Leo Simon
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The Empire Returns Chapter 22
🕑 Added 2023-07-04 17:46:25 +0000 UTCMe, Armin, and Mikasa were all sitting around a campfire to give us a little bit of warmth, well that and to cook some rabbit that we managed to catch whilst hunting in a forest just outside of Stohess. I've never been much of a hunter, but when you're friends with a prodigy at the art like Sasha is then you're bound to pick up a trick or two, even with her just talking about the entire process a few times I could hunt something down in these mostly barren woods.
Truth be told I got really lucky with catching anything at all, since Maria fell meat is a luxury to the people of the Walls, the woods are mostly being stripped naked of any meat so the prices for the stuff are only rising day by day.
That won't be a problem for long though, once the entire island is retaken we'll have enough meat to go around, more than enough even, and I think I'm looking forward to a feast like that as much as Sasha might be, which is really saying something.
I won't be living for much longer though.
I frowned as that thought entered my head. Truth be told I hated talking about The Curse of Ymir, even after having years to come to terms with it I was terrified of dying, well no that's not it, I am terrified of death but it isn't because of what lies after, it's what I'm leaving behind. Be it Mikasa, Historia, Ymir, Armin, and all of my other friends, I wouldn't be satisfied with leaving this world whilst they're still under threat from Marley, from the outside world, because I know that if the problem isn't solved right now then solving it at all would be impossible, I can't die because I need to leave them behind with a bright future, one where even without me this island can still thrive.
So, I can't die just yet, not at the hands of anyone, be it Reiner, Bertolt, or Marley themselves. I have too much worth fighting for.
The meat of the rabbit carcass singed over the heat of the campfire and I could tell that it would be done soon. I stared up from the food to meet Mikasa's gorgeous grey eyes from across the campfire, we were all sitting in a circle, the three of us weren't exchanging any words at all, the only sound that could be heard throughout the silence of the night was the occasional crackle and burst of fiery sparks that the blaze we'd set would give off.
Still though, their reaction was understandable, in all these years we'd been planning, and in all the years they've known about the outside world, I'd never once mentioned that I was terminally ill, in fact they wouldn't have known at all if Historia hadn't accidentally revealed said fact with a slip of her tongue. part of me was annoyed at her, but another part of me was relieved, I didn't have to keep silent about this anymore.
I could finally be completely honest with them.
"If you guys want to ask anything then you should do it now. I want this awkward silence to end." I mused as I poked the dead animal that we were cooking with a fork to check if it was moist enough for my standards. Yep, looking good.
Armin turned to me at those words, with his attention entirely on me, and Mikasa's eyes seemed also find a sudden interest in the fire that was in the centre of our little circle. Mikasa was, predictably, heartbroken by the revelation that I would be parting from this world in not even a decade, that the person she loved most would be leaving her in a certain number of years, we'd never grow old, we'd never sit on a bench and watch our grandchildren running around as our adult children talked and complained to us about their partners, I wouldn't be there for her when she was old and grey. And for that I can't apologise enough to her.
Then there's Armin though, he was also extremely hurt that I, his best friend, had such limited mortality, and for that I can't help but feel grateful to him. Our ideologies are different, I believe in doing whatever's necessary to overcome the enemy whilst he is a pacifist at heart. I appreciate that about him. Whilst I can't say that I agree with his mindset I've had a long time to think on it and Armin isn't all wrong with his way of thinking. He looks to talk where I resort to fighting, he has hope that the evil people in this world can change, I like that way of thinking. I admire it even. But, for whatever reason I just can't seem to adopt it myself. I'm a fighter by nature, in a world where everyone has a desire for their own personal benefits I am like a hurricane of destruction, I don't have much of a desire for materialistic things, all I want is happiness and freedom for both myself and my friends. If I can ensure that before my time is done then I will be satisfied.
Hearing my request for conversation neither of them responded at first, Mikasa didn't even look like she wanted to think about talking of my limited lifespan whilst Armin looked unsure of what to say at first. Regardless my best friend was the one to cut the tension in the air by speaking first." Why did you keep something like this a secret from us Eren? Wouldn't it have been easier to talk about it with someone?"
I wanted to sigh at those words but I controlled myself. The truth was that I just couldn't afford to show weakness, not to Mikasa, Armin, or anyone else. I was the Founding Titan, the one thing that stood between Marley and those innocent people. If I faltered then they all fell, if I showed weakness then the enemy would exploit it. For the sake of those around me I need to be strong, or at least look strong.
I answered his question after a quick moment of silence. I answered honestly to them." I Just didn't want to burden you both with the truth, I knew that you'd find out eventually but I wanted to hide it from you as long as possible. From your reactions I can guess that was the right move."
