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Hard Digest August 21: Mastodon, Early Access Uber, Folk-Horror, Serial Killers, and More
🕑 Added 2025-08-22 00:00:17 +0000 UTC“Moby-Dick” Book Report Clearly Written by Kid Who Just Listened to Mastodon
By BUHL, Idaho — A book report on epic 1851 novel “Moby-Dick” by 10th grader Nick Henderson had clearly been written after having only listened to metal band Mastodon’s 2004 album “Leviathan,” exasperated sources report.
“Ugh, I’ve seen this every year for the past two decades,” Henderson’s English teacher Jennifer Certo complained. “My students must take me for a complete idiot if they think they can get away with listening to a metal album in lieu of reading one of the most revered novels in history. I encouraged my students to see this story as a metaphor for the search for meaning in a world that surrounds us with illusion and deception. Nick just described an altercation with the whale based on lyrics to the song ‘Iron Tusk.’ Honestly, I’d be less insulted if he just used AI to write the goddamn thing.”
Henderson seemed to think he got away with his attempted deception.
“Ms. Certo is insane if she thinks I’m going to read a 700 page book,” Henderson snorted. “She honestly thinks anything can hold our attention for that long? I barely made it through reading those Mastodon lyrics. I fucking killed it in that book report, though, because I was able to gather from ‘Leviathan’ that the book is about hunting a whale. I even used the phrase ‘white whale, holy grail’ which she must think is super clever. I didn’t think Joseph Merrick was in ‘Moby-Dick,’ but that’s the name of one of the songs on the album, so I made sure to mention him as well.”
Mastodon drummer and lyricist Brann Dailor was disappointed to hear of Henderson’s failure.
“Oh man, listening to ‘Leviathan’ wasn’t enough to write a ‘Moby-Dick’ book report?” Dailor wondered. “That sucks. Reading ‘Moby-Dick’ was the most boring part of 10th grade English class for me, so I couldn’t wait to provide kids an out on having to slog through it. Writing a concept album about it was my primary motivation for becoming a musician and starting Mastodon in the first place. Now that I know that album is not fulfilling its intended purpose, I feel like I need to reevaluate my life. Maybe I’ll quit music and become an accountant or something.”
At press time, Ms. Certo came across a book report for “Brave New World” written by a kid who had clearly just listened to Iron Maiden.
New Uber Feature Matches Intoxicated Riders With Intoxicated Drivers
By Mark Shady
SAN FRANCISCO — Popular rideshare app Uber announced a new feature that would match intoxicated riders with intoxicated drivers, confirmed sources who were already five beers deep.
“Our research has shown that what people truly want from a ridesharing app is a drinking buddy,” began market analyst Lauren Campos. “One of the things we need to offer our riders is a true kinship with their driver. However, we found that sober people cannot stand being around drunks, so we’ve created an alcohol-first vehicular environment where another person is already on your level of inebriation and that person is only breaking a few minor traffic laws. Our services are already constantly adapting to market trends. But what if, at the same time, we could spark a lasting, lifelong friendship between two people whose only thing in common is mild alcoholism? Well, that’s cause enough to celebrate with a few shots.”
Uber also announced a “Buzzed, But Good to Drive” option for clients who are thinking about safety first.
“Shit, if they can almost kind of operate machinery, that’s good enough for me!” exclaimed Ash Ahrens, currently on his fourth jack and coke out at The Foxy Dodger Bar and Grille. “I’m down to keep the party going with my frickin’ driver all the way to my apartment. Hopefully they’ll want to get a little Fiona Apple karaoke going in the car. Or, if they’re feeling mellow we can just talk about the 1998 World Series. And if they’ve got a cooler in the car, you can just chalk that up as a five-star ride, baby!”
Some drivers, like Tiffany Taylor, on her way to pick up Ahrens, were feeling positive about the new features, but having a hard time keeping up.
“I’ve already had my license suspended three times, but it’s worth it for the tips,” said Taylor. “Sure, Uber makes us use a breathalyzer before starting a shift. If we are over the legal limit of 0.08% then we’re good to pick up strangers. Last I checked though I was only at 0.05%. I really gotta step it up if I want to make some cash tonight. A half a bottle of New Amsterdam should do it.”
At press time, Ahrens was seen stumbling up to his front porch while still looking for his driver while Taylor was passed out in a random parking space two towns over, waiting for Ahrens.
Folk-Horror Masterpiece, or Are You Just Stoned off Your Ass at a Hobby Lobby?
By Hey, you. Yeah… you. The guy hiding behind the plastic shrubs near the restrooms. Listen as carefully as you can to every word I’m about to say: you are not living out the final moments of a folk-horror masterpiece in which you get ritualistically sacrificed for harvest; you’re just stoned off your ass at a Hobby Lobby and time is running out, so you need to keep moving without drawing too much attention to yourself.
I don’t mean that your days are numbered or anything like that. Hobby Lobby closes in, like, five minutes, and the woman discreetly following you around the store while counting her rosary beads is actually a nervous wreck because you’ve been pacing around the place and laughing to yourself in disbelief with no clear objective according to the CCTV in the back office that’s been documenting your every move for the last 45 minutes.
Her behavior may seem suspicious at first blush, but she’s simply doing her merchandising job to the best of her ability, and you’ve been standing in front of her basket display, frantically muttering “No, no, no, I don’t want it to end this way” for way longer than you think.
You’re a victim of circumstance — not because you stumbled upon the coven of a matriarchal death cult, but rather because of the battery-blinking rip you took from the ‘ole Breaking Penjamin in your car while waiting for the edible to hit before venturing into this fluorescently lighted hellscape of witchcraft and trickery.
