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Hard Digest May 19: Biden's Cancer, Early Access Garage Sales, Financial Disasters, Dog Owners, and More
🕑 Added 2025-05-20 00:00:06 +0000 UTCIsraeli Doctors Suggest Treating Biden’s Cancer With Indiscriminate Bombing, Followed by Starvation
By GREENVILLE, Del. — Top doctors from all over Israel travelled to the United States to prepare a course of action to treat former President Biden’s prostate cancer, which will involve heavy bombing followed by a starvation campaign, sources confirmed.
“Joe Biden is revered in Israel for all he did during his presidency to make sure our country was armed with the most technologically advanced weapons of warfare the world has ever seen. We want to pay him back by helping treat this cancer and getting him back on his feet,” said Dr. Eitan Peretz. “The best course of action against something as evil as cancer is to bomb it out. Surgery is no longer a viable option, it’s too diplomatic, and the cancer could be allowed to regroup and come back stronger than ever. We have new bomb technology that could level President Biden’s cancer to dust. After that aggressive treatment, it’s best to starve him entirely. We won’t allow him to have food or clean water for months, it’s the only way to guarantee the problem is eradicated for good.”
Top Democrats in the Senate were excited to see President Biden working so closely with Israeli doctors.
“Israel has the best healthcare system in the world, all paid for by generous American taxpayers. He really is in great hands, if Israel is half as good at keeping people alive as they are at killing people in Gaza then President Biden could live another 30 years. And we really need him in 2028,” said Senator Cory Booker (D-N.J.). “Because these doctors are being so generous with their time, I’m going to introduce a new funding bill that will give Israel carte blanche when it comes to weapons systems. It’s literally the least we can do to help our allies.”
Former President Biden remains optimistic about the future despite being informed that the cancer metastasized in his bones.
“Listen Jack, I’ve taken down bigger thugs than prostate cancer. I remember back when I was a teenager I used to go to this swimming pool and there was this guy there, everyone called him Smooth Tony, he was really Italian, you knew it because how greasy he was. Anyway, Smooth Tony challenged me to a drag race, and my car had never been beaten,” said Biden, trying not to nod off. “Where was I? So I said to the guy running the soda jerk that I’m not one to be trifled with. He ended up giving me an entire glazed ham. I loved that ham. I married that ham. Can someone turn the sun back on? I’m freezing my ass off here.”
At press time, the official White House doctor claimed President Trump is so physically fit that cancer cells are afraid to infect him.
Merch Table Looks Suspiciously Like Garage Sale
By WAUSAU, Wis. — The products for sale at local thrash metal band Hellhund’s merch table reportedly looked more like a garage sale, confirmed sources currently checking out a 15-year-old silverware set.
“The band was okay, I guess, but what really caught my eye was the variety at their merch table,” reported concertgoer Jim Letter before asking the price of a bowling pin table lamp he was interested in. “Usually it’s some crappy printed t-shirt that doesn’t fit right, or a beer koozie. These guys are way ahead of their time, even for a bargain bandit like me. I managed to snag a gently used elliptical and even some yarn for my wife. Everything was so affordable that I even have enough money leftover to buy a $14 beer.”
Hellhund admitted that they financially struggled before diversifying their merch table.
“We weren’t making much money from our shows so our manager, my mom, came up with the revolutionary idea of selling some of our old stuff. So far it’s been a hit,” detailed drummer Roy Evans. “Now we’re packing the bars for our shows, the crowd loves us and people are moshing in the pit with antique vases. It’s so metal. I just hope my grandma doesn’t show up to our shows and see her jewelry for sale.”
Veteran band King Sludge’s merch guy Sean Callahan was clearly jealous of Hellhund’s popularity.
“I don’t really get how they’re selling so much merchandise,” Callahan explained. “Their line is always filled after the show despite us being the headliners. King Sludge has been filling this place for years, our sound blows people away, and our logo is way cooler, so I don’t understand. We’ve got shirts for $69.99, key chains for $35.99, and one of a kind pins for $45 apiece. What do they have, some hand painted mugs? They’ve never even been cheered on enough for an encore. It seems like the crowd can’t wait for the concert to be over. Wait a minute, is that our singer leaving their table and why does he have a patio set?”
