VirtualGeisha
patreon
My journey with my body
🕑 Added 2020-02-16 10:03:19 +0000 UTCI’ve had this written up for many months now but it took me some confidence to post it as it’s very personal, I hope this gives you some insight and maybe helpful.
Hello everyone, I’ve recently made a lot of progress in regards of my body, especially the relationship I have with it. I wanted to share my journey in case it could somehow help others as well. However keep in mind everyone is different, this just happens to be the way I found worked for me! :)
I’d like to give some context on my childhood and the cultural setting I grew up in.
I grew up in a part of Asia where for women, anything above 50kg is considered “fat” and being athletic is unfeminine and seen as “big”. I did ballet, competed in sports and did martial arts growing up so I always tended to have a muscular build and wasn’t ever petite (by asian standards) despite having not more than 20% body fat until 17. Being mixed race there is also often associated with becoming a model/actress, so I was told by everyone growing up, “you should become a star!” but with a side note of “oh but your legs are too big, try to get them smaller.” Even my general practitioner told me to lose weight, despite medically being completely healthy and in a healthy weight range, that’s the extent a certain portrayal of women in media and what’s considered normal skews even a medical professional’s perception of what I “should” look like.
My father was mentally and physically abusive, so I’d get locked into my room and not fed whenever I didn’t fulfill expectations, when we did eat I was always told I am eating too much and could never eat in peace. My father even came into school to forbid the teachers from handing out sweets/snacks to me. I was constantly told I am too fat and he’d encourage my siblings (they’re younger than me and didn’t know better) to also call me names to make sure I’d always feel pressured to be as skinny as possible. I would make myself throw up and developed body dysmorphia. I wanted to look like the women I saw in the local media, without realizing that it would be unhealthy for myself with a different build and much more muscle to try look like them. Looking back, I’m also realizing that being underweight for women is the normal and ideal in that culture. I also had been raped as a child and this further led me to have problems with my self worth, as society told me that I was not as desirable as a woman because of it.
I began to do extreme diets around 15-16. I would lose several kilos a week, however I’d eventually gain weight back, and weigh even more than previously. It was also really hard on me mentally and I would cry just about every day out of hunger and self loathing. It became a vicious cycle, each time ending up heavier. Some of you may know this is called “yo-yo dieting.” My weight would end up fluctuating by 10kg a year, which was around 20% of my total body weight. I had a lot of stress and expectations to fulfill in my life (I was top in my grade for many years and was expected to keep this up), and often I would cope by eating, so even if I kept the weight off for almost a year, eventually some shit show would happen, or end of year exams, and food would be my consolation.
Ok so context and rambling aside, now to how I overcame all this haha.
Initially it was you guys! The fact that you considered me beautiful despite how I felt about myself really helped. Also the varied women I saw in the industry, from petite to BBWs, showed me many more unfiltered body types than what I saw growing up. I came to understand that everyone is beautiful in their own way, there will always be someone who thinks you’re dead drop gorgeous. On the other hand I also received occasional criticism for how I looked, but it was always varied, so I realized it’s impossible to make everyone happy. Thus this led myself to entering the next stage of my journey, seeking self acceptance and validation from within, rather than others. I began to think about what really mattered to me, and what is the real task of my “physical shell”, when I felt happiest in it. I recalled how much joy I had with being physically active, the exhilaration of running, dancing and how good it felt when my body was able to perform really cool things. It was a kind of peace with myself and self confidence I could never achieve when I judged from an aesthetics view point, a standard that I came to realize is incredibly inconsistent depending on who looked at me, even when it was with my own eyes. I also just wanted to not be in pain, be healthy and have energy for my everyday and a happy, motivated attitude.
I changed my lifestyle to incorporate weight lifting, this fixed the health issues I had developed from being inactive for a few years, as well as improving my mental health. I regained a lot of the muscle mass that I had lost, came to really enjoy it and now look forward to going to the gym! I care more about how much I can lift (but not overly, I just try to improve when possible) and that I go consistently, rather than the weight reading on my scale. After all, no one else sees that number besides me and who I decide to share it with. I’m now around the heaviest weight I have ever been, 61-63.5kg at 160cm tall, but I am so so proud of myself because I have been staying around this weight range for over a year now!!! This is the first time since 16 (so in 6 years!!!) that I have managed to do this, and I feel the most comfortable with my physical self than I have been in my entire life. Though my weight stayed around the same, I look really different from a year ago, since I’ve been slowly gaining muscle and losing fat. I have had to learn to be a lot more patient with my progress, going slower and more sustainably. When I eat intuitively I don’t over eat anymore, I feel like the relationship with my mind, body and stomach (lol) is much more in sync, I can follow my instincts with a sense of confidence and don’t feel the need to control and dictate what I eat. I never go to sleep feeling crazy hungry anymore or a sense of self loathing, I’m so at peace with myself in so many ways, it definitely helped changed my life perspective.
Now my body mantra is: If I treat my body right with food and exercise, that’s all one can really do, and how I look as a result, is just the body I am naturally meant to have. :)
Even if you know this, it may take some time to trust in yourself because society and people around you can be pressuring, being underweight for women can be seen as normal and “healthy” when reality it probably isn’t. Educate yourself from reliable sources, go to a doctor. I hope to be a sample of a healthy weight person with a muscular build and for other people to see that this is beautiful too and normalize it. It breaks my heart to think other people may be going through the same thing I did, I hope with my influence I can in some small way help.
Again, I am really grateful for all of you supporting me and giving me the opportunity to figure all this out about myself, as well as being able to remove toxic people from my life who were pulling me down. I am much more motivated, healthier and happier!
