it’ll never happen. I told them that they are welcome to perform a different week if they’d like as well as get free drinks but one of the brothers just sighed and walked away. They should really consider updating their wardrobes to avoid confusion.”
At press time, four guys in hazmat suits arrived to address a chemical spill, but everyone was almost positive they were a DEVO cover band.
Conservative One Piece Fan Watches Show On Mute With Eyes Closed
BY GREENVILLE, S.C. — Sources close to the situation have revealed that local “One Piece” fan Max Nevins watches the popular anime with his eyes closed and with his computer speakers completely on mute in order to avoid seeing or having to think critically about the IP’s “liberal messaging.”
“I really love One Piece. Or at least, I think I do,” Nevins said in a statement to local press. “The character designs are great, the incredibly detailed and intricate world built by Eiichiro Oda is captivating, and the fights and Devil Fruit powers seem really cool from the small glimpses I’ve caught of them. I just have to watch it on mute with my eyes closed most of the time because it gets so preachy. ‘Oh, Celestial Dragons this, World Government that. Classism and racism are bad, wah wah wah’… you liberals are so whiny. Why can’t they scrap all of that Revolutionary Army stuff and just focus on the more important details, like animating Nami’s boobs to be bigger and bigger every arc?”
Nevins’ best friend Richie Murphy, a fellow anime fan and the one who got him into One Piece in the first place, offered his thoughts on the matter.
“As someone who’s currently caught up on the manga, it’s been fun to watch Max’s journey through the series, even if it has sort of been in bits and pieces.” Murphy commented. “I’d ask him how he liked Enies Lobby, for example, and he’d respond that seeing Luffy unlock Gear Second and Third were really cool moments, but he didn’t see Robin’s entire backstory. I guess he didn’t want to hear about a horrible genocide committed by the Marines and how fascist practices like the destruction of knowledge and information lead to an ignorant and easier-to-control general populace. Same thing happened with Fishman Island: he liked Zoro’s fight with Hody Jones underwater, but he muted all of the episodes about fishman-human relations and the endless cycles of violence that racism causes. Oh well, everyone enjoys anime differently, I guess.”
When approached for comment, Lily O’Connor, a local anime convention organizer, had the following to say.
“Oh yeah, I know Max. Bit of an odd guy. He keeps telling me he’s a big One Piece fan and that he’s almost done with Wano, but then when I try to talk to him about it, it’s like he’s just skipped over half the show? I think he completely missed the entire Reverie part because it was ‘too political’…but it’s not even filler! He also has no idea what I’m talking about when I say things like ‘I’m excited for Dragon to finally do something’ or ‘It’s really cool that Luffy is now the reincarnation of the sun god and will free the world from Imu’s tyranny.’ Not sure why he avoids all of that stuff…and I don’t even wanna know how he’s gonna react to the Egghead Arc.”
At press time, Max was spotted forcefully removing his headphones and throwing a blanket over his head at the mere mention of the Celestial Dragons owning slaves.
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