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The Simulacrum - April Fools 2024
🕑 Added 2024-03-17 15:06:03 +0000 UTCIt was that time again. Time for a dramatic finale, that is.
Everything was planned out with meticulous detail over the past couple of months. All the actors were in the right place, all the moving parts were oiled and prepared, and now it was time to finish the show!
It was the middle of the night, and I stood in the opulent royal gardens right next to the enormous ballroom of the Kingdom of Nearlandia. Not to be confused with the Kingdom of Farlandia, which was very far from here, or the Principality of Midlandia, which neither here, nor there. But I digress; I wasn't here for a geography lesson. I was waiting for Angie to finish up their big romantic confession scene, and… I should explain the context, shouldn't I?
Yeah, without that, I suppose this didn't make much sense. Okay, recap time!
So, last year, I tried to experiment with the physical embodiment of the Simulacrum I nabbed from the not-dark not-room while everyone else was on vacation, and after a whole lot of misadventures, we somehow ended up in a mecha sci-fi space opera. The girls were curious, so we stayed there for a while, and we helped Princess Snowy to fight off the nefarious forces of the Celestial Empire led by the Triumvirate of Evil. It was all very epic, full of big space-battles and lots of mecha-duels with lasers and explosions and oh my, but once things were resolved, we quickly left before we could be roped into an inevitable yet markedly inferior sequel. Unfortunately, that's just how that genre operated.
We had spent the rest of the year hopping between narratives of various genres and tones, and our last foray involved a villainess reincarnation kind of plot. Well, okay, the 'reincarnation' part was something we invented on the fly, but let's not get ahead ourselves. So, first off, let me explain what the genre is about.
As its name implied, it was a genre centered around the 'villainess', a female antagonist allegedly common in certain shoujo-romance and visual novel stories, who would aggressively pursue one or more male leads, bully the female protagonist, and get their comeuppance at the end. It usually also involved an annulled engagement, her family's corruption being revealed to the public, and a bunch of other very common stuff that made you think this was an established trope with a long history. In reality, it was never a common character archetype, but its 'deconstructions' made it popular all the same. I think the proper term was a 'Dead Unicorn Trope'?
Anyhow, I'm rambling. The point was that we ended up in one of those, with Elly falling into the role of the villainess. It was because of the oujo-ringlets, I tell you. Anyhow, this time around Angie was the protagonist, while Josh, Zihao, and Raven Boy served as the male leads. The plot, at least before we entered it, was a pretty normal fare, with a magical academy setting in a magical post-Victorian-era fantasy world. Josh played the talented commoner with an inferiority complex archetype, Zihao was the arrogant genius young prince, while Raven Boy was the taciturn knight in service of the villainess. So far, so clichéd.
Angie, naturally, was the 'commoner admitted into the academy because her rare holy magic made her a candidate to become the next saintess to seal the demon king' trope (yes, that's a thing), while Elly played the only daughter of the Dracis Duchy engaged to Prince Zihao. No, not Naoren. He was the king of Nearlandia instead. I guess the usual roles of the brothers got mixed around a bit so that everyone was in the right age group for the shoujo manga reverse-harem archetypes.
As for where Judy and I factor into this… well, Judy took the role of Elly's personal maid, so that she could follow her around in the magical school and take notes. By the way, of the three of us, she was the one most invested in this scenario. It may or may not have had something to do with her admitted previous 'research' into romance light novels and mangas, but it was beside the point. As long as she had fun, I was willing to play along. As for me… well…
"[Chief. The cuckoo ate the worm. I repeat, the worm was eaten,]" my lovely assistant informed me through a magical communicator that looked just like a walkie-talkie, but with a pointy blue crystal at the end of the antenna. Honestly, the magitech in this world was supremely uncreative.
Anyhow, I raised it to my mouth and pressed the button on the side.
"Roger, Dormouse. I'm moving to position."
"Understood. Dormouse, out."
She really liked the whole mission control roleplay, didn't she? Also, for the record, her previous code-word meant that the plot has reached its conclusion, with Angie choosing her love interest and she confessed to him at the crescendo of the end-of-the-year ball of Nearlandia's Magicial Institute of Magic for the Magically Gifted. I'm sure everyone is sitting on the edge of their seats to learn who she picked! Was it the outwardly chivalrous but secretly shifty knight? Or the brash, overconfident prince of the kingdom? Or maybe she went the yuri route, and chose the shy yet privately quite fiery granddaughter of Nearlandia's court mage? The possibilities are endl—!
