LazyPurple
patreon
Looong update time!!! Woo!!! :D
🕑 Added 2021-09-03 00:00:05 +0000 UTCHey guys! This update's a long time coming. The last post I made on here was quite hopeful, and for good reason. Acknowledging my issues publicly has allowed me to make new forms of progress that have me more hopeful than ever. Attached to this post is a 15~ minute video-ramble clarifying my progress alongside some Medic gameplay. The first 3 minutes are a little mopey, but hey that's life! I also talk a bit about my progress on the Medic video. I'm currently on the vacation that I mention in the video, and it's been everything I hoped it would be - I'm bursting with optimism!
The too-long-can't-watch summary is:
1. I'm still struggling with some form of "chronic stress" that impedes my sleep. I can't "force" progress on it, I simply must learn to relax and wait patiently for it to pass, and I can't know how long that will take.
2. Every day I have to do a 6-8 hour boot-up sequence where I recover from my stressful sleep and then do self-care/exercise in order to alleviate my stress/adhd symptoms
3. Recently, I have completely embraced this reality instead of fighting it or trying to change it. This is what has me hopeful: the boot-up sequence above isn't ideal, but at least I'm accepting it and working around it now, leading to some productivity! Previously, I refused to accept my inability to work at start-of-day and would resist it, force myself to work, and break down repeatedly.
4. Similarly, I have fully accepted that I can't beat ADHD when it comes to my gaming "hyperfixation." I've wanted so bad to use gaming as my "break time" between work, but it just doesn't work - my brain won't let me stop thinking about gaming once I start doing it. I've started investing in other forms of free time that regenerate me in-between work, but don't worry - I still plan to game, I've just accepted that gaming and work don't mix within the same day.
5. I would love to make videos about mental health in the future - if I end up helping myself out of this I would love to help others, and it feels very important to me to do this.
6. I'm proud to say I've made great strides in overcoming my general anxiety! I used to freak out at the idea that the neighbors would hear me recording lines, but now I just accept it. I used to become completely exhausted from my anxiety after streaming, but now I can relax while streaming and still work the next day.
7. Medic video progress has been frustrating because I could sense that my anxiety/stress was rubbing off on the production. I could tell I was writing segments that weren't authentic, but I couldn't "fix" them without "fixing" my anxious state first, which you can't force! Agh. Anyway, I'm very happy with recent progress on the video and recent re-writings of the script. Managing my anxiety has allowed me to break through several roadblocks and I'm excited!
8. As soon as I am fully confident in the script (soon pls!), I know I can bang out the last parts of the video in a month. I MAY make a stream-highlights video in the interim just to break my uploading dry-streak, but yeah, the Medic video has been perpetually on the edge of completion for a while now due to my mental roadblock.
9. I've paused the Patreon the past two months due to mental health work and taking two mini-vacations with friends. They've been so helpful, and I feel dumb for not letting myself do something like this earlier!
10. As ever, I feel like the luckiest Youtuber ever for how patient everyone has been with me and my journey. I'm more excited than ever for what I have to give back to my community and the internet as a whole! We're all gonna make it :) Thank you everybody!!!
Comments
bob_2_
Have a great vacation! Please know that you have made my, and so many other people's, lives better. If you never dropped another video your impact on the world would be such a huge net positive, so take care of yourself because we all want you to be healthy and happy more than anything else.
LazyPurple
Yes I agree!! I'll do it for sure then, some day
LazyPurple
Thank you!!! I hope your vacation was everything you wanted!
LazyPurple
Thank you lago! Sorry you related so hard haha but I'm thankful to hear its not just me. Here's hoping you get some clarity on these issues sooner than later!
A Tree
I think you should make a mental health video where you share your growth. Hearing you talk about these viscous cycles; it's valuable to know about these pitfalls, how to avoid them and how to climb out of them.
Ardate
This vacation was a long time coming. I'm so glad you let yourself have this and I can't wait for you to come back all energized and ready to kick ass!! ♥
I'm glad you're taking the time to enjoy friends and enjoy life with a vacation! You defs deserve it :) I also recently took my first vacation since high school, and it was my first vacation with just me and my girlfriend. You should be proud of yourself for your progress, and I can't wait to see the new medic video!
LagomorphMan
Oh man, I feel you so very, very hard. It's like you have been describing my everyday life to a T and it kind of scares me. I feel like I should look into that. But let me just say, we're here for you. You're one of my favorite people on YouTube and we support you because we know you're worth it. Take your time and do what you need to. Take care.
Take as much time as you need, LazyPurple!
LazyPurple
Thank you so much ten!!! It means a lot to hear that my haphazard description of that phenomenon was validating for you. That's why I really want to make a mental health video, it feels like so much of the journey is just hearing that "it's not just you," like you described. That "melee exampe" loop has definitely been the one I've felt the most personal responsibility and failure for - you validating it back has helped me in a similar way <3
Tencoth
I haven’t fully finished the video yet, but I’m really happy with the progress you’ve been making with ADHD and anxiety, as someone who also struggles with things you mentioned in the video. When you used the melee example I literally put my hands to my head and yelled “finally someone put it into words.” Like…i’ve had that exact feeling for months if not years now, and hearing that its a shared experience and I’m not bullshitting myself or making it up because X and Y is incredibly reassuring. I hope you continue to take care of yourself. I genuinely love your work and rewatch it fairly frequently, and i want you to take as much time as you need.
LazyPurple
Glad to hear it!
LazyPurple
No problem and thank you!
Thank you for the update and enjoy your vacation 👍
I've recently enjoyed mental health videos and such from FUNKe, so more personal videos is something I'm already open to.
LazyPurple
Thank you Nathan!!
Nathanaël Havez
Videos about mental health would be so much awesome. 100% support on this. In any case, thank you so much for everything Lazy. (Weird to call you that way, because you’re definitely not lazy) Your work is one of the best and most enjoyable on YouTube.
