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Hard Digest April 6: Early Access Factory Owners, Amoeba Records, JD Vance, and More
🕑 Added 2025-04-07 00:00:04 +0000 UTCOwner of Dimly Lit Factory Getting Really Sick of Nu-Metal Bands Sneaking In to Film Music Videos
By BAY CITY, Mich. — President of R&L Composites Inc. Stan Bratonski had just about enough of nu-metal bands breaking into his factory after hours to film their music videos, sources report.
“I get a call from ADT every time the alarm goes off, so I’m constantly having to drive here in the middle of the night to kick them out,” Bratonski complained. “We manufacture composite components for the aerospace industry here. In no way is this facility meant to house nu-metal bands playing their songs in the middle of the floor while surrounded by strobe lights and headbanging fans. They’ve even started bringing in caged fences for them to climb while the bands play inside. I’m going to have to hire armed guards, as it’s just getting ridiculous.”
Nu-metal singer Ricky Schizo of the band IN-Sanitarium provided his side of the story.
“This place is a favorite filming location for every nu-metal band in town,” Schizo admitted. “The dim lighting and industrial setting perfectly match the brooding nature of our music. My band sneaked in here last month to film the video for our song ‘Back Down or Bleed,’ and it turned out amazing. We almost didn’t get to do it because the band Sykotic showed up at the same time wanting to shoot their video, but we were able to compromise and have them film over in the filament winding department. I don’t know what the nu-metal community will do if we can no longer come here.”
Manufacturing expert Regina Eckert weighed in on the nation-wide issue.
“This is a very common complaint amongst owners of dimly lit factories,” Eckert said. “The nightly infestation of mesh tank top-clad rockers can be overwhelming, and the messes they leave behind can actually cause issues for unwitting employees in the morning. Few people know this, but the factory where Sevendust filmed the video for ‘Denial’ actually burned down the next day because a puddle of hair gel left by one of the extras caused a fire with an industrial oven. I suggest Mr. Bratonski have his second shift set out bug foggers and mousetraps before they leave to discourage these bands. I would also recommend barbed wire around the premises, but it’s likely the bands would steal it and convert it into jewelry.”
At press time, Bratonski was hit with a lawsuit from one of the trespassers who lost his leg after getting his Tripp pants caught in a machine.
Am I a Celebrity Now? Amoeba Records Security Wants To Know What’s in My Bag
By Zachary Wolf
Man you guys, you’ll never believe what happened to me when I went to Amoeba Records last week! I shouldn’t say anything, but I can’t help myself. I was leaving the store when somebody stopped me and asked the question you always wanted to be asked at Amoeba Records.
Amoeba Employee: Excuse me, can I see what’s in your bag?
Me: Wow! Yes! How cool!
Amoeba Employee: It’s my first day and I don’t know what you’re talking about. Just open it up please.
Me: Well I love Samhain, and I already have “Final Descent” on vinyl, but I wanted a CD so I could rock out to it in the car. Plus Samhain isn’t on streaming, so yeah, this was a no-brainer.
Amoeba Employee: Do you have a receipt?
Me: I couldn’t leave here without “Grizzly Man,” it’s my favorite movie ever. The part where Herzog tells her to destroy the tape and she says “I will Werner, I will!” gets me every time.
Amoeba Employee If you don’t show me the receipt for these items I’m going to have to take you into the back.
Me: I got this sweet copy of “October Rust” on tape. And since I don’t actually have a tape player, I grabbed this Walkman too. So cool you guys still sell these things.
Amoeba Employee: That’s it, come with me.
(At this point the man ushered me into a cramped back office with what looked like a one-way mirror in it. He told me to sit down at a desk and to keep my hands where he could see them.)
Me: Don’t you normally film the show on the sales floor itself?
Amoeba Employee: Film what? Actually, forget it. Just slowly empty the contents of your bag. One at a time.
Me:I got this Henry Rollins book, but it seems to be just a bunch of angry poetry?
Amoeba Employee: On second thought just empty your whole bag. This is taking too long.
Me: Have you heard “Mean Man” by W.A.S.P? It’s so rad. Couldn’t believe you had the 7” on hand.
Amoeba Employee: That’s it, I’m calling for backup.
(Someone else entered the room, and I saw the word ‘Manager’ on her name tag. I had no idea that the manager was also the director of the show. Such a neat glimpse behind the scenes!)
Amoeba Manager: This is your last warning. We’ve called the police, and unless you give me a receipt before they get here you’re going to jail.
Me: Amoeba jail? Is that like the Criterion Closet?
Soon afterwards the cops came and arrested me because apparently I forgot to pay for the items. They took me to jail, and the fascists didn’t even let me keep the stuff even though I offered them a credit card to pay for them! All on the technicality that the credit card wasn’t mine, bogus!
So anyway, I’ll be in jail for the next 6–9 months, but keep an eye out on the Amoeba Records YouTube channel for, what I assume will be a very special episode of “What’s in My Bag?”
JD Vance Spotted Sign Twirling Outside Tesla Dealership
By Ryan Sims
ARLINGTON, Texas — Vice President JD Vance was spotted sign twirling outside of a Tesla dealership today, attempting to convince onlookers to pull in for a test drive, confirmed sources who seemed less inclined to purchase one after witnessing his poor spinning prowess.
“Look, the liberal left will attempt to paint this as a humiliating degradation of power by a drugged up South African trying to seize control of the Federal government while also trying to juice his company’s stock. But here’s what the lying media won’t tell you: I’m proud to support a great American company like Tesla,” Vance asserted. “Oh man, it was so funny. Elon asked if I wanted to grab a beer. I of course said yes, and before I knew it, I was bound and gagged in the back of a Cybertruck. He’s always busting my balls like that. Then when we got to the dealership, he tossed me out, threw me a sign, and said ‘dance, monkey boy.’ Man, he’s so funny. You liberal snowflakes wouldn’t understand, but this is how real men joke around. Then the Cybertruck drove off by itself, fully plowing through a red light and several pedestrians.”
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt provided full details of Vance’s new role.
“The official duties of the Vice President now include working seasonally at Tesla. Elon added it to the constitution this morning,” the press secretary announced. “Regarding the specific role, Mr. Musk thought sign twirling would suit JD because it is quote, ‘the only thing that beta sack of shit could possibly be good for.’ Also, The White House is thrilled to announce that The Vice President’s salary is being redirected into Roadster preorders.”
Kyle Bodie, Vance’s new boss and 20-year-old Tesla supervisor, doesn’t know if the Vice President has the right skillset to succeed at the position.
“Honestly, I’ve seen better sign twirling from high school students,” said Bodie. “The last guy could do all these sick flips and stuff. I told JD that. He tried one and fully ate shit on the pavement. He laughed it off and said he did it on purpose. I don’t see him going very far at the company. If this doesn’t work out, we’ll have to demote him to janitor or salesperson.”
At press time, Vance was seen attempting to wrangle his crying children into Cybertruck t-shirts.
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