"They returned to the dance floor," the walkie-talkie blared to life again in my hand. "I repeat; Angeline and Joshua returned to the dance floor, over."
… Yes, of course she picked Josh. As expected. But hey, for a couple of weeks, the reverse-harem route was still in play, so it wasn't a completely foregone conclusion!
Anyhow, I pocketed the communication device, straightened my tailcoat, spread my wings, and flew over the glass dome of the ballroom. I needed a bombastic entrance, so we decided to do that quite literally, by secretly setting up a bunch of magitech shaped-charges (read: a bunch of red dynamite rods, with a blue magic crystal on top) on the roof. Judy was in charge of them, so I pressed the button in my pocket.
"In position, over."
"Roger. Detonation in three, two, one…"
The explosion buffeted my clothes and made me rise higher in the air. I was a bit nervous about this part, but we set up a bunch of wards to guide the falling debris away from the dance floor, so in theory, nobody would be seriously injured. Again, in theory; we didn't exactly have the opportunity to make a practice run, considering this involved blowing a hole in the building's ceiling. Anyhow, once the dust settled, I slowly descended.
"Hahahaha!"
Of course, no villain entry was complete without maniacal laughter, and I did my best to fulfil the role I had to adopt. I said 'had to' because the original big bad was supposed to be Crowy, but the first time he showed up, I reflexively clocked him so hard that he ended up in a coma. Because of that, I was forced to take his place as the heavily foreshadowed yet elusive demon king of the continent of Continentia. By the way, did I mention that this setting was a bit uninspired yet?
"Vile villain! Show yourself!" Agrawain yelled at me even before I properly came into view, and he menacingly waved his sword in the direction of the hole in the dome.
Behind him, the rest of the main characters were also raring for battle. They were all wearing dress uniforms and fancy gowns, as befitting of the final, end-of-the-story party trope, where the female protagonist's choice of love interest was set in stone based on their dance partner. Again, very cliché.
For the record, I looked into the framework of this story within the Simulacrum, and that's how I learned that the resurrected demon king (aka yours truly) was also a potential 'capture target', and that's why I had to show up here. Of course, the conditions for Angie to trigger that route were so convoluted, there was no chance of it naturally happening without a guide. Not that I would've played along, even if she did, but still.
Anyhow, it was time for the finale, and as the villain, I had planned my entrance perfectly. By poking the dodecahedron representing the Simulacrum embedded in my forehead, I triggered a lunar eclipse, making sure that the darkened moon would hang over the hole I blew in the ceiling. After all, when it came to villains, presentation was the name of the game. As soon as my feet touched the ground, I slowly swept my gaze across the people present. The noble kids, all placeholders, were being evacuated while armoured guards wielding impractically huge halberds rushed in to encircle us.
As for the 'heroes', Raven Boy was sporting a two-handed sword, as expected of a knight-in-training, 'Prince Zihao' was in the process of conjuring up a fireball, because in this continuity, he was a mage or something, while Josh was sporting a pretty standard sword-and-board setup. As for Angie, she had a big, fancy staff with a six-winged angel as the head. A tank, a single target damage dealer, an area-of-effect damage dealer, and a healer. Quite a standard JRPG party. As for where they even got their weapons… let's just call it gameplay and story segregation. Yes, yes, I know this wasn't an actual game, but that was as good an answer as any I could come up with.
"You! You are the demon king!" Angie exclaimed, sounding more excited than afraid. "Leonardicus Dunningus!"
"Yes, that is, unfortunately, my name!" I declared and opened my arms wide. It was Judy's cue to trigger two more explosives hidden in the back. They weren't the same type as the ones that blew up the ceiling, oh no. These… were actually round cartoon bombs. With pointy blue magical crystals on them, of course.
Anyhow, these were designed to create a big fireball, but do little damage. In other words, they were only there to further enhance my entrance.
"Look, Josh! I told you Leo would be the final villain!"
"Yes, yes. You won our bet," Joshua moaned and handed over a couple of silver coins to the elated in-this-continuity-not-Celestial girl.
"You are courting death, demon king!" Prince Zihao exclaimed in turn and swirled the ball of fire over his hand. "You have eyes, yet you're unable to recognize Mount Tai!"
