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How Hoplite Saved Christmas
🕑 Added 2022-12-25 19:21:37 +0000 UTC
“There is no such thing as Santa, Lance.” Hoplite explained patiently, splashing his helmet with hot cocoa in an attempt to drink it “There has been no evidence of his existence.”
It was toasty in this cabin, a roaring fireplace serving to fight the bitter cold surrounding it. Even now the enemy snowflakes melted upon the warmed glass in an attempt to ruin the comfy atmosphere, truly something that would have been worse than even a Final Kind invasion force.
Lance rolled her eyes, turning her head from the Christmas tree to glare at Hoplite, who was sitting in an oversized comfy chair.
She adjusted her red santa hat and scoffed at his words before saying “You truly know nothing of how the world works. If Santa isn’t real, who leaves presents under the tree every year?”
Hoplite paused a moment, surprised at her words. Was it not Lance that laid the presents out every year beneath the tree? Was Hoplite… could he be wrong? No, it was impossible, no one could fit down that chimney, especially not a man of Santa Claus’s supposed jolly size. Yet… Lance had admitted that she herself was not the one who put the presents under the tree. As Hoplite pondered, he stroked the fake Santa beard glued to the faceplate of his helmet.
Lance could be lying… after all, she drank hot cocoa without marshmallows… truly that was a crime worthy of re-indoctrination, so lying about Chris Kringle being real was certainly not out of the realm of possibility for her.
“That was what I thought, now, we should really head to bed. Santa won’t arrive if we wait for him here.” Lance told him.
Hoplite narrowed his eyes “You’ll just wait for me to go to bed, then come out and put the presents under the tree yourself.” He told her accusingly.
Again, Lance rolled her eyes “Then stay awake with me-”
Before she could continue, the door burst open, the bitter cold flooding the cabin to reveal Michael standing in the doorway. He had gained a mutation while out in the field apparently, as his nose was now three times its normal size and glowing a shade of crimson. Not only that, reindeer horns were now sticking up from his temples!
“Sir!” Michael shouted quickly “We have a situation!”
“Close the door private!” Hoplite shouted as he moved to shelter the flame from the wind.
Michael did so and ran up to him, grasping his shoulder plate desperately “The Final Kind… they captured Santa Claus!”
Lance gasped and Hoplite turned his head, moving away from the flame to loom over Michael.
“There is no such thing as Santa, you’re delusional from the cold. Did you acquire the candycanes?” Hoplite asked, still somewhat irritated from the gust of cold air.
“No sir, the candy cane tree has been taken by Final Kind forces as well, I saw it all happen.” Michael said in a dead serious tone, his nose glowing brighter the longer he spoke.
“We’ll go and retrieve the candy cane tree, but there is no such thing as Santa Claus private, you were just seeing things.” Hoplite told him firmly.
Lance growled in irritation and stood up from her seat, her green eyes alight with Christmas rage “This is why you’ve only gotten coal every year Hoplite! You don’t believe!”
Hoplite merely shook his head, grabbing up his shotgun that was decorated with jingling bells.
“The objective is to locate the candy cane tree and eliminate any Final Kind forces in the area. I can’t have cocoa without a candy cane.” Hoplite said in a monotone, using his free hand to adjust his own Santa hat.
“How will we find the way there? There’s a blizzard out there if you haven’t noticed.” Lance told him, donning her black cloak with a shiver “And I will be looking for Santa, I’ve been on the nice list for two-hundred years straight, and I’m not breaking that streak by abandoning him to star-devils!
“Me neither, I ain’t leavin’ Santa to no Scrooge-ass aliens sir, sorry.” Michael told Hoplite, glaring with determination “I can get us through the storm, I have a very shiny nose… some would even say it glows.”
Hoplite sighed audibly, leave it to Michael and Lance to believe in something as foolish as Santa Claus. Saving the candy-cane tree was much more important than trying to find someone that didn’t exist. Really, it was absolutely ridiculous that Lance and Michael believed in something so childish as Santa Claus…
…
…
…
“And it is sure that this creature will be able to reveal the homes of every living being in the universe?” The Yugoro, Heedmeiser asked the tentacled swaglay as it tied the fat red human into their cruisers computers.
“Yes master.” It replied as Santa laughed.
Heedmeiser stared daggers at Santa. Laughing? How could anyone be capable of laughing after being captured by Heedmeiser, the destroyer of Christmas Cheer? Heedmeiser gripped the creature by the beard and drew it close, the wires connected to its body being pulled taut as the yugoro drew him closer.
“Ohohohoho, Heedmeiser, you’ve been very, VERY naughty this year… I think it’ll be coal again.”
Heedmeiser grit his teeth together and shoved Santa back into the receptacle. Fifty years of nothing but coal… all Heedmeiser had wanted as a young pup was a lego dragon-class cruiser… but what had he received? Nothing, nothing but coal.
Well… soon that wouldn’t matter anymore. Now that Santa was in Heedmeisers control, the Yugoro would be able to harness the creature’s power to locate sources of Christmas Cheer…
Then Heedmeiser would find the cheer, and snuff it out forever. After that, Santa would be utilized to locate other species in the galaxy, where they would be forced into compliance with the Final Kind.
With Heedmeiser in control of Santa Claus, Christmas would finally die.
…
…
…
“See, its right over there sir.” Michael whispered, using the glow of his nose to illuminate the landed Final Kind cruiser “The candy-cane tree is somewhere inside.”
“Copy that.” Hoplite said, standing from the snow “We need to get this done quickly. Stay behind me and pick off any hostiles that get too close. Lance, you will…” Hoplite almost groaned “You will try and locate Santa Clause. Stick to the vents.”
“Oh, like Diehard yeah?” Lance asked “Going through the vents on Christmas.”
