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Hard Digest April 16: Early Access Stab Wounds, Music Critics, Trump, and More
🕑 Added 2025-04-17 00:00:18 +0000 UTCDude Will Not Shut Up About Being Stabbed Five Minutes Ago
By TACOMA, Wash. — Local dude Grant Brentfield wouldn’t shut the hell up about being brutally attacked with a knife just a few moments ago, confirmed mildly inconvenienced sources.
“Like, we get it, man. You are gradually bleeding out onto the sidewalk, in excruciating pain the likes of which you’ve never experienced before, and need someone to call 9-11 for you. No need to keep going on and on about it,” said bystander Craig Vanguard. “A good 1,500 people a year die from knife-based attacks in the US, so this guy isn’t special or anything, no matter how much he tries to make this whole stabbing thing about himself. Some people just can’t read the room. For instance, I need to get to work and now I have to wait around for the police since I’m technically a witness to the incident. I don’t think I’d mind so much but he keeps on moaning like a baby. C’mon, at least try to take a knife to the abdomen like an adult.”
Brentfield just couldn’t seem to let it go.
“I’m starting to lose consciousness, so that’s probably where my sense of urgency is coming from,” said Brentfield. “I’m sorry to be such a bother to others, but if someone wouldn’t mind calling an ambulance that would really do me a solid right now. Oh, and if anyone happens to have a towel on them to help stop the bleeding, that would be huge. No worries, if not. I understand everyone is just walking around thinking about their own problems and likely not considering anyone else, including me who’s starting to think his intestines might be popping out. Being stabbed is just not all it’s cracked up to be.”
Experts noted that this phenomenon was nothing new.
“People have a tendency to use their struggles as a way to amplify themselves,” said counselor Gina Norman. “One day you’re making up new mental health disorders to garner sympathy, the next you’re using the gunshot wound you sustained 10 minutes ago to make everyone around within shouting distance pay attention to you. It’s gross. We live in a society. No one should be forced to acknowledge others’ existence, let alone help them in so-called trying times. We need to do better.”
At press time, a nearby man would not shut up about being run over by a Subaru Outback 10 minutes ago.
Opinion: Society Will Still Need Snarky Music Critics After Civilization Collapses
By Ben Friedman
Unless you’ve been blissfully unaware of any and all current events, this country is fucked. I’m not trying to sound defeatist but we’re looking at at least two or three plausible doomsday scenarios. It’s time to stop thinking about reverting to some comforting normalcy, to look ahead and reevaluate what our roles are going to be in order to keep humanity’s survival viable for future generations.
Which is why I would like to point out that no matter what happens, we definitely will still need snarky music critics to judge shitty music after the apocalypse.
With any luck, music will play a central role in self expression and building community beyond our current existence. And within that community a few gatekeepers will inform the masses as to which songs are cool and which ones are bland, homogenized drivel. We owe to our progeny the means for preventing the next Maroon 5 from happening.
Once anarchy reigns, we will need to be able to grow our own crops, procure access to clean water, and likely revert back to some kind of bartering system of commerce. But central to each remote settlement there needs to be at least one person with the skillset to refer to corny new music as a wet gorilla fart or something in order to make people feel better about their own musical shortcomings and/or superior tastes.
Look at Mad Max: Fury Road. You think they just automatically settled on guitars, Marshall stacks, and flamethrowers to play while tearing across the wasteland? No, there was probably some asshole who wanted cellos or something way less metal until a heroic blogger from the “before time” stepped in and pointed out how the 1800’s called and wanted their instruments back.
Think about it! As we rebuild society from the ashes of our own mutual destruction, we’re also going to have to do a cultural reset. Imagine 100 years from now, a research team will dig through the rubble and find some dipshit’s collection of Trapt albums. They’ll need a trusty music critic (or “oracle” as I assume we’ll be called) on hand to point out they fucking suck.
While we cannot truly predict what the next version of civilization (if there is one) has in store for us, hopefully, it’s a more egalitarian one where a pantheon of smug music critics like the ones at Pitchfork in the 2000s can sit side by side with the leaders of tomorrow.
