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The Simulacrum - Volume 4 Extra 5: Weird is the new normal
🕑 Added 2022-10-25 18:28:12 +0000 UTCOn this very special day, the base was even livelier than usual. It was not just that this was the first time Morgana and company were invited over, nor because the tournament going on in the background, but rather because from this day onward, it was no longer the 'secret base'. With our Knights going public, we have officially re-christened the place as the illustrious 'Ordo Draconis Main Headquarters'. Roland insisted on the 'main' part, so that later we could open branches around the world. As usual, he was thinking waaay too far ahead, but I listened to Elly and simply delegated all duties regarding the organization of these 'chapters' and 'headquarters' to him.
More importantly, with official acknowledgement came inspections, and on this occasion, we not only had my in-laws over, but even Naoren and Xiao came along, and they were quite taken with the place. Or rather, I presumed they were, as all of them seemed to be focusing on different things at the moment.
"Wait a moment. Let me see if I understood that right," Mom-in-law spoke up while massaging her temple. We were sitting at the far end of the sparring field, in the company of Naoren, but the latter was too immersed in the ongoing duel to pay us much attention. Anyhow, she took a deep breath and said, "You built all of this under your house."
"No, I said it's under the island, not my house," I corrected her, but it only made her more skeptical.
"So you're telling me you have a teleport circle in your closet that can move us across the entire island?"
"Only about half of it, but—" my words were interrupted by the clashing of swords, so I waited for them to finish. In the middle, a certain belligerently Scottish man raised his weapon high with a triumphant grin plastered on his face, and in front of him stood a strangely perplexed Mountain Girl, onikiri held in an odd reverse grip.
"A've git ye, hen!" Duncan roared while threateningly flourishing his heirloom sword. "Ye tint th' moment ye got trapped mah territory!"
Mountain Girl reeled back for a moment, but after glancing our way, she shifted her posture and yelled out, "Rinne isn't trapped, Duncan-san is! Hiden kumogakure no jutsu!"
Following that, her outlines blurred, and the two of them resumed their match, seemingly without any serious change in the status quo. I waited for a few more seconds to see if they would pull out any more very amazing and not-at-all weird or incomprehensible secret techniques, but seeing that they were just exchanging bows with no end in sight, I soon turned back to mom-in-law.
"As I was saying, it's around the middle of the island."
"And you built it in, what? Two months?"
"Give or take, but it's something of an oversimplification," I answered modestly, yet Emese still looked at me like I had no common sense.
"You know, Leonard, when you originally told me you wanted to show us your secret base, I expected something more… normal," she said, her fingers once again massaging her temple.
"As in?"
"A treehouse, or maybe a basement?" she replied, and now it was my turn to look at her skeptically.
"I think I'm too old for tree houses, but as for a basement… this technically counts, I suppose."
"Don't split hairs with me, young mister," she warned me with a frown. "You're lucky the arch-mage didn't discover this place until now, or you could've been in a mountain of trouble."
"Don't worry. Even if he did, I'm confident I could've negotiated myself out of the conversation."
"I don't know what kind of cards you think you hold, but having an underground complex with a small army at your beck and call is no laughing matter, and we didn't even mention the—"
"Refreshment?"
Emese automatically glanced over and nearly jumped out of her skin, only to then rapidly calm down and elegantly clear her throat, as if trying to mask her previous reaction.
"Thanks, Pip, I take one," I told the wolfish Faun, and he flashed a modest smile while I took a glass of soda from the tray in his hands.
"Lady?" he asked, presenting the tray to Emese, and after a long beat, she gingerly picked up a coke can, followed by a curt thanks. Pip smiled again and then went around us to ask Naoren the same question.
In the meantime, I guzzled down my drink and was just about to let out a satisfied sigh when mom-in-law roughly poked me in the side.
"And speaking of which, why do you have Fauns serving drinks in here?" she asked with an indignant look in her eyes, and I could only shrug.
"They came as a set with my sister, and they're super-friendly. Handy too." While saying so, I glanced around, looking for the closest thrash bin, but before I could get up, a black-clothed hand reached out from the shadows under the seats and beckoned for me to hand over my paper cup. "You'll throw it away for me? Thanks, I appreciate it."
I handed it over to the nameless Kage ninja, and it disappeared into the shadows along with the hand, much to Emese's bafflement. However, before she could get a word in, cheers erupted around the sparring field.
"Match!" Abram declared in a voice that shook the area, and the two other judges nodded in unison.
Okay, let's unpack that detail first. In short, after the knockout-style Draconian tournament, our side wanted to spice things up a bit. It was Elly's idea, based on some tennis tournament she participated in a while back, and with Judy's approval, it was decided that the internal contest would be using a round-robin-style matchmaking system, where everyone would fight everyone else, and the champion would be the one who wins the most matches.
