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Cycle 6: Failed Idol
🕑 Added 2024-11-10 09:24:58 +0000 UTC
"Hey Lilika, why are you daydreaming? Will you teach me or not?" said Shella. Without realizing it, in the midst of my reverie, I had returned to 27 April. I looked at Shella with sadness. I wanted to cry and pour out all my feelings to her. The suffering and failures I had experienced. But it was all in vain; Shella was now just a sixth-grade elementary school student. She didn't know what I had experienced.
I left Shella, who was confused, and returned to class. I crossed my arms on the desk as if preparing to sleep in class. With empty eyes, I only looked at the floor beneath my desk in sadness. I cried silently, just like in my previous life. However, this time, the sadness was directed at myself. I had never felt such profound sadness—not due to losing someone but because of a deep failure. Until this moment, Dika's gaze when he was led into prison was still vivid in my mind. I no longer had a friend to share my experiences with. If I were to tell someone like Shella or Elin, they might laugh at me upon learning that I had repeated this life six times.
RING!
The bell rang, signaling that class had started. I quickly wiped my tears, took a deep breath, and sat neatly, forcing my facial expression to appear as normal as possible. Mrs. Elizabeth arrived as usual.
"Good morning, children!"
"Good morning, ma'am," said the children. However, I remained silent and contemplative, staring blankly at the blackboard. Then, Mrs. Elizabeth resumed her lesson for the day, which was about dreams. Jokes about the contractor, repeated five times, were made again, and the whole class laughed, just like in my previous life.
"Alright, settle down, everyone! I will distribute dream sheets to you. Now, on this paper, write down your dreams. If you don't understand the name of your aspiration, for example, what is the job of someone who works in a workshop fixing other people's motorcycles or what is the job of someone who works on an airplane and serves food to passengers, you can ask me, okay?" Mrs. Elizabeth distributed sheets of HVS paper with the large and fancy fonts, "WHAT IS YOUR DREAM."
"Don't forget to also write down the reasons why you chose that aspiration, and don't be lazy. One page should be full!" Mrs. Elizabeth repeated her words.
"Noo... why ma'am??" the children complained again, but I remained silent, staring at the paper that was given to me. As I looked at the paper, I remembered the times when I was a singer, a band member, a doctor, a businesswoman, and a housewife. As I recalled those beautiful moments, I also remembered the painful things—being hurt in accidents, the band breaking up, malpractice, bankruptcy, and finally, being scammed.
The tears I had held back since the beginning of the class started to flow again. I tried to contain them, but the shadows of the past haunted me as if the paper I held had transformed into a film depicting my previous life. When I saw Dika's face in my reverie again, I couldn't hold back my voice and cried uncontrollably.
"Hu… hiks…"
"Ehh, Lilika, what's wrong?" Shella and Elin immediately turned and found my face wet with tears. I tried to wipe my eyes, but my tears wouldn't stop. The whole class, previously buzzing with discussions about their dreams, fell silent, and all eyes seemed to be on me.
"Eh, Lilika, what's happening?" Mrs. Elizabeth approached me in a panic. Before speaking to me, she looked at Elin and Shella to find out what happened to me. However, Elin and Shella just shook their heads because they also didn't know what was going on.
"Everyone, back to your seats. Do your tasks!" Mrs. Elizabeth instructed firmly. All the students returned to their seats, but some still glanced in my direction. My tears continued to flow even though I had stopped crying.
Before the end of the lesson, Mrs. Elizabeth called me to the counseling room. In the Counseling Room, Mrs. Elizabeth asked, "Lilika, why were you crying earlier?"
"...It's okay, ma'am..." I answered in a small voice. As I responded to the question, my heart felt painful, and tears again fell down my cheeks. Seeing me silent and only giving half-hearted answers, Mrs. Elizabeth changed her sitting position from behind the desk to beside me.
"Are you sure there's nothing wrong? You can tell me, dear. Why are you crying like this? Are you being bullied? Or do you have problems at home? Or maybe you're facing issues with your studies?" Mrs. Elizabeth gently stroked my head and then hugged me. "During your time at Tarakanita Elementary School, it's the first time I've seen you cry. What's going on?"
"...hu…huaaa…" I cried loudly again in Mrs. Elizabeth's embrace. My painful feelings seemed to be soothed hearing Mrs. Elizabeth's words.
