Kevin the Bored
patreon
70 Kind of Lame That No One Bribed Me For a Smutty Chapter 69
🕑 Added 2023-05-30 17:47:29 +0000 UTCDespite my conversation with Kitsune I still set off in the morning.
I told James and Jinx and abbreviated version of the nights events and I was glad to see that rather than even slightly caring about five of his men dying, he found the whole thing hilarious.
Part of the reason I didn't decide to extend my stay even more is that Kitsune has spent most of her life on the side of the angels, so expecting her to suddenly be comfortable with more villainous forms of fun would be silly.
So I figured that just doing a little bit of corruption in order to move up the ranks would be a good way to wean her into things, and I was a little worried that I'd come off too strong and scare her away, so it really is for the best that we take things slow with her.
I made sure to tell James and Jinx this before I left too. To keep the more.. uhh, callous? Forms of fun from her for the time being.
Besides, despite not having a real timetable to work on for my contract with the Elite, it would still be rude to just keep delaying it and I've still got a long drive ahead of me.
But still, I have a spy in the Protectorate who can also function as a spy in the PRT, which is pretty cool since most Heroes don't actually tend to have much influence in their parent organisation.
Combine that with Clara who would happily sell out the Elite for me and I have a spy in each of the largest parahuman organisations in America.
Huh. Fancy that.
Even better, Clara is only a spy for me, not the Clowns as a whole like Kitsune is. Just me.
I've gotta say, it feels pretty good.
All I need now is a spy in the Guild and I will have a source of information on the three most important groups, at least for me anyway since it's not likely I'll be leaving America anytime soon.
Doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice to have a source in the Guild, since it's Canadian based in the first place and is the only truly international parahuman organisation in the world.
Besides, it's not like I need a source in the CUI, because no one goes to China these days, not since the Yangban took over anyway.
The only reason I even want spies in the first place is just in case something interesting is happening and they can tell me about it.
It's the same as the Clowns, they only exist so that I can be sure I won't get bored in the future.
I do hate being bored after all.
It's only when night starts to fall once more that I am pulling into Kansas City, humming along to a totally normal tune by Pepper Coyote that doesn't need to be named because of how totally normal it is.
It's probably nearing midnight by the time I'm on the other side of the city, since I'm planning on just breaking into someone's house to crash on their bed before leaving right after I wake up.
This place doesn't have anything interesting to my knowledge, and I am actually quite looking forward to my job.
However that plan gets waylaid by an explosion going off nearby and me being the curious person that I am, I couldn't help but want to go and investigate.
The scene I come across is that of two capes bullying another one.
I keep my distance at first, not wanting to damage my bike, and observe for a moment.
On one side is a man, medium build and shorter than average wearing a costume that is covered in belts for some reason.
Against him is a pair of women, both blonde with matching hairstyles but with differing costumes as one of them is in a billowing blue robe with hood that is up and has a little tiara on top.
Someone clearly thinks highly of themselves.
The other is wearing a skin-tight costume of blacks and whites with a full face mask that leaves the only part of her body exposed as the back of her head where her hair flows out from.
She also has a mean looking stick.
The guys' power seems to be some form of Breaker of Brute type. I'm honestly not really sure which one it would fit into because the Breaker category confuses me.
But his power seems to be that he can reattach his limbs with incredible ease, as is shown when Tiara waves her hand at him and a spectral knight appears in front of her, already in motion as it rushes towards him without even moving its legs and cuts one of his arms clean off before disappearing.
Only for a thread-like substance to shoot out of his shoulder and into his arm before rapidly pulling it back into place as if he was never harmed.
Of course, that doesn't really matter as the time it took him to do so was enough for the other woman to get close and stomp on the ground, causing the entire area around Belt Man to burst into a giant plume of fine dust, disrupting his footing and allowing her to land a blow with her staff.
I guess that's where the explosion came from then, since her power seems to turn shit into powder she probably accidentally, or purposefully, created a dust explosion.
Ah well, I've seen enough.
Two people bullying one? Of course I must stand in their aide, for I am a woman of justice!! And this injustice cannot stand!!
Heh, nah I'm just feeling peckish and even if parahumans don't taste the best, they're already right here in front of me anyway.
Besides, having to work for your food makes it taste better, and I like the hunt.
With that in mind, I quickly double back and park my bike in an alley, noticing a homeless woman is already in here.
"Hey! I'll give you a hundred bucks if my bike's still here when I get back." I call out to her as I bring out my costume and start changing into it, not really all that bothered about modesty.
The homeless woman's expression of hope quickly gains a hint of fear once I put on my mask.
I doubt she recognises me, else she'd be more afraid, since she's probably not one to watch the news a lot, but anyone with any life experience these days knows that capes are always trouble.
"Oh and if the bike isn't here when I get back then I will kill you."
Just like that, I am off to be a hero.
When I make it back to the street they are fighting on, the guy looks to be in even worse condition than before and the street seems to consist of significantly less street than I remember there being.
It's also slightly harder to see with all the shit in the air, but my eyes aren't really all that impaired by it.
Belt Man is clearly starting to flag and I decide that now is the time to make my heroic entrance.
With that, I jump with all my strength so that I can land right in front of belt man with the hero landing that only Alexandria really does.
ππ’π―π¨. ππ³π’π€π¬.
"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww." I quietly whine, keeping my head bowed to not show my face.
Now I see why only Alexandria, famous for her invincibility, does this hero landing.
It really is hell on the knees. I think mine broke.
Yeah, I'm never doing that again.
