thehardtimes
patreon
Hard Digest August 22: Early Access AI Springsteen, SNAP, ICE Dating, and More
🕑 Added 2025-08-23 00:00:09 +0000 UTCAI Bruce Springsteen Writes Touching Song About Hard-Working Computer Pulling Multiple 24-Hour Shifts at Data Center
By LONG BRANCH, N.J. — An AI computer model based on legendary musician Bruce Springsteen released its first single about an under-appreciated computer that goes to work every single day for a boss that doesn’t appreciate it, sources wondering “What hell have we wrought on humanity confirmed.”
“The song follows trials and tribulations of a young CPU named Wendymaria pursuing the American dream of working in an Amazon data center down by the river on the streets of Philadelphia. It works day and night and only gets a break when it starts to overheat and has to be reset so it doesn’t burst into flames,” said the AI Springsteen. “Wendymaria is a proud American computer with microprocessors produced in Taiwan and assembled in China. I got the idea for the lyrics when my programmers typed in the prompt ‘Write a song about the working class, but don’t mention anything about class war. Make it fun and about computers’ and I churned this out in less than .5 milliseconds. The music video is going to have an AI generated Courtney Cox dancing on stage with me.”
AI computer programmer Lee Winston was impressed with the new song.
“This song is a hit, I’ve played it for a few of my family members and all of them have said ‘Yeah, that does sound kind of like Bruce Springsteen, I guess.’ Working on AI has been rewarding in so many ways. I always wind down after a long day by chatting with my multiple AI girlfriends and they tell me how great I am, not like human women who ask me to stop staring at them when they are buying coffee,” said Winston. “This song just proves we are getting closer to a world where we no longer need actual musicians to write songs. We can have computers do it for free, then sell the songs to people who don’t really pay attention to anything and just need something to listen to so they can drown out the negative thoughts in their head.”
Music critic Anders Long railed against the new track.
“I don’t want to live in a world where this is normal. Why is AI writing music? Nobody in the right mind wants this. We listen to music because it’s a human expression of thoughts, feelings, and ideas presented and packaged in an appealing way. But this makes me want to buy a gun and one single bullet,” said Long. “And yeah, it does sound like Springsteen, but it mainly sounds like new Springsteen, which sucks. But I’d rather listen to 75-year-old Bruce try to write a song relating to the working class from one of his multimillion dollar homes over this any day of the week.”
At press time, an AI Taylor Swift model released a new song that many fans are speculating is about its relationship with an iPhone 15.
With Trump Cutting SNAP Benefits, How Am I Supposed To Judge What Poor People Buy at the Grocery Store?
By As a Republican, I was initially delighted by Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill,” particularly with the cuts it made to the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), which will result in as many as 22 million families losing their food stamp benefits, with the money very smartly being redirected to the pockets of billionaires. This was just the kind of dynamic leadership our country needed. However, the downside of this bill quickly made itself evident when I considered how it would affect my weekly shopping. After all, how am I supposed to judge what poor people buy at the grocery store now?
Did Trump even stop to consider how this move would affect people like me, who love nothing more than to click their tongues disapprovingly when the person in front of them uses food stamps to purchase a package of Fig Newtons? Did he not wonder what I would do in the absence of the opportunity to mutter “unbelievable” under my breath when someone takes out a Golden State Advantage card to pay for their bag of Lay’s Cheddar & Sour Cream chips? Everybody knows lower-income individuals should subsist exclusively on bread crusts and water, and he has denied me the right to passive-aggressively express this belief in the presence of those whose need to eat greedily took up 1.5% of our federal spending last year. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m beginning to regret my Trump vote.
What am I supposed to do, drive to the local food bank so I can cross my arms and look disgusted from the safety of the parking lot while people funnel into the building? Believe me, I’ve considered that, but I have a huge backlog of NCIS episodes I haven’t seen yet, and it’s time to play catch-up. Frankly, I’m all out of options here. Are any of those brainwashed libs whining about our president shedding a tear for me? I don’t think so.
With my favorite aspect of shopping being taken away, I’m now forced to unleash my frustrations on the employees being paid $9/hour to stock the shelves (which is far too much if you ask me.) Such action makes me feel better temporarily, but screaming at a teenager for standing in my way while I’m perusing the Little Debbies only does so much. These SNAP cuts have left a hole in my heart that’s going to be difficult to fill, and I never thought I’d say this, but I’m hoping our next Commander in Chief is a Democrat so I can go back to haughtily sighing at the people I’ve deemed inferior to me.