"Have a drink first." After I finished crying, Mrs. Elizabeth handed me a glass of water to calm me down. "So, do you want to tell me?"
"Teacher, I don't know what I want to be," I admitted my worries.
"What do you mean? You're smart, you're in the top 10, right? What do you want to be?" Mrs. Elizabeth said while stroking my head.
"I... don't know..." At that moment, the feeling of sadness returned, and sobbing once again colored my face.
"So, being a singer is not an option... being a doctor is not possible... being an entrepreneur... even being a housewife, I can't do it... everything is falling apart..." I uttered, stuttering.
"What do you mean you can't? Well, maybe it's a bit difficult right now, but if, for example, you study diligently and practice diligently, you can definitely achieve all those dreams." Mrs. Elizabeth said. It's easy for her to say all that. She doesn't know what I feel. Has she ever experienced an accident that ruined her career? Has she ever been slandered? Deceived? Betrayed?
"I've studied... but still, I failed..." I replied with a hint of grumbling.
"Hmm... Studied but failed, worked hard but failed, succeeded but everything fell apart and became futile." Mrs. Elizabeth said. Her words this time were different from the usual tone of teachers. I immediately turned and looked at her face. Mrs. Elizabeth was no longer looking at me, but she was looking out the window as if she was reminiscing about her past. Could it be that Mrs. Elizabeth... has also been like me? Experienced failure?
"Hmm... Do you know what my dream used to be?" Mrs. Elizabeth mumbled, and I just stayed silent, listening to her soliloquy.
"Back when I was your age, I also got a dream sheet like this. Do you know what I wrote on it back then? I wanted to be a contractor, but after struggling to graduate from college, no one wanted to hire me because I am a woman. Indonesia was in a recession at that time. After going around, I finally became a math teacher at a small elementary school and barely got paid. Back then, I didn't care about the salary because my husband also worked as a corporate employee in a big company. But since my husband left with another woman, I had to work to support my daughters and myself." Mrs. Elizabeth said, recalling her past. Her eyes looked a bit teary when she told the whole story.
"You... an engineer?"
"Hahaha... that's how it was back then. But now, I've forgotten. If I was asked to work in construction now, I wouldn't be able to do anything." Mrs. Elizabeth laughed heartily. But I didn't laugh. I knew how arduous the struggle in a university was. How bitter it feels when after five years of struggling in college, you can't find a job. The despair when you realize all you have done so far was in vain. I have felt it multiple times.
"Mrs. Elizabeth... if you could go back and relive everything, back to elementary school, would you do it again?" I asked. I saw myself in Mrs. Elizabeth. She had failed before. But she didn't have the power to turn back time like me. If she could turn back time, would she go back and choose a different path?
"No." Mrs. Elizabeth quickly answered my question. I was stunned at her resolve. Why was she so sure? Didn't she feel regret? Failed in her studies? Failed in her marriage?
"Hmm... It's been about 15 years since I started teaching. About 5 years ago, a student came to me and thanked me for what I had taught. Since then, all the feelings of regret have disappeared," she said, looking up at the ceiling. But I felt enlightened.
"Hmm... it's not that I've never regretted it. But I was once advised by my parents when I was young. Work earnestly, and you will never regret it. At that time, I doubted what my parents said. But ever since he thanked me, all my feelings of regret vanished. Maybe, this was the role God has given me,"
Mrs. Elizabeth looked at me and continued her story. "He was one of my students. He was the first student to come back and thank me. He thanked me because he had been promoted to project manager at a construction company. I don't know why, but I didn't feel jealous; instead, I felt proud. It wasn't in vain that I worked for a minimal salary teaching like this if I could see them succeed. After that, I became interested in becoming a guidance counselor. I hoped that my students wouldn't give up on their dreams no matter what obstacles they faced. A few years later, a few more of my students came back to thank me. Now, my income is more stable, and my children are also working. I no longer regret the past; instead, I'm proud. I am satisfied with what I am doing now."
"Contractor?" I asked about Mrs. Elizabeth's past aspirations.
"Hahaha, that dream has been fulfilled by my children. I am now happier teaching children like you," Mrs. Elizabeth laughed while patting my head.
"...Thank you, teacher." After hearing Mrs. Elizabeth's story, I fell silent momentarily and then smiled. After expressing my gratitude, I left. The heavy burden I carried seemed to disappear after hearing Mrs. Elizabeth's story. Why had I never thought of that?
