Kevin the Bored
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161 Unexpected Side-Quest
🕑 Added 2023-08-30 21:44:37 +0000 UTCIt's as I'm pulling into Albany with my new truck that I 'found' on the road and decided to 'borrow' for the sake of hiding all the little gremlin creatures that I captured.
I only got the small ones, with the first of them being the tallest at three foot, so it's not like I couldn't have carried them all on my bike, but that's a little bit too obvious even for me.
So instead I found this truck and put the bike in the back, with the dozen or so gremlins I caught being held down in the backseats by my blood-turned chains.
But it's only then, as the sun is starting to rise, that I get an unexpected call.
"Heya Crusty!~ Something happen?" I ask, wondering why he'd call when he knows that I'll be in the city soon enough.
I decided to take New York's Fast Travel back so I can take the opportunity to discuss the specifics of how said Fast Travel network will work for him and The Elite as a whole from now onwards.
"About that, it appears that your minder, Hideout, has been kidnapped. I am simply calling to inform you that I have prepared a replacement who will be waiting for you. Hideout will be ready to continue her role shortly, as it appears she was kidnapped as a civilian by some foolish traffickers that were unaware of her identity, the whole issue will be sorted by weeks end."
I give myself a moment to absorb his words, and then, I 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩 my ass off, even having to park the car so I don't crash.
I can't help it, it's just too funny.
"Haha- just, just tell me where she is, I'll get her back for you, she's a good minder.~" I do my best to stifle my giggles as I speak.
Oh I am 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 going to let her live this one down. Imagine getting kidnapped by a bunch of 𝘩𝘶𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘴, how pathetic.
"If that's what you want, then I don't mind. I'll text you their address, though I'd ask you not cause any more of a commotion, as with the emergency currently taking place up North, that I'm sure you have nothing to do with, the PRT would likely not respond well to any fires in the city."
Guess they're still fighting Nilbog's creatures then. It's been like two hours though? Surely it shouldn't be that hard to have cleared them all out by now?
Eh, not my problem.
"Sure sure, I'll put my sneaky shoes on.~ See ya in a bit then Elevated Crust.~" With one hand I hang up the phone and with the other I put the truck back into gear.
Time to be prince charming I guess.
It only takes me about an hour to make it to the address I was given, some abandoned warehouse on the edge of the city. There seem to be a lot of those going around these days, or is it just normal for there to be more warehouses than there are being used?
I have no idea what the average warehouse to warehouse in use is supposed to be.
Either way, I park across the street, only detaching my blood after double checking that all my new gremlins are securely locked in place by my blood, all the while the two of them capable of speaking yell muffled insults at me.
"You know I can't understand what you're saying with your mouths bound right? And if I don't know what you're saying, then I'm just gonna assume you're complimenting me. So the more noise you make, the better I feel about myself?~"
They all immediately silence themselves.
Too easy.~
They're so stupid, like children. Just a little reverse psychology works like a charm.
Ah well, I guess they haven't really been exposed to humanity enough to know any better.
I doubt anyone will walk past the truck as I'm fetching Clara, but just in case I extend some more blood to black out the windows.
Perfect.
Setting off at a casual stroll, I get to the front door and simply raise my hand, allowing a stream of my blood to flow through the cracks, unlocking the door and cutting through the hatch on the other side.
This breaking and entry stuff is easy.
Disappointingly, the inside isn't any less dilapidated than the outside, ruining my image of a proper hideout, but my enthusiasm is returned when I hear dear Clara's voice from further inside.
"No, I am not a virgin," I can hear her say, and I can imagine the eye roll that she said it with.
"Mhm, next. Same question." Some voice follows, alongside the sound of scribbling something down on a clipboard.
"Y-yes." This voice seems to be that of a young woman's, and I can tell she's lying even from all the way over here.
I guess she's hoping that being virginal will mean she's safe from being touched or something, so as to keep her value. Clearly she reads too many novels.
"Oh? Nick, Brad, check that. Next, same question." The guy continues down the line without a care, even as the sounds of two men moving forward to grab the girl can be heard.
She puts up some resistance, clear by the annoying screaming, but either Nick or Brad solve that problem with a quick thwack.
"I said, same question," the guy repeats, shortly followed by a meek negative.
