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The Simulacrum - Chapter 119 - Part 1
🕑 Added 2023-07-24 17:12:09 +0000 UTC"As you can tell, I'm perfectly fine," my holographic display version explained, followed by a sigh. "I originally wished to let you know in a more controlled manner, but thanks to a certain someone, I guess it's a public announcement now."
I counted to three in my head, and then did a theatrical scraping bow, and held the pose while my face over the crystal ball rolled its eyes and added, "That wasn't a compliment!"
Chuckling, I straightened my back, and my coat, and pretended to lean on an invisible cane, just in time for hologram me to shake its head and turn back to the congregation. Now, I suppose this is as good a time as any to delve into what exactly was going on, and before I get into the nitty-gritty details, I'd like to recount a personal anecdote.
A while ago (during the first month after I awakened in the Simulacrum, to be precise), I had spent a lot of time researching tropes. The bulk of it was by obsessively browsing the troper-site, but once it became apparent our world was operating on the clichés of popular Japanese fiction, I focused my attention there, and skimmed a whole lot of anime, manga, and even some visual novels and JRPGs, just to stay rounded. One of these stories I flicked through serves as the inspiration for today's operation, though it ended up much more of a pain in the neck than originally expected.
So, picture the following: in a futuristic setting with giant robots and whatnot, the well-intentioned-extremist final antagonist successfully corners the super-genius anti-hero protagonist, and demands his surrender through one of those impractically oversized video screens. They argue about their ideologies and their plans for the future, and just when it looks like the protagonist lost, it's suddenly revealed that the person on the screen the resident anti-villain was arguing with was a recording all along, because our hero was such a galaxy-brain super-genius that he could completely predict the whole conversation ahead of time and recorded a video responding to those predicted words. Then, while the bad guy was busy with that, they could put their plan into action, and turn the tables at the very last second.
Very clever. Very dramatic. Unfortunately, it was absolute and utter bollocks.
If it wasn't abundantly clear enough, the 'Leonard S. Dunning' currently communicating with the Draconic Federation and guests was a recording. Influenced by the aforementioned show, I thought it would be a nice and suitably dramatic way to simultaneously announce to the world that I was still alive, while also establishing that Bel was a separate entity from me. It should've been easy. The show made it look easy.
It wasn't.
For a start, modding the communication device so that it would display recordings took me about ten minutes. Jury-rigging a storage enchantment into it so that it could do it on its own was about fifteen minutes. Writing the script and recording it? A single afternoon.
Practising the act, so that everything lined up perfectly and there weren't any awkward gaps or suspiciously missed answers? It took a whole bloody week, and if it was up to me, I would've liked to keep doing that for a couple of more days, just to be safe. Unfortunately for me, this meeting provided the perfect opportunity to pull off the trick, due to the presence of the Assembly delegation, and Roland was already raking me over the coals for stalling for so long and keeping the wider world in the dark about my well-being.
As such, I had to buckle up, hunker down, and spend the last couple of nights practising the act, going as far as to put together a makeshift facsimile of the pulpit and the Fauns acting as the audience while rehearsing the script. Of course, I wasn't entirely relying on everything conveniently falling into place, and left myself some wriggling room for improvisation by putting in a few emergency switches that I could trigger with my phantom limbs. Just in case.
"That device… it's of Celestial origin, isn't it?" Lord Ambrose cut in, forcing me to pause the recording for a second and step up as Bel to smooth things over.
"Oh, what amazing powers of observation!" I exclaimed and made a fawning gesture at the portly man. "You must be the world-famous grandmaster of the stating-the-obvious school of magic! It's such an honor!"
Just as I finished that, I resumed the recording, which let out a shallow sigh. I hoped the audience would interpret it as me feeling exasperated by Bel's conduct and trying to hurry things along by saying, "I want to state this outright, to avoid any further misunderstandings or gossip regarding my disappearance from the island: I wasn't kidnapped by Abyssals. In effect, I am currently residing in the Elysium."
