Uboa
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Photos from shoot w/ taran pt.1
🕑 Added 2025-04-18 02:00:03 +0000 UTCI have been thinking of other posts, and I think since some other folk with Patreons are posting photograph archives, I might as well do the same, even though I am perpetually confused why anybody would like to look at me (my self esteem really never recovered from growing up as a closeted nerd). These were done with my long-time friend and collaborator Taran, who is a remarkably talented photographer and, notedly, ambient musician as Kashya.
(I really hope I find the stems for Object Permanence one day...)
We shot these around Melbourne University and other locations in the CBD, such as the Yakimono resteraunt. I was still recovering from a cold - my 3rd virus in a row - so I look a little gaunt (and given my chronic illness, it makes sense). Despite me looking like I am dying and a little clocky, they came out well.
Yes, I am no longer playing the Chelsea Wolfe tour, nor any shows afterward for the foreseeable future. I was recently (finally!) diagnosed with POTS (to the surprise of nobody, given) and hEDS - both of which are commonly co-morbid, and explain virtually all of my health issues I have had recently, and indeed all my life to a less-bad degree. I'll talk about it in more detail some other time. But basically, trying to play a gig with them is ...not fun. Fatigue, dizziness, anxiety, brain fog, memory loss, slurred speech, fainting spells, joint weirdness... there's a good chance I'd have to pull out of the tour halfway through - and I nearly didn't make it to Roadburn. Worse, screaming seems to be a trigger for dizzy spells when standing up. I semi-blacked out during the Liturgy tour, specifically due to heat.
Many people have fun on stage, but for me, it really isn't where I belong. Not with my conditions anyway - especially when combined with autism, which is very common among those with EDS (also, folk with EDS are considerably more likely to be LGBT - which is interesting also). My love has always been for home recording, often in the comfort of my bed - which is where I am writing from now (after waking up too early from POTS-related night sweats). I never dreamt of being a rock star, anyway.
I don't really want to talk more about it right now - minus maybe indirectly in my music - as worsening (although it has improved slightly recently) chronic illness/disability has been my life for the past few years, and it gets... boring. However, it's also a relief to know what is going on. It's also a relief to focus on rest, rather than burning myself out and risking permanent injury trying to prove myself to the world. I've even started using a cane, something I'd never thought I'd need in my 30s. Already I feel lighter. I should be depressed, but instead I am at peace.
Comments
Uboa
it does fkn suck, I had to stop using ig as much as seeing my musician friends tour (especially the US, which is too dangerous for me to go to even if I wasn't disabled) everywhere makes me very, very envious. I'll have to write about it some time, as low key anxious about my future as I can't work any other job than "internet musician" *nervous laughter*. And POTS is very frequently misdiagnosed as an anxiety disorder - luckily the sit/stand or tilt table test can objectively differentiate it from it.
Herboreal
Glad you got some diagnoses! Love this shoot.
the0bsolete
have dealt with similar symptoms recently and it sucks. not diagnosed with anything other than anxiety/panic disorder but as a musician it sucks not being able to really get out there and do the things most musicians can.
