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Hard Digest April 24: Early Access Settling, Kid Rock, Anthrax, and More
🕑 Added 2025-04-25 00:00:25 +0000 UTCReport: Woman Shows Early Signs of Settling
By MJ Elliott
BALTIMORE — A new report issued by John Hopkins University revealed local woman Cassie Maloney is showing early signs of settling for a partner that does not even come close to meeting her expectations, confirmed horrified sources.
“All of our evidence points to Cassie living below her relationship means earlier than is typical,” said researcher Abby Gomes. “She’s been demonstrating unsettling signs too. For instance, she simply wants someone who will ask her how her day went, but she seems to have settled for a guy who would rather give a 45-minute rundown of the latest Joe Rogan podcast episode, even though he ‘only listens to him for the guests.’ It’s one thing if this is occurring 20 years into the relationship, but we have observed this happen on their third overall date. And yet she hasn’t ghosted him yet nor posted a six-minute exposé about the atrocious dates on TikTok. Troubling behavior.”
Maloney seemed to have no shame in settling.
“Sure, my wants, needs, expectations, sexual urges, and deepest desires aren’t being fulfilled, but it’s nice to have someone to talk to, even though he does most of the talking and it’s about his crypto investments,” said Gomes. “Hey, it could be worse. I could be in one of those loveless marriages for decades. At least Kevin and I have a few things in common, like we both enjoy watching ‘White Lotus.’ Well, I mean, I do while he stares at his phone the whole time and occasionally asks me what’s going on. It may not be perfect, but it’s conveniently adequate.”
Relationship experts didn’t think settling was so bad in the modern dating world.
“There are some unique benefits to settling, especially so early,” said psychologist Faye Dunning. “For example, you no longer have to go through a rigorous dating process. Just pick a partner and roll with that until it overstays its welcome five years longer than it should. Also, at one point you’ll have dual incomes which should be almost enough to afford rent and maybe even some groceries. And finally, if you value alone time, you’ll surely have a lot of that since even being around this person will make you feel completely alone in this world. Such a relief.”
At press time, Maloney revealed that she was breaking up with her partner, claiming that she can surely “settle for someone slightly better.”
We Look Back on Kid Rock’s Performance at the 1999 VMAs Because It’s Been Added to Our Kids’ Music Curriculum
By We remember elementary school music class as a really informative and interactive experience where we learned the basics of sheet music and how different instruments worked. For some of us, it even initiated a love of music that ultimately culminated in writing for a punk news website. Fast forward 30 years or so, and it seems our nation’s approach to introductory music education has changed pretty drastically.
It was concerning, to say the least, when we found out the entirety of our kids’ music literacy class was comprised of a Kid Rock live performance, but we figured we might as well twist an article out of the report they have to do. Apparently the Missouri Department of Elementary and Secondary Education now considers a thorough knowledge of Kid Rock’s live collaboration with Run DMC and Aerosmith to show sufficient understanding of the concepts of rhythm, pitch and harmony. By no means are we Berklee graduates ourselves, but this really doesn’t seem right. Nonetheless, here’s our rundown of the performance.
So Kid Rock starts the performance with a little rap alongside Joe C., whom we had completely forgotten up until now, but RIP nonetheless. So Joe C. then introduces Run DMC, and we’re sorry, why are we doing this again? Oh right, we’re just piggybacking on our kids’ report so we can knock out an article. Yeah, we’re still not getting what’s so educational about this, but whatever.
So Run DMC comes out, which is cool. We’re not sure why they decided to do a performance with Kid Rock, but they probably made some decent money out of it. Still, we hope they wouldn’t have done this had they known how much of a pathetic MAGA chud he would turn out to be, but we digress. So, they rap for a little bit over Kid Rock’s backing band, which we get. It was 1999, after all, and that style was all the rage. Then Kid Rock comes back out on a literal red carpet and goes into the opening of “Bawitaba,” and Jesus Christ, how did the Missouri State Board of Education approve this?
We know it’s Trump’s second term and our country is hopelessly and irrevocably fucked, but this still seems like a stretch. Anyway, “Bawitaba” is just the stupidest fucking song we’ve ever heard, and we’ve given our kids carte blanche to write that in their reports if they so desire.
Ugh, here comes Aerosmith, as if this couldn’t get any dumber. So Joe Perry, Steven Tyler, and Steven Tyler’s mouth all walk to the stage and everyone sings “Walk This Way” as if the world needed to hear that again. At least it wasn’t that putrid Armageddon song we all got beaten over the head with in the late 90s, but we’re just grasping at straws for things to be thankful for at this point. Anyway, the performance then comes to a merciful close.
Inconsiderate Grandmother Has Funeral on Same Day as Anthrax Concert
By ANAHEIM, Calif. — Recently deceased grandmother of six Dorothy Roddenbury selfishly had a funeral on the same day Anthrax was scheduled to play at City National Grove of Anaheim, disgruntled sources report.
“Ugh, this is just like her,” grandson Jason Roth complained. “I’ve been looking forward to this show for the past year, and now I have to miss it. The funeral ends at 8 tonight, so it’s entirely possible for me to still make the show, but my mom refused to drive me because it would be inappropriate. I’ve been dreading this happening ever since Nana Dorothy got sick a couple months ago, and it’s so selfish of her to not have held out for one more week so I could finally mosh to ‘Efilnikufesin.’ She was always going on about how much she loved her grandkids, but I see now that that was a bunch of bullshit.”
Anthrax guitarist Scott Ian reacted to his fan’s plight.
“Wow, that’s really messed up,” Ian said. “My grandmother never would’ve done something like that to me. She actually took herself off life support when I was 15 to make sure she died a month before a Rainbow show in New York City. It’s the job of grandparents to make sure their grandkids never miss the opportunity to thrash. If I were this kid, I’d skip the funeral and come out to our show instead. His parents will probably be pissed, but fuck it. We don’t come out to Anaheim all the time, so it’ll be worth getting grounded.”
The ghost of Roddenbury appeared contrite after having been summoned through a seance for her input.
“I really thought I could hold on for a little bit more,” Roddenbury confessed through a hired medium. “I know how excited my poor Jason was for his rock concert, and I feel awful that I ruined it. Preventing my grandson from seeing an evil heavy metal band is actually what got me into Heaven, but it’s really not worth it. I would’ve gladly endured the eternal flames of Hell if it meant I could’ve made my handsome little angel happy for one night. If you see him, can you tell him his Nana Dotty is sorry and will always love him?”
At press time, Roth was further aggravated when his father inconsiderately had an open-heart surgery scheduled on the same day as an upcoming Megadeth concert.
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