The reveal caused a wave of murmurs to run through the crowd, and even the trio of Dad-in-law, Naoren, and Arnwald were surprised by my admission. I didn't fault them; the original plan was to blame everything on the Abyssals, and then spin the story so that I was 'rescued' by the Celestials, but the more we discussed it with Roland, the more cracks appeared. By far the biggest issue was that I was Polemos, and while that fact could be omitted at the moment, it absolutely couldn't be hidden once I returned to the island for good.
Trying to dance around the issue wasn't a solution either, and incorporating the Abyssals into the backstory just added a whole lot of extra, unnecessary variables. As such, we reached the following conclusion: I should announce that I was alive and well, reveal that I had a recent connection to the Celestials, sweep Sir Percival and the whole double-triple-whatever-agent issue under the rug for now, and have everyone focus on Bel instead.
A nice plan, in theory, granted that nothing would go too catastrophically wrong during the execution.
"Are you held hostage?" Roland asked, following the scrips to the letter, and my holographic recording shook its head.
"Well, no. Not really. It's a bit complicated, and it has to do with a prophecy and… it's not important. At the moment, you could consider me something between a diplomatic guest and a consultant."
"Consultant? Why would the Celestials need a consultant?" the dark-skinned arch-mage blurted out, but then he caught himself and hurriedly added, "My apologies. I didn't mean to interrupt."
"That was one of the ley-line leeches," I added in while sneakily skipping a bit of the footage, then I phased over to the side of Lord Ambrose, leaned closer, and whispered, "The visual range on these things is horrendous! The kid probably only sees you as smudges. Ah, speaking of which…"
Before he could respond, I Phased back and faced my recording while using my thumbs to point behind my shoulders.
"Hey, Leonard? Did I tell you about how there are like five of these Assembly guys here? You look away for a second, and they just multiply like cockroaches. Or slime mould. Or those little plastic blocks… what are they called? LAGO? You know, the ones that sublimate into existence whenever you want to go to the toilet in the middle of the night, and you—"
"Can I continue?" the hologram me frowned, which was supposed to be the response to a completely different situation, but it worked well enough.
"Yeah, sure," I grumbled and crossed my arms, pretending to sulk.
Meanwhile, the recording exhaled a sigh and its eyes swept over the whole assembly hall.
"So, as I was saying, I was invited, if a little forcefully, by a group of Celestials. The whole Abyssal kidnapping was just a cover story. As for why it was me…" Hologram me paused, displaying a bit of reluctance, before continuing with, "There were a few superfluous reasons I won't go into right now, but to make a long story short, the Celestial community is considerably more fractured than I could have ever imagined, no small part thanks to the masked man in front of you."
"What? What did I do to deserve such harsh accusations?" I protested in a whine, and the hologram's face twisted into an outraged grimace I had to record about ten times before I got it right.
"You infiltrated the Celestial Directorate, subverted several key figures in the hierarchy, and then told everyone about it, nearly causing a civil war!"
"Hey! Everyone needs a hobby!"
This time, the recording outright groaned and looked away from me.
"Ignoring this bastard, the point I'm getting at is that one of the Celestial factions invited me to the Elysium."
"We understand that part," Roland cut in, with perfect timing. "I think I can speak in everyone's stead when I ask; why did it have to be you, and why are you still there?"
I waited for the recording to open its mouth, and then I let out a loud guffaw and slapped my knee.
"Ah, here it comes! The best part!" Hologram me glared at me, and after a long beat, I raised two fingers and exclaimed, "Wait a moment. I'll be right back."
With those words, I Phased over to the 'backstage', where Vurrok and Karukk were already waiting for me. The moment I arrived, one of them started a countdown from six, during which I took off my mask and placed it onto a nearby table. After hastily wiping my face, I picked up an identical mask (including the Pudding-kun™ brand inner lining) save for the pair of red-and-blue glasses attached to the front, and after securing it onto my face, I accepted the paper bag the other Faun was holding out. Then, just as the countdown reached zero, I reappeared at the same spot in the assembly hall and reached into the bag.
