alexandergrace
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Erectile Dysfunction
🕑 Added 2020-02-06 00:59:59 +0000 UTCEven though I'm not an expert when I saw this post I thought that it would be a good opportunity to talk about erectile dysfunction. I don't know a lot about the various medications that are available to treat erectile dysfunction so if this is something that you're suffering from I would encourage you to speak to a qualified professional. If it's a genuine medical problem then you need to treat it like you would any other body parts that is not performing how it is meant to.
From my understanding most erectile dysfunction is not biological but psychological. In the example of this man, I would strongly advise against him using medication to treat it. He even said so at the beginning that he suffers from hardcore sexual anxiety. That is the mystery solved. His anxiety is the source of his erectile dysfunction.
In order to achieve an erection you need to be feeling calm and safe. If you are scared or anxious and your body feels like it is in danger it's difficult to prioritise sexual arousal because of the sensation that you need to protect yourself against attack. When anxiety is the underlying reason for your erectile dysfunction, the only real cure is to deal with the anxiety directly either by self-reflection or to go and see a professional therapist.
For this man in particular I think it is important to know that at 26 years old he's still a virgin. I'm not shaming you if you are also 26 are older and have not lost your virginity. It could just be that your life hasn't turned out that way but it is a little bit older than usual and so I'm sure he is feeling a lot of pressure with regards to losing his virginity. That is undoubtedly contributing towards his anxiety.
For further proof of his anxiety, consider that he didn't even approach this girl. She approached him. Since she is beautiful, I imagine that he is dealing with a lot of internal worth issues. Asking himself questions like, do I deserve this girl? It sounds strange but from the perspective of evolutionary psychology, when you genuinely feel unworthy of a girl you will feel nervous that by being with her you are leaving yourself vulnerable to attack. In the back of your mind you might be thinking that there is no way that this beautiful woman has not already partnered up with some superior specimen. Some alpha male. If I'm having sex with her and he comes along and find me with his girl he's going to beat me up.
If this is his anxiety he needs to get over it quickly. At it's core, sex is an expression of self esteem. Confident, calm, masculine men are less likely to have erection issues then feminine, depressed, low self-esteem men.
Now we cannot discount the fact that all of this sexual stuff is new to him and that's going to contribute a large amount of his nerves. The truth is that you need to have sex a few times before you realize that it's natural and that it's no big deal. There are probably a lot of guys out there who when trying to lose their virginity succumbed to pressure anxiety and lost their erections. That experience is actually normal. Something of a rite of passage. Usually though you're 16 and your girlfriend is also 16. Neither of you really know what you're doing so you just sort of fumble around together and hopefully have a laugh about it. It's quite a different experience when you're 26 years old and she is a beautiful girl, probably very experienced. There's a lot more added pressure in a situation like that.
The way out of that pressure is always to be honest. Even if you're embarrassed or it feels shameful the truth is that you need to tell her that you are a virgin. Remember what I said earlier about how necessary it is to feel safe in order to get an erection. Well it is hard to feel safe if you're keeping secrets from somebody. If you're not being honest. The way to reclaim your inner peace and if you're safe again is to share your secrets. To share your shame with somebody who loves and cares about you because their acceptance is what's going to make you feel safe again. At that point the quality of the sex goes up so much more. Nobody is going to enjoy having sex with somebody if you feel like you've tricked them. If you feel like you've manipulated them or it that you're getting away with something sneaky. You want to have sex with the feeling that you have earned it.
So that is my advice. Don't go on drugs. Avoid medication altogether. He's already on the right path by stopping watching the pornography. At the point just before having sex you want your penis to be a maximal stimulation preparedness and that means avoiding the pornography for a time. Tell her the truth about being a virgin and be honest with her. Ask if she will start you off with a blowjob or a handjob. There's going to be a lot more stimulation on your cock when you're not wearing a condom which helps maintaining an erection.
The most important thing is always communication. Keep talking, keep talking and then keep on talking. Keep sharing until there is no more pressure and you're feeling like you're not holding anything back. Obviously this isn't going to work with a low quality girl or during a one-night stand. This is advice for people who genuinely like each other and are in a committed relationship. To high-quality people. You want to find a girl who is willing to go on that journey with you.
Comments
I agree with the advice to avoid the blue pills generally, and focus on self esteem, anxiety etc but there is one particular use case I do think they're useful for re psychological ED - cialis daily (tadalafil). Rather than take a pill before expecting (hoping for ?) sexual activity, and the hit and miss efficacy, esp with Viagra, due to stomach contents, alcohol levels, etc....you take a low dose daily, more like a prophylactic approach. This removes a lot of the inconsistency of efficacy and also allows for more flexibility and spontaneity...and these factors are a big part of the feedback loop that makes performance anxiety so difficult to overcome. Just knowing that you're always ready and know what you can expect really helps break that loop feel more confident and that leads to the successful outcomes needed to lower anxiety and regain some self esteem.
My advice would be for them to sleep together. Being in one bed with the girl - he will get more comfortable with the fact that they are in bed together, that they are touchig and the like. Having pillow talks can very easily transform into sex, because there is not the pressure "now we are about to have sex". Also, how about having sex first thing in the morning.
My advice would be focus on getting her off. Your advice of getting her to give you a blowjob, handjobs is solid advice but still puts the "pressure" on him staying hard etc. If you can get her to cum at least once, preferably more than once, everything after that is entirely surplus... theres no need for him to "perform", just have a good time. Mutual mastabation might not be a bad idea either. Plenty of options before drugs!
Somewhat of the same situation happened to me [M18 year old at the time]; I started seeing a F22 and each time we had sex I couldn't achieve an erection. I was still having a FWB [F18] relation and had absolutely no trouble "getting it up" with her. The difference of experience and age with my new partner was very intimidating. We had sex more than 10 times without me being able to stay hard and cum (the girl can start feeling as if there's something wrong with her, but that's another story). The problem at first was the fact that I was intimidated by her but then it was the anxiety of not being able to perform. "I won't be able to stay hard.. the last 5 times it didn't work". I tried medication once (told her) and together with self-reflection, it helped me get past the performance anxiety. In short, from my experience medication such as viagra can help even if the problem is psychological and I agree communication is KEY!!
