Kevin the Bored
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99 Do You Think Fish See Air Like We See Water?
🕑 Added 2023-06-25 21:08:15 +0000 UTCColumbus, Georgia. April 7th, 15:57.
Looking down at the exhausted, handless woman covered in dirt and blood, I can't help but be a little disappointed that she's basically clocked out not even five hours in.
So far, there has definitely been some close calls. She ๐ช๐ด funny and if I wasn't explicitly trying to ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต laugh, then I would have ran out of air from all the funny shit she's said and done.
Like an hour ago when I gave the command to 'show me something I haven't seen before', and she actually had the metaphorical balls to ask if I've ever seen someone orgasm.
That almost made me laugh, probably the closest she's been, shortly followed by a few minutes later when she was getting so desperate to finish the command before the thirty minutes was up that she shoved her tentacles up some dudes ๐ง๐ถ๐ค๐ฌ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ข๐ด๐ด๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ญ๐ฆ and proceeded to use them to ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ ๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ฃ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐บ ๐ญ๐ช๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ข ๐ง๐ถ๐ค๐ฌ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ข๐ต ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ฑ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ต.
Suffice to say, she completed the command just in the nick of time to get another one immediately afterwards.
That command was to make a significant, permanent change to her body and it was admirable how quickly she just bit the bullet and cut off one of her hands.
Of course that's when I told her one hand wasn't enough to be significant, so she had to get rid of the other too. But her tentacles are apposable anyway, so she's fine.
However, due to how quickly she finished that command, I decided to make my next one less cruel and more just mean.
The command was to run for thirty minutes without stopping.
That was twenty seven minutes ago, I stole some dudes watch so I can actually keep track, and considering that I am now looking down on her as she lies in a puddle of misery, I think it's clear she failed.
A couple of minutes of huffing and puffing later and her head snaps to my direction as a beeping sound rings out from my wrist.
"Looks like your times up!~ It's impressive that you haven't failed a command 'till now, but no one's perfect!~ Now, as you know, this means that I get to eat you now.~" I exclaim as I stalk closer, pondering to myself where exactly I should take a bite.
One of her feet would be funny just because it would make passing any more commands that much harder, or I could be even meaner and take a bite out of her spine somewhere.
They're nice and crunchy, spines. More a snack food than a meal really, but certainly enjoyable and it would leave her paralysed everywhere below the bite, which would also be funny, because who doesn't love laughing at cripples?
But as I am pondering these important matters, I miss Black Queen's movements and am caught slightly off guard when I focus back down at her and see her, legs spread in my direction with two fingers over her clothed crotch.
"Oh please do, eat all you want.~" Despite sounding like she just ran three marathons, which wouldn't be entirely inaccurate, she still manages to put a slightly seductive tilt to her words.
"Pffft, damnit!" I fail to supress a snort and immediately curse afterwards, throwing my hands in the air.
Her response was just so out of left field that it caught me completely off guard.
I mean, with how exhausted she is, the ๐ญ๐ข๐ด๐ต thing I expected her to do was to ๐ง๐ญ๐ช๐ณ๐ต with me!
Ah well, no need to complain. If anything, I'm happy that she finally made me laugh, cuz she is funny as fuck and it would be great to have her around 'till she inevitably dies.
Queenie herself just slumps back with a tired sigh filled with relief.
"Well, that was an anti-๐ค๐ญ๐ช๐ฎ๐ข๐น, wasn't it?~" I say as I sit down beside her and watch as she passes out, exhaustion taking hold of her.
Guess I'll just have to carry her back 'home' so someone else can test her.
...I guess I'll take the scenic route, give her a little extra time to rest, she deserves it.
She's been up for probably more than a full day's time and she hasn't even done Siberian's three day marathon of a test yet, so I think it's only fair to let her get an hour or two of rest now.
She did technically fail the command first though, so imma still have a little nibble, though I'll be nice and just go for the forearm instead of anything really debilitating.
It's a bit over an hour later when I make it back, I'm not sure of the time exactly as I threw away the watch because I dislike the idea of living on a schedule and the very concept of time is offensive to me.
Also blue just isn't my colour.
Heading straight for Bonesaw's lab, I make sure to knock this time and am let in by the spider bots, one of which takes me to the girl herself.
"Heya Chibi!~ You mind fixing up Queenie here?~" I ask because I'm pretty sure she's close to dying from blood loss at this point.
Plus, Bonesaw could get started with some surgeries while she's at it for her own test.
Predictably, the idea of doing more surgery gets her all excited, causing her to bound on over from where she was operating on a... a bear?
Well, parts of a bear at least, loosely held together but what is either some kind of super thing medical string or just nerves or something, I'm not too sure.
However, Bonesaw catches me looking and immediately jumps up at me, forcing me to catch her as she shoves her hands into my face.
"No peeking!! It's supposed to be a surprise! Just go away!" She shouts at me as she jumps out of my grip and starts bodily pushing me back out of the door.
๐๐ญ๐ข๐ฎ!
Looking back at the door in confusion, I decide not to think about whatever that was and just go look for Crawler.
I find him with little effort as he is still lazing about in the same spot he's been in pretty much since we got here, with Jack, Shatter and Mannequin also chilling on the other side of the room.
"Yo Crawler!~" I greet as I walk up to him with a smile, "what you been up to?"
Obviously I already know the answer to the question, but it's important to ask anyway.
"Relaxing. Not everyone is as constantly energetic as you." He answers and I think I'm getting better at understanding him.
