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Deep Leffen Goes to Court: Part VIII
🕑 Added 2020-10-20 17:55:39 +0000 UTCThis is part 8 in an ongoing series. See part 7 here.
In the last episode:
the judge turned to the court and said, "wow... that was... that was really something. Can we get a round of applause for Mango?"
the audience erupted in applause like well-trained circus monkeys.
the judge cleared his throat.
"Now where were we with this sorry excuse for a trial? Oh that's right, we were about to send this sorry excuse for a gamer to his grave."
the judge turned to hungrybox and said, "so what's your strategy here, bro? you're kind of fucking everything up."
hungrybox told the judge to pipe down and called his next witness to the stand.
hungrybox's life coach was massaging his shoulder and thighs. he hadn't stopped whispering sweet nothings in his ear since the beginning of the trial.
"we will call our next witness to the stand - Hugo 'HugS' Gonzalez, codename: slippery tip."
slippery tip entered the courtroom, muttering "oh, i'm sorry, is this your seat?" to everyone he passed. he let out a small fart with every step he took. i was unintimidated by HugS presence, knowing that the jury would never trust the memory of an aging and demented smash legend. slippery tip was wearing a pair of "air jacksons", which was his term for a burlap sack wrapped around his feet with a rubberband. he was wearing a shirt that said, "this is the shirt Mang0 uses to wipe his ass."
during the trial, slip tip was a complete mess. he coughed on the prosecution's lawyer throughout his entire testimony. he died multiple times and was declared "very dead" by a court doctor. it was later discovered that hugs could regulate his heart beat at will, a technique he developed over the course of a smash career that was longer than mango's "you gotta be kidding me" erection. the prosecution decided to loosen hugS up a bit with a few shots of vodka.
hungrybox approached the stand. "Hugs, where were you the night that mrs. bennington was murdered?"
HugS responded, "i was at home, masturbating on my computer."
hungrybox followed up, "and can you tell me what you were watching?"
HugS replied, "i was watching an advertisement for Chipotle and listening to the Joe Rogan podcast."
hungrybox was sure that he had the case wrapped up already, but wanted to fill out a few more details.
"and what was the topic of discussion on the Joe Rogan podcast? "
HugS replied, "it the first episode of the Joe Rogan Experience with Elon Musk."
hungrybox was now certain that he had me dead to rights, but had a few more loose ends to tie up.
"and do you think leffen played a role in mrs. bennington's death?"
HugS replied, "i'm not exactly sure 'who' mrs. bennington is, or 'where' exactly i am right now, but i'm nearly confident leffen killed her." Hugs tried to start a chant of "bury him, bury him", but forgot what he was about to say.
hungrybox followed up, "and why are you so confident leffen killed mrs. bennington?"
HugS responded, "because I watched him fucking do it. and he killed Mr. Bennington too!"
the court stenographer let out an audible gasp. one of the jurors fainted.
Mr. Bennington, who was currently in the audience was surprised to learn he was dead
hungrybox let out a sigh. "HugS, are you sure that you saw leffen kill Mr. Bennington?"
"i haven't been sure of anything since 1993, but i'm feeling lucky tonight boys."
hungrybox was starting to wonder if hugS was a reliable witness, and decided to ask him a few questions to probe his sanity.
hungrybox asked, "HugS, do you remember why you are here?"
HugS replied, "i believe i'm waiting on my opponent for round four pools."
hungrybox continued, "and do you remember the name of the person you're playing against?"
HugS replied, "his name is 'leff'. he's a friend of mine, a good friend. a damn good friend"
hungrybox was completely perplexed.
hungrybox continued. "HugS, who is the president of the United States right now?"
HugS thought about it for quite some time before saying, "oh, that's gotta be... it's gotta be my boy Frankie D. Final Answer"
hungrybox turned to the judge and shook his head. he mimed a friendly throat-slitting gesture to the judge. the court police were immediately dispatched and took hugS into custody. as they were dragging hugS shockingly sculpted body to the lethal injection room, hugS couldn't help but be happy.
he said, "as long as i'm with friends, every game is a friendly." hugs was beaming with pride. the judge couldn't help but feel pity. he said, "hey, HugS. you be good, okay?" hugS nodded, accepting his fate.
"oh and one more thing", hugS said as he cleared his throat.
"It's Frankie D. Final Answer"
