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Hard Digest April 11: Coachella, Early Access Misfits, Vulgar Display of Power, MAGA Influencers, and More
🕑 Added 2025-04-12 00:00:20 +0000 UTCCoachella Attendee Relieved Tariffs Won’t Impact Native American Headdresses
By Ben Friedman
INDIO, Calif. — Coachella attendee Kayle Cooper breathed a sigh of relief after discovering the Native American headdress she was going to purchase to wear all weekend would not be impacted by the Trump administration’s tariffs, several sources looking to purchase very similar headwear confirmed.
“Like, talk about dodging a bullet! All of my friends had their outfits picked out and there was this really cute headdress that compliments my eyes, and I’ve been freaking out because the news said imports will be more expensive and my dad said we might lose the house. But it turns out they’re made by Native Americans in America, so problem solved,” said Cooper while rushing to get photos in front of the ferris wheel. “I really thought for a second there someone was going to take my picture at Charlie XCX’s set looking boring. I’ll gladly pay more for everything else if it means I can still look like a beautiful Native princess, but on molly.”
Apparel vendors just outside of the festival grounds were also relieved the government’s new tariffs would have a minimal impact.
“I personally don’t approve of cultural appropriation, but this is my busiest weekend thanks to all the suburban white dorks who haven’t gotten the memo about cultures not being costumes. Regardless, my margins are razor thin so I was sweating over the Canadian tariffs where I source my headdresses from. They’re handmade and not cheap, let me tell you,” said Marcus Livingston. “I was able to procure some from the good ol’ USA, of course I didn’t tell them who I’d be selling them to because they’d definitely say no. I hope they do well, because the cost of all the Asian and Latin American apparel and accessories I have are through the fucking roof.
Peter Navarro, Trump tariff expert, stated that avoiding a tariff on Native American goods has been the administration’s plan the entire time.
“Everyone who complained about the tariffs being reckless and misguided clearly did not see the big picture here, which is ensuring the rich tradition of Native American culture is carried on through our beautiful, white festival goers,” said Navarro. “Anyone who says otherwise will be rounded up and sent to a much shittier music festival, that much we can promise.”
At press time, Cooper was in shock after seeing the rest of her Native American outfit from SHEIN would cost 154% more than anticipated.
Republicans Point to Misfits “Last Caress” Lyrics as Evidence That People Abort Babies Post-Birth
By Bobby Korec
WASHINGTON — Members of the GOP claimed that the opening lyrics to the Misfits’ song “Last Caress” was proof that people abort babies post-birth, confirmed sources.
“Plus, the line ‘it doesn’t matter that much to me as long as it’s dead’ is further evidence that liberals do not show remorse for their baby-murdering proclivities,” said Speaker of the House Mike Johnson while applying homemade parental advisory stickers to the “Static Age” album at his local record store. “As conservatives, we take babies very seriously. From nine months before they are born to a few days after, we care deeply about their well-being. After that, they can die of malnutrition or whatever the poors pass away from. That being said, I do quite enjoy that Misfits’ song ‘Bullet’ since I assume it’s pro-Second Amendment.”
Songwriter Glenn Danzig wished more organizations understood that his lyrics aren’t meant to be taken literally.
“You write one song about ending the life of an infant and suddenly everyone has follow-up questions,” said Danzig. “In fact, PETA’s been up my ass for decades about my portrayals of werewolves, hellhounds, and jackals in my lyrical content. They wanted me to tone down the flesh-eating, neck-tearing, and face-gorging, as they claimed werewolves aren’t as murderous as they’re made out to be and are probably more misunderstood if anything. Regardless, I don’t condone killing a baby but I’m totally for singing about in an arena every few months.”
Experts noted that conservatives often have a difficult time understanding messages in horror punk songs.
“Republicans primarily listen to country music where the lyrics are meant to be taken at face value and nothing more. Lyrics from more imagination-based genres are completely lost on them,” said music critic Gene Felder. “For instance, they claimed the Misfits’ song ‘She’ was pushing the pronoun agenda. They also believe the lyrics to ‘I Turned Into a Martian’ was evidence that reptilian lizard people exist. They also pointed to the chorus of ‘Skulls’ as proof that liberals dig up corpses to add to their cranium collections. We all know Democrats don’t do that. Libertarians do. Regardless, conservatives have absolutely no sense of music literacy.”
At press time, Misfits fans were stunned that Republicans didn’t seem to have a problem at all with the rape part of the “Last Caress” lyrics.
