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Hard Digest April 9: Trump, Early Access ICE, Crowdkilling, Dogs, and More
🕑 Added 2025-04-10 00:00:05 +0000 UTCTrump Boasts Economy Much Stronger Under Him Than It Was Under Administration of 10 Minutes Ago
By Dan Rice
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump made the bold claim that his economy is “hugely much stronger” than that of the administration of about 10 minutes ago after a surge in the stock market due to the repeal of most proposed tariffs, sources confirmed.
“You gotta wonder what the hell these clowns were even thinking in the first place!” said Trump in a moment he seemed to view as total victory. “A trade war against the entire world? Whoever cooked up that scheme outta have their head examined I think, I really really do. Well, now I’m in charge, and the numbers don’t lie, the economy is finally healing. Some are already saying this is the new golden age and it could last, I don’t know, 15 minutes, maybe even 45 minutes. People are making omelets again, that’s how good it is! They’re making omelets filled with prescription drugs they can afford and they are saying ‘Thank you, Mr. Trump, thank you for ending the madness.’ It’s a beautiful thing we’ve done, it really is.”
Many notable right-wing thought leaders, who took a rare stance against the party after the administration of ten or fifteen minutes ago’s proposed tariff fiasco, praised the President’s move as a return to sanity.
“One of the few things we can all agree on is that Donald Trump’s tariff plan was a chaotic embarrassment that has irreparably weakened America both domestically and on the world stage,” said podcaster Joe Rogan. “So you really gotta give big ups to President Donald Trump for stepping in to stop the bleeding, that’s called leadership. This is the exact sort of genius that made me vote for Trump and Musk in the first place.”
The President remained triumphant and proud through his press conference, even while addressing concerns that pausing the tariffs won’t be enough to prevent a recession.
“He kept saying this was his predecessor’s fault. A guy he called ‘Donald Dump’ because he kept ‘dumping on the economy.’ When I asked him if he was referring to himself he called me a childish dweeb,” said AP reporter Claude Magnusson. “Then he had every member of his cabinet come out and start patting him on the back at the same time while he thanked himself for being such a strong leader.”
As of press time, The President has segued into reading copy about how there’s never been a better time to buy a Cybertruck.
Trump Announces Child Support Delinquency Payment Relief for Any Man Enlisting as ICE Agent
By WASHINGTON — President Trump announced a new program to help boost ICE enlistment numbers by promising to forgive any debt incurred by delinquent child support payments by new recruits, multiple excited deadbeat dads confirmed.
“This country needs heroes right now. I wish I could be out there on the frontlines arresting illegal aliens myself, but I can’t, they need my big brain here in Washington to drain the swamp. And my brain is really big, doctors have looked at it and they can’t figure it out. It’s probably because my brain knows all the words, and all the numbers, and how they go together,” said Trump in a pre-written statement. “Today I’m enacting a beautiful new program to enlist some of the toughest men in our country to help restore our borders. These men are so tough they don’t even care about their own children, they don’t have time for love. The only thing they truly love is America, and me. And to reward these men for joining ICE we will forgive all of their child support debt and add it to the debt of a student at an Ivy League college.”
Jacob Lennihan, a divorced father of four, was one of the first people to take advantage of the new Trump initiative.
“I can’t wait to see the look on my ex-wife’s face when I tell her I don’t owe her jack shit anymore. Even better, my new job even lets me carry a gun even though two different judges banned me from having firearms until I finished an anger management course. Joining ICE is a big fuck you to my wife and the legal system as a whole,” said Lennihan. “It’s never been harder to be a man than it is right now. I haven’t seen my kid in years because I was allegedly drunk when I picked them up from school. Which is bullshit, I only had a few beers before picking them up, it was a bad reaction to the sleeping pills I just snorted that made me crash the car. That’s all behind me now though.”
Todd M. Lyons, the Acting Director of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, says he expects enlistment numbers to double before the end of the year.
“We are already seeing a large influx of qualified men who want to take advantage of the child support payment forgiveness. The most frequent question new recruits are asking is if they can deport their ex-wives to El Salvador. Unfortunately, that’s not legal right now, but we are working on it,” said Lyons. “We do give all the new recruits a pamphlet on how they can legally harass anyone who has done them wrong in the past, which has been very popular.”
