The Kylie Coven System
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AotS Chapter 28.e - Girl Talk
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Acceptance of the Self
Book 1: Attunement of the Hearts
Chapter 28.e - Girl Talk
___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________
Ellie
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[ - Thursday, September 12, 2019 - 8pm - Dawn’s House - ]
We’d been playing the indie video game Crawl for about thirty minutes when Vielet pauses the game and takes a deep breath, looking from Dawn to me and back.
“Hey uh, so, I really like playing games with you two. But I think tonight I’d like to maybe sit down and just talk about trans stuff for a while?” our newly hatched friend says from her place on the left cushion of the couch.
I nod enthusiastically beside her on the middle cushion. “Absolutely!” I say.
Dawn grins past me to Vielet from the right cushion. “Sure thing! I was wondering when to bring it up actually. So, what do you want to know?”
Vie looks taken aback, like she had expected resistance from us, but she quickly schools her expression.
“Um, well, uh, first, what do you two think about ‘passing’?” She makes air quotes with her fingers as she says the last word, looking pensive.
I grimace, and glance back at Dawn to find her looking similarly uncomfortable.
May I? Maddie asks from their position lounging on one of the sofas in our mind-tree.
Be my guest, I think.
I take a mental step backwards and find myself poof!ing into existence inside Anne’s big tree. I bow and make a sweeping motion towards the viewing screen, inviting my partner in mind to take the controls.
Maddie swings their legs off the sofa and gets to their feet, ruffling my hair as they pass me and walk into the viewing screen. I feel them slipping into control of the front as I walk towards what is quickly becoming my favorite chair in this place: a deep green plush armchair a little to the left of center in the row of sofas, love seats, and chairs facing the giant eyes-shaped screen. I take a seat on my chair just as Maddie begins speaking out loud.
“I think passing as a concept fucking sucks,” they say as me. “I wish no one ever had to pass as anything but themselves. It’s a luxury to pass as your preferred gender, and one that not everyone can afford.”
“Not everyone wants to pass either,” Dawn adds from beside us, “I’ve read from a couple of non-passing trans women online who are comfortable and happy with their bodies and they’re far from alone in the trans community.”
Vielet’s nodding along with everything we say. Dawn slips her left hand into Maddie’s right as she finishes speaking. She squeezes our fingers a little and Maddie squeezes back, I can feel my headmate’s gratitude for the reassurance.
“Passing is completely a matter of luck,” Maddie says out loud, “and measuring any part of your self worth by how well you pass as your preferred gender is extremely unhealthy. People who pass aren’t better than anyone else.”
Damn, seems like you’ve got Opinions, I remark.
Indeed I do, been researching more about the trans experience every chance I get, they reply.
As Maddie glances Dawn’s way we can see she’s smirking at us. “Well put,” she says to us. Then she turns her attention to Vielet. “What do you think about passing, Vie?” Dawn asks.
Vielet seems a little uncomfortable as we also turn to look at her. “Well, I agree with you on all points. I know passing isn’t everything, but... it’s still something I desperately want to achieve some day, passing as a girl I mean. At least just to myself. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to pass to anyone else.”
Maddie shakes our head. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about there Vie,” they say with a smile. “You’re a beautiful girl who’s only going to get prettier as time goes on.”
Vie looks taken aback, her dark brown eyes widening.Her cheeks flare bright red. She starts to protest, but Dawn cuts her off. “Ellie’s right Vie, it’s a matter of luck, and you absolutely won the lottery in the cheekbones department.”
Vielet’s eyebrows rise even higher and her cheeks redden further. She sputters out, “Not you too!”
Dawn grins back at her. “Oh absolutely me too.”
Vie’s eyes flick to ours, and Maddie smiles widely. “You’ll get no quarter from me on this issue, fair maiden,” they say.
Vielet puts a hand over her mouth to hide her own growing smile.
“Well, I... thank you,” she says.
“Of course,” Dawn and Maddie chorus.
Quiet descends, and in my mind’s eye I resettle myself in my armchair.
That was adorable, I comment to my partner in mind.
Indeed ‘twas, Maddie replies.
Just try not to make her blush too hard, I advise.
