alexandergrace
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Title: I feel like I have stagnated in my social development and am becoming bitter towards dating due to indulging in too much Red Pill
🕑 Added 2019-06-18 01:43:11 +0000 UTC
Disclaimer: This is going to be a long story and I hope you put it on your podcast as I'd love to listen to your raw thoughts.
Dear Alexander,
Hello from Melbourne, Australia! I have watched most of your videos and podcasts and have come to extremely appreciate what you do, so thank you for that. But since watching your, TRP and indulging in some toxic MGTOW
content this has turned my mindset into a bit of a bitter one, though I am quite far from watching one black pill video and going full MGTOW I feel like I have regressed. However this is absolutely not your or TRP's fault as there is
more to this and which is why I write to you today. Let's track this from the beginning.
I come from a extremely conservative Islamic family and background (I am brown skinned), born and raised in Australia though thankfully. My childhood was definitely not a happy one; It consisted of being physically and mentally abused by my mother until I was 12, where I tried to run away by telling my high school what she was doing to me. This led to Child Services being involved and visiting my home, however my parents completely lied to their faces and denied it. This plan also completely backfired on me because that day I packed some clothes, all the money I had and a camera that wasn't mine. I did this as I was confident I would get to leave straight away and be put in a foster home (according to one of the kids at school who sold me the idea of a foster home) but my parents thought I wanted to steal the things I took and that I lied to the school so they could get me out.... It completely traumatized me that my parents could think in such a twisted and oblivious way. Throughout my childhood I was also forced to practice Islam against my will, first at a mosque every Saturday with a tutor, then we moved to online tutoring, where I cried silent tears most of the sessions, this continued until I was 16. I also want to give some quick context of the space I grew up in, for most of my life I lived in a 2 bedroom unit with 6 of us living in there, I shared a room with my 2 siblings, this was not good for my mental health as I did not have a private space of my own and did most of my crying in the bathroom when life was really shit. But we've recently moved into a new house where i finally have my own room.
Let me tell you about my first relationship, I got into it at 16 with a Caucasian girl whom I met at my first job. We hit it off working one night with some great laughs and ended up hanging out 2-3 times outside of work after that. Then one night while texting, SHE sneakily turned the conversation into being girlfriend/boyfriend and I happily agreed. I still remember the butterflies :). However three months into the relationship (January 2016) she ended up cheating on me. She was throwing a party one weekend while her parents were out of town and invited me to come. I particularly felt down on the night that she invited me and lied to her that I couldn't come because my parents said no, but truthfully I didn't have the emotional capacity to be interrogated about where I was going, how I was getting there, what time dad would pick me up, etc (Muslim parents... yuck). My parents didn't even know I had a girlfriend for the first 7 months of the relationship, so I would've had to lie that it was a mate's party. She got angry with me and begged me to keep trying, but I ended up taking a shift for another girl that night (so that she could go to the party) and so I now had an excuse to not go. After I finish work on the night of the party I have many snapchats from her and on her story on my phone, they consist of her dancing, smoking many cigarettes and drinking beyond her limit. My anxiety got collectively worse with each snap I viewed and I started assuming the worst. I ended up sitting outside of work with a friend at 10 PM that night while she was trying to call me about 10 times, I didn't want to pick up because somehow I knew there was going to be bad news. Later that night when I get home I call her and she's crying to me on the phone and tells me she did something bad, I told her I would come over tomorrow morning and she should tell me then. I stayed up that night deep into the AM hours listening to a sad song on repeat as my anxiety wouldn't let me sleep, she had also posted another snap on her story going for a Maccas run, which destroyed me considering what she did. My dad dropped me off at work the next morning as I lied to him that I was starting earlier than usual but ended up taking the bus to hers. She ends up telling me she made out/kissed 7 guys and girls... at first I didn't react or explode, but i freaked out internally. I asked her if she took anyone upstairs and she freaked out and said no as she cried. While writing this I'm not sure if she was telling me the truth. I held her as she cried but was still in shock. I didn't say explicitly to her whether I was going to stay or breakup with her, in that moment, but on the way to work my mind was mostly made up to forgive her (I don't remember why) even as I was crying on the bus. When I got to work I completely broke down in front of my workmates and explained what happened. I was a mess for the following weekend and we met up to talk. I ended up staying.... Fast forward 4 months with a lot of trust issues and some panic attacks on my end but we were working on it. Until one night she goes to a party which I skip out on and I'm told she was holding hands with another guy sitting on the roof. (My memory is hazy here) But she confirmed this to be true, that she had a lot to drink. However according to my source she was "talking shit about me", apparently some negative things about our relationship, though Im not sure how accurate that is. This nonetheless did nightmares for my trust and anxiety of her in ANY party like situation. Around this time we start having sex (7 months into the relationship... I know), I was fine to wait this long as she wasn't ready and we were already doing everything from 1st to third base. This made the relationship so much better, though we still had fights around me seeing her more often ( I could only see her once a week as my parents hated me going out) and other things. Once we hit our 1.2 year mark she told me she wasn't feeling it. We decided to try and work on it by going on a special date near our favourite dog park, though as soon as I saw her on that morning my gut told me something was off. The date went badly at first as she didn't want to into to the special cafe we've always wanted to go to because "there's too many people in there", something to do with anxiety i suppose. Long story short she tells me later that night that she definitely wasn't feeling our date and we broke up on the phone right there. For a long time I thought it was a mutual breakup but I realised she broke up with me. We lasted 1.2 years. I don't regret staying in the relationship after she cheated as I learned so many more lessons after that, but still should've left. I definitely should've checked out after the hand holding situation though.
