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The Simulacrum - Volume 6 Extra 4: Cohabitation
🕑 Added 2023-09-17 17:21:17 +0000 UTCSometimes, life was unpredictable.
…
That was about as banal as a truism could get, wasn't it? Let's try again.
Sometimes, life was like a housecat. Generally agreeable, but the moment you didn't pay attention to it, it would shit on the carpet, destroy your furniture, and eat all your petunias.
…
No, that didn't sound right either, and the whole analogy kind of ran off the rails at the end. Okay, let's give this one another try. Third time's the charm.
So, life… Sometimes, life was like the setup of a dad joke. It's weird, and quirky, and you know that the punchline is just around the corner, and that it will make you groan... but every once in a while, the absurdity of it all would draw a chuckle out of you all the same. Let's take this one, for example: a knight, a succubus, and a spy walk into a living room.
… Oh, wait. That wasn't the setup for a joke. That was just the baseline daily experience of the Dunning household at the moment. My bad.
It's been a couple of days since Tajana Sukkal, the spymaster of the Inanna household, became an involuntary guest of my sisters, so to speak. While at first she was rather adamant about leaving, after the n-th escape attempt had been foiled by the Fauns watching over her, she more-or-less settled down. Maybe a bit too much, even.
Lately, she'd been spending most of her time on the living room couch and channel-surfing, with a preference for soap operas of all things. Gone was her elaborate dress, replaced by a striped blue turtleneck sweater and a pair of brown sweatpants. With her two-coloured hair done up in a bun, and the large, round glasses sitting on her nose, she looked like just a run-of-the-mill older-sister-type character from a sitcom. The kind that only played a bit role, but was inexplicably popular due to her large heart and personality.
"Hey."
My knightlier sister, currently wearing skinny jeans and a grey tank top with a large yellow 'W' on it, brusquely greeted the woman on the couch as she walked into the room on her way to the kitchen. That is until she came to an abrupt stop and frowned at the TV screen.
"Are you watching this show again?"
"Not 'again'. It's the new episode," the young spymaster responded without looking up from the TV, where a busty young woman in a low-cut dress and a well-dressed man with a lantern jaw were exchanging suggestive glances in a ballroom kind of setting.
"I don't get the appeal," Penny noted with audible disinterest. She glanced at the empty red plastic bowl sitting on the coffee table next, and her frown deepened. "Wasn't that full of popcorn just ten minutes ago?"
"I finished it," Tajana told her without looking up, and just as the background music swelled and the main character on the screen was about to confess her feelings, the show hard-cut to a commercial break for laundry detergent. "No! It was the most important part! Why did they do this?"
"That's why I don't watch cable TV," Penny noted as she picked up the empty bowl. "Streaming is the future."
"I still don't know what that is," the woman on the couch fumed, then shook her head. "I'm already amazed by how many channels you have here."
"There's TV in the Abyss?"
"Of course there is," Tajana scoffed, but then she finally noticed that Penny was holding her bowl, and her tone took a one-eighty shift. "Are you going to the kitchen?"
"Yes. I thought I'd try to cook something for dinner."
"Ah, great. If you're already heading there, could you please bring me more popcorn?"
"No?" Penny responded, sounding downright incredulous. "You can get it yourself. You could use some exercise; you just sit there and eat junk food all day. You're going to get fat."
"No, I won't." Tajana flashed a smug smile, and declared, "I'm an Abyssal Seducer."
"So what?"
"What 'so what?' I just told you! Since I'm an Abyssal Seducer, I will forever remain pretty and slim, no matter what I do. It's in my nature."
"Bullshit," Penny blurted out, but when the woman on the couch remained smugly defiant, her frown began to falter. "Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"… Genetics are unfair," my sister moaned, which sounded just a tiiiny bit hypocritical when coming from her mouth, considering that she was 'potential battle harem love interest' pretty, but then her expression turned contemplative. "Now that I think about it, Snowy never exercises, and yet she's in great shape too."