"Psst! Idiot! You're supposed to be a western prince!" Josh whispered furiously as he poked the in-this-continuity-not-Draconian with his elbow.
"Who are you calling an idiot, you imbecile!"
Meanwhile, Raven Boy let out a groan, and muttered, "I'm surrounded by idiots."
Was… Was I the only one who took this thing seriously?
…
Whatever, it didn't matter. I was doing this to let the girls have fun, so I was going to play my role till the end. Speaking of which, I raised my hand and pointed at the girl in the back.
"I have come for the head of Saintess Angeline! All of you! Get out of my way, and I will spare your miserable lives!"
"Never!" Josh stood in front of Angie, shield at the ready. "You will never take her from me, fiend, for I… I…" He faltered and glanced back at the girl, then whispered, "I love her," in a mousy voice.
"Boo! You were supposed to say that out loud, for everyone to hear! Boo!" she complained. This should've been the cue for Elly to get in, but she was nowhere to be seen.
"[Chief. The morning star is being obstructed. I repeat, she's being held up. Stall for time, over,]" Judy informed me from the walkie-talkie in my pocket, and I had to roll my eyes.
"Fine! I shall fight you all then!" I declared. "But first, let me tell you a story!"
I was now playing the role of the villain, therefore I had to monologue. Not to mention, since the demon king was only vaguely hinted at as a legend before, I had to infodump his (read: my) entire backstory on them, and this was as good an opportunity as any. It was going to be grand, long, and very in-debt, going into the history of the world, full of battles and betrayals and their psychological effects on the demon king to explain all of my (read: his) motivations and thought processes. I wrote all of that down beforehand, so that I could play the character consistently, and so I took a deep breath, and—
"Stooop!"
Stopped, when the princess, wearing a frilly pink gown, knocked one of the guards standing in her way with a Falcon Punch and bulldozed her way through all of them to stand between me and our group of intrepid heroes. And Raven Boy.
"Stop it! You can't fight!" my actually-draconic-even-in-this-continuity girlfriend shouted out with her arms spread out.
"But Elly! He's the demon king!" Angie protested from the back.
"No! He's not a bad guy, just misunderstood!"
Oy, princess. You aren't going to convince anyone with that.
"Really?" Josh muttered, and let down his sword. "But he's the demon king, right? How does that work?"
"Is there such a thing as a good demon king?" Angie mused, and the others shrugged.
Okay, so these guys were an exception. Still, Elly was going off script, so it was time to re-rail the scene. With that in mind, I walked up behind her, took one of her hands, and twirled her around, holding her by the waist.
"Eleanor. Why are you standing in my way?"
The princess blinked at me, eyes wide open, but remained silent. I tried to prod her.
"You?"
"I…?"
"You can't?"
"Ah!" That finally jolted her out of her stage fright, and she exclaimed, "I can't let you b-bloody your hands again!" Then she whispered, "Ow. I bit my tongue."
Anyhow, I barreled on with the script.
"The last time we met, I told you that if you stood in my way again, you would suffer. Why, oh why, would you show yourself in front of me again?"
"B-Because I believe in you!"
"Bah! How could you believe in one such as I! The demon king! King of the demons and other four creatures that crawl the underworld! That is me!"
That was her cue, again, but she was only staring at me with a weird grin.
"Elly, your line," I hissed through my teeth, and she once again blinked in realization.
"I-I-It's because I'm from the future!" She exclaimed in a high-pitched voice. "I-I mean, I regressed. Came back. That's why I know that deep down, you're a good guy, and you don't want to do this!"
"You regressed in time?!" Angie exclaimed, sounding oddly excited. "Was that why you changed so suddenly, broke up your engagement with Prince Zihao, and how you resolved everyone's deep-seated problems one after the other?"
"Y-Yes…" Elly responded a bit sheepishly, not expecting the plot to be laid bare like that. "I… came back to save everyone… um… including the demon king?"
That wasn't her line, and somehow her dramatic declaration turned into a question, but whatever, I could work with it.
"Bah! What do you know about me? I'm a monster born of the evils of humanity. There is no good in me!"
"Yes, there is! You're… um…" This time, I couldn't help her, because we were in full-on improv territory, but luckily, Judy came to the rescue.
"[He's the one who has to break the chain of violence and forgive the saintess, over.]"
"Yes! You have to break the chains of violence and forgive Angie!" she repeated after the voice coming from my pocket, confusing everyone.