"Who are you! If you are an accomplice of-" One of the women begins but I don't let their foul, villainous mouths keep spouting lies by interrupting them with my own, far more righteous voice.
"Halt! Evildoers! Ganging up on an innocent man like this is beyond cruel! I shall not allow such a travesty to continue! Prepare for battle fiends!"
Hahahahaha this is so fucking stupid, I'm loving it.
Without wating for them to answer, I rush down the powder woman.
I loose my footing right before I reach her, but I don't loose my balance and the moment my feet touch solid ground again I launch myself at her in one bound so she can't slow me so easily.
"Wait! You're a Hero? If you'd just let us explai-" Powder girl is cut off as I arrive in front of her and land a solid gut punch that leaves her coughing up spittle as she rolls across the ground.
"Stop! We're on the same-".
"Silence! I shall not listen to your villainous excuses!" Once again I don't allow the other blonde to finish speaking, something I know is starting to annoy her which just makes it funnier to me.
"Damnit woman just let me talk! That guy's the-" She stops her words in order to send a knight forward to intercept me, but I am too fast for it to be a threat and I simply flip over it, mostly for the style points.
It would have been more efficient to just side step it, but that's not heroic enough.
I reach her in the next breath and she waves her arms out in front of her as she hastily steps back.
"W-wait! I'm a H-" I don't wait and my fist buries itself in her gut, harder than with the other woman so she just collapses onto me, knocked unconscious.
"Huzza!! The evil has been felled!" My god this is almost as cringey as it is fun.
With the woman on my shoulder, I make my way over to the other woman who is curled up on the ground with Belt Man standing not too far away.
"Worry not good man! The evil is no more!" I righteously declare, much to his visible amusement.
ππ°πΆπ¨π© π€π°πΆπ¨π©.
"No you idiot." I look down at the pained whisper to meet little Miss Dust Bomb's eyes, "π©π¦'π΄ the villain, not us."
Her words hardly come out with any volume thanks to my earlier debilitating hit, though she'd probably be fine in a bit anyway.
"Truly? And what are his crimes? Walking down the street with black skin!? You brute!~" I exclaim with a level of drama that would have the theatre kids bowing down to me as their god.
Best part is that he's not even black.
She apparently doesn't share my humour however, nor does she seem to understand that surely no one could actually be as retarded as I am acting.
"No. He is a serial rapist and a murderer." Her eyes close after she manages to get her words out, no doubt accepting her fate, or just hoping to regain some energy before making a break for it. Or maybe she's stalling for backup.
Ah shit. Backup.
Welp! Best to wrap this all up then.
"No shit?~" I say, turning to the suddenly nervous Belt Man. Nerves that are quickly replaced with amusement thanks to my next words. "Hell yeah brother! Gimme five!"
I raise my hand to him and with a smirk of his own he slaps it, the crisp sound making the woman blink from where she lies below us.
Belt Man decides to take things from there as he kneels over the woman with a disgusting smile on his face.
"Clearly you don't recognise her, but this is the cape that's been making the news recently. She's a villain, like me. And now I'm gonna make you pay for what you did to me. First, I'm gonna- πΆπ³π€π¬"
Unfortunately for him, he doesn't get to finish his likely incredibly rude sentence as my hand erupts from the front of his throat and with a simple yank, I pull my hand up and take his head off with it, splattering blood all over both me and the woman below.
Looking down at her shocked and confused face with a smile, I answer her thoughts.
"I'm all for kinky stuff, but I recently had a run in with some rapists and am currently not on talking terms with them.~"
I don't know why I even bothered explaining myself. It's not like she's going to be able to tell anyone.
Unless I should spare her so that she can help out my image?
Nah. The Clowns are young and not only do we not have too much muscle but we don't even have much of a rep yet.
It's a good idea to have a bogeyman of sorts so that people take us seriously.
With that in mind, I kick the woman in the face to knock her out and I quickly set about gathering the bodies of the three to snack on before I go to sleep tonight.
I end up having to eat the guys' head right there though, because three bodies are difficult enough to carry without an extra detached head to consider.
It's only after I've gone back to the alley and scared the shit out of the homeless woman, taken my stuff to a random house and killed its occupants that I realise that I could have used my ribbons to help me carry all the bodies.
I really am stupid sometimes.
Ah well, tomorrow I will arrive in Denver and my job will finally begin.
I'm looking forward to it.
-----------------------------
A/N: He~llo! Dear readers!
For the first time in a while I wasn't completely shattered when I wrote this chapter. I'm not sure if that effected the quality at all, but it was certainly more enjoyable to write without feeling like I'm going to pass out.
Also, I feel a hesitancy about making things too dark for some reason. Like, Lusia doesn't particularly care about rape, or anything really. She only killed disliked the guy because as she said, she's not on speaking terms with rapists right now after the last ones reminded her of something she would much rather forget.
Idk. I'm going to have to bite the bullet soon with the arc I have coming up and I think that once I cross that line I'll be cool with doing it again.
We'll see, we'll see.
Comments
Lucy Edwards
shit was painful. Never again.
ChaoticThief
Well you were bumping out chapters left and right on your last fic.
Lucy Edwards
also idk why my comments dox my old account Edit: nvm, it only shows my other account name when I am in the notifications tab for some reason.
Lucy Edwards
lol, you have no idea. In my last fic I was doing 28k words a week
Scarletmenace
Finally caught up. Glad I found this gem of a story. But ya take care of yourself or ya gonna burn out. Or not, Iβm not your mom.
ChaoticThief
Jus go with the flow. Donβt try to force it. Or maybe try to force itβs in spirit after all
