Archie Bongiovanni
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Unhinged Draft
🕑 Added 2023-06-19 21:56:21 +0000 UTCHello! It's been a hot minute. I've been working hard on my script for Unhinged, my next graphic novel. It's been slow going and tbh quite stressful! I went from feeling very solid and finished with this comic to feeling like it needed a LOT of work. Previous feedback was overwhelmingly positive but a few industry professionals critiqued it at the start of the year which made me realize it wasn't nearly as completed as I first thought.
Working on this script has been a humbling experience and it's still not done. A few months ago I sent in a draft (finally, long overdue) to my editors and agent so I could get more feedback. It's been re-written and revised at least three times and I know it's not done yet! My confidence with this comic that I was previously thrilled to draw has been shaken and I am having a harder time connecting with the characters and story like I once did.
Here's the current start of the comic in its most recent draft. While I'm not sure it's the smartest to start with this scene, I thought it showcased Laura's way of dealing with issues. I also included some sketches of the three main characters. I have a feeling that my editors might think it's too crass/intense of a scene to start with.
Thanks for all your support! It means the world and is incredibly useful as I'm several months behind on the deadlines for this comic (oops). Let me know whatcha think!
*****
Page 1
PANEL ONE: Laura’s face, smiling,
LAURA: Hey all!
PANEL TWO: Laura zoomed out, facing the readers.
LAURA: It’s your favorite long-hair butch Laura here!
PANEL THREE: Readers can see the thumb over the phone, Laura’s smiling face zoomed in.
LAURA:Checking in on seeing how all my #lesbianwarriors are doing today.
PANEL FOUR: A shot of Laura looking down, an unflattering shot. The face we all make when looking down at our phone. She looks tired. She’s on a bus.
LAURA from the phone: If you’re feeling overwhelmed or alone, just remember that I’ve got your back.
BUS DRIVER off panel: Margaret Street.
Page 2
PANEL ONE: The bus driver looking up at their mirror back at Laura. Startled, she sits up abruptly, little hearts popping up from her phone.
BUS DRIVER: I said Margaret Street, Laura.
LAURA: Shit!
PANEL TWO: Laura carrying a backpack as she exits the bus, waves at the driver.
LAURA: Thanks Steve.
STEVE THE BUS DRIVER: See you tomorrow.
PANEL THREE: Laura exiting the bus in Squarebanks. A wooden lodge building with a few other touristy spots next door like Alaska Gifts And Gadgets, Squarebanks Camera Repair and The Walrus Cafe line the streets. It’s not a city-city in Squarebanks. Spruce and birch trees line the streets.
Page 3
PANEL ONE: Laura kicking a rock, walking, her phone still in her hand.
PANEL TWO: A close up of the phone in her hand, a smiling Laura peers out, hearts and likes and positive comments line the side of the screen.
PANEL THREE: Laura’s profile, a truck passes her, a man in the passenger seat has his arm out the window smoking speaks.
MAN: Hey!
PANEL FOUR: The back of Laura’s head in the foreground, the man turns to the driver and speaks.
MAN: George, stop driving for a sec.
PANEL FIVE: The same as above but the man turns his head back to face Laura.
MAN: Hey sexy, you free tonight?
Page 4
PANEL ONE: A closer shot of the man.
MAN: Whadda say? Wanna grab a drink later?
PANEL TWO-FOUR: close up of what Laura is looking at. His hand holding the cigarette. His chin hair. His hair over his forehead.
PANEL FIVE: A long thin panel under the three above of just Laura’s eyes and flushed face.
Page 5
PANEL ONE: Laura blushing, pointing to herself. She’s in a sweatshirt that has a rainbow and I’M GAY on it.
LAURA: U-um…Are you talking to me?
PANEL TWO: The man squinting.
PANEL THREE: A zoomed in shot of Laura’s hand pointing to herself and her sweatshirt behind it.
PANEL FOUR: The man sighs and leans away.
MAN: Should have known you were a fuckin’ dyke.
Page 6
PANEL ONE: The man’s face in the foreground, Laura still standing on the sidewalk shocked.