"Okay, you can continue now," I proclaimed, and raised my hand to my face, only to reel back and let out an annoyed groan. "Ah, right. Forgot about the mask again." Shaking my head, I scattered the contents of my hand onto the floor, and then turned to Roland, offering the paper bag to him. "Popcorn?"
"I'm afraid I'll have to refrain," he responded with the perfect combination of exasperation and deadpan annoyance. It was almost as if he wasn't even acting.
"So, as I was about to say before someone decided to take a popcorn break," my recording grumbled aloud and after a momentary pause, raised a brow. "Where did you even get those 3D glasses?"
"The future," I answered nonchalantly while inspecting a piece of popcorn like it was the most interesting thing in the world.
Hologram-me shook his head and faced the people in the seats again, seemingly ignoring my antics.
"Due to the recent events, I have ostensibly developed a reputation for being a 'peacemaker' of sorts."
The recording made some air quotes, and I pretended to barely stifle a laugh.
"They kidnapped you to serve as a… negotiator?" Roland spoke his next line, and while he had a back-and-forth about the topic with my recording, I couldn't help but notice something peculiar. Namely, that the first row was glowing.
I sneaked a peek at the spectacle while pretending to listen to myself awkwardly trying to explain and downplay my role in the Elysium, and found ten arch-mages there. That was rather strange already, but it didn't take a genius to figure out what was happening. It was two sets of the same five people; one group was semi-transparent, sitting ramrod straight, and attentively listening to my recording's explanation, while the other version of them was clustered together and animatedly discussing something.
No matter how I looked at it, that was some kind of illusion spell, a deduction further reinforced by Lord Taika constantly muttering in a hushed chant. While I was curious about what they were discussing, I couldn't make out a single word over the back-and-forth between Roland and my recording. My first instinct was to Phase over and disrupt their little planning session, but then I recalled that I was Bel at the moment. When making up his backstory and lore, one of the pivotal events was that he developed a liking for Leonard Dunning after he got tricked by the latter's illusions. That meant Bel could not see through those, ergo, I had no choice but to pretend that I didn't see anything strange.
In retrospect, I didn't exactly have the time to do anything about it either, as the 'heated argument' between Roland and my hologram was nearing its end.
"What is your opinion, acting grand master?" Mr. Griffon levelled the question at Arnwald, who never took to his eyes off me (as in, Bel) during this entire time.
He considered the question for a while, and when he noticed that Roland was imperceptibly nodding, he let out a heavy breath.
"If our liege deems that staying in the Elysium is the most prudent action under the circumstances, the Ordo Draconis will follow his decision."
"I can't believe you just said that!" one of the Western Draconian council members exclaimed, and Yseult Albion seemed to agree with the sentiment.
"Under normal circumstances, I would defer to the decision of Leonard Dunning, but how can you be sure that he is making this decision of his own free will, and not under some kind of compulsion?"
It was time to improvise again, so I paused the recording with a phantom limb and turned on my heel to face her.
"Wait! You think the kid got mind-controlled? That guy?" I pointed at the floating head and then repeatedly slapped my knee. "Ahahaha! Oh, please stop! My sides are hurting!"
Meanwhile, I skipped over to another recording and even faked a bit of static noise to hide the cut. The recording turned to me again and asked, in an exasperated voice, "Are you having fun?"
"Of course I do!" I exclaimed and raised both of my hands into the air, scattering popcorn everywhere. "Did you think I would ever accept your request if I didn't think this would be an absolute riot? Look at her! She thinks you can be mind-controlled!"
"They don't know all the details, so it's understandable," recording-me stated, using a snippet from another piece of recording spliced in under the guise of some interference static.
