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Hard Digest March 5: Early Access Festival Posters, Siskel & Ebert, Trump, and More
🕑 Added 2025-03-06 01:00:08 +0000 UTCMan Caught Lying to Blind Date About His Band’s Font Size on Festival Poster
By Ben Friedman
HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — Frontman Dale Leinert humiliated himself after his blind date discovered the font size of his band on a local festival poster was nowhere near as big as he told her, sources close to the band have confirmed.
“No, no, no. See, what she needs to realize is the size of a band’s billing varies by what kind of paper the promoters use and if you’re looking at the flyer on your phone. I mean, is there really that much of a difference between 6 and 14 points? It’s a perfectly normal size in smaller entertainment markets,” said Leinert. “Doesn’t everyone exaggerate on the first date? If anything, the reason it seems smaller on the poster is because ‘Neutral Milk Hotel California’ is too long of a band name to fit in the middle of the bill. This is clearly a formatting issue and not a performance problem.”
Leinert’s date admitted she would not have cared so much about his band’s billing had he not made multiple attempts to gaslight her.
“I know some singers get self-conscious about their bill placement, but I’m not fucking stupid. He spent the entire night bragging how his band was on the same tier as Bouncing Souls, and when I pulled the flyer out of his pocket I saw they’re almost dead last next to some DJ I’ve never heard of,” said Emily Jones. “He was freaking out, so I told him lots of small bands actually sound bigger once they’re on stage but he kept trying to trick me into believing the problem was that women see fonts differently from men. Have fun with your 10 am time slot, asshole.”
The festival’s promoter acknowledged he’s relentlessly badgered by bands regarding their placement and size on the posters.
“It’s more than just politics and posturing, it’s one hundred percent about ego. Any promoter can tell you the very second festival lineups are announced, smaller bands start coming after our graphic designers to ‘enhance’ their names by putting it in Impact font or some bullshit,” said promoter Daniel Berry. “I don’t want to blow up anyone’s spot, but if someone you know sends you an unsolicited picture of the festival lineup they’re playing, chances are it’s been Photoshopped to look bigger. Just saying.”
At press time, Jones left in the middle of the date after Leinert relentlessly insisted to her that 200 streams a month is actually a lot for Spotify artists.
The Next Siskel & Ebert? These Two Buddies Watch a Lot of Porn Together
By Nearly forty years ago, “Siskel & Ebert at the Movies” debuted on ABC, changing the face of film criticism forever. The program not only gave the moviegoing public guidelines on what was good, but it also offered millions of film nerds across the country the chance to identify with one of two middle-aged white men—portly and lovable populist Roger Ebert or the tall, dark, and handsome curmudgeon Gene Siskel.
Now, over 25 years after Gene Siskel’s death, Wyatt Camp and Ben Conn of Glencoe, Illinois, hope to bring that magic back. These two buddies keep the legacy alive through their favorite shared pastime: watching a lot of porn together. You may ask, how is this honoring the legacy of the two late Chicago legends? Not only do Wyatt and Ben watch at least twenty full porn scenes together a day, but after each viewing, they discuss every scene at length.
“At first, we just needed to find a shared activity to save our dying friendship,” Wyatt stated. “But we realized we both watch a lot of porn, so we might as well bond over it.”
When asked if the pair have any plans to showcase their discussions for the public, Ben said, “Like many things in my life, I’ve been wrong, but as of now, we have no plans to share our love of discussing porno with the world. We did develop our own system, though—a hard-on is our thumbs up, and flaccid is thumbs down.”
When asked if their dynamic was as antagonistic as that of Siskel and Ebert, Ben simply replied “It’s hard to argue with someone when you’re both fully erect.”
After seven years of uninterrupted porn-watching bliss, the boys had a falling out during the pandemic over diverging interests. Wyatt always had a preference for MILF and age-play videos. Ben was cool with it—they had an understanding. However, during the pandemic, Wyatt refused to watch anything other than lesbian videos featuring Hungarian grannies seducing Spanish college girls.
At the same time, Ben shifted from his usual preferred meat-and-potatoes anal and cuckold videos to foisting unwelcome triple-anal cuckold videos with racist undertones onto Wyatt.