As of writing, Hellhund is currently unloading their U-Haul rental and making plans to hire a moving company to focus on their next single, “Thrift to Thrill.”
Wanna Feel Old? This Is the Second Financial Disaster of My Adulthood
By Amir Adan
Are you ready to feel the effects of aging at a natural rate? Well, get a load of this. This is currently the second financial crisis of my adulthood. Top that, kids.
And yet I’m already nostalgic for a simpler time when the Obama-based government was bailing out AIG for a collective $182 billion, unemployment was at 10%, and I could express my frustration for being poor through a well-timed meme on Tumblr. Can you believe that was only 15 years ago? We didn’t know how good we had it.
The S&P plummeted by 58%, three million households were foreclosed on, and everyone was getting a mustache tattooed on their index fingers. They were cataclysmic times. But we got through it together.
Now we have this whole new financial disaster to deal with, but I assure you youngins’ that this one is not nearly as cool as the previous one. Back then, we could all get hammered and play flip cup. Sobriety hadn’t been invented yet, and a little-known benefit of alcohol is that it makes you temporarily forget about how broke you are.
Since this isn’t my first financial crisis rodeo, I can impart some wisdom on you recession virgins. First up, you’ll want to get a second and third job. This will diversify your exhaustion. But hey, at least you’ll have more than one income stream. Who knows? Maybe one of them will be enough to live on. But if I’ve learned anything about existence, it won’t.
It all feels like only yesterday that the last economic 9/11 happened. Time sure does fly between financial disasters. At this rate, I’ll have to endure another four or five more, but at least in the end I’ll get to die. Thankfully, there is no NASDAQ in the afterlife.
New Los Angeles Law Requires You to Ask Dog Owners Their Name Too
By LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Superior Court ruled on Monday that all interactions with strangers’ dogs will require at least a minimal introduction to the owners themselves, after several complaints across the city, confirmed sources.
“It’s like everyone’s lost common decency. The yuppie transplants in my neighborhood only interact with me when I’m walking my 19-year-old pug, Oswalt. They all live in these ugly, sterile apartment buildings that look like Kaiser Permanente medical offices—the least they could do is memorize my name,” said 52-year-old former shoegaze guitarist turned inheritor Mitch Petri of Eagle Rock. “All I want is some recognition that I own a dog. Also some friends would be nice. That said, I can’t wait to call the cops the next time someone doesn’t make direct eye contact with me while petting my dog.”
While the law may be a win for some, other Angelenos lament the change as an unwelcome adjustment to their lifestyle.
“We’ve always just referred to our neighbor as ‘Mochi and Miso’s Mom.’ We never even thought to learn her name when she first moved in across the street. I guess now we have to or else we’ll be literal outlaws,” said 66-year-old retiree Dana Porty of Culver City. “The real victim here is our maltipoo, Sheeba. Sheeba slowly wags her little tail each time we reference ‘Mochi and Miso’s Mom’ out of context. I guess she’ll learn the hard way about the American justice system.”
Dr. Erica Curtis-Tanaka, a sociologist from Mar Vista who currently works as a consultant for Hinge, advocated for this law.
“Many people blame the pandemic for the difficulty making friends in Los Angeles. The truth is, the current climate of social alienation began with the increase of social media and doggo memes,” said Dr. Curtis-Tanaka. “Over 50% of profiles surveyed on the major dating apps included some reference to dogs, and of that 50%, at least 75% included quotes along the lines of, ‘I would rather date your dog than you,’ and, ‘At the party, I ignore everyone but the dog.’ While that may seem lighthearted enough, a 2024 CityData survey discovered the number of missing dog signs across the city was over five times greater than missing children. The new law will force people to rehumanize each other.”
At press time, no local law enforcement officials have expressed confidence in how to enforce this new law.