"Hey, I told you to stop that!" Tajana's voice rose into an indignant huff, and she nearly jumped to her feet, only to change her mind at the last second and settle for a glare.
"Stop what?"
"I told you not to address my Lady so casually!"
"I can call my sister whatever I want."
Meeting her tit for that, Penny glared back at her and even crossed her arms in defiance. Unfortunately, she still had the empty plastic bowl in her fingers, so she looked rather comical instead.
"She isn't your sister."
"Like heck she isn't! Brother adopted her, Brother is my brother, therefore Snowy is my sister."
"That's not how it works!" Tajana exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air. "None of this makes any sense! Who just declares that someone is their sibling like that?"
"I do. I mean, we do. Brother included."
"And that's why I'm telling you that you're all weird." She must've considered that the final word on the topic, as after exhaling sharply through her nostrils, Tajana crossed her arms again and asked, "So? Popcorn?"
"No."
"But I'm a guest!"
"And you're abusing our hospitality!"
Tajana didn't seem to have an answer for that, so she pivoted and made a proposition instead.
"Let's make a deal, then."
"A deal," Penny echoed her suspiciously, but the young spymaster was serious.
"Yes. You said I was taking advantage of you, so what if I give you something in return then?"
"You don't have anything to give," she pointed out by literally pointing at her… with the bowl. Which was still in her hand. For some reason. "You have no money, and you're eating our food already."
"I'm not talking about things like that," Tajana scoffed, and after muting the TV, she gestured for Penny to come closer.
My sister was still skeptical, but her curiosity must have been stronger, as she walked over to the couch. After some further gesturing, she leaned over, and after dramatically glancing around the room, the spymaster put her hand next to her mouth and started to whisper.
"You want to get closer to my Lady, don't you?"
"Y-Yes?" Penny responded by reflex, but then she immediately flushed red and started to frantically whisper back. "A-Awawa! I mean, yes, but as a sister! I want to get closer to Snowy, because sisters are supposed to be close, right? It's completely natural."
"Yes," Tajana agreed with an expression that screamed 'Girl, why are you making this sound weird?'. "I noticed that, and I have an offer. You bring me another bowl of popcorn before the commercials are over, and I'll tell you about my Lady."
"Tell what, exactly?"
"Things you have no way of knowing." Tajana grinned like a fisherman who just hooked a big trout and lowered her voice even more. "I'm not bragging when I say that, out of all the vassals of House Inanna, I know our Lady the best. I can tell all kinds of things. Such as her likes, her dislikes, stories about her childhood. Whatever you are curious about, I've got it."
"Really?"
She nodded, but before things could go anywhere, both of them were startled by the front door opening.
"I'm home!" a cheerful voice exclaimed from the entryway, and Penny jumped back in fright, just in time when Snowy poked her head through the doorway. "Oh? Did I interrupt something?"
The question was entirely innocent, yet it made my knightly sister red like a lobster, from her chin to the tip of her ears, and she wildly waved her arms around in panic.
"N-N-No! We weren't doing anything strange! I-I mean, we weren't doing anything at all! We were only talking about…" Pausing, her eyes landed on the bowl still in her hand and presented it to my Abyssal sister. "Look! We were talking about popcorn!"
"Popcorn?" Snowy repeated after her with tiny little question marks circling her head, but she soon shook it and returned to the entryway to take off her coat and boots.
"That was close…" Penny sighed in relief while holding onto her chest, as if to keep her heart in place, and Tajana was looking at her like she was some kind of weird, never-before-seen creature.
However, the atmosphere in the living room soon took a shift to the serious when Snowy returned, and they realized she wasn't alone.
"Good evening," Roland's voice sounded even deeper than usual in the quiet room, and his eyes soon landed on the woman on the couch. "Tajana Sukkal, I presume? I've heard a lot about you."
"And you must be Roland Smith, the Griffon Knight."