While that sounded nice on paper, we quickly ran into an issue, namely that we had too many contestants, and so everyone fighting everyone in all-out battles would've been both too time-consuming and exhausting. As such, we decided to limit each duel to three minutes, and if there was no clear winner, a group of judges would decide the victor.
As for said judges, they obviously couldn't participate, so after much mostly useless arguing, Brang sacrificed himself for the greater good. However, then there were arguments about impartiality, and the contestants demanded more judges, and the dispute was still ongoing when we arrived with our guests for the day. The moment he heard of this, dad-in-law jumped at the opportunity, and then the group was rounded out by none other than Morgana, who was recommended by our original candidate for the third judge, Arnwald.
So, just to summarize, our judges, sitting side-by-side on a hastily constructed platform overlooking the sparring field, were a Draconian patriarch, a Faun general, and a hypercompetent Knight. Talk about diversity…
"Ack! Ah jist messed up. Shoold've pressed mah advantage…" Duncan grumbled as he rose from the ground, with his sword about five meters behind him.
"It was a good fight," Mountain Girl told him and offered a hand, which the big guy naturally accepted, and as with most displays of good sportsmanship, it made the onlookers clap even harder. Speaking of which, was it just my imagination, or was Naoren cheering a bit too hard? Though again, he's an Eastern Draconian, so him getting hyped up about a duel was par for the course.
"I believe it's time for a short break!" Abram announced, and everyone seemed to agree.
"Man… I have no idea how to counter that…"
Hearing Josh's grumbling, I glanced over my shoulder and found him a couple of rows behind me. He already had a couple of matches earlier, so he was in his Magiformer, and he was naturally in the company of an especially spirited Angie.
"If you're in doubt, just power through it! With guts!" she told her, followed by a couple of shadow-boxing punches aimed at thin air.
Well, at least someone was having fun. In fact, most of the people around me seemed to be having a ton of fun. It was almost as if this was a festival instead of a contest… thought considering everyone here was either a martial artist, a soldier, a ninja, or a shounen protagonist's entourage, maybe it wasn't that unusual.
However, if someone asked me at gunpoint to point out the people who had the most fun, I would've immediately leveled a finger at the pair of young girls running circles around the entire sparring area.
"You're it!" Ichiko exclaimed with an ear-to-ear grin and dashed across the hall, followed by a certain odango girl right behind her. They were bundles of energy and would've looked like two perfectly normal and cute little girls playing tag, if not for them occasionally jumping five meters high into the air and bouncing around like they were made of rubber. Oh well, so long as they enjoyed themselves and didn't break anything, I saw no reason to get in the way of their fun.
Since I was already looking around, I tried to find the girls, but I couldn't see them anywhere in the crowd, so I figured they might've used the opportunity to take a restroom break. I could've checked with Far Sight, but with the last match over, it seemed like Naoren was about to join our discussion with mom-in-law, so I decided against it.
"Your retainer is truly a fascinating warrior," the bespectacled clan head noted with an impressed glint in his eyes. "I was meaning to ask, but what exactly is her official position? Does she have a title?"
"I'm not sure I understand what you mean by 'title', but she used to be the clan head of the Kage ninjas."
"Used to?" he echoed me, one intrigued brow raised high, and I shrugged in response.
"It's kind of a complicated story, but to cut it short: due to some magical-sword-adjacent-malarkey I accidentally took her position, but since I don't know the first thing about ninjaing, I had her do the same job. It's just that on paper, she's under me."
"So you weren't kidding when you said you had a whole ninja clan…" he mused, only to get interrupted by Emese.
"And what's that about anyway!" she raised her voice and poked me with her free hand. "You not only have domestic Fauns, but you also have real ninjas! And an army of them! How come nobody noticed?!"
"Well, they are ninjas. They are good at being unnoticed," I jested, yet she considered my words seriously.
"True, but… It's still…"
Before she could finish that thought, Morgana stood up and drew everyone's attention by loudly clearing her throat.
"We have written out the next round of matches. Joshua Bernstein and Penelope Dunning, prepare yourselves."
"Oh, great. It just had to be her," Josh grumbled behind us, and I could hear him shuffle to his feet.
"Go, get her! Don't you go easy on her just because she's a cute girl! If you dare to flirt with her, I'm gonna kick your butt!" Angie… encouraged her boyfriend? I think?
In any case, Josh let out a tired groan and walked down to the sparring ring, only to momentarily stop by our row.
"Wish me luck."
I blinked at my friend, and after some thinking, slowly shook my head.
"Sorry, pal. I decided not to cheer for anyone on principle, but if I did, I would be obligated to root for the kiddo. Big brotherly duties and stuff."
Josh rolled his eyes with a soft 'Bah!' and continued on his way, but it wasn't even five seconds after he left that we had someone else approaching us.
"Ue-sama! Help!"
Glancing over, I found Ichiko running over to our side, holding onto odango girl's hand and dragging her along, and for a moment I was afraid they were going to jump into my lap. Thankfully, the pair came to a screeching halt right in front of me.