Which is when I reach the entrance to the main area, and simply open the door and walk in without a care.
Unsurprisingly, Clara is the first to notice me, being the most aware of the bunch, and she hangs her head in defeat the moment she sees my shit-eating grin.
It's only a couple of seconds later that one of the men standing around notice me.
"Oi! Who the hell are you!?" He loudly demands, bringing everyone's attention to me.
"Uwaah!~ Don't all look at me at once!~ I get stage freight.~" I exclaim as I cup my cheeks and twist on myself nervously.
The guy who called out to me gets annoyed and moves to continue shouting, but clearly the guy going down the row of naked women is on the smarter side.
"Who are you, and what are your intentions here?" He asks while gesturing his men to stand down.
Smart guy. If I was wearing anything clown themed right now he'd probably even figure it out by himself.
"Hmmm, who am I?~" I ask while tapping my chin with my forefinger, no longer displaying any nervousness, "that's quite the philosophical question isn't it?~ What even is identity?~ But maybe you can answer for me?~"
With a simple thought, my eyes transform, sclera turning black and iris turning a deep red that practically glows with power and malice.
"Do you know who I am?~" I ask, finishing my words with a sadistic grin at the growing scent of fear.
"Yes." He impressively manages to keep his voice level, despite the fear that is clear for me to see.
"Who am I?" I ask, mostly just curious how people remember me these days.
"You're Tear. The Cannibal Clown of Columbus, the woman who ended the Nine and who put a hole in the middle of Denver. You're a Monster spoken of in the same breath as the Faerie Queen. Lusia Abel."
Man, this guy really 𝘪𝘴 smart, because that introduction has me feeling all warm on the inside, enough that I don't even want to kill him. Not that I really did in the first place, but that's not the point.
Practically preening at his words, I raise my nose up and change my character again to that of a posh, uptight woman.
"Indeed, that is I. Feel free to praise my magnificence more.~"
"Words fail to adequately describe your beauty. Would you mind explaining your purpose here?" He says, gulping once as the only proof of his nerves.
I like this guy, he's definitely going to live.
"Oh, just here to pick up a friend, you don't mind, do you?~" I say, gesturing to the row of naked women, which, upon closer inspection, is quite the sight.
Guess this is one of the sex things, rather than the organ things, because all of these women are bombshells.
...Except for the ones that are clearly underage. Teenagers don't have the curves to be sexy. Unless they're like, mature seventeen year olds or something, maybe.
Eh, who cares, boobies, that's what matters.
"I wasn't aware we bothered a friend of yours. Please, by all means," he says, swinging an arm wide in invitation.
Walking closer to the lot of them, a little over a dozen, I let out a whistle as my eyes roam freely over their bodies.
I may not have a rape fetish, but I'm still not a good person, and boobies are nice.
"Hey Clara, how's the breeze?~" I ask, making her glare at me, which reminds me that I should probably be mad.
But I'm not really the possessive type, so long as they don't do anything to hurt her, then I don't care if they stare. Hell, Clara could have a half dozen partners on the side and I wouldn't care.
God knows I'm cheating on her enough for it to be hypocritical.
"Can you just get me out of these cuffs and some clothes please?" She asks, sounding defeated enough that I should probably lay off the teasing and be more considerate.
"Sure sure, since you got captured by a bunch of humans, which is just embarrassing, I guess I have to come bail you out.~" Despite my mocking words, I do break her cuffs off and help her stand.
Following which I place my right arm over her shoulder and cover her body with my blood, fashioning it into a crude sort of clothing before detaching it, though I keep my arm over her.
"Now then, first of all, do you want me to kill anyone here? All of them maybe?~" I sincerely ask Clara, making the men flinch, though the girls seem to grow hopeful, clearly not understanding that they were included in that 'everyone' too.
"Those two, and him." Clara doesn't hesitate to point out three men, and before they could even move or voice any complaints, three spikes of blood shoot out from my left shoulder and pierce straight through their chests, just below the collarbone.
In the silence that follows, no one says anything as we all watch the three spikes grow from their wounds and spread to cover the entire body in a thin layer of blood.
𝘊𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘩!
The three silhouettes start compressing in on themselves, being crushed by the weight of my blood until nothing is left, their flesh completely consumed by me.