Not that it was ever actually a problem to understand the words, but it was always like someone trying to talk over an active jackhammer. Now however, I can understand him pretty easily, which is nice.
"Don't be such a bore.~" I say before allowing my power to form claws over my right hand and shoving it wrist deep into one of his many eyes.
That should get him feeling a little more energetic.
"Let's go, you're candidate is the only one that hasn't started yet.~"
He's already on his feet by the time I finish speaking, my friendly slap waking him up as intended, and he gives me a huff before heading to balcony to leave, as he can't fit through the door without breaking it.
Before leaving though, I turn to the other three and make finger guns at them for no particular reason.
"Any of you know where Carrot is at?~" I probably should have started with that, but she's probably just being held up in the PRT's HQ, so we would have just started there anyway, which would be fun regardless.
Mannequin makes some tapping and clicking noises in response, but I have no idea what that is supposed to mean so I look to our resident translator, who is thankfully far more helpful.
"She's being kept on base with the other Ward." Jack says with a casual smirk and I just give him a quick thanks before hopping out of the window to follow after the biological tank.
As soon as I hit the ground, I immediately bounce again and land on Crawler's back. It is incredibly uncomfortable, but it's funny enough to be worth it.
"Giddy up!" I yell as I kick into his back as if he's a horse.
Unfortunately this seems to be a step too far compared to chin scratches as he just responds by ramming himself back first into the nearest building, crumbling it on top of us and thoroughly dislodging me.
Climbing out of the rubble, I give him a dry look, and despite his features not really translating human emotions, I can tell he is amused nonetheless.
"Humph, whatever, let's just go. She's in the PRT headquarters apparently, so you can go in and have fun and I'll come in once you're done. There should only be one Protectorate member on base, but the other four are likely not far out, so you shouldn't have any trouble making it to her."
He grunts in response and we start making our way to PRT HQ in a peaceful silence for a while until I decide to make conversation.
"So, what are the others up to?"
He doesn't answer for a moment, but when he does he is very informative.
"Jack wiped out one of the gangs in his test for White something, Shatterbird also just got back from testing the same guy. Mannequin went out to test your guy at some point and Hatchet Face is out testing Bonesaw's candidate, so that guy's probably going to die, or lose an arm or something."
Huh. Guess I'll find Jack's candidate after this to see what's up with him.
Now that I think about it, if Mannequin tested Magne yesterday, and with Candy having suicided, there shouldn't be any easy way to fix him up from whatever his test was, so there's a pretty good chance that Magne will be the one on base.
"Neat, that means it'll probably be my candidate that's the hero on base, you can get two tests out of the way in one go. It'll be like swingers, you do mine while I do yours!~"
The next thing I know I'm flying into another building.
At least it was just me this time, so the entire building didn't fall down on me.
As I get back out onto the street, I give Crawler a glare, while he just lowers his arm and continues walking as if nothing happened.
"๐๐ถ๐ด๐ต you keep throwing me into buildings? Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep my hair looking good while getting thrown through buildings?" I complain at him as I start patting down my hair, noticing with great annoyance that it's starting to show white again as the repeated impacts start brushing out all the blood.
It is surprisingly difficult to dye hair with blood without making it all crusty, so I think it's reasonable to get annoyed when all that hard work gets blown away.
"You're an asshole you kn- Oi! Wait for me!" I yell as I notice how far he has walked away from me while I have been busy fixing my hair.
It only takes a few seconds of running to catch back up with him, and I greet him with a jumping kick to the side that only sends him stumbling a single step away, while I land on my feet with a flip.
I forgot that he weighs several tonnes.
However, as I am about to start insulting him, I am cut off by a crashing sound as a refrigerator flies out of a second story window right ahead of us, shortly followed by a pair of men who seems to be doing their best to rip each other's throats out.
As they both hit the ground, a third guy runs out of the door and jumps on top of the two downed men and starts beating into their faces.
Crawler and I both just watch as this random guy beats these other two random guys' faces in until their brain matter is painting the street around them.
Huh. Did somebody bring a pineapple to pizza night or something?
The guy soon notices us, but instead of the general response of fear, he just shows rage and charges right at us with a telegraphed fist raised, clearly intending to beat us up too.
Maybe he's just high then? I ponder to myself as he gets closer.
Apparently I seem to be the easier target, which is fair really, as he runs straight at me. But once he is within arms reach of me, I attack with speed a normal could never hope to react to and I kick him in the side and launch him at Crawler's face.
He reacts instantaneously by spitting a glob of acid at the flying body. The force of the spit cancels out the bodies momentum perfectly and the body drops to the floor and is completely melted within the minute.
Crawler and I both stare at the dissolving corpse in silence before we look at each other, completely synchronised.
"...You got any idea what that was about?" I ask in confusion.
"...Drugs?" He answers, though it sounds more like a question.
Oh shit! The fucking salt!
God how did I forget about the fucking salt!?
That makes sense now.
At least we know it's working as intended.
I wonder how many people have died by now? Probably a lot.
=================
A/N: He~llo! Dear readers!
Hint hint, it is a lot. the city had a population nearing 200k when they got there. That's probably going to be halved by the time they leave, but there's no reason to pity them, as it is just a skill issue.
Comments
Scarletmenace
Mmm murder salt. I wonder if she just dumped a bag of drugged Fritoโs in the water supply. I swear, those things have enough salt to immediately kill a beached whale.