Opinion: On the Whole, I Think “Vulgar Display of Power” Is More Consistent Than “Cowboys From Hell” and Also Thank You President Trump for the January 6th Pardon
By Let me make one thing perfectly clear right off the bat: I love Pantera. Their particular brand of in-your-face, street-wise heavy metal served me well through all the highs and lows of my life, from the time I finally passed 11th grade to the time I was arrested for seditious conspiracy, criminal trespassing, and assault on a Capitol police officer. So please don’t take this as an attack on “Cowboys from Hell,” because I absolutely love that album. On the whole, I just think “Vulgar Display of Power” is more consistent, and also I’d like to take this opportunity to thank President Trump for the January 6th pardon.
On “Vulgar Display of Power” we see a maturation in musicianship that shows itself in the performance of every member. Take “Fucking Hostile” for instance. It has a fury not seen anywhere on “Cowboys from Hell,” or, for that matter, Nancy Pelosi’s office before I broke in and took a shit in her wastepaper basket four years ago. There’s not a song on “Cowboys from Hell” that comes anywhere close to matching this type of aggression, which is an aggression that fueled my ascent up those Capitol stairs even though I hadn’t experienced any physical exertion for decades at that point.
Pantera is known as a violent band, and where did this violence originate? Certainly not with “Cowboys from Hell” which, while an outstanding album in its own right, is too mired in old-school thrash with just a hint of the good-time glam of the band’s old image for it to be the go-to album that demonstrates their sound. It’s not until “Vulgar Display of Power” that we hear that true Pantera sound that would show itself in later releases, particularly their stellar follow-up “Far Beyond Driven.” Even the album art, which looks eerily similar to the right hook I laid on the face of that cop who tried to wrench the can of bear mace out of my hands, is more fierce and unrelenting than that on “Cowboys from Hell.”
Pantera, much like myself and my proud patriot brothers who stormed the Capitol that day, has been unduly maligned in recent years. A Confederate flag in a promo shot and a few minor, verbal slipups from Phil Anselmo about white pride, and all of a sudden they’re the bad guys. Well, I think that’s a bunch of beans. I saw numerous upstanding citizens holding Confederate flags in our nation’s capital that day, and they loved their country as much as anyone brandishing a traitorous symbol while disrupting a congressional proceeding at the whims of an aloof billionaire from Queens possibly could.
I’ll close this out, appropriately enough, by touching on the album’s beautifully sonorous closer “Hollow.” Its somber tones were a perfect soundtrack to the regret I felt in the days after the insurrection; a regret that I’ve since learned was entirely misplaced after President Trump issued his sweeping pardons, thus validating my actions that day and emboldening me to continue this behavior going forward. It’s rare that such a tough, no-bullshit president can demonstrate such magnanimity towards his country, just as it’s rare that a band can concurrently be so aggressive and so melodious, and I’ll forever be grateful to both my favorite band and my favorite president for helping me see this.
MAGA Influencer Volunteers to Spend Two Months In El Salvadoran Mega-Prison to Prove It’s Not So Bad
By JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Popular conservative influencer Jake Fowler intends to “own the libs” by spending two months in a notorious El Salvadoran prison to prove it’s not as bad as media outlets report, concerned sources confirmed.
“What’s up truth seekers, American patriots, and members of the Free-Thinkers Republic, I’m about to head to CECOT for a few weeks of rest and relaxation. A little social media detox where I get free meals and a haircut, it doesn’t get much better than that,” said Fowler in the last video he uploaded to YouTube. “I’ve seen too many lies about how El Savador’s prisons are inhumane, and how President Trump’s deportations are crimes against humanity. I’m going to show everyone that going to prison in El Salvador is no different than staying at a Best Western. I’ll talk to you again in eight weeks, unless I’m having so much fun I decide to extend my stay.”
Fowler’s family lawyer Robert Bagley says he has had little contact with his client since he entered the facility.
“Mr. Fowler has been inside the prison for just about two days now. I’ve had one five-minute conversation with him and he seemed slightly distressed. In the interest of full transparency, he was crying the entire time we talked. He informed me that he was beaten by masked guards and was given a series of electric shocks for bleeding too much,” said Bagley. “Other than that he seemed to be in good spirits. He’s excited to get back home and give his followers a full breakdown of his time spent in the prison. The one hiccup is that I’m not sure they actually plan on releasing him, and I’m working with the Justice Department to secure his return to the States, but they said that matter is ‘Extremely low priority.’”