Her answer was confident on the surface, but her eyes said she was pretty startled by his appearance. Also, yes. Roland's surname was 'Smith'. I was tempted to do a comical overreaction, but honestly? I'd seen his name and signature so many times on official documents, I was long since used to it in all its glorious mundanity. At least his middle name wasn't 'John'.
Anyhow, our Sir Griffon raised a curious brow at her and walked into the room, while Snowy ducked out of the conversation and slipped into the kitchen.
"You're well-informed."
"Naturally. I would be a laughingstock if I couldn't recognize you."
Tajana tried her best to appear self-assured, but it was hard to do that while looking like a couch potato. Now, this would've been the perfect opportunity for Roland to point out that getting caught like this had already made her a bit of a joke, but as usual, he was too polite and simply nodded as he walked over to the Penny.
"Um… Aaah?" My still flustered sister kept looking for words for a while before blurting out, "It's… been a while. Where… have you been, lately?"
"Running operations, as usual," he answered, not even bothering to shrug.
"With Snowy?"
"We have a common project," my other sister answered in his stead, returning to the living room with a tray holding a cup, sugar cubes, and cream. "Since Sir Roland accompanied me home, I invited him in for a coffee."
"I was also curious about this 'spymaster' I've heard so much about," Roland noted absently as he picked up the small cup and threw in a single sugar cube. His gaze was saying 'I'm not impressed', but his mouth was speaking differently. "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."
"I… would say the same, if the circumstances were different," Tajana grumbled, but then her eyes opened wide, as if she just realized something, and she hastily undid her hair bun. Her long locks fell onto her shoulders in lazy waves, and once she sat straighter, she flashed a friendly smile at the man. "However, a first meeting isn't everything. I would love to know you more, sir."
"Tajana," Snowy cut in, looking unusually peeved. "Please don't try to seduce Uncle Roland in front of us."
"I'm not—!" At first, she sounded startled, like a kid who was just caught with her hand in the cookie jar, but then her eyes opened wide and she pointed at the Knight casually sipping his coffee, as if none of this had anything to do with him. "Wait! What did you say, My Lady? Since when is this man your uncle!?"
"Hm? Isn't it obvious?" Penny butted in, finally calm enough to speak without stuttering. "Uncle Roland is my uncle, Snowy is my sister, therefore Uncle Roland is her uncle too. It makes perfect sense."
"No, it doesn't!" Tajana exclaimed, and even stomped her bare feet on the floor. "None of this makes sense! That's not how families work at all!"
Completely ignoring her tantrum, Snowy put her tray down and turned a pair of apologetic eyes at Roland.
"Um… Please don't hold that against Tajana. She's a Seducer, like me, and… old habits die hard."
"No offense taken." Completely unfazed, he finished up his drink before nonchalantly adding, "However, if I were to take offense, I think you would need to quickly do something about it, before I would develop a negative opinion of you. And that would be terrible."
The comment was obviously aimed at Tajana, and after intensely staring at each other for a few seconds, she exhaled a shallow sigh and asked, "What do you have in mind?"
"Nothing much. If I would be offended, then I would most likely ask you to honestly answer a simple question to make amends." In the meantime, Snowy took the empty cup from his hand. As if waiting for that, his expression hardened, and he continued in a slow, deep tone. "Such as telling us about how many retainers have accompanied you to the island."
"Retainers? What retainers?" she responded in a hurry, looking very innocent, which made her all the more suspicious, and Roland shared my assessment.
"I asked first."
"What are you two talking about? Did I miss something?" Penny butted in, and while the adults continued to stare daggers at each other, Snowy sidled over to explain the situation.
"One of the patrols encountered a group of unknown Fauns near the school."
"Unknown? As in, not one of ours? What happened? Did anyone get hurt?"
"No. They retreated when Hrul and Vurrok investigated the area, but they didn't follow after them. There's no way to tell how many of them were out there, and so I told them to be cautious."
"Good call." Penny's brows descended into a determined frown, and she clenched her free hand into a fist. "Next time, I'll go and help them patrol, and then we'll catch them all!"