"Hey, wait. You haven't filled out the dream sheet yet, right? Here, fill it out. Tomorrow morning, before the bell rings, give it to me again," Mrs. Elizabeth said, handing me the dream sheet I didn't fill out today. I was no longer disgusted or afraid to look at this sheet. Somehow, when I looked at this sheet, I was reminded of the first time I filled it out. How could I forget the enthusiasm I had when I first became an idol? The feeling that I could achieve anything and would continue to fight without giving up. How foolish of me to forget all those feelings.
"Okay. Thank you, Ma'am. I'll submit it tomorrow," I said as I walked away.
My dream is to become an idol.
An idol who can perform on a grand stage, accompanied by music and applause from the audience, singing entire albums with choreography. I want to sing a song that can be used to entertain many people going through difficulties.
After becoming a famous singer, I will become an actress. The life of a successful actress: high salary, renowned everywhere. And most importantly, I can wear various costumes for performances or movies. I want to play a character that could enlighten people in their dark times.
I also want to be featured in magazines. The photos will undoubtedly be about the fashionable clothes I wear. Trendy fashion. If possible, I also want to have my own fashion line. I want to be able to create and stand out.
As for singing, my basic skills are already good, but I will participate more enthusiastically in choir activities, and if I pass, I will go to a vocal school. Then, I'll audition. If I don't pass, I'll keep practicing and try again until I succeed. Once I graduate, I'll make my debut.
What songs will I sing? I like pop songs. But I don't want to be too picky. As long as the song is good, I will sing it with all my heart. Cool movements, fast-paced with strong beat claps. Or a cute style? The important thing is that I can showcase the best.
As an actress, I want to have a faithful partner. After that, I want to have two children. One boy, one girl. Then, my children will undoubtedly be smart like their mother, and I'll also have a long life, seeing my cute grandchildren. If I have two children, it means there will be four grandchildren. Two from the son and another two from the daughter. I would love to see how my future grandchildren face life. If permitted, I also want to see my great-grandchildren.
The next day, I gathered the sheets of dreams that I had written with various memories I had experienced. It was written like what I had done the first cycle. After consulting with Mrs. Elizabeth, I somehow felt liberated. Perhaps because I was reminded of my feelings when I was a child. Or maybe, Mrs. Elizabeth's experiences have strengthened me to be resilient in the face of all the suffering I will endure? I don't know what will happen in the future; maybe I will cry and fail again, just like before. However, I have one wish: to give my best in whatever job I have in the future.
-------------------------11 Years Later--------------------
BEEP... BEEP...
The sound of the Electrocardiogram machine ticking indicated that my heartbeat was normal. This time, I ended up in the hospital because I was splashed with corrosive liquid by another actress who felt threatened by my appearance. It cannot be denied that my current fame is almost the same or even surpasses my previous life as an idol. However, once again, my face is damaged, and my career is ruined. All advertising and film offers seem to be canceled for various other reasons. The suspect went to jail, but the damage on my face could not be reversed.
"Hello," Rara came to greet me.
"Hello," I replied emptily.
"How are you?"
"Well, as you can see for yourself, right?" I answered casually.
"Rara, why did you come here?" I asked. Learning from my experience in a previous life, it's pointless to suspect and accuse Rara of engineering my fate to be miserable like this because only I can see Rara. And her pocket clock looked like an ordinary clock to others. No one else could use its power except me.
"I wanted to visit you. Sorry if I didn't bring anything." However, her words contradicted her smiling expression. She didn't seem worried or sad to see me lying in this hospital. She just looked at me with friendliness, like a customer service representative. She should know that her attitude is very impolite towards someone going through a tough time. However, after tens of years of knowing her, I knew she could not feel conscience or empathy to show remorse for humans. No need to discuss it further; the more I think about it, the more dismal my feelings become.
"Okay. Rara... if, for example, I start over and choose to become an actress again, will I end up with the same fate like this?"
"No one can predict someone's future, not even God," Rara said.
"Even God?" I smirked.
"If God could dictate someone's future, then there would be no more evil people. The future is determined by many things, including one's feelings," Rara replied. Rara rarely provides detailed explanations, and her response somewhat amused me.
"Do you want to turn back time?"
"Hmm... No. Let's see in a few years."
"Okay then. Goodbye. Get well soon," she said, and then Rara disappeared and left.
