Kevin the Bored
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87 Speedrun 2 Electric Boogaloo
🕑 Added 2023-06-14 08:57:31 +0000 UTCAfter spending at least a couple of hours locked in a big dark room, constantly getting attacked by a tornado of glass that can't even draw blood from my skin, I must admit to getting a little bit bored.
The only actual way that Shatterbird's glass can even cause me any harm is by bypassing the skin via already existing holes, but that was a problem easily solved by making myself a pair of panties with a partial manifestation of my armour.
Combined with manifesting the mask at the same time and plugging my ears with my fingers and suddenly she is completely incapable of causing me harm.
Which, just going by the increasingly erratic movements of the glass, is probably pissing her off a little.
So I decide to offer an alternative to save us both some trouble.
"Hey Shatter, I don't know if you can hear me, but I have an offer for you! How about we call this a day here and I pass your test, in exchange let's say I owe you a favour. Deal?"
Owing a favour is basically getting things for free as far as I am concerned, because I like getting side quests anyway, so whatever the favour is, it will probably be interesting, or at least distracting enough for me to be willing to do it as a request instead of needing the favour.
So naturally I am feeling pretty good about myself when after a minute of silence, the glass around me all falls to the ground at once and the next moment light once again streams into the room as the door is opened.
And thank god for that. Sitting in a room for hours with nothing to do is not my idea of a good time. In fact it's like, my exact idea of a bad time.
I hate being bored.
Dismissing my constructs that I should really get a proper name for, I walk back through the same door, just as naked as when I entered it and just as unbothered by said nudity.
It's not like I have anything to be ashamed of. Other than my hair that I have to dye to keep looking nice, every single part of my body is exactly how I want it to be.
Considering I can shapeshift now, that really goes to say just how badly I won the genetic lottery.
Or it just shows a lot of ego that has built up over time, who's to say really.
Either way, I walk out of the building as naked as the day I was born to find that the RV has been moved to be in front of the door and that most of the Nine, or I suppose Seven if you don't count me, are sitting in front of the RV in lawn chairs and staring at me as I exit.
Bunch of perverts.
How fun.
With a grin I spend a minute striking a pose or two before picking my clothes up from the ground where Birdy left them and get dressed.
Three tests to go then.
With a smile on my face, I saunter up to the others and give them an exaggerated wave that only Bonesaw and funnily enough, Crawler reciprocate.
Hatchet Face just responds by making rude gestures with his hands that I do my best to ignore, mostly because I don't want to burst out laughing while one of the remaining three are giving me their tests.
"So what's next?" I chirp, happy that the tests have all been pretty easy so far.
I don't know why I felt the need to jinx myself.
"I'd say congratulations on passing Shatterbird's test but honestly it was clearly not a very compatible test for you. Alas, what's done is done, now it's time for Mannequin's test."
In response to Jack's oddly smug words, Mannequin makes some weird clicking and tapping noises, partly from literally tapping his shell of a body and partly from some internal mechanisms.
The dude is basically a robot after all, and it's not like he has any openings to speak through, but how the fuck am I supposed to understand what he's saying?
Does everyone here know morse code or something? Because the only morse code I know is S.O.S. so I'm kind of lost here.
Jack however doesn't seem to share my lack of understanding, as once Mannequin stops making noises, Jack nods his head as if he just heard a completely reasonable thing.
Is it wrong that this is the part I'm finding weirdest about these guys? Rather than like, all the death and torture and stuff?
"Mannequin's test is for you to change something about yourself." Jack has an annoyingly smug look about him when he says that while I just start feeling incredibly confused.
Change something about myself? How infuriatingly vague.
What does he expect me to do? Start wearing dresses?
"Uhh, such as? You guys know I'm a regenerator right? Any tattoo or whatever will just go away once the skin has to regenerate, probably, and for the same reason it's not like I can turn myself into a cripple. So what? You want me get a nice hat or something?"
Mannequin doesn't move an inch, further selling the image of being a robot, helped along by the fact that I can't actually even smell any flesh on him.
I mean, I know he used to be Sphere, the Hero who set out to colonise the moon, but that doesn't mean he couldn't have just turned himself into a robot since then.
However Jack answers in his place with a crafty smile.
"Your hair." He only says two words at first but they are enough to make me freeze, if only for a moment.
Trying to play it off, even though I know he caught my reaction, I pretend to be oblivious.
"What about it? You want me to match Ringlets over there?" I nod towards Bonesaw who gasps and starts nodding like I just offered her an entire candy store.
My god she is too adorable!
"Nothing like that no, you will just have to show the world your natural hair, instead of hiding it away." Jack's grin has grown positively malicious, who'd have thought.
I get the feeling he might have been feeling a bit miffed at how easily I have been breezing through tests so far.
More importantly, how does he even know about my hair? Even more importantly, how does he know I hate it so much? Can he read minds or something?
No, that doesn't seem right. Maybe he really is just that good at reading people?
That would make more sense. No way he could keep a group like this together without being good at understanding people.
Haaah.
