LazyPurple
patreon
A YEAR OF UPDATES BUNCHED INTO ONE!
🕑 Added 2022-12-16 23:11:14 +0000 UTCTL;DR I am in the process of trying to revert this Patreon's payment structure back to “per-creation,” the $30/$60 tiers are being phased out, and the patron-only streams will no longer be “attached” to when I upload videos. In the second half of the post, I dump a video-script's worth of what I've learned about the ADHD + burnout feedback loop.
Hi everyone! Apologies for lagging on this post, I wanted to see how I felt a few days after uploading. Making this video was an extremely educational rollercoaster, and I wrote a huge notepad file about the process. Basically, I find it best to only work with inherently valuable clips (i.e. clips that are funny unedited) and then fully trust my brain wherever it goes in the editing software. It feels like a “switch” turns on when I start editing - I kept thinking “oh, I can afford to not edit those clips in the next section since they stand on their own, I'll just snip-snip them together and be done!” but then I'd actually get to those clips and see 100 little “5 minute edits” that would instantly improve the viewing experience... at the cost of me falling behind the deadline. You can see how these spur-of-the-moment edits are ADHD-friendly, compared to all the frontloading and planning of writing a full script before ever editing anything. I think I was already beginning to realize this in the Medic video, seeing as my next task for its production (before starting this 2014 video) was to edit together some topic-motivated clip montages.
But before I get too ahead of myself... I can't thank all of you enough who have stuck with this Patreon throughout this difficult time, even without regular updates or posts from me. And of course, thank you to anyone who contributed and understandably withdrew support at some point. When this Patreon was created, it was the difference between being able to continue the channel full-time or not, and your continued support here has now become the difference between me “just staying afloat,” and me being financially secure enough to commission SFM animators and receive specialized burnout therapy.
As a show of good faith that I truly intend to produce the Medic video ASAP, I am currently trying to revert this Patreon's payment structure back from “monthly” to “per-creation,” but Patreon is making it difficult and I'm considering switching platforms. The awkward middle-ground would be to "pause payments" until the Medic video is done. IMPORTANTLY, I will also be removing the Purple Prime “read out your name” reward, as well as the Purple Pro “loadout” reward (but I'll still be trying to include a loadout in the Medic video from everyone who has contributed at this tier. This reward would've become defunct anyway!). Lastly, the “patrons-only” stream mentioned in the $2 tier will no longer be attached to when I upload, because the stress of uploading knocks me out of “hang out and chill” mode. For now, I've written myself a reminder to ping patrons via Discord for a stream soon, and depending on people's interest I may phase this out as well.
Now, some thoughts on why: over this past year I have come to completely understand why Joseph Anderson deleted his Patreon. It's like the ultimate declaration of “TRUST ME, my videos are only taking this long because I am struggling to finish them, not because I am in the Bahamas or actively deciding not to work on them.” I 1000% empathize with the nagging need to prove to your audience that you are not intentionally abusing their patience. The decision to go monthly was made under the assumption that huge, sprawling videos were becoming the norm, and, as I implied in my recent video, I'd like to start scaling down into simpler passion projects. I think a per-production Patreon will better motivate me in this direction, and in general it will be better for my mental health to know that the contributions here are being earned by results, not promises. Additionally, I genuinely believe that you deserve frequent updates when giving monthly support like that, and I can't always promise my mental health will align with something like a monthly update. On that note, I'd like to segue into the topic of ADHD and how it led to my burning out. Fair warning, the following is a comprehensive, 6~ minute read:
So, the simplest explanation for ADHD right now is that my brain cannot transmit and/or receive as much dopamine/norepinephrine as a neurotypical brain, and stimulant medication is an attempt to transmit some “extra dopamine” into that “dopamine-sized hole.” It's hard to summarize what “less dopamine” feels like, but my best summary would be that my brain feels like it's “starving,” sometimes painfully, for stimulation. I've mentioned before that if I was having fun with a game in a given week, my brain would refuse to work. Instead, it'd continuously thought-jam me with the urge to play that game. When my brain was that obvious about it, I would try things like “dopamine fasts” (taking a walk for a whole day to try and “reset” my brain's stimulation levels). That would help for a couple days, until eventually my life would start to feel grey and unrewarding. I'd then reward myself with some entertainment (usually a game) and BOOM, my brain would instantly flip: “THERE IT IS! I'm always starving (for dopamine) and here's the food! Why did you stop doing this, do you hate me or something??”
Sadly, I don't know how to explain this dynamic in a way that doesn't just sound like a “video game addiction,” and that's what's so awful/sneaky about ADHD: its symptoms look and feel like a string of willpower failures until you understand the diagnosis. One doctor I listened to said “the shame of living with ADHD is often worse than the condition itself.” A relevant side-note here is that “shame” is the foundation of burnout: “I have to prove myself, I don't deserve a break, I don't deserve this success, etc.” To motivate myself out of my 3.5 year “hiatus” in 2017, I recall affirming to myself: “It's okay - I just took out a loan on my free time and am going to make up for it by working constantly from now on.” Yikes! I may as well have announced that I intend to burn out.