"She's not the evilest person I've ever seen," I mumbled. If the accusation of engineering someone's fate is untrue, then Rara isn't that evil. She just doesn't care about other people's suffering. One could say that Rara's attitude is neutral. During the two weeks I stayed in this hospital, only she and my family have been diligent in visiting me. I was somewhat thankful now that she had been quite a friend, even in my previous life. My other friends only visited me in the first week of my accidents, but during the last week, it's been only my family and her who still frequently visit me.
After I realized that, I continued to think about how I would live. My parents have their own company, so if I want an easy way, I could ask to become their assistant or employee. However, that is the last option. I don't want to burden my father.
----------------6 months later----------------
With the help of funds from my father, I established a subsidiary that produces batik fabric. Now, I wear a mask to cover my face because it has become so damaged. Although I am the boss of this subsidiary, I never appear in public. Meetings with clients are led by the PR department, and I only attend as a formality.
"Hey, do you still want to be an artist, or do you not want to repeat it?" Rara asked when I returned to check the budget planned for the next month in my office.
"Hmm... it's okay. Later, I will undergo plastic surgery when the money is enough," I replied casually. The worst has passed. Initially, many employees and clients decided to quit immediately upon seeing my face. I wanted to cry and turn back time to my elementary school days, but I canceled that thought because I still remember Mrs. Elizabeth's message in this life. Since then, I started wearing a mask to cover my face. It's been over 6 months now. I have regular employees and clients who no longer care about the condition of my face.
"Oh, You're not asking for money from your dad?"
"The money has already been used to establish this subsidiary. This subsidiary is more important because the parent company is also facing difficulties. If this subsidiary succeeds and the money accumulates, then I can undergo surgery. It's pointless if my face returns, but the company is threatened with bankruptcy. I could not return to the entertainment world even with plastic surgery."
"You're strong. Okay, let's meet again some other time," Rara smiled, muttering to herself, then went back to her own world.
"Hahaha." I laughed out loud hearing Rara's statement. It was impossible for her not to know how often I cried in the bathroom or in my room alone every time people turned their faces away from me or gossiped about my face. However, with that laughter, a tear trickled down my eyes.
After that, I went back home. My dream of becoming a singer never faded. Sometimes, I upload my songs on social media to seek feedback. Of course, I never revealed my face. My songs are accompanied by a monotonous organ sound. Well, I only started to have free time to study piano after the accident that happened to me.
-------4 years later --------
My face has never fully recovered. Even though I underwent plastic surgery a year ago, the doctor said my face would never fully recover. Scars here and there from the surgery lingered, and even though it could be covered with makeup and people could look at me without turning their eyes, my face could no longer pass as an idol. It seems like my dream of becoming a singer has come to an end here.
"Hello."
"Halo," I replied to the little devil who always greets me from nowhere. Apparently, he prefers to visit me when I'm alone, and I've gotten used to his antics, suddenly greeting me when I'm lost in thought.
"Why are you here?"
"I'm just curious why you're not wearing the watch I gave you."
"Oh, that. I want to see it through to the end."
"Even if you fail?"
"Who says I've failed?"
"Your face can't possibly be fixed, right? You've also lost a lot of money due to the surgery. Your business is just running average. What do you call it if not a failure?" Rara replied very logically.
"Hmm... I just want to see what path I will take later."
There's no denying that I really want to turn back time and redo all of this. But the words of Mrs. Elizabeth from 11 years ago are still vivid in my memory.
"Oh, are you resigned to your fate already?" Rara seemed to smile sarcastically.
"Hahaha, at the end of my life, please come again. Maybe I'll change my mind. I don't know if my life has meaning or not before seeing its end," I replied to Rara. She chuckled a bit and then left.
"Lily, the person is already waiting in the meeting room," my secretary, Shella, said at the door. This little friend of mine had difficulty finding a job three years ago. Upon hearing that, I immediately recruited her as my secretary and treasurer. She was also not disgusted by my face. Sometimes, she still likes to gossip about my face to others, but that is a small matter compared to others who see me for the first time. Why didn't I think like this before? In my previous lives, except for the first one, any small mistakes my friends made, I always assumed the worst and saw them as traitors. But now, compared to others, they seem like good people. How foolish of me to sever our friendship ties in previous life.
"Okay." I quickly organized my files and went to the meeting. Today is the first day we met in this life, but the person I'm meeting this time is none other than Mr. Darwin. After my company created a subsidiary, once again, Mr. Darwin supported my business. Could it be that in this life, I can have a good relationship and even continue to the next level? I could only hope.