"Not tonight," my other sister chided her with a stern look in her eyes. "We have to study for tomorrow's math exam."
"Do we reeeally have to? I wanted to try cooking some Italian food for dinner."
"The exam is more important."
"Oh, come on, Snowy! This is important too"
My knightly sister continued to gripe, moan, and negotiate, but none of that seemed to register with the two 'guests' in the room.
"You can't expect me to tell you that," Tajana responded to the last question hanging in the air in a low voice.
"It would be in your best interest if you do. Otherwise, I might act like I'm offended, and make your life harder."
"Such as?"
"Such as transferring you to our custody."
"Hah!" She flashed a smug grin and crossed her arms. "My Lady wouldn't let that happen! She already promised!"
Roland glanced over at my sisters, then back at the triumphant woman on the couch, and raised an intrigued brow.
"Is that so? Then I will have no choice but to get more creative." His eyes moved again, first at the bowl still in Penny's hand, and then the empty snack wrappers on the couch, before returning to her face again. "It seems you are enjoying some privileges, despite being our captive. I can change that."
"… You wouldn't."
"Yes, I would," he said with an amused smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "For example, I see no reason why you should have access to sweets and home-cooked meals while we still have a whole crate of MRE rations we no longer need back at the base. And…" This time, he overtly turned his head to look at the TV, and he let out a derisive huff. "I don't see why a captive should be allowed to watch television at all."
"Wait, you can't do that!"
"Why couldn't I?"
"Because…" Tajana, suddenly finding herself on the back foot, gestured at him. "Because you can't enforce it!"
"Can't I?"
"You are a busy man, aren't you? You can't be here to watch over me all the time!"
"Truth be told, I'm not that busy nowadays, and if, say, I would develop a grudge after feeling offended, I might just do that out of spite." Pausing, he pointed at the half-empty soda bottle by Tajana's feet. "I also don't think you need soft drinks. Plain water should suffice."
"You… You're an evil man!"
"I never claimed to be good," Roland responded with a full-on-smirk, and despite her initial bravado, Tajana gave in very quickly.
"F-Fine! Nine! There are nine of them! Are you happy now?"
"Yes. Elated, even," Roland answered flatly. "Now, I have one more question."
"Hey! You said I only had to answer one!"
"Uncle Roland." Tugging on his sleeve to get his attention, Snowy wedged herself between the two of them and lightly frowned at the Griffon Knight. "Please don't bully Tajana."
"… I would like to remind you that she's the chief intelligence operative of a hostile party. Under any other circumstances, an interrogation like this would be considered preposterously inefficient at best and borderline silly at worst."
"Objectively speaking, yes, but she's also my guest," she pointed out.
"My Lady…"
Tajana's eyes practically sparkled as she gazed at my sister with a gaze full of worship, only to immediately crash upon Snowy's next words.
"That said, I agree that you shouldn't drink so much cola."
"B-But… My Abyssal metabolism…"
"You're still going to get cavities," Snowy pointed out, and Roland looked like he had a hard time stifling a chuckle at the Abyssal spymaster's expense.
He was… unusually expressive this evening. Maybe her attempt to put her hooks in him with some kind of Seducer magic accidentally awakened the man's sense of humour? Whatever the case might've been, he quickly reined it in and cleared his throat.
"I must still insist on asking one last question." Snowy narrowed her eyes at him, but when he remained steadfast, she made a vague gesture at Tajana. "Thank you. Now then, can you tell me what your subordinates are doing?"
"… How should I know?" Tajana's answer obviously didn't satisfy him, and when it looked like he would start glaring again, she let out a defeated sigh. "I've been trapped in this house for days, so I can't be sure, but if I would have to guess, I'd say they must be looking for me."
"Then how come they have only been sighted around the School and the Draconic Federation Headquarters?"
Tajana considered his question for a moment, then after an overt show of realization, she sheepishly told him, "Uh… You see, I didn't tell them where I was going. My meeting with my Lady was supposed to be a secret, so I left them behind outside Timaeus. Since I never returned, they must have thought I was captured by either the Magi or the dragonbloods."