Fast forward 1 year (March 2017) and I run away from home at 17 years old (While I was in my final year of high school). I had mentally broken down at a party where I had too much to drink, most of my friends saw my very dark episode and it still shames me to this day the way I freaked out. I ran away as I was tired of practicing Islam and having CONSTANT fights with my mother. Long story short I couch surfed for three months, then got accepted into a crisis accommodation centre for 1 month and then lived in a share house for roughly 8 months. All the while my parents kept on preying guilt on me and shaming me to come back home (More on this later). Living in the real world opened my eyes to so many things but isolated me and made it hard for me to relate to people my age at that time. After my breakup I had focused very much on self improvement, started reading some books and hit the gym. My self awareness expanded exponentially. I was getting better and better until I ran out of savings to live on. At this time my dad kept on shaming me so hard into coming back, his reasons were, and I explicitly quote him: "Look how you've torn apart our family, everyone is depressed. Think of your siblings, you might give them ideas to become like you. You're slowly killing your mother, she has to get monthly injections for her arthritis and you're putting her through more pain. The family needs to be united together, how will our friends and extended family look at us? You've already wasted 1 year by getting a trash score in high school and not even getting into a Bachelor's degree. We can work on our issues as long as you come back." I was disgusted at the man's morality at that time as all he could care about was his reputation and not about his son. He had already said I wasn't his son when he caught my ex and I in a park down the street from our house so these words didn't hit me as hard this time. This was the same man who I saw cry for the first time in front of me when he said he didn't know where he went wrong while I was couch surfing. I ended up returning home (March 2018) for the financial practicalities and vowed to myself I would move out in some years. My parents attitudes hadn't changed as Mum was still toxic in her complaining every single day. But i still focused on self improvement, read some more books, got more serious in the gym, tried to get into some casual sex but failed miserably as I didn't even try (didn't cold approach, didn't make bold moves, etc). After a while I gave up on the casual sex pursuit as I really just craved intimacy, however I didn't get into a relationship as I was very passive about it, I was keen... but again wasn't a fan of/too pussy to cold approach.
Fast forward another year and 3 months later to present day where I am 19 years old. I have gained a fair bit of muscle (still have a long way to go though), become very self aware, work a decent job where I pull in at least $440 a week which is helping me build my savings account and I have some high quality friends. I get some female attention even though I'm 5"5', especially when I let my facial hair grow out past stubble. My ex even contacted me and we got into a relationship after we did friends with benefits for a while. I didn't want to lead her on as I knew she liked me. Plus she had emotionally matured so she was a bit more attractive to me. We dated for some weeks but I ended up breaking up after another 3 weeks as I didn't approve of her lifestyle choices and she wasn't into some sort of fitness which is a quality i look for. I guess this is positive in a way as I know what my standards are now and speaks volumes about how far I've come. But I still miss her as we were intimate and she was the only one that understood my situation, our sexual chemistry was also great. We had sex every time I came over and resumed some of our old kinks (such as spanking and her calling me daddy). On the day I go to break up with her she starts crying in the car as I help her run an errand, she doesn't tell me why she's crying. Once we get back to hers she's still crying and I break it to her. An hour later when Im at the gym she texts me saying "I'm glad you came out and said it today, I was crying because I lost my job and best friends yesterday", which hit me like a fucking rock. I thought it would be quick to get over her but I find myself fantasising about her when I masturbate quite a lot. I don't watch porn anymore for self improvement reasons hence why I do it to my thoughts, so much better.
