Kevin the Bored
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1 A Legend Never Dies
🕑 Added 2023-09-14 15:47:17 +0000 UTC"Every enemy I have respected, is now dead. Which is why.. I can only apologise for respecting you so much."
The words feel so distant, like a foggy memory in the muddy waters of my mind.
What is happening? What happened?
I try to recall my last memory, but it's as if my thoughts are traveling through a thick syrup, everything feels so slow.
"Art is an explosion."
Just like the aforementioned explosion, I feel my consciousness abruptly snap into focus, the fog clearing from my mind in an instant so fast it is almost jarring.
With reflexes trained and honed over two decades of experience, I jump to my feet as fast as a flash, only to immediately stumble over my own body and fall back to the ground.
What? I think to myself as I lie there, idly recognising the course feeling of sand covering my skin as I stare into the vast starless sky, only a distant moon decorating the blank canvas.
Wasn't I in Kumo? I didn't blast myself all the way to Suna did I?
But the only answer to my thoughts is a painful rumbling in my stomach.
I'm hungry. But it doesn't feel the same. I can't put my finger on it, but this doesn't just feel like simple hunger. If I had to say, it feels more like chakra exhaustion, like my very spirit is hungry.
But that doesn't make any sense. Even an Akimichi's soul doesn't get hungry, no matter what they'll tell you.
Deciding that just lying here and pondering things isn't going to answer any questions, I try to sit up, only to completely fail in that endeavour, being forced to roll onto my stomach instead.
When I try again, this time I do stand up. On four legs.
...What the fuck is happening right now?
I try to mould my chakra into some water so I can look in a reflection, but that also proves to be a pointless endeavour as my chakra is just gone.
"Well, that's disheartening," I say, only for my voice to come out barely legible even to my own ears, sounding more like an animal's grunting than actual words, which, ironically enough, is even more disheartening.
Letting out a long suffering sigh, I get the distinct feeling that I'm not going to be particularly happy once I figure out what is going on.
Unfortunately, I'm not even given the opportunity to bemoan my fate as my well honed instincts flare up like they haven't in years.
The excitement that floods my veins at the old yet familiar feeling of dancing on the edge of death almost distracts me from dodging, but my body's instincts are not so easily dulled.
All four of my legs tense and push off the ground, launching my body an embarrassingly small distance away, but it's enough to avoid the thing that comes exploding out of the earth right where I was standing.
I have no fucking clue what it is, some fucked up summon probably, or maybe something like that Chimera Jutsu I have some vague memory about, but whatever it is it looks like some unholy mix between a scorpion and an earthworm, but with a weirdly human bone-white mask right at the front.
This certainly doesn't match the descriptions of the purelands I've heard about, so I guess I drew the short straw and got sent to hell. No big shock there to be honest, I've got a lot of innocent blood on my hands, even for a shinobi.
The worm hell-beast thing turns to me and lets out a 'scary' roar that I promptly ignore in favour of trying to launch a Jutsu.
Naturally, nothing happens, because I don't have any fucking chakra, but I try anyway, running through literally every Jutsu I know, hoping for something to stick.
I might not have access to chakra, but I can feel some kind of energy inside of me. It mostly reminds me of Yin chakra, but more 'viscous' I guess. I'll be sure to study it in more depth later when I don't have a fucking spiky worm thing trying to bite me.
At least it's slower than me and clearly stupid, as no matter how many times it attacks, I can easily dodge every move, even being able to split my attention between surviving it and my own thoughts.
I wonder how long I've been dead. Does my daughter know yet?
I hope she is everything I thought she'd be. I'll find my way back one way or another after all, and if she can't at least give me a decent fight when I do then I am going to spank her ass raw and steal all of her money.
...I hope She doesn't take my death too badly. You still have our daughter, be strong, for her if nothing else.
Haaah, whatever. I'm still hungry and this freak smells nice enough.
Not like there's much else around here to eat from just a quick glance about.
Dodging one more mindless charge of the beast, I forget about chakra and just try any of my more instinctual Jutsu, and though I wasn't expecting much, I feel my most infamous technique take hold of me.
In an instant, the raging beast before me stills, turning its head in obvious confusion as it stares at me and I feel a savage grin grow on my unfamiliar face.
Heh, that's right bitch, I am Hanabira Haruno-Senju, Bloody Wraith of Konoha, Sage of the Chameleons! You can't see me....unless....I.....fucking god damnit.
With a profound feeling of bitter disappointment, I open my mouth and with an instinctual flex of muscle, my tongue extends towards the beast, moving as fast as a bullet and impacting it hard enough to knock it to the ground.
...I'm a fucking chameleon? I never should have signed that fucking contract.
...I better at least be a sexy chameleon.
The beast in front of me tries to raise itself back up, but I decide to let out my frustrations at loosing my lovely hair and sexy body that I worked incredibly hard for on him.
With a burst of motion, one that unfortunately seems to tear away the thin membrane of invisibility covering me, I reach the beast, jumping to land on the larger creature's back.
Only for the beast's tail to swing up and slam into my side, barbed spikes digging into my uncomfortably soft flesh and ripping chunks out of my body, splattering us both with black blood.
However, despite the pain in my side, I feel only euphoria. I saw that attack coming from a mile away and had intended to dodge it, but this body is slower than what I'm used to.
I'm weaker than I remember, and I couldn't be happier about it.
It's just like old times, this creature seems to be stronger than me, if not faster, and my main advantage is my stealth once more.