Armin seemed to frown at that and asked." What exactly do you mean by that?" He spoke with a voice that was no longer sad but sceptical instead. Mikasa also seemed to lift her eyes from the fire at that so that she could look me in the eyes once again.
I answered carefully as I looked up from the fire just like my girlfriend did." I didn't want you to pity me I guess, I really shouldn't be someone that needs-"
Mikasa cut me off with a cutting tone." That needs what? Compassion? Sympathy? Are you really above those things?" Her voice was monotone, but I could vaguely make out a few hints of hurt when she spoke.
I was surprised, she'd never talked to me like that before, she's nearly always talked to me with love or worry in her voice, are we fighting right now? I guess no couple is really free of the occasional spew.
I retorted her." No, I'm the Founding Titan, if I fall then so does Paradis, so I can't be weak. I can't show weakness-"
"Not even to us?" Mikasa actually looked visibly hurt at those words as she fiddled with the red scarf that was wrapped around her neck. She basically never parted with that piece of clothing, sometimes not even when we make love, and it was like a symbol of our bond, if she keeps that scarf on then I'm never really gone, at least not to her. I promised that I'd wrap it around her neck, didn't I?
Her grey eyes met my own green ones as she spoke with a voice full of grief." You promised that you'd always be there for me, that you'd always wrap this scarf around me, why would you do that if you were just going to die? Why tell me such empty words?"
I felt like a fist just landed in my gut when she said those words and my chest suddenly ached. I never spoke empty words to her, every single loving thing that's ever left my mouth for her was true, the idea of her doubting that was enough to make my heart feel like someone stabbed into it and left the knife in.
Still though, I felt myself be offended by those words." It's not like I'm dead yet, I've still got eight years, and those words were never lie Mikasa, you know that. How could you doubt that my words weren't sincere?"
She didn't meet my eyes as she looked away from me, even with just the dimly lit fire illuminating the forest I could tell that she had tears in her eyes. That seemed to hurt me more than the thought of living such a short life though, so instead of being defensive and letting her cry her heart out, I decided that maybe it'd be best if I was honest with them.
"I'm not okay with it you know." I confessed to them and this time I allowed some weakness to leak itself into my voice. This seemed to draw their attention as Armin's eyes widened a little bit and Mikasa turned her teary eyes onto me once again.
I took a deep breath as I did my best to steady my voice and hold back my own tears." I haven't come to terms with it all myself, I think that's the real reason that I didn't tell you. I hate talking about it, I hate thinking about it, I just... I just didn't want to look weak in front of you guys I guess. I'm sorry for hiding it from you." I looked at the ground and squinted my eyes to stop the water in my eyes from escaping.
Armin looked at me sadly with a few tears leaking from his eyes when I was done with my little confession, Mikasa on the other hand was also crying, but her eyes were practically bursting with tears, she was a far cry from the usually emotionless warrior everyone knew her by. But I doubt that she was even thinking about her image in that moment.
"Eren." Mikasa whispered sadly, it was on the verge of being inaudible, if you weren't listening then you surely would have missed it, I didn't though. It was strange to hear someone pack so many emotions into just one word, let alone my own name.
I stared at the ground for a few moments in mild self-loathing, would they think of me as less now? As I told Historia back then I don't really know what I'm doing, I'm mostly just going off of my meta-knowledge, but that could easily be wrong at some point, and now it's near useless to me now since I've put forward a completely new and unknown timeline than the show, I don't regret it though, many of my friends are alive because of what I did. Still, that didn't come without a cost.
I didn't know what I was doing. I can't accomplish shit on my own.
Suddenly I felt two weights on both of my shoulders. I looked to both my sides and saw that my friends were giving me a hug with one on each arm.
What are they-
Armin cut off my inner thoughts with tears in his eyes." You don't need to do this alone, of course you aren't strong enough to beat Marley on your own, that's why you have us. Your friends, and we'll fight with you."
My eyes widened a little bit at that as Mikasa continued Armin's point with a shaky voice that cracked slightly." Armin is right, we'll be right there by your side no matter what you do, so don't even think of fighting them alone, okay?" She buried her head into my neck as she spoke adamantly and with sincerity to me.
The feeling of my best friend and one of the women I love embracing me like this was enough to make tears gather in my eyes as I hugged them back with all my might, Armin yet out a yelp, but Mikasa? I doubt she even felt a bit of discomfort in the face of a hug which would crush most people.
But most importantly for the first time in years allowed tears to pass through my eyes as I hugged them both back.
I couldn't ask for a better family.