And that's what happened: around age 22 (2017), I got deeply frustrated at my brain constantly resisting my goals. To cope, I formed an adversarial relationship with my brain and body, basically applying a “Shonen mentality” (Gurren Lagann, DBZ, MHA etc.) against them. Working became synonymous with ignoring my body/brain's signals and “heroically pushing through” (insert every Kamina quote about making the impossible possible). The problem is, that was a carpet bomb approach that also ignored my body's useful, healthy signals – most importantly, the many ways it needs rest and recovery. I cultivated a total disconnection of body and mind, resulting in something analogous to “alexithymia” (“a personality trait characterized by the inability to identify and describe emotions experienced by oneself”). As you know, I definitely got some videos done by doing this, but the demo video took it too far and led to the physical symptoms of my body's “frustration kamehameha.” Heart pangs, constant abdominal tension discouraging exercise, 2 years of sleep issues, and that one time right after the Demo video that I accidentally opened SFM instead of Steam and had the “out-of-body experience” of watching myself spam-click the red-Xs to close it as if my life depended on it!
Now, onto the stimulant medication. I grew up pharmaphobic, so it took me an unusually long time to decide on medication – I had to do a lot of research first. Even now, I'm uncomfortable giving it uncritical praise just in case the “pharmaphobes” end up being right. But, after listening to some truly compassionate doctors discuss the benefits, as well as reading in a book that almost no serious side effects have been seen at 20mg a day or less, I gave it a go. Despite my research, I incorrectly expected the medication to just be a “super-coffee” that would help me keep banging my head against the wall and get back to work. Even more confusingly, it actually did do that for the first month – you get a lot of unnatural energy from it before your brain becomes “tolerant.” But that phase passed, and now I realize that it's actually helping me do the opposite of "pushing harder": because there's some bonus dopamine filling the dopamine-sized hole in my brain, I can now truly take a moment to stop and hear what my body needs, without it getting drowned out by my brain's “stimulation starvation” trying to “trick me” into seeking stimulation even when I need rest.
This might sound bizarre to some, but it's completely life-changing to be able to hear your body politely ask for a lie down, a light jog, or to do some feel-good stretches. Before, self-care activities like that were still an act of “psyched-up” self-punishment: “I HAVE to go for a jog, because they say that's good for you, I HAVE to try yoga because apparently that works too - COME ON BODY, WHY AREN'T YOU RELAXED YET? I FORCED YOU TO JOG AND STRETCH LIKE THE INTERNET SAID TO!”
I'm hopeful that this is the kind of realization that will remain learned even if I decide to go off the medication. But, to be completely clear: this didn't happen overnight. I was in 2 years of therapy prior, and it's been about 10 months of applying what I learned in therapy with medication now. Starting medication sort of “reset” my progress in a good way – I already had so much experience looking into my issues, so it was extremely educational to look at them again while having “extra dopamine,” if that makes sense. That's what I meant in the video when I said “it helped me separate my symptoms from my issues.”
Finally, making this last video was a huge sign of progress that I'm learning to manage my burnout. Yes, I pushed way too hard in the last 3 days of production. But for the most part, when my body would start panicking about the deadline, I was able to hear it and say “Ok, I might have to do a little bit less than I planned” and actually mean it. There were times I couldn't keep my eyes open while editing, but unlike my past self, I didn't blast “ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH” and internally shout “MAKE THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE!” No, I.... closed my eyes and lied down until I felt ready to work again. And you know what? That is so much more efficient than pushing through pain! I'm finally confident in the fact that I'm not taking a break to give up, I'm taking a break because I want to continue.
Ok, I think that's as long as I can tolerate making one Patreon post lol, but hopefully that illustrates why I'm feeling hopeful about having gotten help for my ADHD. I might make a secondary channel video commentary about this (referencing actual doctors when possible), so let me know if you have any specific questions for a video like that. And thanks again for everything!
Comments
Stearen
Very happy to hear you found out how you are feeling and how you can take care of it. I'm right now in the same process of finding out if I might have ADHD and if so how I can work with it. seeing this did help me also understand that sometimes I should't go to crazy and just have fun. thanks man <3
TerminatorWho
So glad you're feeling better man, glad your doing well, even with ADHD affecting your ability to do anything. I honestly don't mind the wait as i know all the videos you produce are great, keep doing what you think is right, the video can wait until you're feeling better. You don't need to push yourself as most, if not all, of your fans know what you're going through. Hope your ADHD gets better man!