"Forgive me for what?"
"For reasons pertaining to the true history of the saintess and the demon king, and…!" I raised my voice, ready to give my monologue, but then we were interrupted when a shadowy figure exploded another hole in the roof (luckily, the wards were still effective).
"You miserable bastard! You dare to impersonate me!"
From the new hole he made for some reason, even though there was already a perfectly good one there, descended Crowy, wearing a tattered suit and his head still covered in bandages.
"A-Awawa! That wasn't supposed to happen!" the princess yelped in surprise but still stepped between us while adopting a martial arts stance.
"Oh, no!" I exclaimed in mock horror and pointed at him, trying to salvage the situation with more ad libbing. "That's my evil half manifested! Quick, you have to defeat him!"
"Wait!" Angie stopped everyone by raising a hand. "Does that make you the good demon king?"
"No, I'm the slightly less evil demon king," I responded with a scoff. "I'm the one who steals candy from babies and scratches the expiration day off the milk cartons in the fridge!"
"Well, that is pretty evil…" Josh murmured, completely ignoring Crowy doing his shounen anime transformation sequence into his Abyssal form in the background.
"What about him, then?" Agrawain asked, pointing his sword at the other totally legit demon king.
"I will kill you! I will kill everyone! I will massacre this entire forsaken kingdom and—"
"That," I told him while also pointing his way, and Josh in the background let out a hum.
"In that case, let's go and take care of the greater evil first! Team, let's move out!"
"I'm not part of your team, bastard!" Zihao might've objected, but he still followed his lead, and they entered into battle against the fully Abyssal-transformed Crowy in an epic fight of epic proportions… that lasted about thirty seconds, give or take five.
With the unconscious Crowy lying on the floor, the four of them were rather stumped.
"Wasn't this too easy?" Angie asked tentatively, and her boyfriend shrugged.
"Well, we did spend the last two months level-grinding."
"Oh, right. We did that," she responded lightheartedly and then raised her staff high. "As the saintess, I will now banish the evil demon king back into the Abyss!"
She was bathed in golden holy light, and then, after holding her staff aloft for a few more seconds… she swung it down with all her might, right on top of the unconscious Crowy's head. There was a big explosion of light, and…
"Is that a crater?" Raven Boy muttered in a daze. "Did… did you just kill him?"
"Don't be silly!" Angie dismissed him with a wave of her hand. "I'm the saintess. I can't kill people. It's against the job description."
"Well, if you say so," Josh whispered, while Zihao looked rather uneasy next to him.
"Remind me not to make her angry in the future."
"Noted," Josh said, and then turned to me. "So… what about you, then?"
"Well, since my evil half was defeated, I guess I'll go and live a quiet life in the countryside?" I answered a tad uncertainly. That was supposed to be our cover story for later, after the princess would convince me to stand down with the power of love and whatnot, but since the protagonists already had their big finale, I figured it was best not to draw it out any further.
"I… I'm coming with you!" Elly declared by literally jumping into my arms.
"Duchess Eleanor! You can't! He's still the demon king!" Zihao argued while readying another fireball.
"I don't care! I love him!" the princess exclaimed, silencing the ballroom.
"You see? That's how you do it," Angie teased her boyfriend, poking his chin with her finger, and Josh rolled his eyes.
"Leave me alone. It's embarrassing…"
In any case, we had nothing else to do here, so I hefted her in my arms, let out another megalomaniacal laugh, and spread my wings again before taking to the sky.
"This is interesting, mortals! Very well! I will spare your world of my evil for now! And as for you, Duchess Eleanor… you're coming with me!"
And with that, I flew through the original hole in the dome, and once we were far enough, we Phased into one of the side rooms of the palace near the ballroom, where Judy set up shop.
"That was a mess," my dear assistant declared as soon as we appeared.
"But it was fun!" Elly replied with an ear-to-ear grin as she dangled her legs. "I didn't expect Noire to show up though. Was that part of the secret plan?"
"No… just a run-of-the-mill unexpected variable," I groaned as I let her down. "Seriously, trying to keep a plot on track in the Simulacrum is like trying to herd cats on a mobility scooter."
"Why would cats be on a mobility scooter?" Judy asked innocently, and when I only rolled my eyes, she took off her maid's headdress and walked up to me. "Are we leaving?"
"That was the plan."
