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Deep Leffen Goes to Court: Part X
🕑 Added 2020-10-29 15:25:28 +0000 UTCThis is part 10 in an ongoing series. See part 9 here.
On the last episode:
The judge stood up to speak, but mew2king continued, "as you all know, there is a chasm of space-time that exists between "best player right now" and "best player of all time." If you attempt to traverse this chasm in the search for some grand truth, you will be ripped apart - emotionally, mentally and physically - by the cruelties of an uncaring universe. Should you be foolish enough to try, the uncaring universe will deliver an answer that poisons the spirit. That answer will be this: "it doesn't matter." The worst thing you can do is attempt to cross this chasm. The best thing you can do is fall in love."
Armada took a moment to appreciate the nonsense Mew2King just spewed as he prepared his next question. "And where were you the night my client, Leffen, killed Mrs. Bennington in cold blood, with his bare hands, with seemingly no remorse?" Armada turned back and winked at me. I gave him a thumbs up.
Mew2king cleared his throat. "I was busy getting laid, Armada. Something you probably can't appreciate."
"No further questions," Armada said. "Get this piece of shit out of here."
Mew2king stood up and walked over to where I was sitting. He squeezed me by the trapezoid muscles and said, "what did you think about what I said back there? About me getting laid?"
I said, "that was awesome, dude. I can't wait to get laid."
"Yeah, me too," Mew2king said. "I was lying back there when I said it, and I hope you can forgive me."
"Yeah, no worries, Mew2King," I replied.
Mew2king squeezed me by my rhombus muscles and returned back to the stand.
"Sorry I lied back there, Armada."
"Not a problem, man. Lying under oath ain't a crime", Armada said.
Armada shuffled a few note cards that had the words "innocent" and "guilty" written on them. He landed on the "guilty" card, and asked Mew2King what he had to say about that.
"What about it?"
"Is this not your signature?", Armada inquired.
"No, this is a note card with the word 'guilty' written on it."
"God dammit. You got me there, smart guy. I thought I had you for a second. Okay, follow-up question: you were a close friend of Leffen, correct?"
"I was a close friend of Mang0, who was a close friend of Leffen, so for all intents and purposes the answer is maybe."
I could feel the grip of the guillotine on my neck loosening. What a great answer.
"So you can verify that Leffen has never, and will never, threaten to murder anyone?"
"I can verify that Mang0 has never threatened to murder anyone, and, by the law of syllogism, that Leffen would never threaten to murder anyone."
"Mew2king, please take a moment and point to Leffen," Armada said.
"When I make an observation," Mew2king said, pointing at me, "it is a timeless declaration of truth, atemporal, that need not be declared in the here and now. Merely thinking 'it is so' is enough to make it so."
Armada replied "no further questions, your honor. Apparently my witness can make timeless declarations of truth, so what the fuck am I supposed to do with that?"
Mew2king stopped Armada mid-sentence and said, "I'm quite certain that you will find, by the time I leave this courtroom, that there are many questions you will have wished you would have asked... "
Armada said, "oh yeah?"
"Judge, I'd like to tell a joke, if I may, before I leave?", Mew2King asked.
The judge replied, "I'll allow it so long as it's short and to the point"
"I think you'll find that this joke is actually shorter than you will have wanted by the time I end it."
The judge banged his gavel and said, "Just get it over with."
Mew2king cleared his throat and began: "two men walk into a bar. That's not how the joke goes but I'll continue. One man is on fire, the other isn't. "Hey, you're on fire," the first man says to the second. The second man says "no way" and proceeds to view the first man's flaming body with disdain. "You're on fire," the first man says again. The first man punches the second man with his flaming fist, killing him instantly. "No, still not me, you're the one on fire, buddy", the second man says. The second man hits back and so begins a fist fight, even though both men are strictly forbidden from fighting as per bar rules.
Mew2King pauses and leans into the microphone.
"The first man pulls out a flaming sword and slices the second man in half, killing him instantly. In the original telling of this joke, the sword is made out of fire and the second man is made out of cake but lets not make this any more complicated than it needs to be. The fact of the matter is that the complexity of a joke is, of course, inversely proportional to the magnitude of the punchline, and when this punchline is finally delivered, it will render half of the audience impotent, and the other half wishing that they were.
Now, if I may continue: the first man finishes his whiskey, lights a cigarette and says, 'this entire scene has been a carefully orchestrated prank, engineered by none other than the Prank Master Extraordinaire himself: Stubbles Mc Flap n' Tap." The two bar employees burst into the room with automatic rifles and unload into the first bar patron, leaving only his flaming sword and his final words: "no, I'm not on fire, you're the one who is on fire!"
A careful reader might read this and wonder: what were the final words of the other patron who died a gratuitous cake death at the hands of a flaming sword man? And therein lies the beauty of this joke. You see, the other patron was never given any last words because those words weren't essential to the telling of this story.
As it turns out, the cosmetic background details that give life to the characters in this story -- who they are, where they work, who they spend their time with, and so on -- are actually the least important features of a joke. They're omitted for the sake of convenience, as we need not fill the mind of readers with irrelevant trivia that ultimately doesn't relate to some grand truth or useful narrative about the world. And yet, these omitted trivialities are quite literally of life-or-death importance to the characters I have so callously censored. The sad fact is that not every character plays an essential role in an interesting story; not every character is part of the punchline; and and not every character has last words worth repeating.
By the way, since you asked, the last words that spilled from the lips of the second patron were: "not cool, bro." The entire bar erupts into gleeful celebration, as Stubbles makes the most miraculous exit. So the bartender is feeling pretty happy and serves a round of shots to everyone.
Seeing that everything is well, the bartender leans over the bar and says to his patrons, "wanna hear an original joke?" The patrons, of course, are interested in hearing the joke, so they implore the bartender to continue. And get this, fellas: the bartender clears his throat and says 'two men walk into a bar. That's not how the joke goes but I'll continue. One man is on fire, the other isn't."
Everyone laughs. I'm laughing. There's a part of me that feels like the joke shouldn't have ended there and a part of me that believes that neither the bartender nor the other patrons ever realized that their entire existence was manufactured in service of a punchline that never came. I began to wonder if my own existence was not too different from theirs, and for a moment took solace in the fact that my punchline would one day arrive. When that day comes, will I be remembered as an irrelevant side character whose life story is omitted as a favor to the reader? Or will my last words be part of a larger story that's worth remembering and re-telling? One thing is certain: when the punchline finally comes, even I'll be laughing.
"No further questions, your honor", I said.
"Fuck off. You can't even ask questions", the judge replied.
