Kevin the Bored
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90 Plans 2 Electric Boogaloo
🕑 Added 2023-06-16 11:50:41 +0000 UTCStanding in front of the others, I slap my hand on the blackboard behind me, forcing them to look at where I have written 'Super cool awesome plan' with white chalk.
We've already nearly arrived at the location for my latest play and I must admit that Jack sure knows how to pick a fitting venue.
Columbus, Ohio is the city I debuted in and now I am going to debut as a member of the Nine in Columbus, Georgia. How quaint.
"Ladies, gentlemen and Fucket Face-" "Hey!" "-I gather you here today to share with you my super cool awesome plan!~" I exclaim while puffing out my chest but only Bonesaw claps excitedly.
I give her a smile while we all collectively ignore Hatchet Face's existence. I really hope one of the candidates in this city kill him, though I kind of doubt it as none of them are all that interesting.
"Firstly I'll say that we aren't going to be doing things the usual way. After all, we have two pretty good Tinkers with us, so I figured we could do something more fun than just killing everyone."
It amuses me that some of them seem genuinely confused on what they could do that isn't just boring and repetitive old murder.
"I have two main ideas for entertainment purposes. One is for Bonesaw and the other is for Mannequin, who wants to go first?~" As expected, Bonesaw is once again the one to jump up, raising her arm in the air desperately.
"Me! Me! Me! I want to go first!" My god, she really is so damn adorable. Did she modify herself to be extra cute or something? Like the weakest Stranger power ever?
Eh, who cares.
"Alrighty then! Your task is simple, I want you to Tinker up some kind of virus or something that can infect all of the salt in the city so that anyone who consumes any salt is sent into a mindless, homicidal rage. Can you do that?"
As I speak, I take out a stick of chalk and start loudly drawing on the board behind me, drawing a picture of two stick-people eating a whole chicken while a chibi Bonesaw hovers above them with a maniacal grin as she pours salt down onto the food.
Next to that I draw the same two stick-people with cross-popping veins on their heads as they rip each other to pieces with chibi Bonesaw laughing in the background.
It's difficult to draw gore with just chalk.
Bonesaw watches me draw and then ponders for a moment before nodding her head eagerly.
"Yup! I can do that. But why salt? It will be harder to make if I have to bind it to something, rather than just leaving it as a gas or infecting the water or something."
Stuff like that my dear, is exactly why I've always thought of you losers as a tacky bunch, because there is one thing you always seem to lack.
"Subtlety. Everybody needs to eat and drink, but if you put it in the water they will quickly realise the source and start importing large amounts of bottled water, but everyone also needs to eat. However if you made something else, like garlic the problem then they would figure that out pretty quickly too, but just about everything has salt in it, even things that aren't food. So it will take longer for anyone to figure out the cause."
At least that's the plan anyway. I'm not a chemist and with all the parahumans out there it's not beyond the scope of belief that they will figure the problem out immediately.
But that's the glory of choosing salt as the method of contamination. Because even if they figure out that they should stop using it, they will then be struck with another problem. Namely the fact that they can't use salt.
With Shatterbird fucking up basically all the technology in the city, salt will be the only method of preservation left for their food. It puts them in a lose-lose situation.
Moving on, I wipe away my artwork and start drawing anew, leaving the only sounds as the tap tapping of my chalk on the board and my voice narrating along with it.
This time, I just draw a portion of a street with a bunch of stick-people all around the place with their legs caught in bear traps, or their arms and heads caught in bear traps in the case of people trying to pen doors or walking too close to walls.
"Alright, now Mannequin. I want you to take over a factory or two and start pumping out as many bear traps, or really any similar kind of traps as you can. Then we can turn the entire 𝘤𝘪𝘵𝘺 into a minefield. We can hide the traps on the streets, on alley walls, on door handles or even turn fire extinguishers into flamethrowers!~ I trust that you can make plenty of well hidden traps that can be mass distributed across the city, right Alan?"
I feel two pairs of eyes snap to me at full attention, one being Mannequin and the other being Jack himself.
A moment passes before Mannequin nods once and gets up, presumably to get to work on what I asked while Jack just stares at me with a poorly hidden dangerous look in his eye.
Heh. I figured as much.
Alan Gramme, formerly Sphere, spent most of his life trying to better humanity, to take us to the stars!~
Unfortunately for him, the Simurgh didn't seem to like that and as the scariest of the Endbringers, she did what she did best. She killed his family and twisted his mind.
After which he took up the name Mannequin and started roaming the country, killing everyone he could find that was succeeding where he failed, helping people with technology.