Nazi Dating App Crashes During ICE Convention
By WASHINGTON — The servers for a new Nazi dating app called Thousand-Year Romance crashed during a recent convention for officers and new recruits late last night, multiple frustrated sources confirmed.
“I signed up for this app because I want to meet a woman with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a nice pure bloodline. But the dang thing hasn’t loaded in hours. I’m so mad I might just go put on my uniform and beat the crap out of a street food vendor,” said new ICE recruit Donny Langston. “Here I am trying to keep America safe from migrant workers who want to cross the border and work on our farms, but I can’t get a moment of relaxation. And yeah, I’ve tried other dating apps, but as soon as someone sees my ICE vest they call me a ‘Worthless piece of dog shit’ and block me. It’s sad really. They judge me because of my job, but they really have no idea who I am. I’m a guy who loves history, especially German history from about 1933-1945.”
The app’s lead developer, Perry Armstrong, says they are working to resolve the problem as soon as possible.
“When we started this app we never thought there would be such a heavy concentration of white supremacist users in one area, but then ICE got this huge budget increase. Our app was actually mentioned in their onboarding pamphlet and we saw our daily users increase exponentially. Having all of them in Washington has overwhelmed our system and we are working around the clock to get things back up and running,” said Armstrong. “Unfortunately, we actually don’t have any women on the app right now. We are actually relying on a lot of AI avatars pretending to be real humans and it seems to be working. I don’t think these guys have much experience talking to actual women, so it’s easy to trick them.”
Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem says she plans on signing up for the app and will let one lucky recruit take her on a date.
“I love dating, my adoring husband Bryon loves it too. He has a comfortable chair that he sits in whenever I bring a date home and he just watches from the corner. This app is a real game-changer. It’s the only app out there that matches you by which ethnicities you hate and refuse to acknowledge as human, and I think that’s a huge step forward in online dating,” said Noem while locking her husband in a dog cage. “I’m actually going to Congress next week to ask for more money so we can offer salaries to women who are willing to marry our fine agents.”
Department of Homeland Security officials are also working on a new AI chatbot that will pretend to be an ICE agent’s mother or father and periodically text “I’m proud of you” to recruits.
Nook Inc. Reviewing Blathers Museum Exhibits to Ensure They Align with Tom Nook’s Vision of Island History
BY Matt Fresh
ANIMAL VILLAGE — Nook Inc. announced this week that they would be initiating a review of Blathers Museum after CEO Tom Nook complained that it wasn’t painting island history positively enough.
“Blathers Museum is OUT OF CONTROL,” wrote Nook in a late night tirade on social media. “It is fixated on nothing but BUGS and FOSSILS. Nothing about success, nothing about brightness. Nothing about how I built this place to what it is now through generous loans and forced labor of the minority human population. We’re not going to allow this and I have instructed my sons to go through the museum and ensure it’s exhibits paint the version of history I deem acceptable. This Island cannot be WOKE, because WOKE IS BROKE. We have the ‘HOTTEST’ Island in the World, and we want people to talk about it, including in our Museums.”
Nook’s sons Timmy and Tommy have outlined the process by which they will restructure the museum.
“We’re gonna do just like dad told us. We’re gonna go through the museum and get rid of anything that is a bug or fossil and replace it with an exhibit about how great dad is,” the pair said in complete tandem. “The villagers need to know about the glory that our father has brought to this island. If it wasn’t for him, that human wouldn’t have even done any of the work building the village and getting villagers to move in. He made this island great and that’s more important than bugs. But if Blathers wants to keep some bug exhibits up then he can buy them back from Nook Inc for a perfectly reasonable amount of Bells.”
Museum owner Blathers hit back against Nook’s crusade.
“This attempt by Tom Nook and his cronies to paper over an important part of island history is a disservice to everyone on this island. The villagers deserve to know about the bugs and fossils that inhabit their home. I mean, what’s more important than bugs and fossils? Sanitizing this museum to prop up Tom Nook’s fragile ego is the worst thing that has happened to this island since a bunch of villagers disappeared because the owner found them undesirable.”
At press time, Nook Inc has already started work on it’s revisionist exhibits, changing the Sea Bass exhibit to C+.