No promises, Maddie says slyly.
Flirt at your own risk, I caution.
“So, did you have any other questions for us?” Dawn prompts gently.
Vielet nods. “I did. I guess I’m kinda insecure about some things still? Like, I don’t really remember many feminine signs from my childhood, so I’m a little worried I might have some mental disorder that’s masquerading as being trans? I really don’t want to take resources away from other trans girls if I’m not really trans.”
Maddie glances to her right, to Dawn, and the two of them wordlessly communicate support to each other, their hands still grasped together tight between them. I send my love and support to Maddie directly, and they radiate gratitude back to me.
Then Maddie takes a deep breath and turns back to face Vielet. “Whether or not you showed signs of being trans before doesn’t change how you feel now, y’know? Did you ever see that 'turn me into a girl dot com' website? And or are you familiar with the instant transition button thought experiment?" they ask.
Vielet blinks at us. “Uh, no to the website, as for the button thing, maybe? Can you describe it more?”
Maddie nods. “It goes like this: if there was a button that, when pressed, instantly transformed you into a girl and made the whole world perceive you as one by default, would you push it?”
“Oh in a heartbeat,” Vielet says, “even little me would’ve at least pushed it out of curiosity.”
“That kinda sounds like a ‘sign’ about your childhood,” Dawn remarks, “though like Maddie said, there’s no ‘you must be this trans to enter’ restriction. If you want to be a different gender, you can just be that gender. If you want to have no gender or multiple genders or something else entirely, that’s cool too.”
Vielet nods, but looks troubled. “What if I have some other disorder though? Like, I don’t know, major depression or generalized anxiety or something and that’s what’s making me feel uncomfortable about being a man?”
Maddie and Dawn are both quiet, and I can tell Maddie’s not sure what to say. So I stand up from my comfy armchair and take a step towards the viewing screen.
Would you like me to take this? I ask.
Be my guest, Madelaine replies.
They step backward from the front as I step forward into it. We switch places near-seamlessly, and I lock eyes with Vie the moment I’m in control.
“That’s a fair question,” I begin, “but it costs you almost nothing to try out a new name and pronouns with close friends and see if it helps you feel any better. I’ve heard it’s a great idea to see a therapist who’s knowledgeable about trans issues, especially if you’re really worried about it being a different disorder. Above all, I think that if being called she, her, and Vielet makes you happy, you should chase that bliss.”
Vie looks deep in thought, but she’s nodding with that last statement.
“I guess it’s true that trying stuff out in secret isn’t hurting anybody,” she says slowly, “and believe me, hearing you both use Vielet and she/her for me has been, um, really really nice. I guess I’m just scared that all this happiness I feel about maybe being a girl is gonna disappear for whatever reason, like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, y’know?”
I nod. “I get that, believe me,” I say, “but Dawn and I just want to help you figure yourself out. No one here’s gonna hold anything against you for being yourself, whoever that is. Right now we’re just a couple of girls hanging out and chatting, no shoes dropping anywhere in sight.”
Vie stills for a moment, then smiles cautiously. “The rush at being included in ‘girls’ is never gonna get old, is it?” she says.
I grin back at her. “I sure hope not, I get so much out of that,” I reply.
"My dad Jay still gets euphoria from being gendered correctly," Dawn comments, "so I don't think either of you have anything to worry about on that front."
“That’s a relief, and that’s so cool that your dad is trans. I’ve never seen an older trans person before,” Vie remarks.
“You’ve never seen an older trans person that you know of,” Dawn counters.
I turn back to glance at her and she has a smile on her face. She winks at me and I feel my cheeks heat up with flusteredness. I grab hold of her left hand with my right again and quickly turn back to Vie, who has a knowing smile on her face.
“That’s fair,” Vielet says, shifting her attention from my embarrassment to Dawn, “I definitely didn’t know about Jay after all.”
There’s a moment of quiet.
“Next question,” Vie says, “would you mind if I talked to Sky about some of this stuff too? I’d kinda like to know more about the nonbinary side of things too.”
“Of course,” Dawn replies, “I’m sure they’d be thrilled to talk about it.”
“Out of curiosity, what do you want to ask them?” I ask.