After alienating the rest of their mutual friend group, Wyatt and Ben realized they had to mend things and find common ground again. They only had each other, after all. Nowadays, you’ll find the boys cracking open a couple of brewskis to the latest milking table fetish videos. Real friendship always endures hardship!
Trump Says Statue of Liberty Is “A Six, at Best”
By WASHINGTON — President Trump commented on the appearance of the Statue of Liberty calling it a “six, at best” during a press conference on the Isareli-Palestinian conflict, sources who are surely trapped in a fever dream reported.
“Look at what the radical left has done to our once great country. You look at Lady Liberty who should be beautiful but is really like a six on a good day and it’s so sad,” said Trump to a bewildered press corps. “Perhaps we should look into making her beautiful again. We can give her a tremendous smile. Women always look better when they smile, don’t they? They love to smile, the women. But not so much anymore with what Crooked Joe did to the price of eggs. The women aren’t smiling anymore, you know? But you look and see that perhaps we’ll even give the statue a little more cleavage. I know Hegseth would like that, wouldn’t you?”
White House staffers say this is not the first time the president has commented on the Statue of Liberty’s physical appearance.
“He’s been talking about it for like a week. Cabinet members keep trying to get him to focus on these real issues but he just keeps interrupting and saying things like how ‘she would really look a lot better if we painted her gold, don’t you think?’ He also kept mentioning that she was an immigrant from France, perhaps undocumented. We’re all so confused,” said junior staffer Trent Lubbard. “He had me look up how to put eyeliner on the face of the statue somehow. He said they could probably do it from a helicopter. He’s a great man and I believe in his vision but even I sometimes wonder if this was all a huge mistake.”
Conservative pundit Karl Strungis says Trump has every right to change the appearance of the statue.
“As commander-in-chief with complete immunity, Trump is well within his constitutional right to modify in any way the Statue of Liberty, or really any national landmark for that matter,” said Strungis. “He can go ahead and make the statue look like Ivanka, or have his own face engraved onto the Vietnam Memorial for all I care as long as he distracts the general public long enough for the adults in the room to push through our agenda.”
At press time, Trump said to reporters that he was looking into doing something about “that real haggy-looking lady” on the Susan B. Anthony coin.
Iggy Koopa Insists It Was Merit That Made Him the Boss of Yoshi’s Island
BY DINOSAUR ISLAND — Koopaling and boss of Yoshi’s Island Iggy Koopa insisted that he had ascended to his position through merit alone, snickering sources confirmed.
“Listen, I know that my father is Bowser, but that really has nothing to do with it,” Koopa explained as he hoisted himself out of the lava that Mario had effortlessly pushed him into moments earlier. “I began my career as a regular Koopa Troopa and climbed the corporate ladder through hard work and perseverance. Were there some bureaucratic obstacles that Dad moved out of my way? Sure, but that speaks more to inefficiencies in the organizational structure of Yoshi’s Island than it does about any special treatment. I know I’m the right man for this job, and that’s all that matters.”
Fellow boss Big Boo disagreed with Koopa’s take on his situation.
“Oh, that is total bullshit,” Boo complained. “I had to work my ass off to get a promotion, and even then the only position Bowser offered me was that of a secret boss. He said it was because of budget cuts, but it’s clear the real reason was that all the boss roles were taken by his kids. I dare anyone who thinks nepotism isn’t a problem on Dinosaur Island to watch Iggy Koopa attempt to fight Mario. How is our evil takeover supposed to be taken seriously when we have such incompetent clowns representing us?”
Political historian Aadhya Joshi weighed in on nepotism in video games.
“I see this all the time in my studies,” Joshi said. “One needn’t look any further than the Belmont family’s claim on vampire killing in Wallachia, or the Sons of Big Boss on Shadow Moses Island, to know that the one thing all villainous forces have in common is favors being given to family members of those in power. The only thing we can do is laugh at them when they try to claim otherwise.”
At press time, Iggy Koopa had been inexplicably promoted to boss of Twin Bridges after his brother Ludwig ran away to study music at Juilliard against their father’s wishes.
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