"Like what? That you're actually…" I trailed off my voice on purpose, and after a long beat, I let out a chuckle, "Oh, what? Don't look at me like that! You're not a puppy! You're not nearly hairy enough!" Another beat followed, then a shallow sigh, and I dejectedly concluded with, "Fine, I won't ruin the surprise. But can I be there when you tell them about what happened after you arrived at the Celestials' little hidey-hole? I mean, not that you could stop me from attending even if you tried, but I'm a polite man, so I figured I'd ask."
"Do whatever you want," my hologram version said with palpable trepidation, and turned back to the crowd, which hid another cut to a different piece of recording. "I have to go now, so if you have any questions, I'm afraid it'll have to wait until next time."
Roland evidently wasn't expecting the jump cut, and it took him a second to respond.
"What… exactly do you mean by 'next time'? And when?"
"I don't know yet," the recording admitted with an implied shrug. "Since the cat's out of the bag, I'll try to use more official channels. One thing's for sure, I won't ask that guy for any favours any time soon."
"Oh, come on, kid! Can't you take a joke?" Hologram-me remained silent, and after a strategically timed pause, I added, "Don't be like that! Can't you look on the bright side of things and remember the good times? Like the first time we met!"
"… When you nearly took my head off my shoulders?"
"Yeah! Good times!" I insisted, and after another pause, this time made extra long for added awkwardness, the recording turned away from me and addressed the audience again.
"This is dragging out, so here's the short of it: I'm fine, I'm busy right now, I'll be back soon, and till then, hold the front, and don't do anything stu—"
The line was supposed to be 'Don't do anything stupid, such as antagonizing this clown', but before the recording could get to it, the meeting was interrupted by a flash of light and a rapidly expanding bubble of mana. As it washed over the modded communicator, it completely scrambled the image, but it wasn't the only thing affected. I could feel the enchantments on my Bel outfit fizzle, and even the Leoformer was straining under some kind of strain, barely holding together.
Luckily, while I wasn't expecting something like this to happen, I was already pretty high-strung from the performance, so I reacted remarkably fast, if I do say so myself. First, I used one phantom limb to shut down the recording. Two others were dedicated to maintaining the Bel outfit, and after directly interfacing with the Leoformer, I found that its arrays were on the brink of being short-circuited by some external interference.
Was I on the receiving end of a magical EMP, I wondered as I hurriedly shielded the arrays. It wasn't too difficult to do so, since I made the Leoformer's enchantments extra-sturdy. That turned out to be a stroke of genius (or failing that, luck) on my end, as without it, my Bel outfit would've been dispelled on the spot and would've likely left me naked, without putting my original clothes back on me. At least I would've still had the mask on, since it wasn't part of the Leoformer's ensemble… which reminded me of something else.
I hastily checked the mask, and while Pudding-kun was still maintaining his shape as the lining, the enchantments on it were busted. It meant both the eye- and hair-colour changers were off, which was a bit of an issue. Luckily, there was a bit of inertia with these things, so I had about ten seconds before my hair would return to its natural dark brown.
I 'wasted' about five seconds so far, so I had to act quickly. First, I levelled my gaze on the five arch-mages at the front, huddled in a semi-circle and their extended right hands lying on top of each other's, and uttered a deeply disgusted, "The nerve!"
Before the sound of the last syllable even died down, I Phased to the 'backstage', where Karukk was already waiting for me with another bottle of mineral water. He realized something was off when I practically tore the non-functional mask off my face and yelled, "[I request to have knowledge of the location of my erstwhile face covering apparatus!]"
"[Here, boss!]" Vurrok called out and threw the thing he was wiping with a dry cloth to me. I grabbed it out of the air, and immediately plunged a phantom limb into it, making sure that it was decently shielded before I put it on my face and gave a thumbs-up for the third time today.
A moment later, I was back in the assembly hall, my thumb turned into an accusatory index finger aimed at the confused arch-mages, still huddled together and encased in a swirling bubble of raging mana, while my other hand snapped the top of the box holding the communication orb shut.
"The disrespect!" I exclaimed, causing them to twitch.