Hoplite simply nodded. It was his favorite Christmas film.
Right after that, the three went to work. Michael began firing sharpened candy cane rounds at patrolling aliens. Lance rushed through the storm, disappearing as she approached the ship to pull a Diehard. Hoplite himself would be taking a much less… stealthy approach. He loaded his shotgun with specialized charcoal rounds, and began blasting his way through an army of aliens.
Body parts exploded into bright colorful confetti, some aliens turning into wrapped presents as the slugs impacted. During this time of year, shooting Final Kind with coal turned them into Christmas presents. This of course made more sense to Hoplite than Santa existing.
He breached the ship, laying into Final Kind forces with his coal-gun and turning them into fantastic presents for good boys and girls. Curious, Hoplite approached one of the presents and opened it to reveal…
A brand new ps5! Amazing, he could finally play Demon’s Souls remastered-
It was then that a Chrismas Scalper appeared from the vent below the present, dragging the ps5 to the overpriced pits in the bowels of the ship. Hoplite dreaded it, but he’d need to make a stop there to get it back…
“Sir! Lance is tellin’ me through… uh, like Christmas magic that she’s found Santa and the candy-cane tree, they’re in the cockpit.” Michael told him through the aforementioned Christmas magic.
“Copy that.” Hoplite replied, charging through the piles of confetti and presents before he finally came upon the cockpit.
Standing there, next to the candy-cane tree stood a gigantic Yugoro. And not just any Yugoro… but Heedmeiser himself, ruiner of Christmas Cheer across the galaxy. His fur was a bright red, his face almost like that of a resess macac (Idk how to spell that monkey name bruh lmao)
Even more surprising than Heedmeiser, was the jolly bearded man connected to computers next to him. Santa Clause himself. Hoplite nearly dropped his shotgun at seeing the myth come to life. The giver of coal and gifter of presents, Santa.
“Ah, a Hoplite.” The yugoro said in Jynesian “You surely have only received coal from Santa, what do you have to gain by saving him?”
“I’m here for the tree.” Hoplite told the Yugoro “But now that I know Santa is real, I’m doing it for a ps5.”
“Ho ho ho ho!” Santa laughed “I think that can be arranged, but your friend in the vents might get to me first!”
Hoplite rushed forward, determined to get that damn ps5 by any means necessary. Lance would already by getting fantastic gifts from the fat man this year, it was Hoplite’s turn now. He blasted coal at Heedmeiser, but the Yugoro had like a sandevistan I guess, and dodged it. This repeated on and on, Heedmeiser drawing closer and closer before whacking Hoplite away with an oversized candy-cane.
His back impacted with the wall, denting it and shaking Hoplite’s teeth. He would need to harness Christmas Cheer to defeat Heedmeiser, that much was obvious. Hoplite pulled himself free of the dent in the wall, landing on his feet and raising his fists.
Heedmeiser laughed “You stand no chance, I am powered by Scrooge capacitors, I am unbeatable!!!”
Lance then dropped down from the vents, two sharpened candy-canes in her grasp. She then plunged the candy canes into Heedmeisers sandevistan, the candy somehow managing to pierce the hard metal to disable it. How? Christmas magic, that’s why, shut up.
Hoplite then channeled holiday cheer, a full head of hair appearing on top of his helmet. It turned blonde and stuck up high in the hair as an aura of golden energy surrounded him, powering his next attack as his fist decked Heedmeisers halls.
The destroyer of Christmas was then turned into a glorious christmas tree, the christmas cheer in Hoplites punch overpowering the Scrooge capacitors and destroying Heedmeiser utterly. Lance rushed to Santa’s side, and began pulling away the inserted cords from Santa Claus.
Hoplite moved to assist as well, hefting the jolly man up and out of his prison.
“Ho ho ho!” Santa laughed “Good work, both of you. I think you both will be heading towards the top of the nice list!”
“You’re welcome Santa.” Hoplite said “I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you.”
“Its okay Hoplite, you’re just a silly little guy.” Santa replied “Ho Ho HO!”
And just like that… Santa was gone in a burst of snow, leaving Lance and Hoplite all alone. They both looked to one another confused for a moment before shrugging. Santa would do his part once they finally went to bed… now it was time to go and get Michael.
When the two re-emerged from the ship, they found Michael running through the air, leading a team of reindeer pulling a sleigh. These damn mutations would need to be taken care of, but if Santa needed Michael to fulfill his duty to Christmas, Hoplite would allow it.
He and Lance finally returned home, and tucked themselves into bed, eagerly awaiting tomorrow’s gifts. When morning did come, they emerged from the room to find that beneath their christmas tree was a mountain of presents. However, as they began tearing into the presents, Hoplite found that none of the presents were for him… they were all for Lance. He sat in his chair, feeling a wave of disappointment as Lance lifted a final parcel.
The wrapping was exquisite, with a red bow around green wrapping paper with shotguns displayed on the paper. Lance turned the book-sized present about, looking confused a moment before handing it to Hoplite.
“This one is for you.” Lance told him with a smile “He didn’t forget you after all.”
Hoplite took the present gingerly from Lance, staring down at it a moment before slowly ripping away the wrapping.
He audibly gasped as he stared wide-eyed at the contents of the package.
The book from his childhood, the book he had read as a child during his training as a Hoplite. Tears began welling in his eyes for the first time in centuries as he opened the book, Lance putting a hand on his shoulder plate as he read the words written under the table of contents.
“Hope you enjoy this more than a ps5, the elves didn’t know how to make one so I went to try and buy one… but the scalpers had gotten to it first! Next year, I’m going to need your help with them, until then, Merry Christmas!!!”
Hoplite then heard out the window “Ho Ho Ho!!!”
This was truly the best Christmas Hoplite ever had.