I overheard Jack call him Alan earlier thanks to my enhanced senses and this idea popped into my head that maybe the reason Jack can control him is because by calling him by his name, you remind him of everything he has lost.
It seems like I was right too. Call him by his name and he jumps at a change to hurt people again.
The only problem is that now that I've done that, Jack might start trying to get me killed. But that's fine since I doubt he'll do anything too overt, as that would be boring.
"Cool. As for the rest of you, well everyone has voted for their candidates, so I guess just go about and do your tests. They'll serve as a decent distraction to stop people from noticing Mannequin at work."
Most of the others nod at my words but Shatterbird opens her mouth to ask a question.
"How exactly do you expect us to hide traps all around the city? Because I can tell you now that I am not doing that." She seems personally insulted at the thought that I'd even try to get her to do manual labour, but I just smile at her.
"𝘖𝘣𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘭𝘺 we just get a couple hundred civilians and force them to do it, then kill them all so they can't give away the locations after we leave. Part of the fun of this whole thing is that they will still be dealing with the shit we do for years after we're gone. It's either that or they'll have to just abandon the city entirely, that's the goal.~"
I can tell that some of them are at least a little sceptical, though that is probably at least in part because it's me giving the instructions rather than ol' Jacky boy, but they at least seem interested and that is enough for now.
Especially since Siberian seems happy with the plan, and really she's the most important to convince.
After all, I get the feeling that Jack and I might clash at some point, so I'd rather have the others on my side of the field and the most important pieces here are Siberian and Crawler, the latter of which I'm pretty sure I've already won over.
We're both pretty similar after all, at least enough for him to understand me and to feel like I understand him, so all I really need is to get Siberian on my side and I basically win.
Though, this is a battle of charisma rather than one of fists, so who knows how it will end really, especially with Jack seeming to be able to read minds or something adjacent to that.
As the others each go about to do their own thing, Bonesaw running off to start working on my virus with Siberian on her heels, I catch up with Shatterbird and pull her aside.
"Yes?" She asks with a raised brow while I smile in return.
"I just wanted to talk about your role for a sec. I was hoping you could do something new with your power this time, 'cuz you always seem to just do the same thing to my knowledge and I was thinking you could do something more fun this time?"
Her eyes immediately sharpen and gain a threatening tint that tells me that I might have accidentally upset her a little bit.
"What is that supposed to mean? I am the announcer of the Nine, I am irreplaceable." She practically growls at me and I can hear the glass of her costume rattling with her mood.
Now that's simply not true dear. Everyone in the Nine is replaceable, no exceptions.
Not that I'm going to tell her that.
"Not what I'm saying at all Shatter, of the people I know of that can drastically effect an entire city in one go you are like, half of them. No, I'm just saying to change things up a little. You usually just scream and shatter everything and leave it at that, I was thinking that you could turn the entire city into the eye of the storm, so to speak, by getting all the glass in the city to swirl in a ring around us like a tornado. It would probably limit your senses sure, but it'd be cool as fuck."
And like that, she is instantly mollified. Going from feeling murderous to contemplative in a matter of seconds.
"I'll think about it." Is all she says before turning and walking away, leaving me standing there with nothing to do.
Eh, guess I'll go find Crawler.
It's not a particularly difficult thing to do with his frame being like that of a vans and his scent being rather powerful.
When I do find him he is doing much the same as he usually is, just chilling like a house cat.
A few of his eyes open at my approach but they close soon after acknowledging me.
"Sup Bitch, you dreaming about getting pegged again?" I greet as I walk up to his side and sit down, resting my back against him.
He just lets out a huff in response to my insulting words before speaking in his own, deep and barely legible voice, sounding like grinding gravel.
"Who starts a conversation like that? And if either of us were getting fucked, we both know it'd be you." I close my eyes and smile as I relax into his side, enjoying the simple companionship.
"True true, I am insanely sexy after all, while you're just insane. But who knows? I've heard there are some really kinky women out there, so you might have a chance someday." I mockingly encourage him, earning myself a swift retort.
"Aren't you one of those really kinky women yourself? And I'm not interested anyway."
"I'm not 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 kinky." I defend, only to be silenced by his following words.
"I've seen you with a mouth full of human flesh, masturbating with one hand while Siberian is eating fingers from your other hand." Even with his voice being as fucked up as it is, I can still feel the dryness in his tone.
A moment passes between us in silence as I try and fail to think of a counter to his words before just giving up.
"Touché."
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A/N: He~llo! Dear readers!
I hate myself fr fr. I literally spent ages complaining about that big ass, 14k words fight I did in the last Columbus, and now I'm in another Columbus doing yet another big thing with a bunch of variables to keep track of :(
idk what I'm doing.