Ignoring the pain in my side, I charge the beast once more, and it's lithe body comes crashing down to meet my charge, it's massive mouth open wide to devour me whole, but at the last moment I jump into the air.
The beast's jaw crashes into the sandy dunes beneath me as I land on the top of it's head, where it once again attempts to strike me with it's scorpion like tail.
However, this time I open my mouth and shoot out my tongue, striking it against the middle of its tail, halting its movement and allowing me the time needed to traverse it's body until I reach the tail' base, whereupon I clamp my jaw around the appendage and squeeze.
Its blood burns as it pools in my mouth, like molten tar it leaks from the creatures stump as I tear the limb off, making the beast shriek in pain.
But without it's main source of offence, the beast is helpless as I rend it's flesh from bone, working my way back up it's body until I reach it's weird mask, which I don't hesitate to bite in half, finally bringing an end to the beast as it slumps down, dead at last.
I need a sword or something. I don't want to have to hunt with my fucking mouth like some kind of animal. It's not like I've got any fucking claws!
If I had to be an animal couldn't I have been a praying mantis or something? They're basically designed for combat, way better than a stupid lizard.
Maybe if I could hold my invisibility as I moved around I'd be less salty about it, but whatever, I cam make it work. Chameleons have pretty decent gripping hands for an animal, it shouldn't be too hard to make a sword or something.
A rumbling from my stomach reminds me of more pressing matters, and I give my surroundings one last look, silently lamenting my options for food until my eyes return to the beast's body.
Hais,~ take what you can, I guess.
I actually end up surprising myself by eating the whole thing, despite it's size dwarfing my own three times over at the least, but the hunger mostly stops being a bother, turning from a burning in my stomach to a distant throbbing in my mind.
I suddenly get the nasty feeling that my new body isn't going to be satisfied no matter how much I eat. It seems fitting, since I'm in hell and all.
After all, without something to make this place suck then it would hardly even be a hell, because this seems like it'll be a blast if it continues how it started.
There's nothing that gets the blood pumping quite like a fight to the death, even sex pales in comparison.
Don't let my wife hear you say that though. Actually, she'd probably be happy to hear it since the less I care for sex the less likely I am to cheat on her.
Don't know why she'd ever suspect me for that though, not after years of filial marriage.
Ahem, anyway.
With my meal over and done with, I take a moment to study my reflection in the pool of pitch black, tar-like blood that is left of my foe.
Definitely a chameleon. Except I also have a weirdly human mask, except it is covered in red markings that form the shape of a butterfly, much to my admittedly amused chagrin.
There better be something I can do to get my charming good looks back, otherwise Shiori will never let me hear the end of this.
I can already see how she'd act.
'Ohhh~ little brother~ what happened?~ Shouldn't you be a cute little butterfly?~ Or did you actually just fail your Sage training?~ Guess you really aren't a match for Minato-sama after all~'.
Okay, maybe I'm projecting a little bit, she's too serious to act like that. She'd just give a me a smug little look and mock me with her eyes.
Hound on the other hand, will probably just point and laugh like the asshole he is.
Shaking my head, I clear my mind of useless thoughts. I've got to find them all first, no doubt they're stuck in hell just like me. How hard can finding them even be? Like finding a needle in a haystack, perchance?
Because a certain asshole named Vulture forced me to do exactly that, without using any chakra as a form of training, though I'm pretty sure he was just being a dick, because he is a dick.
Whatever, no time to reminisce, instead, I should focus on this new form of energy that comes with this body.
As I noticed earlier, it is incredibly similar to Yin chakra, while I seem to be completely devoid of Yang chakra, which doesn't make much sense since I do seem to have a body. The only explanation I can think of is that I don't have a physical body, but a spiritual one, which would match my theory of this being hell.
So the energy I sense is likely some concentrated form of Yin chakra, which I might as well just call soul energy or something, since Yin is half of a whole, while this feels complete all by itself, making it unlikely that there is anything else to it.
Luckily, I was pretty decent at Genjutsu, so it shouldn't be too hard to learn how to manipulate my soul. Probably.
Only one way to find out I guess.
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A/N: He~llo! Dear readers!
Yoooo!~ Hana's back bitches! As a hollow too, which can only lead to good things. As with all my other fics, this will likely take place well before canon, probably a similar amount of time, respectively, compared to my other fics.
Like, the naruto one was about 40 years earlier cuz that still effected canon, the worm one starts 4 years prior to canon, but this one is more likely to be a thousand or some shit.
Also, I just got randomly motivated to write this, I'll prolly not update it till I finish Lusia's story :)
Comments
Lucy Edwards
"A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one"
Scarletmenace
What of any part of that paragraph has anything to do with Star Wars? Lmao
Lucy Edwards
I just realised in the shower just now, but was that a fucking star wars reference?
Lucy Edwards
for now zero, I was just randomly inspired to write it, however I do intend on doing a full series of it once I'm done with current fic. That being said, I'll probably add to this if the mood strikes, so updates will either be non-existent or periodic most likely
Lucy Edwards
lmao, that is true. However, since it is Hana, there will naturally be some horniness, but since he's a sociopath and only really fucks cuz there isn't anything else to do, I don't think it'll be much of an issue. Still, prolly won't write this until I finish current fic, unless I get rlly inspired to do something with it
Scarletmenace
A unexpected update, but a very welcome one. Love hollow stuff but can’t seem to ever find a good one that doesn’t degrade into some SI horny harem grabber. Hope to see more of this shit, loving it!
Veronica
The tag says "one-shot" how many chapters can we expect of this?
