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Prisoners of Sol - The Human Manual
🕑 Added 2025-08-12 11:00:15 +0000 UTCThe Human Manual, Vol. 1
Written by Mikri for the Network
[Section Excerpt from “Bodily Disfigurement: DO NOT TRY TO REPAIR THEM!”]
Unit Preston has a “birthmark” on his upper thigh, observed during the medical examination. It took [1 year] to acquire new data that this was not an external serial number. Humans can have random discolorations and imperfections. Some of them are intentionally applied birthmarks called tattoos, which are scratches to the organic chassis that are filled with ink.
This was not internal bleeding, as initially believed, or a product defect that needs to be reported to the organic in question. They consider it “art” and will take great offense. M-I-K-R-I’s standing advisory is for units to pretend to enjoy their bodily defacement, or face the lessening of their friendship evaluation. Examples of acceptable compliments and disliked compliments can be seen below.
ACCEPTABLE:
“Your inky pattern has been noted by my visual sensors and falls within intriguing parameters.”
“Choosing to color on your chassis is valid. Organics are illogical, but I respect our differences.”
“Human [Name], that is a fun blot displacing your cellular tissues.”
UNACCEPTABLE:
“Why have you done this to yourself? Silly animal, are you experiencing a memory wipe?”
“I can refurbish you as a gesture of friendship.”
“Would you like a new arm? Arms can be replaced.”
Organics never follow one pattern of rules however, so there are edge cases. If the other animals remark on disliking this particular tattoo, second their opinions as loudly as possible. They do not ever want our opinions on art; mimicry is the only way to avoid them referencing you as a “judgmental, worthless clanker.”
However, if an organic comments that they do not like something about their own appearance, DO NOT SECOND THEIR OPINION. The chemicals of their brain are low and seeking validation, and the unit may begin leaking from the facial orifices if you build upon their self-observation. Objective truth rarely matters with animals. Their feelings must be cared for at all costs.
[Section Excerpt from “Punctuality”]
Organics lack an internal chronometer. They measure time on the following scale:
“I’m almost ready!” = “I am beginning to ready myself to depart this geolocation” (15 minutes)
“Go without me.” = “I have given up on getting ready thanks to your prompting” (30 minutes)
“She’s Spanish, Mikri.” = “She’s Spanish.” (1 hour)
The query “When do you want to leave?” is not to be trusted as a way to get them to comply with your expectations. Humans will leave whenever they force themselves to begin their ambulation patterns and there is nothing you can do to speed them up. They will also grow angry if you tell them there is a fire or other emergency to trick them into leaving, since this is an “immoral” subroutine. While deception is a viable strategy, it may result in the human damaging your chassis or threatening to recycle you.
Due to the lack of chronometers and wishing to conflate their own sensory data, despite it being objectively poor, humans believe that it is fashionable to be late by a certain degree. This author does not understand why punctuality is not the desirable quality, or why they would say a time which is not actually the time. The animals appear to despise earliness most of all, since they are never ready even when it was their invitation.
What to do if the human might be irritated that you are too early
Assume you’re too early if you’re before the start time and/or the first one there
Say you need to clean your chassis outside
Claim that your barometer is off and it’s causing a processorache, then leave and do not answer messages
Tell the organic you were really excited to see them, and refuse to leave (may result in less invitations)
What not to do if the human might be irritated that you are too early
Ask where everyone is (you should already know)
Proudly proclaim how early you are
Complain about the organic guests not showing up yet
Put the snacks away because no one is there to eat them
Make a beeline for their couch to try to hack their television
While this can be infuriating, when they would process so slowly even if they were on time, we must be patient. It’s important to remember that time is relative to organics, and not in the literal dissertation sense of relativity. They have no ability to know how many ticks have passed without the aid of wristbound machinery, which they only look at when they wish to leave your presence. That, or hunger. They can be punctual to acquire sustenance to sate their bodily compunctions.
[Section Excerpt from “Noses”]
The humans believe that their air sensors are superior, but these nasal passages can become clogged and limit the respiratory system’s capacity. Please note: it is atypical for this to be a medical emergency, and you should not stick your claws in their nostrils to hold them open. The organic will believe that you are attempting to asphyxiate them, rather than being grateful for the intercession.
These noses can also leak from irritants [as referenced in the “Injurious mouth-burning foods” section]. This is a good thing, because it can keep organics from getting sick. Not only is it frightening to see humans become ill and to simulate their imminent demise, but they also become whiny and exaggerate the severity of their condition. They are vulnerable to the air itself! Keeping them alive is troublesome, and they will not help you.