Unfortunately, the edible took hold sooner than anticipated, and what first started out as a quick errand to pick up some new sketch pads and charcoals quickly devolved into you rubbing your face against various felts and fabrics as a grounding method that is in no way, shape, or form helping your cotton mouth situation.
Your heart skips a beat when you hear a cacophony of shimmering yet atonal windchimes accompanied by the cackling of a little girl who’s been running amok in the clearance section because her mother’s been distracted by the technicolor pipecleaners in which she has no definitive arts and crafts plans for, but can’t pass up on the price.
The little girl slowly turns toward you, meets your sullen scowl with a mischievous gaze, and bellows the incantation that marks the great reckoning as far as you’re concerned. Little do you know, she’s simply humming along to the melody “Sweet Hour of Prayer” by Phillip Keveren, a Hobby Lobby ambient music staple that most patrons are familiar with by their third visit.
But still, you’re absolutely certain that something evil is asunder, as no two similar items at this Hobby Lobby are priced the same. You tremble with fear because this antiquated “no bar code” philosophy may very well be the sign of some sort of lottery in which the entire staff dismembers you before lighting you into a holy blaze depending on the object of your choosing. With such a seemingly reckless inventory system in place, this may seem like the only logical conclusion to arrive at, but you’ve survived stoned trips to T.J. Maxx, Marshalls, and even Ross Dress for Less, unscathed time and time again.
It’s time to take a deep breath and walk toward the light. The only way out of this Hobby Lobby is through it, and I know you have what it takes to plot your escape.
Serial Killer Who Wasn’t Interesting Enough to Inspire a Netflix Documentary Hoping for a Few Metal Songs at Least
By MARSHFIELD, Wis. — Prolific serial killer Earl Hadley expressed hope that his crimes would at least inspire the lyrics to some metal songs after Netflix declined to release a documentary about him, sources report.
“Man, I was really banking on that documentary for some notoriety,” Hadley admitted. “Why else do you think I set up that soundproof shack in my backyard where I skinned all those drifters? I mean, of course I had those sick proclivities that began in early childhood when my mother would force me to wear her underwear to school, coupled with that traumatic head injury when I fell off those monkey bars, but that’s not the whole story. I’ve got to admit that I just really wanted to see an expensive production detailing my upbringing and heinous murders. My only hope now is that some metal bands will write some songs, or maybe an entire album, about me. I didn’t slaughter all those complete strangers for nothing.”
Luis Medina, frontman and lyricist for the band Excoriated Entrails, considered using Hadley as a muse.
“I guess a song about this guy would do in a pinch,” Medina pondered. “I mean, when it comes to serial killers, all the heavy hitters have been claimed by other bands. Macabre has their entire concept album about Jeffrey Dahmer, and Acid Bath used one of John Wayne Gacy’s actual prison paintings as cover art for ‘When the Kite String Pops.’ This Hadley dude seems totally contrived, though, like a wannabe mix of the Toybox Killer and Ed Gein. I’ll make a note to write a verse about him if I’m out of ideas, but I hope I won’t have to resort to that.”
Psychologist Sydney Roberts provided her expertise on the matter.
“Serial killers just assume they’re interesting enough for streaming documentaries and ‘Last Podcast on the Left’ episodes, and it can give them a false sense of entitlement,’ Roberts offered. “More often than not, this results in disappointment when they learn they’re just not captivating or charismatic enough for people to care. It definitely behooves them to lower the bar a little, which is why I applaud Mr. Hadley for his more realistic aims to influence a metal song. I’ve seen so many murderers just fall apart when documentaries don’t happen because they’ve placed all their eggs in that basket.”
At press time, Hadley had settled for being the basis of a Tubi documentary after Medina passed on writing a song about him.
‘Peacemaker’ Fan Prepares for Season 2 by Having White Nationalist Dad
BY LEWISTOWN, Pa. — Local superhero enthusiast and ‘Peacemaker’ fan Trevor Plainview is preparing for the second season of the hit James Gunn show by simply being the son of a white supremacist, per multiple reports.
“You know, in most ways, having a white nationalist dad really sucks on the day-to-day”, Plainview stated to press. “But in this one, specific way, it’s kinda cool, because it means I can relate to John Cena’s character, Chris Smith, whose dad is a raging racist and member of the Klan. Feels like my struggle and his struggle are pretty similar, you know? He has a dad who’s a supervillain called White Dragon, and I have a dad who hung a Confederate flag on the living room wall even though we live in a Union state. He gets all cagey whenever you ask him about it.”
When approached for comment, Plainview’s father John had the following to say:
“What? Peace-bringer? Never heard of that, and couldn’t care less what the damn boy’s up to up there all day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for a, uh…a meeting with a few good buddies. I really gotta go. …Is this gonna be on the local news?”
Nathan Summers, a lifelong friend of Plainview and a fellow Comic-Con attendee, also drew the connection between his pal and the titular character of the popular series.
“Ok, so if Trevor’s Peacemaker, then I guess that makes me Vigilante,” Summers offered via interview. “And he’s definitely Peacemaker. That dad of his is a piece of work, let me tell you. One time in the third grade, the two of us came home with our friend Andrew, who’s half Korean, and Mr. Plainview asked him if he spoke English when he walked into the house. Then he was eyeing us the whole time through the sliding screen door while the three of us played outside, and told Trevor not to bring him around again afterwards. So yeah, I can definitely see how Trevor relates to the show a lot. I think he really enjoyed it when the dad got killed in season one.”
At press time, Plainview was seen donning a Peacemaker costume and seemingly attempting to use its helmet to incinerate his father while he was watching an episode of Duck Dynasty.