Wouldn't want to leave a mess, and it feels nice to eat actual human meat after all the goblins, even if I'm eating it through my blood, which is nowhere near as good as using my actual mouth.
"Cool, anything else?~" I once more ask, and I notice her eyes drifting to the other girls, "what, you want to kill some of them too?~ You jealous of that girls tits or something?~ Don't worry, your tits are the perfect size as they are, they don't need to be any bigger.~"
"What!? No! I don't want you to kill any of them. And I'm not jealous of her tits!" Clara rebukes, too flustered to keep the calm poise she was going for.
How cute.~
"So you want to keep one or something?~ So long as you feed and take care of it.~" Unfortunately Clara doesn't seem to enjoy my teasing as much as I do.
"Luci! Will. You. Stop!? Just let them go okay?" She sounds kind of like a spoiled princess demanding things, which is actually kind of accurate.
There's very little I would not do if she were to simply ask.
"Sure sure, whatever you say.~ Hey, uh, whatever your name is," I say to the smart guy, continuing to talk before he can introduce himself, "how much for the lot of them?"
Everyone in the room turns to stare at me with confusion once I finish speaking, and it takes me a moment to realise why.
These rude individuals thought I'd simply be a brute and take with force.
"What? Don't you know that you should support your local businesses? You should only steal from corporations!~" I declare righteously, before going back to normal as I finish speaking, "besides, The Elite are already after them for intruding on their territory, no need to kick a gang while it's down, especially with such a fine leader-"
Hey now, that's an idea.
"Change of plans! What's your name?," I ask smart guy, learning that it's Charlie, "well Charles, how'd you like to leave the life of crime behind and work for a criminal instead? The pay is steady and lucrative and the work is a lot more safe. Whaddaya say?~"
I've decided to hire him for Last Laugh Inc., because you can never have enough competent subordinates, especially for a business that operates nation-wide with a whole lot of cape stuff going on behind the arcade façade.
However he seems to be somewhat troubled by my offer. Luckily for me, I know the secret ingredient to getting people to like and agree with you.
Bribery.
"There's a starting bonus of one million dollars."
"Deal."
Well that was easy.
"Do you care about any of these guys?~" I say, gesturing to the men around us, all of whom are suddenly giving Charlie some rather pleading stares that he promptly ignores.
"Not really," is his bland response, and the rest of the men immediately start running.
"Cool," I say, and nine more spikes shoot our from my body, impaling them all and dragging them together into one big pile that is promptly swallowed whole by a manifested mouth.
"Welp, you're all free to go now. I'm not making you any clothes, so good luck I guess,~" I say to the women as I release them from their bindings.
None of them thank me, which is just rude.
"A'ight, let's go. I wanna shower."
Just as casually as I entered, I leave. This time with a man and woman following after me, the latter glaring at the former who just seems uncomfortable.
Ah fuck, I think as we reach the truck, I forgot that only the front seats are free.
Oh well.
"Clara, you gotta sit on my lap, Charles, you're shotgun. Don't touch any of the things in the back seat, I have genuinely no idea how venomous they are.~"
Both of them seem confused by my words until we actually get in the car and they see the dozen or so snarling little abominations against nature.
Clara just gives me a look like she's not even surprised, which is just rude.
I'll have to do better next time. Maybe if I came back with moonrock at some point?
Wait, never mind. Space is Simurgh's territory. I'm not going there, ever. Unless she moves, but I don't see that happening.
Whatever, I want that shower, and maybe even some sex if I can convince Clara. I get the feeling she won't be in the mood.
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A/N: He~llo! Dear readers!
This chapter was just to highlight that it's not actually easy to piss off Lusia, and also that she really isn't a good person. I was fully planning on her just paying for the women and letting them go, like buying a pokemon just to release it, but then as I was writing it I realised she could just hire him instead.
Also, I was recommended this "Genocide Online ~Playtime Diary of an Evil Young Girl~" to read, and though the translation is kinda ass, this shit is fucking hilarious. Like, the mc turns into a serial killer on the second chapter. Murder hobo is an understatement lmao
Comments
Scarletmenace
Pfff. Comparing the women to Pokémon in the pc box xD