Trump Announces New FIRE Agency to Forcibly Import White Foreigners to USA
By Matt Husser
WASHINGTON — President Trump announced the creation of the new Federal Institute for Regulating Ethnonormality (FIRE) agency that would complement ICE by importing white foreigners to the USA, sources confirmed.
“Today I’m announcing a tremendous new FIRE agency that will bring the very best whites from around the world to help make America great again. The first plane will soon arrive with my very good friend Conor McGregor, Herman Goebbels’ grandson, and the wonderful Roman Polanski,” said President Trump, signing an executive order. “We’re also working very hard to get Ivan Drago, who was treated very unfairly in ‘Rocky 4’ after he did us all a favor by taking care of a very nasty man, Apollo Creed. Many people are saying Creed only died because he was an unqualified DEI hire, but Rocky refused to apologize and unfairly blamed it on Russia. Witch hunt!”
Department of Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem assured Americans that the new immigration policy would be conducted with the most stringent, old-school racist rigor.
“Our FIRE agents are already hard at work identifying and importing the very best white candidates from robust talent pools of nationalist soccer hooligans, foreign conservative pundits, and Andrew Tate’s relatives,” said Noem, holding up a color swatch to a potential candidate’s photo. “Rest assured, we are only getting the proudest, whitest candidates to import and place in highly regarded government positions. In fact, President Trump has specifically instructed us to make sure none of those dirty Italians sneak in with the rest of the qualified whites.”
Afrikaner Jan de Groot was surprised that he was chosen to be imported to the USA from his native South Africa after meeting the FIRE agency’s qualifications.
“I woke up with a mean meth hangover after spending all night vandalizing Nelson Mandela murals so you can imagine my surprise when I woke up in Washington D.C. with a passport and a job!” said de Groot. “It’s nice to finally see a President willing to correct historic wrongs after I had to suffer thirty hard years of desegregation. Plus some creepy cunt wearing too much makeup called J.D. set me up with an office, turns out I’m the most qualified candidate to oversee America’s entire nuclear arsenal. Pretty lekker deal, mate!”
At press time, the ICE and FIRE agencies were setting up a trade that would send thousands of Mexican healthcare workers to Argentina in exchange for any living Nazis that fled there after World War II.
Bowser Now Stealing 33% More Stars and Coins From American Mario Party Players
BY Kate Danvers
MUSHROOM KINGDOM — An all-too common argument erupted during one of Mario’s famous parties on Wednesday, though this time it had nothing to do with someone being bullied in a minigame. The row started when Luigi Mario objected to the number of coins taken from him when his roll landed him on a Bowser space.
“He charge-a me eight coins just for walking by him, but not two minutes earlier, Toad only had to pay six coins,” said the plumber from Brooklyn, New York, “I know-a what this is. This is because-a we’re Italian!”
King Bowser, monarch of the Koopa Kingdom didn’t deny the discrepancy in the two charges, but denied it had anything to do with heritage.
“He’s Italian? I never would have guessed,” said the shakedown tyrant, rolling his eyes, “look, it’s not personal, it’s just business. America started charging tariffs on imported goods and that affects my bottom line. Bob-ombs, floating platforms, minion costs – I gotta make up the difference somewhere. Luigi is from Brooklyn, it’s just a reciprocal tariff and I think a 33% increase is fair. If he doesn’t like it he should be mad at Wario for voting that guy in.”
Bowser’s explanation didn’t convince Mario Mario, brother of Luigi and host of the event. He argued that Mario Party is held in the Mushroom Kingdom, not America.
“It’s-a my party!” Mario shouted, before regaining his composure, “I never invited Bowser to extort coins and stars from my guests in the first place, but now he’s charging me and Luigi more just for being from America. I don’t know if I can afford to keep hosting these events. Coins don’t grow-a on trees, you know?”
At press time, attendees were unavailable for further comment after another guest pointed out that coins in the kingdom commonly float above trees, sparking another argument.
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