"And so they are trying to find out where you're held captive," Roland mused, rubbing his chin.
"And they didn't even consider looking here?" Penny interjected, sounding rather amused. "Wow. Your Fauns must be much dumber than ours."
"What do you mean 'ours'?" Tajana's head snapped to face Penny, and my sister shrugged.
"They are Snowy's retainers, and she's my sister, and they call Brother 'Regent' because he's her brother too, and since I'm his sister too, it means they are our Fauns. Collectively. I think that's how it works, right?"
"No! That's not how anythingworks!"
Ignoring her complaints, Snowy giggled, apparently finding the situation amusing, while Roland seemed to be deep in thought.
"Supposing what you said is true, we should increase the number of patrols in the city. I don't believe you would make my job easier by telling us the location of their hideout, would you?"
Facing Roland again, Tajana glared at him and let out an indignant huff.
"I don't know, because I've been locked up here, but even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you."
"Not very cooperative," Roland grumbled as he took his fingers off his chin and turned towards the door leading to the entryway. "It's still better than nothing."
"Are you leaving already?" Penny asked in a hurry and skipped over to his side. "You just arrived!"
"I have work to do."
"Did you tell me you aren't as busy as you used to be?"
Tajana's sulky question gave the man a pause, and Penny capitalized on it right away.
"That's right! Now that everyone knows Brother is all right, you shouldn't have that much to do. It's been a while since the last time we could just sit down and talk and…" Desperately looking for an excuse, her eyes landed on Snowy, and they lit up with an idea. "And stay for dinner! Snowy's been teaching me how to cook, and I'm getting good… I mean, better at it! I'll show you how much I've improved!"
Our Sir Griffon didn't seem entirely convinced, but in front of Penny's eager eyes, he soon gave up and let out a shallow breath.
"Today's agenda is mostly finished, so… I suppose I could spare a few hours."
"Yay! Just you wait! Soon, Duncan won't be able to make fun of my cooking! You'll see!"
With that, my knightly sister rushed into the kitchen, and after some hesitation, Snowy let out a dejected 'Hauuu…' and tugged on Roland's sleeve again to get his attention.
"I'll… um… I'll go and provide support! Don't worry! I'll make sure everything will be all right!"
Those words didn't exactly inspire confidence, but before he could get a word in, she also exited the room after my other sister, leaving the Knight alone with the spymaster.
"So, it's just the two of us now," he noted, sounding notably more exhausted than before.
Pulling her legs under her, Tajana eyed him suspiciously and nearly jumped when he unceremoniously took a seat at the other end of the couch.
"Y-Yes! But don't try to do anything funny! If you try to do anything, I'll scream, and my Lady will make sure you'll be sorry!"
"That's rich coming from an Abyssal Seducer." Roland sounded as deadpan as I'd ever heard him, but after a long beat, some of the tension drained from his shoulders and he leaned back in his seat. "You're a high-ranking member of House Inanna. Shouldn't you be able to defend yourself if I tried 'anything funny'?"
"I'm… more of the intellectual type."
"Says the woman who left her bodyguards behind and got herself captured right away."
"H-Hey! That was just a small miscalculation!"
Sulking, she fumbled around on the couch, apparently looking for some half-eaten snack, but instead, she found the remote control, and her eyes opened wide.
"Oh no! My series!" She frantically kept pressing the button to unmute the TV, though I had no idea why, as the credits rolling on the screen should've already told her it was pointless. "Agh! I missed it!"
"Missed what?"
"The big confession scene!"
Looking thoroughly unimpressed, Roland uttered an equally uninterested, "Such tragedy."
"No, it's a romance, and…" I could practically see the gears moving in Tajana's head, her arm still outstretched but no longer trying to unmute the TV, and after letting the remote down, she faced the Griffon Knight again. "You! It's your fault that this happened! If you didn't show up and started pestering me, I wouldn't have missed the confession!"