-----------5 years later --------
"You look so beautiful, Lily!" Elin and Shella exclaimed as they peeked at me wearing my wedding dress. I'm about to get married, and the wedding reception is just around the corner. I look at my face in the mirror again. Even with thick makeup, I can still see faint lines and somewhat rough contours on my face. A few years ago, I never thought I would be able to get married with a face like this. When Darwin proposed to me three years ago, I rejected him because I knew I wasn't worthy of him. However, he continued trying to win my love, and eventually, I was convinced he truly loved me.
"Hmm... really?" I mumbled, listening to Elin and Shella's comments. I was always skeptical and shy of my own ugly, scarred face.
"Don't think too much about it. It's not noticeable," Elin said, seemingly understanding what I meant.
"Yeah, you look beautiful now! So don't worry too much," Shella added.
"Alright, let's go to the bridal room. It's time," said the hotel staff. Nervously, I got up from my seat and headed to the bridal room. Mr. Darwin also came out of the other makeup room, and together, we walked to the wedding reception hall.
The reception event proceeded joyfully. I greeted each guest in attendance, and thankfully, no one mentioned anything about my face. Ever since the surgery, my face has improved. So, I got less criticism about it, but I still get trauma whenever people look at my face.
"Congratulations, Mrs. Lilika," one of my company employees said.
"Congratulations, Lily," Shella and Elin congratulated.
"How many times have you congratulated today?" I smiled and laughed.
"Just formality. Hahaha. Okay, bye, we're going to eat now."
"Your friend?" Mr. Darwin asked. "It's the first time I've seen her."
"Yes. Her name is Elin. She's a neurosurgeon. We've been friends since elementary school until junior high. It seems like she just came back from America. In just a few years of being a doctor, she's been called here and there, so we rarely meet in person, just on social media," I replied.
"Oh, I see. She's quite something. I also dreamed of becoming a doctor back then, but it didn't happen," Mr. Darwin said with a chuckle.
"Hahaha. Her humanity needed to be questioned. In elementary school, her average score was 99 for science. If you calculate for social sciences, language, and religion, her average could be 95, but that's because she never got a perfect score for assignments," I laughed, recalling my past with Elin.
"Congratulations, Mr. Darwin." Mr. Linuardi and the group of shareholders from my father's company congratulated us one by one at one of the VIP tables. Since we had already been congratulated by our close friends, it was now our turn to greet them.
"Thank you, Mr. Linuardi."
"Congratulations, Mrs. Lilika."
"I didn't expect that you would marry Mrs. Lilika. Hahaha. Congratulations." Mr. Wilson said.
"Thank you, Mr. Wilson."
"At first, I was pessimistic about the subsidiary opened by Mrs. Lilika. But it seems that the profit is greater than I expected."
"Yes, it's all because of Lilika's, my daughter's, determination. Hahaha," my father responded to Mr. Ferdi's comment. Since Mr. Ferdi is now a small shareholder, he never caused trouble. In fact, he has given some constructive input. Many of his suggestions were unrealistic and rejected, but in this life, due to his small shares, his tantrums can be easily controlled.
We were so immersed in the unique atmosphere of the event. Before we knew it, the event was over, and the guests who came and made us feel like king and queen for a day finally went home. A slight sense of emptiness crept in as we saw our wedding reception venue becoming empty. I wished for time to stop forever at that party so that I could savor the happiness of my wedding longer with Mr. Darwin.
"I wish this atmosphere would never end," I mumbled to myself as I watched the wedding decorations being removed one by one.
"Lilika, remember, marriage is not just a celebration. Later, as a family, you will also face difficulties. Don't just want to accept the good things, okay," my father said from behind. It seems he heard the whisper I said earlier.
"Yes, Dad. I know," I replied.
"Well, later, you will experience it yourself. It's useless to just talk about it. I pray that your marriage will always be intact. May your bond be everlasting. Even though there are trials and obstacles, I pray that you can face them with strength." My father prayed as he hugged me. I shed tears of happiness at his words.
I still remember my previous life with Dika. Even though my father complained about his job, saying the salary was insufficient, my father still prayed for the sustainability of my marriage like this. I regret that I once ignored that prayer. I just pretended to heed that prayer.