"You said he wasn't going to be able to do that!" Lord Barnabas complained around, causing the face of the tall redhead to slacken.
"Well, he shouldn't be able to do it anymore," he stated a touch uncertainly, and the rotund man next to him let out an outraged huff.
"I told you not to listen to this fool, but nooo! Omni-directional anti-mystic burst my ass!"
While they argued, I made sure the mask was still functioning, and that Pudding-kun had no issues with their shape-shifting, and after a deep breath, I let out a long whistle.
"I have to give it to you, that was gutsy!" Saying so, I walked around the podium and let out an amused chuckle. "Brass balls! Or ovaries, if the lady was the one who came up with the idea. I'm an equal opportunity advocate; I believe that women can be just as boneheaded and foolhardy as any man!"
"Do you know who you're talking to, fiend?" Lord Taika hissed, and I paused to look them over.
"A bunch of domesticated rabbits thinking they are wolves," I responded in a dead serious voice before immediately shifting back into a whimsical one. "A cute little fluffle that looked at good old Bel of the Abyss, just about to leave for the day, job done, and without any need to linger and ruin this neat woodwork with any bloodstains." I raised my knuckles to eye-level and playfully rubbed them together for illustration as I added, "But then you put your adorable little sniffy noses together, and said 'You know what? I think we can take him on!' Sooo precious!"
"Listen, we—"
"No, you listen," I cut in and levelled a glare at Lord Grandpa. "The next minute is going to be the most important sixty seconds in your entire miserable lives, so you better pay close attention. You five, have a very important decision to make; namely, if you want to back down and apologize for the utter lack of respect and decorum you showed to me just now."
While saying that, I theatrically rolled my shoulders and cracked my knuckles, much to the onlookers' discomfort.
"We are arch-mages of the Assembly, and we don't fear you, Abyssal wretch!" Lord Ambrose yelled out, probably just to hype himself up, and so I focused on him. "You can't intimidate us!"
"Oh, no-no-no. I'm not 'intimidating' anyone," I corrected him with a finger raised. "I'm doing the nicest, most benevolent thing I've ever done in the past two thousand years. You started this, and I'm a good sport, allowing you to realize your mistake and make amends, but in about thirty more seconds, we are doing this." This time, I shifted my attention to Lord Grandpa. "Listen, unlike the kid, I'm not nice enough to hold back just because you're a bunch of geriatric fools. I can't guarantee what's going to happen to you, but I can tell you, it's not going to be pretty, and…" Pausing, I took a deep breath, and pointed two index fingers at the group. "Listen. We only have a few seconds left, so before we get started, I want to know something: If you really, really want to go through with this, what should I tell your families?"
That question left a stunned silence in its wake, and after the moment passed and I was ready to continue, Lord Barnabas suddenly put his hands on Lord Ambrose's shoulder, but didn't speak up. When the old Magi turned an annoyed glare at him, he simply shook his head, and after a few seconds, the five arch-mages all let their hands down, and the magical bubble surrounding them dissipated at once.
"Ah, the token sane member of the group to the rescue!" I exclaimed in a nonchalant voice hiding my own relief, and I reached behind me to pick up the communicator, only to then dramatically turn back to them. "Goodbye, little rabbits, and carve this day into your mind, as the one when you learned to recognize that the woods have predators bigger than wolves."
And with that, I did a cutesy wave, and Phased out of the hall, this time for good.
In retrospect, I might've overdone it a little, but in my defence, they startled me. At least I avoided direct conflict with the Assembly. That should count for something, right?
Comments
Terry Stevens
Are you having fun?" "Of course I do!" Of course I am!”
Danielle Warvel
I’m guessing the one with geolough? Lough? Geas? Bah, the one with the kid with a weird name and Magic eyes that can make people obey or be loyal to him who starts a revolution.
11037
I recognize exactly which anime you are referring to. I wonder how many people will get the reference? It was popular in its time, but it is 15+ years old now and only people who watched to the later episodes will know it.