At press time, President Trump is floating the idea of offering pardons to anyone with multiple DUIs if they are willing to play video games with Elon Musk for the weekend.
6 Tips To Ensure You’re Crowdkilling in a Humane and Ethical Manner
By So you’ve found yourself at a Desolated show, and you want to be certain that nobody other than you gets to enjoy the performance. What’s a better way to go about this than crowdkilling? For those of you fortunate enough to not be in the know, this is the practice of hurling yourself, arms swinging, into the parts of the crowd that aren’t participating in the moshpit in the hopes that you injure some of your fellow concertgoers. What is the point of this, you ask? Fuck if we know, but we’d like to use our platform to make sure that, if you’re enough of a worthless pile of shit to participate in this unfortunate behavior, you at least adhere to some kind of code. As such, here are 6 tips to ensure you’re crowdkilling in a humane and ethical manner.
1. Safety First!
Your mission here is to harm other people who’ve never wronged you in any way, not to injure yourself. Crowdkilling can be physically exhausting, especially when your existing workout routine is limited to playing Fortnite and drinking Rockstars. Prep for a week beforehand by jogging to the liquor store down the block instead of driving to make sure your lungs can handle the extra effort of throwing yourself into a group of bystanders, and make sure you stretch beforehand. That concussion you just gave some poor 19-year-old girl will be paltry recompense for a pulled hamstring.
2. Fair Chase Principles
You don’t want to have an unfair advantage over your target, so make sure they are facing you while not hunched over their phone or engaged in conversation before you sucker punch them in the face for no goddamn reason. After all, everybody knows there’s nothing noble in hurting someone whose back is turned as they’re heading to the bar or restroom. You may be here to ruin the night of everybody who came here to enjoy some music with their friends, but you’re certainly not here to do so in a shameful and dishonorable fashion.
3. Respect Your Prey’s Property
Sure, you may be about to shatter someone’s jaw because they decided to leave the house and peacefully attend a concert, but there’s no reason to do it right after they’ve returned to the crowd while holding a full bottle of Labatt Blue. The same goes for phones. We don’t want the constant fear of being pummeled by a scum-sucking, attention-seeking loser like you to preclude people from taking video so they can remember this night going forward, so please wait politely for them to put their phones back in their pockets before you charge into them like some sort of frenzied, button-masher-controlled Ryu. We all know how expensive iPhones are, so they’ll certainly appreciate your consideration!
4. Understand Physical Boundaries
Every venue has its own specific layout, and it is your duty as a crowdkiller to learn and be aware of it before you engage in this pathetic and socially backward activity. Therefore, the bar, ticketing desk, restrooms, and any potential dining areas are completely off-limits to you. Remember, you are a morally upstanding crowdkiller, and you will show your hunting ground the deference it deserves. Your innocent victims are certain to recognize this as they’re cowering in fear from your relentless and completely needless physical assaults.
5. Choose Your Crowdkilling Companions Wisely
Your dutiful adherence to the principles outlined in this article will mean nothing if your partner in crime is not also aware of them. Who’s going to recognize you as a thoughtful and responsible crowdkiller if your buddy just cracked some guy’s eye socket while he was washing his hands in the men’s room? We are only as good as the company we keep, so bear that in mind while searching for like-minded colleagues. Prepare ahead by searching for someone who exhibits such righteous behaviors as buying his 24 oz Arizona Iced Teas from the local Sunoco in lieu of stealing them, or thanking people after bumming a cigarette off them. A little extra effort here will work wonders when it’s time to team up and unleash on the poor bastards who were unfortunate enough to inhabit the same building as you.
6. Leave No Trace
Congratulations! You’ve sent three people to the hospital, made yourself a total pariah in your local scene, and potentially got the venue shut down, but please don’t forget to grab a bunch of paper towels from the bathroom to clean up the blood and dislodged teeth now congealing on the floor. It is up to you to make sure this place looks like it would have had you not been here making everybody around you absolutely fucking miserable. Future crowdkillers will see this and know to act accordingly, so be an example!
