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Hard Digest May 4: Early Access Parking, Masculinity, Cinco De Mayo, and More
🕑 Added 2025-05-05 00:00:04 +0000 UTCGuy Listens To Entire Genesis Catalog While Waiting for Opportunity to Back Out of Trader Joe’s Parking Spot
By SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. — Local man Travis Anders recently listened to all 15 Genesis albums while waiting for a chance to back out of his parking spot at Trader Joe’s, fellow shoppers reported.
“When I got to my car it was classic TJ’s parking lot gridlock so I put on the Genesis debut and went to work on a bag of strawberry popcorn,” Anders recounted with the corners of his mouth still caked in congealed pink flavor dust. “I never intended to go deep in the catalog but after the proto-prog triptych of ‘Trespass,’ ‘Nursery Cryme,’ and ‘Foxtrot’ I was still boxed in and figured I’d dig into some tuna-cheddar cashews and fire up ‘Selling England by the Pound.’ I finally had a window of escape but a Cybertruck hit a shopping cart and burst into flames so I settled in for the hyper-concept ‘Lamb Lies Down on Broadway’ through synth-rock smash ‘Invisible Touch.’ Once the store closed I ended up spinning the final two albums while some teenage employees partied on the hood of my car not realizing I was in it.”
Resident Trader Joe’s parking lot busker Rusty Fitzgerald listened along to the whole thing from a nearby mulch bed.
“Hearing the complete works really highlights how Genesis was a constantly evolving force of creativity and innovation, kind of like the Trader Joe’s snack lab,” Fitzgerald mused while dipping jalapeño banana chips in butterscotch ricotta. “Peter Gabriel and Steve Hackett’s departures were like Trader Joe’s pulling Chocolate Chip Sandwich Cookies from the shelves; it left a huge void in a classic lineup. Phil Collins taking the lead of the remaining trio felt like the music version of a wasabi pea covered in shredded coconut; nobody asked for it but there’s a subtle complexity. In the same way you’ll try a snack and say, ‘whoa- these are Trader Joe’s?!’ you’ll hear a song and say, ‘whoa- this is Genesis?!’”
Trader Joe’s manager Fran Dunbar pointed out that customers going through discographies in the parking lot is quite common.
“Many people are more comfortable sitting alone in a Trader Joe’s parking spot than they are being at home,” Dunbar explained while doctoring expiration dates. “Once a week I see someone with their seat all the way back and an icepack on their head listening to the full Rolling Stones or Bruce Springsteen or live Grateful Dead library. It’s one of the last places people can still go just to think. One guy hasn’t moved in months; he’s working through the Ty Segall collection but every time he finishes one album three more have come out.”
At press time, Anders was consulting with MIT professors to guide him out of a diagonal spot he’d foolishly backed into.
Masculinity Win! An Influencer Said I Wasn’t a Real Man, so I Started Doing Everything He Said
By Dan Rice
Throughout my life, I had always felt completely secure in my masculinity. Then, the unthinkable happened — an alpha male lifestyle influencer on TikTok challenged it by implying people like me weren’t man-ing hard enough. I was devastated.
A deeper dive into @ArtOfTheAlpha’s socials revealed further blows to my ego. I didn’t have any children at 30. I had a cortisol belly. I didn’t even smoke cigars, bro. It seemed the state of my man-card was in jeopardy. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
A weaker man would have admitted defeat, but not me. I was going to prove this stranger on the internet wrong by doing everything he said to do for the rest of my life.
By making him my daddy and doing everything he tells me to do, I’ve beaten @ArtOfTheAlpha at his own game. Now I’m a man’s-man who changes his entire lifestyle the second an ill-informed gym rat gives him unsolicited advice on the internet instead of going to therapy. By following the code of someone I’ve never met who seems kind of buff and mean, I’ve become my own man:
ALL MEAT DIET: Fruits and vegetables are a slippery slope that lead to sissification and cuckholding. By the fourth week, I didn’t even miss shitting and the diverticulitis makes me feel like more of a man.
NEUTROPICS: It used to take me hours to finish the NYT crossword puzzle. Now, I don’t do the NYT crossword puzzle because I know it’s full of liberal Satanist propaganda.
PROCREATE: According to the Bible, it’s the only reason to have sex in the first place. Oh, the bible is super important by the way, but don’t read it, reading is feminine.
HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH WOMEN OUTSIDE OF PROCREATION: Are you a heterosexual man in a relationship with a woman who loves and supports you? Have fun with that BETA! Associating with women can infect a male with feminine energy. I only associate with other alphas now because iron sharpens iron. Cuddling, going on dates, and paying child support are all traps to turn you gay.
EMPATHY = DISEASE: Have you ever wronged someone and felt bad about it? Congratulations, you’re host to the woke mind virus! Every parent, teacher and mentor who ever told you to be a good person growing up was paid to do so by George Soros.
NEVER NUT: Semen retention is crucial. Semen is pure masculinity, it makes us strong. The least gay thing you can possibly do is worship semen.
My so-called friends have all begged me to abandon the way of the alpha. They tell me things like how I should be comfortable with who I am, that I shouldn’t feel insecure because of some right-wing influencer, that @ArtOfTheAlpha is either satire or an attempt at forming a cult and I am the dumbest person alive. In other words, they’re all a bunch of weak-ass beta CUCKS. How else do you explain why they all have extremely attractive wives while I remain so very, very alone despite maximizing my gains?
Trump Debuts Previously Undiscovered Way to Pronounce “Cinco De Mayo”
By WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump debuted a completely new pronunciation of the holiday “Cinco De Mayo” while addressing local reporters at the White House today, confirmed several journalists struggling to spell it out phonetically for their news outlets.
“It started out like most other comments from the president, going over what internet celebrity he’s beefing with and expressing interest in hearing from people who died decades ago. And then it happened,” said reporter Noelle Dean. “Usually the room is buzzing with reporters shouting questions. But everything stopped. There was an uncharacteristic silence in the room. Not because we were shocked, we just weren’t sure what he was talking about. Also because he said it in a way that sounded like he was soft launching a new racial slur to his base.”
President Trump didn’t even seem to notice that he mispronounced the name of the annual celebration.
“You know, Mexicans, they’re great people. Well, some of them are not so great,” said President Trump. “That’s why the wall is so important. And China, they know about walls. Trust me, you do not want to be in China, people. They will lock you in a room for eating pizza, it’s true. Nasty place. Except that Wang Chung. Incredible singer, huge talent. But the food. That’s why I trust Taco Bell. You never go wrong with a Chalupa on May 5th, or as I like to call it, Shinko del Maiypo [sic].”
Marian Di Stefano, a linguistics expert specializing in presidential vernacular, offered her insights.
“This is a pretty typical Trumpism. Instinct would lead you to believe he would pronounce it as whitely as humanly possible, but people underestimate how much this man loves attempting to sound ethnic,” said Di Stefano. “Of course he gets it completely wrong and that is why we end up with such novel pronunciations. That’s how we got him saying Puerto Rico with like five h’s. It’s not that he can’t hear the way things come out, which is an issue for many people who mispronounce things. It’s more a complete lack of awareness of reality.”
At press time, there were whispers that President Trump will soon release a new pronunciation of Flag Day.
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