Fast forward a few weeks, coming home the day after my best friend's 21st I realised I had been bitter about dating for a while. This realisation came about because one of my high quality friends (6 foot, very muscular, some would call him a chad) bought his new girlfriend and she was a stunner in her own way. It pissed me off because my best friend said no +1's were allowed when I asked him if I could bring my ex a few weeks before the party. But different rules applied to this guy? I didn't bother introducing myself to her for mainly that reason but I felt bad about it later. I also hadn't had a drink since January (2019) for self improvement reasons so drinking that evening probably affected my mindset. My best friend has also recently gotten into a new relationship, where I met her that night. She was absolutely lovely but It only added to my sad envy, seeing them display public affection. It made me realise how much of an emotional black hole there is in me, since I have turned away from emotional support from my parents (as there is a bit of a language barrier as I can't speak fluent hindi and they dont understand my problems) this leaves me to crave intense emotional intimacy and oxytocin that comes from sex and cuddling in a monogamous relationship. To fill this void I artificially motivate myself to keep on being extremely self disciplined every day, this stresses me out and overwhelms me and often I barely get much done. But I do this, sadly, by watching Marvel motivation videos (such as this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HieCWTypjC0&list=WL&index=4). For that particular video I use Captain America as a role model as he represents stoic values and to do the righteous thing in a great masculine frame. Listening to these helps me lift harder in and out of the gym as I apply the quotes to the context of my own life. I'm not sure whether you'll find this sad or not but I find it shameful admitting it to you that I've come to this. Anyway, while driving back my uncle calls me asking where I am, and to cut another long story short I hate him as he is a freeloader that lives with us and contributes little to the family. He always asks me favours that he could do himself if he figured them out and my Mum constantly berates him, but she won't kick him out as its morally wrong according to her, see the irony here?... So i hate every interaction I have with him as he is a huge waste of fucking space. I hung up on him angrily and started to cry in the car as I realised I can't escape my family problems, that there's a fundamental crippling depressive feeling in me that has been building up for years. In that moment I promised myself I'd stop denying myself the help I actually needed and self improving could only take me so far.
So here I am a week later, I've started taking anti depressants for 4 days now, though the side effects are horrible I'm willing to go through it. I'm also seeking out a psychiatrist to see what I really need. I know that was a really long story but I feel like you needed to know all the context behind what I am right now.
It is still logistically impossible for me to be in a relationship as I can never bring a girl home, can't tell my parents about her or have her meet them. It would be pretty difficult to find a girl who was comfortable with that in the long term (though I plan to not get married), do you think i should still try to pursue a relationship or focus on moving out?. Thought I know I don't need a relationship as I have spent 2 years single and am comfortable with being alone (being introverted helps) I can't help but crave it. There's also a shame that comes with it, for not knowing how to attract girls, though I am very comfortable with talking to them and getting to know them (I basically just ask new people I meet a bunch of questions about themselves, people love to talk about themselves). So i feel that maybe I've stagnated at this point. I've got high quality male friends and one high quality female friend but I haven't met anyone through them so far. I am starting at La Trobe next semester in my dream course so I'm hoping that'll socially help me, but i have no clue where to start.
In regards with antidepressants or psychological treatment, as far as I know, I understand that you are not a medical professional so I will take any advice at my own discretion.
Apologies if this seems like a cry for help, because it is. Curious to hear your thoughts and hope this makes it to the podcast.
(Please keep my name anonymous)
Kind regards,
Rai
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Comments
Alexander Grace
Hey Rai, glad to know you found the response again :) I have changed my style of Patreon content now so I probably won't do a follow up but if you wanted to chat to me, we could always have a skype consultation?
Hey, so i'm the owner of the e-mail written above and am so glad I found your response again. I'm gonna have another listen through and am thinking of giving an update of my life since then (which has improved immensely). Would you be interested in responding to that @Alexander?
That's a pretty harsh childhood. I know Islam very well. Not all Islamic households are like that. Though the only thing which is completely unacceptable in Islam is having a relationship with a girl whom you're not married to. In Islam, sex can is only accessible in marital relationships. A husband and a wife. Outside of that is considered as fornication.
Alexander Grace
Thank you for you kind words and your support
you are doing a great job, keep it up :)