With a depressed sigh, I don't bother arguing, understanding the futility of doing so. Instead I just extend my blood to cover my right forefinger to turn it into a decently sized scythe which I raise to my head.
Then, with only a little bit of hesitation, I scalp myself.
My flesh, alongside all of the dyed brown hair it was carrying drop the the floor with a wet slap and at the same time the top of my hear regenerates almost immediately, rapidly followed by my hair.
It's a sickly looking pale white, the kind of hair that you would expect to see in the hospital on terminally ill people and it grows all the way down to the middle of my back before stopping.
I hate it.
I used to love my hair, back when it was a nice golden blond. Now I'm stuck with this crap. Like I'm some kind of albino.
I take a handful of my hair and bring it in front of my face and just stare at it for a moment.
Yeah, I hate this.
It seems you continue to haunt me even after your death, huh Jason.
Well there goes my good mood I guess.
I suppose the only upside I can think of is that if I'm to be running with 𝘵𝘩𝘦 murderhobos, then I guess I can just try and get as much blood on my head as possible in the hope of dying it red instead.
I'm not sure if that's really how that works, but either way, having bloody hair is got to be better than this crap.
Plus it would smell nice. Oh, there's an idea. Maybe I should try making shampoo with blood in it? I'd certainly like the smell and it could probably help seduce the sext tiger lady too.
I'm brought out of my thoughts by the excited clapping of Bonesaw who rapidly starts talking once I look at her.
"My turn! My turn! My turn!" She exclaims, practically bouncing up from her seat in excitement that brings a smile back to my face.
Before anyone else can speak, she bounces over to me and takes me by the hand, leading me to the RV.
"You don't have to do anything! Just stay still ok!? I wanna see what you look like under your skin! Brutes and Changers like you sometimes have reeeeally interesting parts!"
What a creepy thing for a child to say, and yet she still seems so adorable when she says it.
"Cool.~" I say as she takes us into the RV, engaging her in her interests, "mind explaining things as you go? 'Cuz I'm kind of interested in what you'll find out?~"
The way she stops and spins to face me is slightly startling, but the way she seems to inflate and start shaking in place as if she is about to explode has me worried that I just accidentally triggered some kind of self destruct sequence.
That is, until she opens her mouth.
"YES!!" She screams at me before jumping forward to give me a hug that I return, only moderately confused, "I am so happy big sister wants to learn with me!!"
Oh my god. I practically melt at the overload of sweetness rolling off of the girl.
I don't know how much of this I can take, she's just so damn adorable.
Reaching down slightly to match her height, I wrap my arms around her and lift her up, squeezing her tight and spinning in a circle.
"You are so fu-" "Language!" "freakin' ADORABLE!!!" I exclaim as I rub our cheeks together with a smile while she starts giggling and hugging me back.
That is, until I open my eyes from their bliss and see Siberian standing right in front of me, staring me in the eye.
Ah.
𝘈𝘩𝘦𝘮
Clearing my throat slightly, I slowly put Bonesaw down, ignoring her stifling giggles to focus on the most literal definition of tiger mom I have ever seen with a smile on my face.
"Yo Tiger.~ Come to join the fun?~" I ask with my arms spread wide, offering a hug.
She doesn't reciprocate, but she does crack a soft smile for a moment before putting a hand on Bonesaw's shoulder and leading her away, which I follow until we end up in a small surgery room.
Good thing this is one of those big RVs. It would suck if I had to spend my time shoulder to shoulder with Hatchet Face or something.
Walking into the room, I take note of the attempt at a clinical appearance that kind of fails with all the bloodstains and organs in jars all over the place, making it seem more like a mad doctors lab in a horror movie.
Which, admittedly, does make a lot of sense considering that this literally is the lab of a mad doctor. Though I don't think she's actually a licenced medical professional.
There is a single operating table in the middle of the room that has some manacles built into it for the arms, legs and neck. Further showing a lack of care for OSHA regulations.
Bonesaw starts looking through draws and cabinets on the other side of the room with Siberian following her like a shadow and I start poking around at the organs and other unidentifiable things in jars around the room.
"So, where do we start?" I ask as I turn around, hearing the pitter pattering sound of Bonesaw's little feet paddling along the room.
By the time I fully turn around, she is already right right in front of me and before I can even open my mouth to say anything, she stabs me in the leg with a syringe.
Rude.
I move my hand down to take out the needle, only to suddenly lose control of my body and collapse face first on the ground, nobody bothering to catch me.
Double rude.
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A/N: He~llo! Dear readers!
Honestly I was under the impression that the tests would be over in one chapter, hence calling it a speedrun. But clearly I'm an idiot. Ah well, there's only Bonesaw's test to finish and Jacks to start and then Lusia will officially be a scary motherfucker to the whole nation.
Fun times.
Also, I am going to Spain in like, 5 hours from now. But I can write in my notes during the flight so you won't have to worry about my uploads slowing down or anything... especially since I've been doing a few double chapters recently anyway (mostly cuz it's too hot to play For Honor without wanting to throw my controller at the wall. Heat makes you quicker to anger and FH is an incredibly rage inducing game lmao)
Comments
ChaoticThief
Skill issue. Play cent
