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How Smut Was Created: A Bible Story
🕑 Added 2025-01-07 09:47:14 +0000 UTCThis is the account of porn when it was created.
Now no decent porn had yet appeared on the earth, and no gangbangs had sprung up, for the lord god had forgotten to create smut directors. Then he formed them from velvet cigarette pants and leopard print overcoats so that he’d get a ton of awesome smut to watch on his new OLED screen. And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.
The lord took all the new cameramen, fluffers, and moviemakers he had created to the Garden of Eden in a pimped-out leopard print ride. Adam was finally getting a break from sex, and while he was sleeping, god took one of the man’s bones (Ha! Bones!) and made a whole bunch of sexy people to star in his smut. And Adam said, “This is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh, so I have a boner.” And God said, “Lol. That was bloody excellent.”
And Kirsten hid under her desk because she’d just used a pun and was completely humiliated.
Then the lord god said, “Let my smut be teeming with bukkake and anal sex, and let furry handcuffs serve as sign that you probably have daddy issues, and it was so. God made sparkly butt plugs and MILF porn to make women over 40 feel ugly. And he made every kind of porn except the porn women like, so feminism was created on the tenth day.
Now, The Serpent, who was the crappiest smut director out of the lot, decided it would be an awesome idea to drown out all the genuine sounds of Man-Bliss with fake, screaming female orgasms, and it was so. And that is how the vagina took the main role in every porn video that ever was, and god was pleased, and Adam was pleased, but everyone else was pissed off as fuck.