El Salvador President Nayib Bukele welcomed more Americans and people from around the world to stay at his prison.
“I’ve created the best prison system in the world and it’s made my country so much safer. We are willing to take felons from across the world and stuff them in cells for a price, we will even take people who haven’t committed crimes, we don’t discriminate when the price is right. Our guards are the most blood thirsty men I could find and their fists are primed to knock out some teeth,” said President Bukele. “I want to thank President Trump for being so indiscriminate with the people he sends us, and my promise to the American people is you will never hear from anyone shipped here again.”
At press time, Fowler was presumed dead and buried in one of the countless mass graves outside of the facility.
YouTube Unveils Groundbreaking New “Trickle Down” Engagement System
BY Corey Arder
SAN BRUNO, Calif. — Content creators across the world released a deluge of reaction videos in-response to the new YouTube policy unveiled at Content Con 2025 dubbed Trickle Down Engagement.
“We’re so thrilled with this idea, rescued from our wondrous, wise past: St. Reagan himself blessed this land with instant economic prosperity! And now: we bring that infallible system to the Information Superhighway!” YouTube CEO Neal Mohan proudly announced. “True American patriots understand: America’s best ideas are behind HIM, and the only true innovation comes from looking back, never forward!”
YouTube star and pro-wrestling darling Logan Paul took a break from lobbying to make microplastics a basic food group to voice his unequivocal support of the new system.
“It’s lit, fab, boughie, and TOIGHT! Finally, I can save asking followers to LIKE COMMENT AND SMASH THAT SUB BUTTON, BITCHASS! cause I won’t have to! But you know, it’s not about me or likes, it’s all about you, the Paul Patrol! Support our Troops. Blue Lives Matter. Presented by Bloo Choo Train and Cheapass Razor Club!”
Other creators weren’t as happy. Phailing Downwards, a modest channel with a decent following, posted in his Community tab:
“This literally makes no sense. Any likes or subs I get just don’t count toward my income or channel’s algorithm, and go randomly to someone already more successful than me? And then THEY have to pay ME to keep my channel going? What kind of dumbass, bucket of crabs rubes would vote for this in overwhelming numbers?”
At press time, 87% of creators had left the platform, and channels that illegally repost porn with the nipples removed via AI scrubbing rushed to fill the void, now making up the top 26% of channels, collapsing the entire economy of the platform, and funnelling billions in revenue to a combination of Russian and Chinese data farms.
5 Gamers Dead After Attempting The Death Stranding Challenge: Climbing Up A Steep Hill
BY AKUREYRI, ICELAND — Icelandic authorities report 5 dead of exhaustion and dehydration after trying to hike the hilltop of Ytri-súla. All 5 were American tourists taking a hiking trip who were inspired by Death Stranding according to their Discord chat history.
At the request of their families, their real names have not been disclosed, but we have received permission to report their Discord usernames: The_Sockstuffer, i need a goth mother, Jilk (stylized in a unique font), RIP_T’Challa, and Bridges2bridges. The victims ranged in age from 21 to 32
“I told him it was a terrible idea,” stated Jilk’s sister. “He has never shown any knowledge of hiking. You can’t just decide to walk up a hill without expecting serious risks. Honestly, he was better off snorting cocaine than attempting any form of exercise. He gets out of his chair twice a day max. For god sake he keeps a urine bottle under his desk so he doesn’t even have to leave his computer to go to the bathroom.”
Emil Andersson, an Icelandic physician reviewing the case, expressed concern over the influence of video games on real-world decision-making.
“I do not understand why gamers think they could hike our hills. It’s very irresponsible for these games to normalize this kind of behavior because it leads to real world hiking. Just because you can do it in a game, doesn’t mean it’s possible in real life. I think that is the real danger of video games. It creates this expectation for people to think they could do the impossible. Relatively speaking of course. These impressionable American gamers need to go back to their shooting games.”
Since this incident, many countries with highly popular hiking and mountain climbing spots have put up updated warning signs for anyone planning on accomplishing the same feat. Grand Canyon officials have stated that they will be checking everyone’s play time averages from steam before allowing people to enter the canyon itself. Mount Kilimanjaro officials will fine those that have even touched a video game in the last 3 years if found climbing the mountain. Everest Sherpas have installed signs at the base of the summit that read, “Don’t Even Think About It” in perfect English.
At press time, a digital ceremony is to be held on the Death Stranding discord. It is unknown if Kojima Productions plans to include easter eggs in the sequel for these victims.