“Well uh, I guess I’d like to know how they knew they were nonbinary, and like, how it feels to be nonbinary, stuff like that? I was always too shy to ask them before, but being accepted as Vielet by you all has been confidence-boosting.”
“I’m so glad it has been,” I say. “Those are good questions!”
“Yeah, that’s the kinda stuff they love to talk about,” Dawn says.
“Good,” Vielet says with relief.
Just then, my cell phone starts vibrating in my jeans’ pocket. I grimace and slide it out to check the caller ID.
Ice settles in my veins when I see who it is.
Oh shit, Maddie thinks.
“Fuck,” I say quietly, “it’s my mom. I’ll be right back?”
Vielet and Dawn both reassure me that it’s fine as I rise from the couch and make my way towards the nearest private space available: Dawn’s room. I open her orange-painted door and slip inside, leaving it slightly ajar behind me. I answer the phone with steady hands and hold it up to my ear.
Do you want me to do this? Maddie asks.
No, I got it, I reply.
“Hi mom,” I say aloud.
“Hi honey,” mom says cheerfully, “how are you?”
[ - content warning: deadnaming - ]
“I’m alright, still working on this project with D-, er, with Matt,” I say as pleasantly as I can manage.
[ - end cw - ]
“Yeah, about that,” mom says, her voice becoming stern, “We understand you need to work on this project, but you can’t just leave for such a long time without prior notice. Your father would like you home for dinner tomorrow night. And in the future, we expect to be much better informed about your whereabouts at all times. Are you at the Anderson’s now?” Our mother’s tones are clipped with tension.
“Sorry mom,” I say, thinking quickly through the possible escape routes I had. “Yes I am at the Anderson’s now. Um, I’ll see if I can do some extra work on the project tonight so I have time for dinner tomorrow, okay?”
“Good boy,” our mother says.
Internally I heave a sigh of relief.
Gross, Maddie remarks.
Yeah, I agree.
“Is that everything?” I ask aloud as politely as I can manage.
“Yes, you can get rid of me now. Good night honey, we love you,” mom says.
“Good night mom, love you too,” I say, pointedly ignoring the ‘you can get rid of me now’ part.
And then I hang up.
I feel my heart pounding in my chest, sweat sliding down my back, and a shortness in my breath; the clear physiological indicia of anxiety. I turn around in Dawn’s darkened room and make my way back to the light spilling around the edges of the door.
“How’d it go?” Dawn asks softly as soon as I poke my head out the door.
“Fine,” I say as I walk back over to the couch, “we have to go back home tomorrow night for dinner.”
Vielet gives me a quizzical look. “Who’s we?” she asks.
I feel the blood drain from my face. But in seconds, Maddie is smoothly sliding into the front and gently pushing me out of it.
“Me and my mom I mean, sorry, don’t know why I worded it like that,” they say.
I poof! into existence inside the viewing tree and get to my feet.
Nice save, I comment.
Thank you thank you, I’ll be here all your life, Madelaine says.
I send them a fraction of the surge of warm happy feelings that that statement gives me.
Vielet, for her part, looks troubled by our lie. “I see,” she says.
Then she glances from us to Dawn and back. “You know,” she says slowly, “you two are pretty much my closest friends right now. Heck, closer even than me and my folks. Thank you so much for talking to me and inviting me here in the first place.”
“Of course Vie,” Dawn says, scooting over towards her on the couch and offering her a side hug.
Vielet gratefully accepts the hug, and the two embrace as Maddie walks over and stands before them.
“You’re one of my closest friends too Vie,” Maddie says, and then they lean forward and down and give Dawn and Vie a big hug.
“You guys,” Dawn whines, “this is so cute!”
Maddie and Vielet laugh, and we all let go of the hug and settle back down onto the couch. Maddie and I now sit on the far right cushion that Dawn vacated to hug Vie, with Dawn on the middle cushion and Vie on the left.
We continue talking about all manner of transgender, feminist, and anti-capitalist topics late into the night.
End of
Chapter 28.e - Girl Talk
Comments
PurpleCatGirl
they're all so cute! the whole chapter's cute! except the mom, dealing with her's not cute but everything else is cute! <3 <3 <3