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Mikasa stared at the back of Eren's hooded head as they walked through the dark alleys of Stohess. She tried so hard to focus on something other than his limit life, yet no matter how hard she tried that single thought never seemed to leave her mind, and neither did the feelings attached to it, the anxiety, the despair, and finally the depression. It crushed her heart just to think about Eren leaving her.
She sighed quietly to herself in hopelessness. She hated feeling powerless, it wasn't a feeling she's never felt, but it's one she hates nonetheless, she was used to being the strongest person in a room, physically at least, even Eren, a boy who's taller than her and no pushover physically either, couldn't overpower her unless she desired so. Yet it all meant nothing, it didn't matter how strong she was, she was still powerless to change the fate of the boy she loved.
But, asides from the fact that she was feeling depressed over her beloveds morality, she was also worried about what they were about to attempt. The capture of the Colossal and Armoured Titans. She doesn't doubt that Eren can beat Reiner, given the amount of times he's beaten the blonde boy in training, but Bertolt was where she drew the line. She remembers the day Maria fell just as well as the other two boys did, she too knows what it's like to be reduced to mere livestock, she lost her second mother that day, it wasn't like she wasn't traumatised by that event, she was just... emotionless at that stage in her life. She still is really, but... she likes to think that she's gotten better. the wound from her parents death was still relatively fresh, she was so numb that Maria's fall only made her worst to an extent. At any rate the Colossal Titan was that thing which caused all who saw it to have nightmares for years to come, the God of Destruction which laid waste to Shiganshina and killed nearly all of it's residents, she has doubts that Eren can take it on alone. It still baffled her that the monster which glared down at them all that day, the thing that made them all feel like ants that were about to get stepped on, was... Bertolt.
She didn't know him very well, but what she could gather was that he was always nervous to the point of neuroticism, looking back that might have been due to guilt, but it could also have been from the fear of being found out. Perhaps both. Either way he just didn't look capable of kicking down Wall Maria like that, he looked like he'd piss himself if he ever saw a Titan, well she supposes that looks can be deceiving.
Looking back at when Maria fell, after they'd lost everything, she remembers how it was always Eren who did the comforting, it was Eren who sometimes gave her extra rations, and it was Eren who was always her shoulder to cry on when she had nightmares.
Did she ever do that for him?
She's always done her best to protect Eren but... what about when it came to comforting him? Did she ever simply listen to him patiently like a good friend would do? Did she ever try to talk to him about the massive responsibility that he has been shouldering all of this time alone? Was that the reason that he didn't share the fact that he had such little life left, did he not think that she could handle it?
Could she even handle it?
Mikasa felt a massive surge of shame rise in her chest as she realised that she'd never really protected Eren, not completely anyway, sure she's always been there for him physically, but when has she really valued his opinions and emotions in a situation like a truly good girlfriend would do? Never is the answer, because she's always been dependent on him emotionally, without him she'd simply-
Mikasa felt her eyes widen in realisation. That's why he didn't tell her. She really couldn't handle what he was dealing with. Even now she is the one who's on the verge of tears when he's the one who's truly suffering. All she can think about is her own feelings, she can't really be his shoulder to lean on, it's why she had to hear it from Historia, because she wasn't reliable.
Mikasa tried to steady her breathing as they walked, Armin noticed her erratic breathing but a single glance from her was enough for him to know that she didn't want to talk about it. Not now, they needed to catch Reiner first.
Eren suddenly halted their advance through the narrow alley and set his emerald gaze on them before giving their next course of action. "It'll be morning soon, apparently Reiner patrols this area of Stohess so we'll keep an eye out and continue with the mission as planned, either we lure him underground and take him out safely, or... well we take him down by force."
Mikasa felt a bit of unease at his words. She genuinely didn't want innocents to be involved in this, if two Titans- possibly three if the Scouts fail with catching Bertolt- fought in the middle of a city then countless innocents would be caught in the crossfire. But, in the end she didn't object to the plan, it was their best chance at beating both Reiner and Bertolt, she could only do her best to protect Eren.
However, much to her surprise, Armin simply nodded firmly at that." Right."
It was at that moment Eren turned to stare out into the streets of Stohess, he seemed to have a look of regret and sadness on his face, it was gone in nearly a moment but she knows how to read him, he was hurting at the idea of this city being caught in the crossfire, the idea of innocent people dying hurt him. Still though, she knew that he would do it without hesitation. Eren has repeatedly told them that sometimes hard decisions needed to be made, that they sometimes need to do things that they don't want to do, but rather they have to do.
She could only hope that they wouldn't need to make too many of those choices.