ICE Agent Unlocks Golden Neck Gaiter After 100th Kidnapping
BY Kyle Duggan
PLANO, Texas — A recently deputized agent for the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement has earned a flashy new accessory after completing 100 unconstitutional detainments since the beginning of the second Trump administration.
“I was beginning to think I would never unlock it,” said Connor Stevens, a former sheriff’s deputy. “All the guides online said you got it after 100, but a lot of the guys here said their friends got gold sunglasses after smashing 50 windows, so I thought maybe something got screwed up and I’d never get it. To be honest, I don’t even like how it looks, but I gotta wear it so everyone knows that I’m for real. They need to know how hard I’ve worked to get here.”
Some of Stevens’s fellow agents did not admire his achievement.
“Sure, if you grind all the easy kidnappings, you can get that tacky skin in no time,” said Greg Parker, who volunteers at a local militia. “Some of us only do the higher-tier illegal detentions—y’know, the ones that require tactics. I don’t want to just grab a guy off the street. That’s not intellectually stimulating. I want to threaten a woman’s granddaughter to bait her into a trap. I want to find crazy ways to interpret tattoos so that they ‘prove’ gang membership. Really, they should just discontinue the gold gear. Not only does it ruin entire missions by being incredibly conspicuous, it’s also incentivizing these no-talent prestige-farmers to only take the easy jobs. Queues for the good kidnappings have been insanely long.”
ICE Director Todd Lyons defended the rewards program.
“I want to be clear: these unlockables are purely aesthetic,” said Lyons. “They offer no advantages to the agents who have obtained them, and they’re not meant to create any kind of hierarchy. The intent is to provide agents with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different gear. Also, we’ve found that most of our agents are primarily motivated by dangling shiny objects in front of them. That, and a sociopathic need to inflict pain and trauma on vulnerable people who can’t reasonably fight back.”
At press time, Stevens had reportedly stopped wearing his gold gaiter, as it was incompatible with his newly purchased Homelander skin.
Sony Green Lights Movie About Microsoft 95’s 3D Pipes Screen Saver
BY Ben Friedman
LOS ANGELES — Sony Pictures Entertainment released their slate of upcoming films for 2026, spearheaded by a feature length adaptation of Windows 95’s 3D pipes screensaver, studio reps have confirmed.
“We really took a bath with all those Marvel projects, so for our next adaptation we wanted to pull from something universally appealing but still has enough depth to stretch out over 90 minutes. After six or seven focus groups, I’m proud to announce ‘Pipes! A ScreenSaver Story’ will be released on Christmas of next year,” said executive Jack Alexander. “This movie will have the calming nostalgia factor for older millennials, and second screen brain rot adjacent randomness for their kids. If there’s one thing I know, the audience will watch whatever we churn out even if it’s insultingly dumb. Plus we can advertise it as the world’s first procedurally generated movie! I need the marketing team to start designing pipe popcorn buckets immediately.”
The production team tasked with bringing the 3D pipes to the big screen acknowledged the challenges of adapting a beloved institution.
“Jack burst into our office three weeks ago and told us to make a movie about the screensaver pipes, and I thought he was just coming down from another coke bender until I saw the press release. So yeah, we’re trying to figure out how the fuck we’re supposed to make this work. Maybe the pipes are battling the 3D flower box screensaver, and the red pipe is voiced by Patrick Stewart? We’re still noodling the storyboard, but all we know for sure is that it’ll end with the pipes joining the other screensavers for the ‘Clippy Initiative’. How we get there is beyond me,” said producer Kevin Joyce. “The suits told us they’re pulling resources from Beyond the Spider-Verse and making this a top priority, so we need to pull out all the stops. I think we can tap Hans Zimmer for the score and throw in a brick maze screensaver easter egg, we might be able to make this work. However this turns out I know for a fact it’ll be a hit with those who drop acid at the movies and previously owned a Compaq Presario 633.”
As of press time, Alexander spent a late night drug binge greenlighting several more films based on 90’s PC software including a $300 million sci-fi action epic based on the 3D pinball game Space Cadet.