"And what am I supposed to do about that?"
"Compensate me!" she shamelessly declared with a fearless grin that made it hard to believe she was on the verge of crying over missing the ending of a soap opera episode just a few seconds ago.
"I refuse."
"Hey! You can't just refuse me like that!"
"Why can't I?"
"Because… because that's mean!"
"I never claimed to be a nice man either."
"Then… It's cowardly! You are a cowardly knight, and I tell everyone about it!"
"Everyone in this house," Roland pointed out, causing her to outright pout in return.
"I'll… I'll tell the Fauns, and they will spread it far and wide! I'll also tell them how you are an evil, manipulative man!"
Roland levelled a flat stare at the woman and responded in a flat, monotonous voice.
"Oh no. It will completely ruin my reputation. Please have mercy on me."
"Yes, it will… Hey! Stop making fun of me!"
At last, our Sir Griffon exhaled an exasperated breath and waved for her to calm down.
"This argument is pointless. Just tell me what you want, and if it's not too much, I'll consider it."
Tajana perked up at once, her eyes opening wide in excitement.
"You promised, so you can't take it back! Okay? You hear me?" When he wearily nodded, she took several deep breaths to calm herself. "I've heard that you have met Lord Bel in person, right?"
The unexpected question made the moustachioed man narrow his eyes, and it took him several seconds to respond.
"Lord Bel?"
"Yes!" She completely missed the emphasis and barrelled on without any apprehension. "He's such a mysterious man, and so little is known about him, and since you have also met him in person, I was curious if you might know something about him."
Roland remained silent, but his eyes were staring at the woman's face as if trying to read her mind through every movement of her eyes and twitch of her muscles. At last, he shook his head.
"I don't know much about Bel of the Abyss, but I can tell you this much: you shouldn't try to get close to him."
"What? Why?"
There were many simple yet adequate answers to that question, such as telling him that Bel was unstable, or that he was a comedic sociopath, or even just that nobody knew his allegiances or end goals. All of which would've fit perfectly and straightforwardly in line with the persona I built up. Instead, he threw a curveball.
"I see that you are quite interestedin Bel."
"You could… say that. In a sense. Yes."
Ignoring how sheepish she sounded, Roland continued in the same dry tone.
"I won't ask you about the exact nature of your interest, but I will give you a warning instead. You should not pursue Bel of the Abyss in any capacity. Understand that I'm only telling you this since you're Neige's 'guest' at the moment, and as such, I think you deserve at least minimal courtesy. If you fail to heed my warning, it will inevitably upset certain people, and it's in our best interest to avoid that. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Yes. Um. No?" Confused, Tajana cocked her head to the side and muttered, "I'm not entirely sure."
"Fine. I'll be more direct. Just forget about Bel of the Abyss, and move on with your life. It'll be better for everyone."
I thought she would argue back, but instead, she just blinked in a kind of confounded stupor, and when she didn't react, Roland reached out and snatched the remote out of her hand. Belatedly, she stared at him as he finally unmuted the TV, and then began cycling through the channels, looking for a particular one.
"Erm… I'll… consider what you said very carefully."
"Make sure you do."
In the meantime, Roland finally found a channel to his liking. On the screen, a very British narrator explained the complicated social lives of lion prides in the savannah, and he watched it all without paying any attention to Tajana anymore. As for her, she looked rather befuddled still, and each time she sneakily glanced at the man sitting at the other end of the couch, her frown deepened even further. I had no idea what was going through her head, but chances are, it was something silly.
And just like that, it was yet another quiet evening in the life of the Dunning household, with its ups and downs and occasional culinary incidents. Because, as it turned out, even after all that training and Snowy's support, Penny's spaghetti was only a pale imitation of real Italian food.
In other words, her dish was an impasta. And that is, in essence, life.
Comments
Terry Stevens
thatbusy That busy
Terry Stevens
Oh, come on, Snowy! The is important too" Oh, come on Snowy! This is important too”