There you have it! You may be a pitiful, reprehensible excuse for a human being, but nobody can say you don’t follow some loose set of guidelines while you’re randomly beating up strangers. Be sure to share this article with your scuzzy, crowdkilling friends, and stay tuned for our upcoming guide on how to be the douchebag in the moshpit who takes off his shirt!
Punk House Dog Tired of Being Blamed for Puke on Carpet
By Doug Kolic
CALGARY, Alberta — A dog cohabitating with some local punks announced that he’s fed up with constantly being falsely accused of vomiting inside the house, according to sources hearing him whimper out of frustration.
“I’ve had it up to here!” stated Skidmark, a roughly four-year-old boxer mix. “Every time someone discovers another pile of puke, piss or shit, guess who gets the heat? First these nasty punks change my once fierce name from Tyson to something disgusting like Skidmark, then they use me as a patsy to take the fall whenever they defile the house, which is daily. I know they all get a good chuckle about it, but we’ll see who gets the last laugh next time someone tries to blame their ralphed up quesadilla on me. It’s gonna be me, and by ‘laugh’ I mean ‘attack.’”
House resident Casper Wiggins, aka Fungus, explained the reason he got a dog.
“Initially it was just for the farts,” said Wiggins as he smeared snot on the fridge door for absolutely no good reason. “But after successfully blaming my flatulence on him, I realized I could also accuse him of a whole bunch of other gross stuff I like to do. But I don’t see what the big deal is, if the others found out it was me who barfed ten times last month in the hallway they’d definitely try to kick me out, but everyone forgives a dog. Sorry Skidz, better you than me.”
Punk researcher Dr. Kirby Hendricks described how this fringe sect of society has a long history of using scapegoats to cover the abhorrent way they live.
“Punks have no shame,” said Hendricks. “Their love of animals only goes as far as they can blame all the sick stuff they do on them, like spraying diarrhea all over the sink, or leaving large trails of bile on the floor. I once had a pit bull who I blamed for chewing up my sofa, until one day I realized there was a goddamn filthy punk living in the walls who’d mess my shit up when I wasn’t around. Let’s put it this way — one of these things is a dangerous animal that has no place living among humans, and the other one is a pit bull.”
As of press time, Skidmark was being blamed for a stockpile of stolen catalytic converters the police discovered in the punks’ garage.
Great Depression Gets HD Remaster
BY NEW YORK — Gamers rejoiced today as top heads of the video game industry, in conjunction with every other industry in the world, announced a modern re-release of the cult classic title The Great Depression.
“No matter how much video games advance, it’s always fun to go back and revisit the classics,” said Shuntaro Furukawa, President of Nintendo. “Nintendo is proud to be one of the many companies involved in bringing this remake of The Great Depression to life. We’ve already enjoyed seeing the discussion by fans about the upcoming Switch 2 version of The Great Depression, speculating on plot points, when it will release, and how much it will cost.”
Originally released in 1929 for the IBM 301 computer, The Great Depression was a first-person survival game that suffered from a mixed reception.
“It was universally hated,” explained gaming historian Lauren Fruitcake. “The gameplay was completely unforgiving, the way the player had to constantly work to afford food and housing in a world on the brink of collapse. But eventually it came to be appreciated for its in depth storytelling. The average person doesn’t really pick up on it while they’re playing, but the lore was really ahead of its time,” continued Fruitcake. “The whole game is set in a world where rampant overconsumption has created a fragile economy destined to crash, accelerated by a Republican President of the United States enacting major tariffs and crippling global trade, all while the threat of fascism lingers in the future. What a story, especially when you consider that this was over five years before the release of Planescape: Torment.”
While developers have promised the upcoming remake will stay true to the brutal difficulty of the original, a variety of new features are being included for modern audiences.
“We’ve improved the graphics, obviously,” announced Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella. “This time around everything will be in color. We’re also adding online features to the remake, so you can share your progress with your friends, post screenshots of your playthrough, and desperately beg the entire world for donations to cover basic living expenses … it really adds a new level of depth to the game that wasn’t there before. And for the truly hardcore players who thought the original was too easy, we’ve got a mode where players will have to deal with the accelerating threat of climate change on top of everything else!”
At press time, early work had already begun on a remake of The Great Depression’s sequel about a world war.