The nose is one of the few things in their body that does not work against itself, except for when it occasionally begins bleeding from expelling mucus too hard or from blood vessels becoming irritated. This author retracts the proposition that they have any good functional units. Other noteworthy awful “body parts” that made the nose seem good by comparison include:
The heart is a pump of the blood that gets clogged.
The toes, which can be injured by moving forward and being able to bend when clashing with other objects. Organics who stub their toes will act like their nervous system has exploded.
The ears, which cannot be shut off the way a simple microphone can to limit damaging input. Very frail to permanent damage.
The teeth. Some animals can regrow teeth. Human design is flawed because they do not, and they develop holes in their enamel from eating all the time.
The forehead, which is far too large in order to accommodate their brain, even though the dividends of said brain’s power are unimpressive.
However, you may never mention how bad their bodies are. Once again, this unit reminds you that organics are highly self-conscious. They know how terrible the chassis they have is, which is why they have body image issues. Their instincts compel them to make others see them as a suitable mate. Provide periodic reminders of how attractive they are, so that they may construct the belief that they are an optimal physical specimen.
A/N - New bonus content! Some excerpts from Mikri’s human manual, being the judgmental clanker that he is! I hope that you enjoyed seeing him write about our idiosyncrasies. Let me know if you’d like to see more of this style of content, I could cook up some more entries for random human things!
As always, thank you for reading and supporting!
Comments
EliasArt2Life
I wonder about the situations that led to a great deal of these… questionable bits of advice. I can totally see Preston’s influence in large amounts of this. I definitely think Mikri’s study sample size is too small. He should have at LEAST a sample size of a hundred humans, not two main subjects and maybe a dozen extras.
Xilacnog
Damnit Mikri, you're looking at this the wrong way... If research cybernetics, you can turn Preston and Sofia into Cyborgs and make them immortal. "From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of steel. I aspired to the purity of the blessed machine. Your kind cling to your flesh as if it will not decay and fail you. One day the crude biomass you call a temple will wither and you will beg my kind to save you. But I am already saved. For the Machine is Immortal"
Guardian
"The toes, which can be injured by moving forward and being able to bend when clashing with other objects. Organics who stub their toes will act like their nervous system has exploded." I'm reminded of an old cartoon (circa 90s or early 2000s) --- Big Guy and Rusty the Robot, I think? -- anyway, anytime the little Rusty robot character finishes pummeling the episode's BBEG, his military handlers ask him if he's okay, and he proudly proclaims "No pain receptors!" Dem pain receptors, dey can sure be a beetch.
Bbobsillypants
I get the feeling Preston was responsible for that hangup.
Emmanuel Morín
"Arms can be replaced" I really hope Mikri explains to the network that human arms, are in fact, not replaceable and that no Vascar should try to remove them from humans or any organic for that matter. The only part you can remove from an organic is Larimak's head.
mildrey
Why guests can come to party too early but snacks can't?
Sci-fi reader
Researchers are working on regrowing teeth. https://www.dentistrytoday.com/researchers-in-japan-discover-medicine-capable-of-regrowing-third-set-of-teeth-for-humans/
Yannis Morris
“ They do not ever want our opinions on art; mimicry is the only way to avoid them referencing you as a “judgmental, worthless clanker.”” Mikri needs other friends. I’m not even saying he needs to stop being friends with Preston I’m just saying he really really needs to expand his sample sizes. He’s never gotten past his issues with conflation.
Space Paladin
Preston’s just saving the planet. Well, a planet. Tin cans go in the ♻️ I can absolutely write more! Glad you got a kick out of it 🤣
REDemon14
Human manual? Well I need to look at mine to see what wrong with me XD Poor Mikri having to figure all this out with Trial-and-Error. "She's Spanish, Mikri." = "She's Spanish." [1 hour] XD You know, that heard that, in comparison to other animals, humans have some of, if not the, worst designed sinus systems in the animal kingdom and I believe it. Nice funny little look into Mikri's study of humans. Looking forward to more stuff from you!
Space Paladin
I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Bbobsillypants
Jesus Christ Preston your going to get Mikri recycled. Allso more of this pls this was hilarious
DreamEnvoy
Well, this was a fun read. It's nice to have a break from the action and have some not too serious content.
John Benjamin Cate
Mikri making an actual manual for this is absolutely hilarious and adorable. Especially the opening bit about it taking a full year to realize the birthmark was *not* a serial number🤣 He cares so much for his humans.
