TheVerpardess
patreon
Going through depression
🕑 Added 2016-05-16 13:54:28 +0000 UTC Hey guys, well I don't know why I'm even typing this here. Maybe it's because I feel less exposed when there's only 7 of you (and it's not public and all) but yeah, to try and make it short.... I have been struggling a lot lately with depression. I don't like to talk about it in public (like DeviantART) anymore because it's a bit too personal and I don't like looking like an attention seeker. I wont even talk about it on Facebook because too many family members follow me there, including my unstable mother. So there's no way I'll ever say a thing there.But on here, I feel a bit more safe.
So... it's really been effecting my art progress lately. I'm trying so hard to do art, but even when I've closed commissions to the public, I still feel like I'm not getting anything done. I'm working at snail-pace here, it's pathetic.
I've just been feeling down about myself for weeks now, well, I always go through this many times. I'm just unhappy with how my life is going, I feel like I haven't achieved anything amazing and I'm just a few years away from 30. Still no house of my own, no family, no partner.... and I still can't even drive. Driving just makes me so anxious that even looking at the drivers book I forced-purchased makes me feel unwell. I know I need to learn it, but I feel like I can't do anything.
I'm always being put down by family for not being able to drive, I pretty much get no support, just insults.
I've also been frustrated with not being able to find an easier job, because my right hand (that I draw with) can't handle too much lifting and repetitive movement anymore, so much that I've learned how to use my left hand for most heavy duty stuff at work. But even my left hand is starting to get pains. I also have problems with my hip (more-so the legs joined at the hip) always going out of position, making walking and standing for hours uncomfortable when they're out of place, and it hurts when I sit too. I'm never comfortable sitting, especially at the computer desk, only when I'm lying down. It's why I hate a hate for doing digital art because of how I can never sit comfortably, but I'm so sick of being away from digital that I just put up with the pain now.
I see a chiropractor now and then and he can click my leg(s) back into the right position, but it's $40 everytime I get this done and it never lasts. Only lasts about a week or so before they move out of position once again. My doctor doesn't seem to think it's anything serious - despite the fact that I'm in pain and sometimes limping because of this stupid problem, I guess there's nothing to do about it then. It's the same with my hand, all she tells me is "find another job" and gives me painkillers.
Christ. Easier said than done...
A new bigger, supportive computer chair 'might' help ease the pain a bit when I need to do digital art, but I haven't been able to afford one. They cost hundreds for a decent one, and I'm not even sure if it would be worth it.
Money is also becoming a problem. I can only physically handle 25 hours at my job (sometimes more when filling in occasionally), but near the end of the year I'm going to need to work more because over half my wages will be going towards rent. This is why I'm trying hard to find something else that wont slowly ruin myself, but it's so hard. It's also hard on me every time I get ignored or rejected from a new job, and I find it really difficult to adjust to new places and people. I just feel like I can't do anything, I literately have no confidence. I've been feeling less confident with my art lately as a result.
I've also stopped showing Ace of Hearts pages anywhere besides here, until I have a good build-up of several pages, because it was unsettling getting such low feedback after spending hours on a page. I can understand why though, the plot isn't moving fast enough, so it is better to just wait until I finish a bunch of pages.
So yeah, I've been pretty unwell as of late. I'm trying to stay strong but it's really difficult when I have barely anybody to talk to anymore, and feel like I have no voice. And feeling like I'm a failure. I swear doing these art things is one of the few things keeping myself alive. At least I still have those I can keep my mind focused on, right?
There is so much I wish I had time to do, and it just kills me each time I reach the end of the week with so little art finished and have to go back to work... I have a lot I really want to get out of my head. I just wish I was able to draw quicker, and do so without all this pain, both physical and mental.
Comments
Thanks, well I guess all I can do is keep trying to produce art that is worthwhile here. I have stuff coming up but I do feel incredibly slow with it all. But I do try what I can.
Unfortunately my uncles are all far away right now, so I cant see or speak to them properly as of now. I also have no holiday pay because it's been used up, so I cant afford to take time off work. But yeah, I just feel irrelevant and like I'm nothing. I am trying to get in better moods though but it's so hard, I am able to at least chat regularly with two of my good friends in the mornings/afternoons. I guess all I can do is just keep doing art since that's all I'm good for.
There are many sayings here that I can use but that's all they are, just sayings. So I'll be to the point, keep thinking positive and try your hardest not to drag yourself further down (I know it'll be hard considering how easy it is in comparison but it's what I do and it helps for the most part) and speak to a very trusted family member about your problems who you know will help you during this time (one of your uncles maybe?) and believe me, talking about it out loud will make you feel a LOT better. If you have any holiday, take some time off and see if you can spend time with the family member who will help. As for AOH, it is a shame it's not getting much feedback but with your plan of posting in bulk it may increase the payback. I'm just sorry I haven't been online as much as I used to be the past couple of weeks (I'm blaming my stitches because it's restricting me and typing this is REALLY bothering the wound, plus I'm away Tuesday and coming back Friday =S) as I'm sure you would have like to have had this advice sooner. Just remember that people will always be around to speak to and support you, both online and IRL.
Hey Tara, it sounds rough but don't give up and don't put yourself down. You are a wonderful person and an amazing artist. Have confidence in yourself you have skills me and many others wish we had. I hope you feel better soon me and others here at patreon will support you and be here for you :)
