SolSombraYSoldados
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Early Draft Briana Changes
🕑 Added 2022-09-27 19:27:35 +0000 UTCHere's an example of the changes that are coming to Baby Briana. Below is a 600ish word snippet from the first therapeutic conversation between Veronica and Briana. Original version first, then the revised draft. The final draft may get further tweaking.
It's the same story, but I think the flow and character voice is improved. Next week - teaser about some of the book's plot changes.
Thursday of next week - You'll be able to get your hands on the book!
Original
“I see.” Veronica said, looking the sodden pullup over. Briana’s face flamed again, the embarrassment was waking her up and making her want to crawl under the covers at the same time. “Go ahead and sit down, Briana.”
“I’ll get the chair wet again.” Briana protested.
“Briana.” Veronica looked up into Briana’s eyes. “Sit please.”
Briana pouted and sat. The sun was barely up, it was way too early to be awake, especially on a Saturday.
“Now, how do you feel this morning?”
“Sleepy.” Briana said sourly.
“And a little bratty too?” Veronica smirked. “That’s a good sign actually. It means you’re letting go a little, letting yourself be vulnerable.”
“Not that it helped.” Briana sighed, pointing to her crotch.
“You have to expect that this won’t help right away. In fact, it will quite likely get worse before it gets better.”
“Worse? What worse could happen than waking up wet every morning?” Briana gave Veronica a horrified look.
“You may see other symptoms.” Veronica said. “You’ve been under a lot of stress for more than a month, and never really had a solid foundation before that. I want you to know that that’s natural, and it doesn’t mean you should give up. You’ve had months of the problem, and only a day of the cure.”
“Potential cure.” Briana said.
“Yes, but it’s the one we’ve got right now so let’s give it a shot.” Veronica said crisply.
“I wish you could hypnotize me and fix it that way.” Briana pouted.
“That doesn’t really work. I do know how to hypnotize people though, it’s a good party trick. We can do that if you want when it’s my turn to watch you in the evening.”
The end of Veronica’s last sentence was breathtakingly infantilizing. Briana swallowed nervously and squirmed in her pullup. A little puddle collected on the seat under her, but she couldn’t make herself stop.
“Let’s finish off the morning evaluation.” Veronica said. “You’re fidgeting a lot, which you also did yesterday. Are you uncomfortable in the pullup? Is it painful in any way?”
“It’s embarrassing.” Briana ducked her head, feeling a fresh wave of shame.
“But physically it doesn’t bother you much.” Veronica said. “You’ve felt embarrassed every morning that you woke up wet?”
“She doesn’t have to say it like I’m a baby.” Briana stared straight down at her thighs. “Yes, of course.”
“What’s important is that kind of embarrassment is strong negative feedback. Your subconscious is trying to get something that feels important enough to bring on that much embarrassment.” Veronica lifted Briana’s chin. “How did you feel yesterday, with everyone taking some responsibility for you? We were very invasive.”
“It was really nice.” Briana whispered. “I was really happy.”
“Are you worried that we’ll stop doing that if you stop waking up wet?” Veronica asked.
That idea hadn’t even occurred to Briana. The thought shot a spike of ice into her chest.
“Oh, I’m sorry sweetheart.” Veronica said, stroking Briana’s cheek. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I want to reassure you that we’ll help you for as long as you need.”
Briana nodded, her heart still pounding. Already feeling vulnerable freed her to shamelessly lean her cheek against Veronica’s hand.
“Do you want to sit on my lap again?” Veronica asked.
“Oh uh, that’s okay. I’ll get your dress all wet.” Briana smiled sadly. “I’ll clean the chair when we’re done.”
“I have a lot of these plain black dresses.” Veronica said, smoothing out her skirt and patting her lap. “Come here sweetie.”
Hesitantly, Briana stood. She sidled close to Veronica, giving her a chance to see the glistening wet surface of the pullup and the little puddle on the chair. She melted into Veronica when she was pulled close anyway, tucking her head into Veronica’s neck.