Now, that prayer feels as though it has taken root in my heart, serving as a poignant reminder of both the challenging and joyous moments shared with Mr. Dika. Now that I am married to Mr. Darwin, I anticipate encountering both trials and moments of happiness with him. The recently spoken prayer by my father will remain etched in my memory, offering solace during joyous occasions and strength during challenging times.
"Thank you, Dad," I hugged my father again with love. Tears of joy flowed from my eyes like rainbows in the rain.
------------15 years later --------
"Mama... I'm home!" shouted a 12-year-old girl in her elementary school uniform.
"What's up, Tika? Why are you calling out?" I responded from the kitchen. Since I chose to have a child 12 years ago, I have visited the office less frequently, and my job has been handed over to Darwin, my husband. I focused on managing our household. However, unlike my previous life with Dika, I sometimes came to the office during my child's school hours and helped with my husband's work, so I knew what was happening in the company.
"Look, I got an 8 on the math test just now!" my daughter proudly displayed her nearly perfect exam result to me.
"Smart girl. As a reward, what do you want to eat tonight?" I smiled and praised my daughter. Compared to my grades in the past, this score might be a bit disappointing, but it's the highest score my daughter has ever achieved. I praised her and promised her a reward.
"Mom, I got homework from the guidance and counseling teacher. The guidance counselor asked about my aspirations for my future." Tika took out a piece of paper from her bag. For a moment, I was silent, looking at the paper that read WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS. I wondered if Mrs Elizabeth still taught at my school, which also happened to be Tika's.
"Mom, Dad is a businessman. But you're also good at singing at church and was an idol, right? I'm confused about which one to choose. Help me, please..." my daughter pleaded. However, I could only look at the paper with a blank stare. Unpleasant memories resurfaced in my mind.
"Mom! Stop daydreaming!" my daughter half-yelled, pouting. I snapped out of my reverie and looked at her, then smiled.
"Hmm, Mom can help you if you want to ask about different professions or jobs. But you have to decide what you want to work for yourself, okay? Do you want to ask about Dad's job?"
"Okay! In that case, what's this job? The one where you carry folders and follow Dad around in the office..." my daughter asked enthusiastically. I tried to explain as best as I could, with the help of the internet. My daughter asked extensively, ranging from prestigious professions like a pilot and a doctor to simple jobs like a cashier, office boy, and security guard. Sometimes, she commented that she wanted to be a waitress in a restaurant, which surprised and amused me. Her thoughts were so simple and innocent because it turned out she just wanted to wear the uniform worn by the waitresses. I could only laugh at her innocence.
"Okay. Done!" My daughter finally wrote down "singer" as her aspiration. A feeling of pride welled up in my heart, and as I looked at my daughter, it felt like I was seeing myself before I met Rara. I will pray that her aspirations can be fulfilled without facing obstacles like mine.
-----------14 years later --------
"Hiks... hiks..." I cried in front of a wooden coffin. The coffin containing the body of my husband, Darwin. After more than 20 years of marriage with Mr. Darwin, he passed away in a car accident.
"Mom, please stop crying. If you keep crying, Dad won't be at peace in heaven." Tika said while hugging me. Her voice comforted me, and the pain I felt seemed a little lighter. With heavy steps, I boarded the bus that would follow the hearse carrying my husband's body while Tika and her husband took the hearse. I don't want to be in the hearse right now. It was too painful. My tears dried up over time, and I just stared into space, looking at the hearse moving directly in front of me towards the cemetery.
"Hi." Rara suddenly appeared in the seat next to me. As usual, she greeted me with an innocent and naive smile like a child. I turned to her, and her smile felt like it was fueling my anger. This devil was not evil, but her indifference and apathy were genuinely annoying.
"Hello."
"My condolences on the death of your husband."
"Okay." I tried to ignore her.
"It's a pity he passed away. Just a little longer, Mr. Darwin could have seen his grandchild. Tika is already about 3 months pregnant." Rara said.
"Yeah, if only I could turn back time..." I murmured softly. But it seemed that Rara could hear my words as usual.
"Eh? But you can, right?" Rara responded with a smile. I turned to Rara and tried to reach into my pocket, which contained the time-turner pocket watch she gave me. With a heavy heart, I looked at the time-turner in my hand. This watch was indeed magical. For over 40 years, it has been ticking without rest. Let alone being damaged, there's no need to even change the battery.
