Teiran
patreon
A humerous title about depression, and a story poll
🕑 Added 2019-03-07 08:50:22 +0000 UTCHey guys, its um... well its been a while. This post is a bit more personal then most, but I wanted it to be.
Executive Dysfunction is the idea, loosely, that you can't make yourself decide. You can't push yourself over the edge and just... do the thing you know you need to do.
Writing is one of those things I NEED TO DO. This patreon is why. I certainly Want to do it. So is my Day job. I Need to do that. Or cooking food. Or being social or just... well everything.
And that's before we even talk about the furry company I help run... But its real fucking hard to do Anything when you are depressed, and no longer have any spoons. (see Spoon theory)
Depression is a tricky bitch, and I'm afraid it's been ruling my life for a while now. Its made everything so much harder (Like, seriously I don't know how people who have depression more regularly than I do handle this, its driving me mental. Which is sort of the point, I guess.)
The source of my depression isn't even all that complex, and I certainly know what it is.
In early 2017, a very close friend of mine was killed, and this marked the end of an era in my life. And I mean in a serious way, I have entered a distinct and different ERA of my life.
Like graduating from high school and attending college was a different era of my life. Like leaving college and becoming something that resembles an adult.
For more than 15 years, I and three friends hung out one night a week. Other people came and went from the group, but basically every week, usually Fridays, usually playing D&D or other RPGs, for 15 years. These friends became my family. They came to thanksgiving at my parent's house, for pity's sake.
And while that social group didnt exactly break apart because of her death, it was fractured and remade into something new. She was gone. A second friend moved away. A friend who had been a infrequent part of the group grew closer. I pulled other, new people, into the circle. My parents even moved away, retiring to another state. In the end, it was a massive change, and since the transition was not a pleasant one, I was/am still adjusting.
Since then, Ive been up and down, depending on the day, but really depression has been a noticeable factor in my life for about the last two years. I have an unfulfilling and precarious work environment. POLITICS (see shutdown, etc). The looming sense that um... Maybe the environment is just fucked now. That, um, yah, the best years of your life might actually BE over now. (I mean I hope they aren't, but fuck its 2am, and the dark poisonous 2am thoughts are helping write this, they might be you know?)
This time around, the stress of organizing Thanksgiving turned into the nightmare that was the government shutdown. (I am a government contractor, so you can imagine how stressful THAT was) and so sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas I just got very down and Im not yet out of it.
Anyways this is all a bit rambling, and a bit TMI, but hey, I write weird gay porn and that means you guys know a Lot more than most about what makes my weird brain tick. :)
Besides... its nice to tell people this, and I wanted to share something of myself with you guys. Also, I'd like your encouragement, so my gentle and far too patient patrons, I have a question for you to answer: What's next?
I have three mini stories which are... Basically done? Mostly done. They are close enough to the 'finished enough to post' stage that they can see the big 'Publish now' button from where they stand now.
Tell me which of them to finish in a burst of "I'm gonna fucking do this or it kills me" round of writing over the weekend.
(The next section of High School Days is not an option because I am totally unsure how to End that stupid chapter, I think i need to break it into two pieces and rewrite half of it and ARRRRRGGHHH it'll take forever so lets do something that can actually get finished! (Man I hate being fucking depressed.)