"What's the problem?"
"Brother Leonard, please save me! An evil man wants to drain my blood!" Odango girl explained, and I would've probably stayed in the dark if not for an indignant huff coming from the lab-coat-clad man staggering behind them, his breath ragged like he just ran a marathon.
"I resent that remark! I only asked for a small sample!"
I directed a flat stare at the still-heaving man, but he still didn't get a clue, so I said, "Fred, would you please explain what you're doing?"
"Oh, hello, boss," our resident mad scientist greeted me like he just noticed me. "I just wanted to ask for a drop of blood from her."
"Don't believe him, ue-sama! He's an evil pervert who wanted to stab Xiao-chan!"
"Stab?" I repeated, exasperated.
"With a needle!" Fred exclaimed indignantly. "It would be just a small poke!"
"You mean the one attached to that huge thing you're holding?"
As if just realizing he'd been waving it around, he glanced at the comically large syringe in his left hand and blatantly hid it behind his back.
"Don't worry, boss. I don't want to hurt her, I just need an itsy-bitsy blood sample? I'm not even going to push it in deep, just the tip is enough!"
"Pervert! Hentai! Villain!" our foxy miko cried out, standing in front of Odango girl with her arms spread, as if to guard her, and I had to give it to her, if I didn't know the context, Fred's choice of words would've been sketchy as hell.
"I'm not a villain! This is for science!" Seeing that the girls didn't listen to him at all, Fred soon turned to me instead. "Come on, boss! Back me up, will you?"
"Why should I?"
"Because this is important! She's a dragon! A real one! Imagine how much we could learn if I had just an ounce of her blood to analyze! Imagine the breakthroughs!"
"Wasn't it just a drop a few seconds ago?"
"One drop, two ounces, who's counting when science is at stake?!" he exclaimed with a determined face that, if we were in a manga, would've probably had a bunch of random sparkles surrounding it for comedic effect. To be fair though, he did have a point. Sort of. Researching the blood of a full-blooded dragon would've probably led to some new insights into Draconians, at the very least, and it wasn't like dragons were growing on trees, so his insistence on capitalizing on the opportunity was understandable. On the other hand, he was a weirdo with a ginormous scary syringe, and I had two little girls giving me puppy eyes to boot, so it wasn't that hard to choose my side in this conundrum.
"Galatea!"
"Yes, grandmaster?"
It didn't take the android three seconds to appear after I called out to her, which told me she was probably already nearby and waiting for her cue to enter the fray.
"Grab Fred and lock him up until our guests go home please."
"My apologies, grandmaster, but master just updated my loyalty circuits, so I can't—"
"You have my permission for that saltwater aquarium," I uttered flatly, and before Fred could even know what hit him, he was already caught in a wrestling hold and was getting dragged away.
"W-What? Galatea! Unhand me at once!"
"My apologies, master, but there are clownfishes at stake. I don't have a choice."
At this point, Fred switched targets and tried to plead with me again, but unluckily for him, I was already focusing my attention on the two girls in front of me.
"Grandfather was right. This world is full of scary people…" Odango girl muttered, shaken by the experience.
"Nah, he's not a bad guy, only slightly weird. I'll talk some sense into him later and have him apologize."
"I see. If brother Leonard says so, it must be true."
She still looked down, so on a sudden whim, I tapped Ichiko on the shoulder.
"Yes, ue-sama?"
"Say, have you introduced her to Pudding-kun yet?"
The moment I said that, the little miko's eyes lit up and she grabbed both of Xiao's hands.
"That's right! Come, Xiao-chan! I'll introduce you to a friend!"
"A friend? Is he nice?"
"Very! Pudding-kun is so funny, and he's a master of transformation jutsu! You're going to love him!"
Apparently, that was all it took to make odango girl forget all about Fred, and the two hyper girls soon left in the direction of the biolabs, where most of the mini-shoggoth collective set up shop. I waited until they were out of sight, and only then did I let out the pent-up sigh that was trapped in my throat.
"Are things always so peculiar here?" Naoren asked, seemingly out of the blue.
"Peculiar? Nah, this is pretty much normal," I responded offhandedly, and I wanted to leave it at that, if not for Emese's unexpected reaction.
"Wait, wait! This is normal to you?"
"More or less," I said, this time slightly less confidently.
Meanwhile, Naoren and mom-in-law shared an odd glance with each other, and the bespectacled clan head whispered, "It explains a lot, doesn't it?"
"It sure does," Emese answered, but before I could learn what they meant by that, the match between Josh and Penny started, and despite my promise, I had to at least pay token attention to the fight.
That said, the pitying looks these two were giving me for the rest of the day got pretty annoying, but I'd be damned if I knew what they were about.
Comments
Vega
But they didn’t even get to meet the mini shoggoths who worship(?) Leo! Edit: I mean in general I really enjoyed the chapter, just want you to know that as well!