Isn't this watch tired? Is the world not fair? Why doesn't this watch stop but continue to work tirelessly? It works relentlessly, proclaiming the passage of time. I pondered as I watched it forlornly.
"Hmm... I'm tired, Rara. If it's destined that my husband has to pass away now, what else can I do?" I replied with a sigh. If I turned back time, I would return to 27 April 2005.
"Oh. Well, in that case. See you again." Rara replied casually and then disappeared again. Tears flowed from my eyes while staring at the time-turner.
"Darwin, forgive me..."
------------11 years later -------------
How long has it been since my husband's passing? Now, I am 69 years old, and that's only in this life. I glance at the memory album I have, starting from my elementary and middle school graduations. In the next photo, I also look at my career as an idol. Ironically, this career was so short-lived. But now, I am happy. My daughter Tika can continue her career as an idol, even up to this moment, unlike my career, which ended early. She has produced many albums and was proclaimed as a genius singer. Her beauty was not her only merit. Hmm, but lately, the offers for her roles have slowly decreased. Perhaps she will face different challenges from what I have experienced. Old age is every woman's enemy, after all.
"Hello, Mom!" a woman's voice called out as she knocked on my door. Finally, the person I was waiting for had arrived.
"Oh! Tika, right? And Dimas?" I replied. My sound was getting hoarser by the day. I was getting weaker. My time might come soon enough.
"Yes, ma'am," Tika's husband answered. Truly a loyal husband. It's good that Tika found a husband as reliable as my Darwin.
"Grandma!" a little girl ran to hug me after Dimas and Tika entered.
"My grandchild! Lala! How have you been?" I squatted down a bit and hugged my cute and funny grandchild. After that, a babysitter came in with a baby boy still in his stroller. I smiled so much seeing this little boy.
"Is this Vino? How old is he now?" I bent down, touched his cheek, and kissed his forehead. I felt the softness of the baby's skin, something far more precious than gold or diamonds. I felt a part of my soul was also with this child. Once again, I smiled after seeing my adorable grandchildren.
"What is Mama doing?" Tika asked.
"Mama is looking at the photo album."
"Oh, I see. Mama, are you okay? I'm sorry I haven't been able to visit you often lately. Since Vino was born, I've been busy at home. Taking care of two kids is quite demanding."
"Yes, dear, I understand. I'm doing fine. Well, you know, being old and all that, just a short walk already makes me tired. That's all." I replied with a smile.
After that, we chatted for a while. But because my grandchild was getting bored, we decided to go for a walk to the playground. Watching her play reminded me of my past when I was their age. Her smile was still innocent and so beautiful to look at.
"Why, Rara? You're unusually quiet today." I greeted Rara, who was just staring at me from a distance in the playground. My voice was soft, and I didn't expect Rara to hear me. However, mysteriously, she seemed to hear my voice as I saw a slight surprise in her expression. She then smiled and walked away.
----------------3 years later--------------
BEEP BEEP! The sound of an electrocardiogram echoed on my right side. Such a nostalgic sound. When did I hear this sound? In the first life? Or perhaps the second life. I can't quite remember exactly when I heard this sound. Why did I repeat life for the third time? Who was it that I loved in the fifth life? Why do I always shed tears every time I reminisce about the fifth life?
"Mama?" The voice of a woman I cherished dearly called out to me. Her voice sounded very sad, as if holding back sobs. What is she crying about? Has her ordeal begun?
"Hmm? Tika, is it?" I replied.
"Yes, it's me, Mom."
"Huuu... grandma! Get well soon, grandma. Don't die yet..." A child's voice came, tightly hugging my hand. Yes, I am currently in the hospital. What illness do I have? I myself have forgotten.
"Is this the hospital? What's wrong with Mom?"
"Cancer, Mom... according to the doctor... it can't be cured anymore..." Tika said, crying uncontrollably. As I turned, I saw her husband, whose name I had already forgotten, embracing her from behind.
"Oh, I see..."
"Why didn't Momsay anything? Why wait until it's so severe...?" Tika said, crying. Hearing her words, I felt a bit guilty. When I found out about my illness, Tika was busy taking care of Vino, and I didn't want to disturb her. Was my decision wrong?
"Sorry for causing trouble," I responded as best as possible, and Tika continued crying. I tried to move my hand and held her head. I caressed her head with love. With just this touch, I felt like recalling the beautiful moments of her childhood, and it's good that she remains happy until now. I caressed my child's head again.
