somanyfangs
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Health stuff / about my irregular posting lately
🕑 Added 2020-09-21 00:33:33 +0000 UTCHey everyone! I wanted to tell you about why my content has been a bit belated and irregular in September. It's a pretty long post but the tl;dr is: mental illness sucks.
To begin with, I don't think I've ever told you exactly what I'm dealing with mentally. I have attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), obsessive compulse (personality) disorder (OC[P]D), and generalised anxiety disorder (GAD). I'm relatively high-functioning but some days, weeks, and months are certainly worse than others. I currently can't afford any therapy or treatment, so I try to make do with self-care and healthy routines.
Most of the time I manage okay. But when something goes wrong, it often sets off a domino effect where all the good habits that keep me functioning crumble like a house of cards. As a result my executive dysfunction gets even worse than normal and even simple tasks can turn into seemingly insurmountable challenges. I live + work alone so I take care of myself, my apartment, and my business without any help. Sometimes, having to do everything on my own really wears me out. I regularly struggle with everyday maintenance and when something unexpected happens or when there's a lot to do at once, it often hits me pretty hard. With respect to my work schedule, I often end up in a vicious burnout cycle, where I work so hard for a couple of weeks that I end up sick and too fatigued to do anything worthwhile for the couple weeks that follow -- and then repeat.
Right now, I'm a bit behind schedule, partly because of such burnout and partly because various events in September have been repeatedly fucking me over. Quite frankly I‘ve been feeling pretty awful, and everything I just described has made it hard to manage. But I'm working on catching up on things I need to finish (HTM11) and art I owe people (some icon rewards). My original plan was to focus entirely on finishing these things before I went back to producing the rest of my content, because I thought I could get it done in just a few days and then be back on track. But this plan has been continually thwarted as I’ve had to deal with one unexpected thing after another in other aspects of life, completely draining me of emotional and mental energy and leaving me with zero capacity to create anything worthwhile. Tbh I've spent a lot of days barely getting out of bed.
I *have* made great progress on both the HTM and the icons, but I'm at a point where I need to also start producing my regularly scheduled September content *alongside* working on finishing the things that are late. So I've decided that from now on I'll divide my time evenly between "working on the HTM/icons" and "working on the rest of my content." I'll be posting paintings, sketches, and other things, with the HTM going live as soon as it's completely done (which will absolutely be before the end of this month).
Allowing myself to adjust my posting plans like this is me implementing a lesson I learned the hard way. In the past, I've often forced myself to work so hard that I neglect my health and my home. I would work 18 hours/day, sleep 4 hours/night, live off of monster and bags of chips, and cry every day. Now, I'm trying something new: to be kinder to myself. To allow things to take more time if I couldn't finish them as soon as I would have liked. To take breaks when I need it. To make time for the self-care and daily routines that keeps my mind + body healthy and that keeps my apartment from becoming an absolute mess. To worry less. To listen when friends and followers say that I'm not a machine, that my well-being comes before meeting a deadline and that people will understand.
Keeping your shit together is hard when you're struggling with mental illness. I'm sure some of you know what it feels like. And even those of you who don't have personal experience of similar issues can hopefully imagine, because nowadays people are talking more than ever about neurodivergence. I also feel like we're shifting away from the ~harmful productivity mindset~ to a place where you're encouraged to recognise your limits and take care of yourself.
So I hope it's okay that HTM11 is late. I hope it's okay that I haven't posted as much as usual this month. Those of you who have been around for a few months or more know that normally I post more often and everything is on time. Now that I've changed from focusing *solely* on the HTM to creating other things as well, I hope to saturate the rest of September with as much content as I can manage. I already know my commissioners are wonderfully understanding, supportive, and patient, which I'm endlessly grateful for. I have to ask the same from the rest of my patrons, and I hope you're ok with it. Love you. <3
