Kevin the Bored
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4 Breaking Tropes
🕑 Added 2023-03-24 13:30:32 +0000 UTCSo, crime.
How does one do crime?
More importantly, how does one make money doing crime?
Honestly, this is kinda new territory for me, the most illegal things I've done being petty theft and throwing rocks with copper wire wrapped around them at telephone wires, so I wasn't entirely sure how to go about it, but then I had the most amazing idea I must have ever had in my life.
Ok, that's an exaggeration, but it is a pretty good idea.
See, I may not know how to do Le Crimes, but do you know who does know how to do La Crime? Criminals.
It seems obvious when I actually think the words.
Anyway, since I don't know how to make money doing crimes, I will just find criminals that do know how to make money, and then rob them of all their crime money.
I mean, at that point, am I even a criminal? Is it illegal to steal from a thief?
No idea, but I did just remember that I'm a murderer now so the argument of whether or not I'm a criminal is kinda pointless.
Now however, I have come to a roadblock of sorts.
You see, I did a little light theft last night to get a disguise, nothing extensive, just a beanie to hide my hair, and a Halloween mask depicting a scary lookin' clown, under which I also have a domino mask over my eyes and a surgical mask over my mouth, cuz what if the first mask falls off?
It's not like it's designed for high intensity fights, not that I intend to get into any high intensity fights before even getting some more cash to fall back on.
I also got some coloured contact lenses, only to then realise that there is no real point in doing so and throwing them away, since I can just change my eyes into the cool looking scary version whenever I'm doing cape activities, only to 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 realise that I can still use the coloured contact lenses for my more civilian activities, since I am 'missing' or whatever, maybe 'dead'.
So then I had to get a new handful of contact lenses, cuz putting something in your eyes that has been thrown in the trash is just stupid. Then again, I seem to heal pretty well, so who knows? Not that I really want to test that regeneration any time ever. I am no masochist thank you very much.
But even after all of that, when I was finally standing in my swanky new mask(s) and dressed up in some tight but flexible black clothing, I realised something of grave importance.
I have no fucking idea how to find criminals.
It's not like they just advertise themselves right?
These thoughts led to me once again stripping and putting back on my normal clothes, putting my tentatively named 'cape outfit' in a bag, with the idea that if I, an attractive woman (fuck you, I'm vain), simply walked around the seedier neighbourhoods at night, maybe some gangster will come along and try kidnap me or something.
I mean, I'm assuming that someone will try something if I just walk around for a few hours, and then when they do I can be all like, "Aha! You have fallen for my trap criminal! What's that? No, no I'm not a Hero, in fact, I'm a cannibal! Rawr!".
...Ok, I wouldn't say 𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘭𝘺 those words, but you get the general idea, it's like entrapment. I think. Honestly for all that I can be super smart sometimes, I am kinda dumb most of all the time, so I rarely really know what the fuck I'm talking about, but hey, just go with the flow and everything will work out in the end.
Probably.
So here I am, wearing tight jeans and a red crop top, just to be extra.. uh.. bait-ey? Uh, to be... more attractive as bait? Fuck the english language you get what I mean.
I'm also wearing an open blue hoodie and a stylish white scarf to cover my mouth with, as well as one of my contact lenses, giving me blue eyes.
Honestly, it's not much of a disguise, but it's not like I really need to be overly paranoid about this. I mean, if it was 𝘥𝘳𝘢𝘨𝘰𝘯 looking for me or something, I have no doubt that she would have found me by now with such a shitty disguise, but I'm willing to bet that at the most all anyone is doing to find me is running my face through some facial recognition software connected to traffic cams and CCTV and shit.
I'm not sure if you have ever seen facial recognition software at work, but unless it's the super advanced stuff, then it's kinda very easy to avoid, so long as I don't start staring directly into every camera I see, and I highly doubt my case is priority enough to warrant the advanced shit.
In conclusion, my shoddy disguise should be good enough that no one is going to find me. Why don't I wear a wig? Blonde hair isn't exactly a distinctive trait to track me down with dumbass.
Fuck, I am so bored.
I have been walking around for like, an hour or two, something in the middle, and other than a few wolf whistles that I didn't care about and some more lecherous gazes, nobody has so much as tried to molest me, never mind mug me!
Arrgh! it's so frustrating!
It almost makes me laugh, the thought that I am complaining about no one trying to molest me. Powers sure do make life interesting. But I stop myself from laughing, because that would make me look crazy, and crazy people don't get mugged, cuz you don't fuck with crazy people.
They are after all, crazy.
Half an hour later and I am really regretting my choice of ditching all of my electronics, even with the knowledge of how easy it would be to track me should I have kept them.
I should have stolen a new phone before doing this, it's not like they could track me down from a phone that is completely unrelated to me, so long as I don't do anything that I used to do on my old phone, like log into my 'gram, not that I ever used the thing but you get the point.
Frankly, I never really had any interest in anything social media besides the memes. I mostly used my phone to play Minesweeper or Solitaire. They're simple but I like them. Better than that 'rot your brain with a gazillion 12 second videos' app.
However, my thoughts are broken as I 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 smell a pair of people rapidly approaching me from behind.