"If only I could turn back time... The babysitter could take care of Vino." My child muttered while crying in my hands. Hearing that, I was surprised. But a few moments later, I burst into laughter.
"Hahaha. Hmm... dear, why do you want to turn back time? Hahaha..." I was genuinely tickled by my child's statement for some reason.
"But Mama's life can be saved."
"Hmm, so you want to sacrifice Vino's life to save Mom's life? Wasn't the nurse who took care of Vino a bit mean?" I smiled, looking at my child's face. While looking at her face, I remembered Rara's face, that little devil. Three years ago, she smiled when I was in a playground. Does that little devil know what will happen to me today? Ah, it doesn't matter. Perhaps I shouldn't fight fate. I'm tired.
"Hmm, dear... I want a drink. Please buy it outside. Bring your husband and child too." I tried to dismiss my family when I saw a figure in a black dress with an eye resembling a glowing red clock.
"Hello, Rara." This time, I took the initiative to greet her.
"Hello." She greeted me briefly with a smile. This smile always irritated me. It seemed as if she delighted and laughed at the suffering of others.
"Why did you come?" I asked.
"Hmm, I just wanted to spectate. I am the devil of time. You're old now, and your hands can no longer move. According to the contract, you should be able to use my power anytime and anywhere. So, how about it? Want to go back?" Rara said while holding the gold pocket watch that I despised for some reason. The watch that I hated so much but at the same time was the most important object in my life. "You told me to visit you at the end of your life after all."
With feeble hands, I held the watch. Rara remained silent, waiting for my command to turn back time, but I only caressed the watch with my hands. My body was now frail and weak with age, yet there was not a single mark of aging on this watch. This pocket watch was still pristine, as if it were a brand-new item from the store.
"So?" Rara asked, seeking my final confirmation. In reality, this watch was just a formality, and the real power came from this little devil. However, she approached and prepared to press the button to return to the past.
"Hmm... I don't want to use this watch." After considerable contemplation, I released my grip on this gold watch. I sighed in relief, as if all my burdens had been lifted from my body.
"Are you sure? Aren't you afraid of death?" Rara asked.
"Am I definitely going to die?" I asked Rara again, smiling. "You're not the one controlling life and death, right?"
"Erm... The doctor himself said that you can't possibly recover," she replied, turning her face away. It seemed like she had accidentally revealed something.
"So? Why did you come now? Maybe I'm suffering from an incurable cancer, but I could still die in a week, a month, or even a year. Why did you come now, Rara?"
"Hah... alright, I confess. I am the devil of time. I can see the timeline of each person. Of course, I can't control fate. I can only observe. I shouldn't have told you this, but.... in five minutes, exactly at 23:55, you will die," Rara said while scratching her head.
"Hahaha." I laughed upon hearing it. No wonder she always knew when I was suffering. Her gig was up. She knew everything that was about to happen from the start. This was her secret.
"Aren't you afraid of death?" Rara asked.
"Very much. Since my age approached 70, 60, or maybe even before that. I've always been afraid every time my age increased. In my previous life, I almost died, right? But every time I see Tika, Lala, and Vino, my fear disappears. Rara, if I were to rewind time, what would happen to them?" I asked a question that I had been pondering for a long time in this life. Specifically, ever since I saw Tika being born into this world.
"They will disappear as if they were never born into this world. The timing is different," Rara answered definitively. To be honest, Rara's answer was already expected. Even though there are theories about parallel worlds, if I couldn't see them again in the next world, or they were never born, everything would be in vain.
"In that case, it's better for me to die here and see them from heaven. You're a devil, right? If there's a devil, that means there's heaven too, right?"
"...... of course." Rara paused for a moment and then answered with a wide smile.
"Okay, the decision is final. See you later." Rara disappeared. And slowly, my body became weak. But I was happy with my decision. So, this is what death feels like? This fear is haunting me more and more. Just like when I had a car accident with Darwin in my previous life. However, when I remembered the faces of my children and grandchildren, a sense of peace enveloped me, and my fear vanished. I remembered the beautiful moments when I worked, cradled my children and grandchildren, and took them to school. The memories kept flashing by, swirling with each other like a kaleidoscope, the memory of when Tika got married, even up to now when the whole family came to visit me. My body became weaker and weaker, and my vision blurred as I reminisced. Slowly but surely, I fell asleep, and this time, I rested forever.