Revised
“Go ahead and sit down, Briana.”
“I’ll get the chair wet again.”
“Briana.” Veronica looked Briana’s in the eye. “Sit please.”
Briana pouted and sat. The sun was barely up, it was way too early to be awake, especially on a Saturday.
“Now, how do you feel this morning?”
“Sleepy,” Briana said sourly.
“And a little bratty too? That’s a good sign actually. It means you’re letting go a little, letting yourself be vulnerable.”
“Not that it helped.” Briana pointed to her crotch.
“You have to expect that this won’t help right away. In fact, it will likely get worse before it gets better.”
“Worse? What’s worse than waking up wet every morning?” Briana gave Veronica a horrified look.
“You may see other symptoms.” Veronica said. “You’ve been under a lot of stress for more than a month, and never really had a solid foundation before that. You’ve had months of the problem, and only a day of the cure.”
“Potential cure.”
“Yes, but it’s the cure we’ve got right now so let’s give it a shot,” Veronica said crisply.
“I wish you could hypnotize me and fix it that way,” Briana said through a pout.
“Hypnosis isn’t much of a clinical tool. I do know how to hypnotize people though, it’s a good party trick. We can play with hypnosis if you want, when it’s my turn to watch you in the evening.”
The end of Veronica’s last sentence was breathtakingly infantilizing. Briana swallowed nervously and squirmed in her pullup. A little puddle collected on the seat under her. It was humiliating to be wetting the chair, but she couldn’t make herself stop.
“Let’s finish off the morning evaluation,” Veronica said. “You’re fidgeting a lot, which you also did yesterday. Are you uncomfortable in the pullup? Is it painful in any way?”
“It’s embarrassing.” Briana ducked her head, feeling a fresh wave of shame.
“But physically it doesn’t bother you much. You’ve felt embarrassed every morning that you woke up wet, correct?”
She doesn’t have to say it like I’m a baby.
Briana stared straight down at her thighs. “Yes, of course.”
“What’s important, is that embarrassment is strong negative feedback for you emotional system. Your subconscious is processing something important enough to bring severe embarrassment.”
Veronica lifted Briana’s chin. “How did you feel yesterday, with everyone taking some responsibility for you? We were very invasive.”
“It was really nice,” Briana whispered. “I was really happy.”
“Are you worried that we’ll stop doing that if you stop waking up wet?” Veronica asked.
That idea hadn’t occurred to Briana. Imagining losing her support system shot a spike of ice into Briana’s chest. She flinched away from Veronica’s grasp in a panic.
“Oh! I’m sorry sweetheart,” Veronica said, putting a hand reassuringly on Briana’s knee. “I didn’t mean to scare you. Quite the opposite, in fact. I wanted to reassure you that we’ll help you for as long as you need.”
Briana nodded, though her heart still pounded. She was feeling vulnerable enough to put her hand on Veronica’s hand, despite how needy it made her look.
“Do you want to sit on my lap again?”
“Oh uh, no. That’s okay. I’d get your dress all wet.”
Briana forced a sad smile. “I’ll clean the chair when we’re done.”
“I have a lot of these plain black dresses.” Veronica smoothed out her skirt and patted her lap. “Come here sweetie.”
Hesitantly, Briana stood. She sidled close to Veronica. She wanted her roommate to have a chance to see the glistening surface of the pullup, the puddle on the chair. Briana melted into Veronica when she was embraced despite her soiled state. Wanting as much closeness as possible, she tucked her head into the curve of Veronica’s neck.
Comments
The parental narrator was in a hurry the first time. They're taking more time and care this time around. :) Also they had more time to think about the story and fixed some bits that were weird. :D
Reading this again feels like reliving a childhood memory of going to Disneyland and then having a parent retell it. It may not be exactly how one remembered it but it is still magical