If there’s any other topics you’d like me to talk about, feel free to mention it in the comments!
Comments
Jeriel Burton
This was lovely. You are absolutely gorgeous. But it is not what others think of you, you do have to be internally content with your body. We are just here for validation. Different cultures portray the body differently. I have to say that you are a perfect specimen in my community. Truly beautiful inside and out. Keep the high spirits and positivity love. 😉
Niggler
The ballet really shows. One of my favorite models did ballet when she was younger, always had muscular legs with a bit of fat on them. I don't know exactly what you looked like when you were doing ballet as a kid but I'm sure you had similar bodies. They're pretty similar these days though. Both very attractive
stilettopimp
I will say more later, for now I simply say I LUV YA! I LUV your courage! XO
Muscles are shape and shape is beautiful, and as long as you stick to natural lifting you'll only increase your femininity. You are a stunner, no matter what you weigh. Sorry to hear you had to go through all that. But hey, you've come out of it stronger both mentally and physically.
liquidlion
As someone who's had their own struggles with weight this is really inspiration to hear. So glad you've been able to be happy with yourself and I hope that you'll continue to be successful in your journey. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.
Fab4t
You’re brave. You’re a survivor. And, yes, you’re beautiful.
Thank you, in the end, it's just important we are happy with ourselves
Wow thank you so much, it's brought me to tears. Sometimes I worry that my followers don't really know or understand my essence, but when I read this, I think you know me very well, as your words resemble those that my close friends tell me. You have an empathetic and reciprocative soul. I hope your family members who have had similar experiences will have a brighter future ahead. I wish you a wonderful day, please know that your words have brightened mine.
Thank you! In my case it was a lot due to my father always putting me down and pointing out my flaws from a very young age, it took a long time to undo all that mental abuse and to realize it's his opinion but not the full truth. I also used to be the biggest nerd so boys didn't look at me till I was a teen and came out of my shell a bit. Then I got frustrated with the attention, as I felt it was superficial and more about having sex, and since then focused more on how beautiful I can become on the inside and wished for someone to appreciate that instead. With my job I get to feel beautiful I guess, and get to live out my fantasy of being pretty and since people aren't complimenting to my face, I'm not as embarrassed by it haha.
Thank you Cid :) I have always wanted to work in a creative industry and I am so happy I get to live as my most authentic self now! I wanted to study art/photography/creative directing for uni and decided in the end not to go, but I got to do those things anyways with my work, I guess if you're meant to do something and passionate about it, there will always be a way :)
Thank you for coming along this journey with me for so long and supporting me!
I always say your beautiful the way you are if others can't handle it. It's their problem.
I know I’m not the first to say this but you are beautiful in more ways than one. You are absolutely stunning and your beauty goes beyond your physical appearance. Your heart, soul, and your voice (your music) are all conduits of that which shows the part of you that is “You.” Your journey though life hasn’t been easy, it’s terrible what you had to experience no one should have to deal with those things. But in spite of your hardships you found the strength to keep on going and it is inspiring. I’ve had family who experienced similar problems and my heart goes out for them just as it goes out to you. I hope great things come your way and continue to come your way. I look forward to your continued success and will support you however I can. And not matter what anyone says, you are and always have been beautiful. P.s. Sorry for this being lengthy. Lol
LordVamp
Thanks for sharing your journey, I’m always amazed to know there are so many gorgeous people out there that are not aware or reluctant to recognize how beautiful they are. So many people worry about a few extra pounds here or there, or have concerns about their nose or their ears or hands or whatever and don’t realize its such a small percentage of their whole self. I truly admire your courage, I hope your confidence keeps building up, please know you are beautiful no matter what. We love you!
Cid Valencia
You are gorgeous as you are, and you have a lot of followers and patrons because all of them think it. It has been a hard way but it has made you stronger and it has taken you to be a creative and beautiful artist!
That is very awesome that you shared this with us and that no matter what size anyone is that they are always beautiful in their own way. You are very inspiring to many people in sharing your story. Thank you so much for sharing with us and glad that you are you!!!
That's true I guess :) I don't expect to always be happy, but I am definitely in a much better place now and very grateful for it. My past and what I've endured helps to remind me what I am capable of overcoming, so whatever may come, I am ready to take on :)
Thank you so much for reading and telling me what you think! Sometimes I am scared to reveal more personal things about myself, but you telling me this really helps to give me confidence to share part of my story :) I wish you a good day <3
Everyone who subscribes to you is someone who likes you I hope you will always be happy
This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. Almost brought me to tears. It brings a whole new meaning to your photos! Thank you for sharing x
so happy to hear that you've overcome that and are feeling better, keep being awesome too!
Thank you so much!!! <3 Have a great day!
Thank you dear <3 I just hope that with my life I can be a positive energy :)
Holy shit, I cant imagine what it took to share so much of your personality and all the stuff that happened in your childhood with all of us. I feel genuinely happy that you are at the point you are now. I had a depressive phase for a few years myself and the release just feels so great, same as you described your relief after all that. Keep on being awesome! ;D
I'm so happy that you've found your self worth and find what makes you happy keep it up girl and keep being yourself ♥️♥️♥️
Phazin Kine
You an inspiration!
For sure ❤️❤️❤️ Took me so long to get to this point, so I hope this message can help those who may need it.
Icematt12
You said it yourself - you're healthy and happy. That's what matters most. Another opinion is that I always say actions speak louder than words. So I say each subscriber you have is quite a compliment.