Is it weird that the first indication I have of their presence is their 𝘴𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘭? Yes. Am I going to dwell on that fact? No.
Instead, I am going to take this left turn into what seems to be 'Shady Alleyway Number 4'.
Ohhh nooo~ it's a dead end~~ what ever am I going to do~?
I jump a little when I get to the end of the alley, to sell the impression that I was just lost in thought or something and didn't realise I took a wrong turn, then I turn around to face my hopefully would-be muggers slash molesters.
Looking at the two of them, I check them both out. The one on the left has short blond hair and blue eyes with pale skin, very aryan, while the other one has brown hair in a braid going down his back almost as far as my own and has matching eyes and dark skin.
Hitler would be mad, seeing an aryan hanging out with a black.
The pair of them aren't wearing gang colours, actually never mind, I have no idea what 'gang colours' look like nor how to identify them, but they are just wearing casual clothes, both wearing cargo pants, one black the other green camo, and they are both also wearing black hoodies.
However, the blonds hoody is unzipped, showing a shirt underneath that has a stylized 'We're the three best friends that anyone could have!' with a chibi drawing of the Triumvirate underneath and a faded drawing of Hero behind a red X.
Ok, that's a pretty funny shirt and I can't resist the undignified snort that comes out of me when I see it which makes him smile with what can only be pride.
Before I can even open my mouth to say some movie worthy lines about muggers and having a bad time, the white guy speaks up first.
"You like it? I had to custom order it, cost me like 70 bucks." He says whole gesturing to his body to properly show his shirt off.
Once again, before I can open my mouth the black dude speaks up this time.
"Ignore James, he has a horrible sense of humour, he was raised by a diener and a comedian and it left his sense of humour irrevocably broken." He says, while pushing the now named James' head to the side, even as he sniggers.
"Wait, what do you mean a diner? Do you mean they worked 𝘪𝘯 a diner?" I ask without even realising that I have been dragged into a conversation when I was expecting a fight.
"Nah, a diener, d-i-e, it's what you call someone who works in a mortuary, oh my name is Theo by the way, nice to meet you." Theo clarifies while extending a hand to shake.
Without really thinking about it I reach out and shake his hand and introduce myself, only remembering half way through not to use my actual name.
"Ah, uh, yeah, nice to meet you too, my name is.. Alice."
This really isn't going how I thought it would go.
"Well Alice!" White guy James reinstates himself into the conversation with all the grace of a dictator, "we only came over 'cuz we guessed you were new in town and didn't know what you were doing, see, your heading into Red Branch territory right now, so it'd probably be best if you take a detour or something, 'cuz those Irish pricks wouldn't let you just pass through without starting some shit."
What.
Are you telling me that not only am I not getting mugged slash molested, but they are actually just tryna be nice?
This isn't going how I thought it would 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭.
"Uh, Red Branch territory? Can you like, mark out gang territory for me? So I know where to avoid?" I ask, thinking that this can be an even better opportunity than getting mugged.
My question makes them both smile for some reason before Theo speaks up again.
"Sure, you got a map though?"
Embarrassingly, I didn't think to get a map to help me navigate this new city I have found myself in, which is pretty dumb in retrospect.
Not that it matters, because apparently James works in the PRT and is the guy who does the tours so he just so happened to have a map of the city and a pen on hand.
Following which, they do a little doodling and give me a map that has the basic outlines of gang territory and where the Protectorate patrols as well as a brief rundown on the cities capes and how the gangs act.
Honestly this whole thing has been a godsend, these two are like a treasure trove of information and seem perfectly willing to share that information, and I don't forget to tell them.
"Thank you so much, honestly, you guys are like a godsend, I won't lie, I didn't know even a single thing you just told me, so thanks a bunch for the info."
"Hey, it's cool, times can be tough, we're happy to help and don't have anything going on right now anyway. Do you want us to walk you to wherever you're staying?" James offers with a surprising sincerity.
Well, I can't just lead them to where I'm staying, since I broke into an abandoned house and that's not exactly legal, so I say the first thing that comes to mind.
"Ah, actually, I just got here so if you could show me to a hotel or something, that'd be perfect." I say, not realising my mistake until it's too late.
"Shit, you don't have somewhere to stay the night? You could crash at our place for a few nights if you want, just until you get yourself on your feet, I know how it is." Theo gives me a sympathetic look as he puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it gently.
Seriously, what the fuck is it with these two assholes being so damn nice!
"Ah, I wouldn't want to intrude." Comes my lame response that James quickly dismantles.
"Eh, it's cool, we live together anyway and it's a two bedroom but I crash on the couch most nights anyway, so you can take my bed 'till you get a place of your own to stay."
They must have noticed my perplexed face because they both chuckle a little before they turn and lead me away, Theo patting me on the back as he does so.
"Don't worry about it, we've both been there before, we know how it is. We won't pry but know that if ya need anything you can always ask and we'd be happy to help, and if you think it's unfair or something, then you can always pay us back later when you can support yourself."
Goddamn what is in the water here.
As I get led down the street by a pair of the nicest strangers I have ever met, a genuine, happy smile lights up my face for the first time in weeks.
I guess I can always beat up criminals another day.