MAN: Let’s get outta here.
PANEL TWO: The truck starts to turn around, the man yelling out of the car.
MAN: Ugly ass faggot!
PANEL THREE: Laura’s head quickly turns as the car drives away.
PANEL FOUR: Laura looking forward towards readers again, shoulders tight, squeezing her phone, the hearts coming out of it appear smaller.
Page 7
PANEL ONE: An outside shot of The Alaska Bird Observatory as Laura approaches.
PANEL TWO: She’s shaken, moving forward towards the shop.
PANEL THREE: Her inside the shop, against the door, breathing heavily.
Page 8
PANEL ONE: Aurora peers up from in front of the main counter. Readers can see what is clearly a gift shop. Birds and books line the wall, along with some taxidermied birds and posters with migration and bird facts.
Aurora: Morning Laura. Oh, you okay?
PANEL TWO: Laura shaken and tries to compose herself.
LAURA: Um yeah…I just-It’s just…
PANEL THREE: there’s a pause as Laura tries to figure out what to say.
PANEL FOUR: Laura dramatically shifts moods. She holds her phone out in front of her, a smiling image of herself taking up most of the screen.
LAURA: My viewership is down 20% from last week!
Page 9
PANEL ONE: Aurora making a mocking face of concern.
AURORA: Oh no, is your luxurious life as a Clickster influencer doing sponsored posts for rainbow t-shirts becoming an unreliable source of income?
PANEL TWO: Laura plopping her backpack behind her chair.
LAURA: Laugh all you want, but I’m basically a gay icon.
PANEL THREE: Aurora holds up a bag of owl pellets. Laura’s ‘yay’ is small and sarcastic.
AURORA: At least you have ample time to dissect the new bag of owl pellets.
LAURA: yay.
Page 10
PANEL ONE: Laura peering down above some owl pellets holding tweezers.
LAURA: At this rate, we’ll have found the bones of every mouse eaten within the surrounding forty miles.
PANEL TWO: Laura’s hands holding tweezers separating bones and hair in the dust pile. Readers can see the desk and Aurora leaning over it. On the desk the shop hours posted, a bag labeled owl pellets and smaller bags of bones and hair and rodent skulls. A clipboard on the table tallying the type of bones Laura pulls out from the pellets and the location where the batch of pellets was found.
AURORA: Listen, owls can’t research themselves, that’s why we have to do it for them.
PANEL THREE: Laura coughs as the dust from the pellets rises into her face as she talks.
LAURA: Right, thank god for the Alaska Bird Observatory, bird research hub and spunky gift shop for aimless wandering tourists.
Page 11
PANEL ONE: Behind and above shot of Aurora peering over at the desk where Laura is working. Aurora is in khakis.
AURORA: How’d we do yesterday?
PANEL TWO: Laura, turning away from the readers where a clipboard hangs on the wall that reads CUSTOMERS with three tick marks under it.
PANEL THREE: Laura turning back to Aurora/faces the frame.
LAURA: Three customers.
AURORA: Thank god for state funding.
Page 12
PANEL ONE: Laura waving her hand dramatically
LAURA: My lungs need a break from breathing in poop dust.
PANEL TWO: A small panel of Laura’s hopeful face.
LAURA: Can I go home early?
PANEL THREE: A small panel of Aurora looking unamused.
PANEL FOUR: Laura serious face, a small panel.
LAURA: Okay. Fair enough.
PANEL FIVE: Aurora grabbing a box, turning to leave.
AURORA: I’m going to take these samples to the lab, I’ll be back tomorrow.
PANEL SIX: She turns back, readers see Laura behind her.
AURORA: You sure you're okay?
Page 13
PANEL ONE: Laura holding up at a shrew bone with her tweezers.
LAURA: Yeah. I’m fine.
PANEL TWO: Laura facing away from readers watching Aurora leave.
PANEL THREE: Laura clenching her eyes shut, leaning over, her chest to her knees as she breaths out slowly.
PANEL FOUR: Laura looks up slightly, her phone on the table. She’s shaken.