"Do you think they'll have after-stories?" Elly mused as she dusted off her dress.
"Their story doesn't end just because we leave, so that's kind of a moot question," I told her and poked the dodecahedron embedded in my forehead, undoing the lunar eclipse and whatever other minor changes I've made up to this day. "All right, girls. Any requests?"
"Murder mystery," Judy answered at once.
"Are you sure?" She nodded, and while I'd vetoed this idea a couple of times in the past, this time, I gave in. "Oh, fine. Princess?"
"I'm okay with it."
"In that case, hold on tight."
That was supposed to be a figure of speech, but the two of them still hugged me at the same time. Then, I touched my forehead again, and the whole world shifted around us, like a badly photoshopped image that was ran through too many artsy filters, until we were suddenly in an oddly familiar place.
"Hey! Isn't this your room from canon?" Elly exclaimed in excitement and threw herself onto the bed. "Wow! I feel so nostalgic!"
"Is this going to be a murder mystery in your home?" Judy, still in her maid uniform, by the way, looked around with a nearly imperceptible frown. "I thought it would at least happen in Elly's mansion."
"Nah, I think we got side-tracked again. I thought I cleaned all the orange juice out of the Simulacrum already, but there still seem to be some bugs." I tapped the dodecahedron embedded in my forehead a couple of times, but it didn't make much of a difference. "This may take a couple of minutes."
"In that case," Judy said and sat down on the bed as well. "Let's rest for a while."
"Good idea!" The princess also sat up, making the skirt of her puffy gown stick up at an awkward angle, but she didn't seem to care. "I'm a bit peckish, anyway."
"I'll go grab some snacks then," I proposed, and with my girlfriends' approval, I walked out of my room, only to nearly reel back. "This doesn't seem right…"
Outside of my room, the rest of the house was unnaturally dark, with the walls and ceiling kind of waving and vibrating to an unheard melody. Unblinking, I carefully made my way down the equally wobbly stairs, but stopped before I reached the ground floor, and crouched down to hide behind the railings.
The usual living room was missing the usual furniture. Instead, it very much reminded me of the not-dark not-room, but this time, it was more like a classroom. In the far end, there was a portable whiteboard, with a couple of star-entities sitting behind desks staring at it. I was hiding, so I could only see a small sliver of the place, but it still sent chills down my spine.
"So, as I was saying," the star-person in front of the whiteboard, whom I belatedly recognized as The Man, cleared his throat and pointed at one of the many encircled names written on the board. They had lines of various colours connecting them, and he gestured at the one in the middle. "Due to unforeseen developments, this is what the web of characters currently looks like. Can you see the problem?"
For a moment, there was silence, but then a voice I recognized as The Boy spoke up.
"The blue lines mean family ties, right?" The Man nodded, at least as much as stormy moons could do that. "Does that mean that everyone is related?"
"Precisely!" The Man declared, encircling the name 'Leonard S. Dunning' in the middle. "And it all starts here!"
"Question!" The Girl chirped, and he pointed at her."
"Yes?"
"There's one connection I don't understand."
"Which one?"
"The branch from Leonard to Amelia," she clarified, and that made me raise a brow.
"Didn't I already explain this?" The Man complained and started drawing lines again. "He adopted Neige, who is related to Angeline, who's Michael's cousin, and he's dating Amelia. It's simple."
"No, go back!" She exclaimed in a hurry. "It's the beginning that makes no sense!"
"Him adopting her? Well, yes, she wasn't supposed to live, let alone become a permanent fixture, but…"
"I don't think that's what she means," The Woman spoke in a somewhat disinterested voice. "Is it the connection between Neige and Angeline you find odd?"
"Precisely!" The Girl chirped, and The Man let out a groan.
"It's because they're cousins!"
"H-How does that work?" The Boy chimed in, sounding especially confused. "Isn't one of them a demon, and the other an angel?"
"Abyssal and Celestial," The Man corrected him with a scoff. "And no, it makes perfect sense." He started drawing on the board again as he explained, "Listen, their grandmother had two daughters. One of them remained in Elysium and gave birth to Angeline, who was sent to Earth. The other one became a spy who was captured by Neige's father, they fell in love, and he took her in as a secret concubine. After his first wife died, he married her before their untimely death via assassins. That means they are cousins."
"Wait, slow down!" The Girl cut in again. "But if her mother is a Celestial, then how is she a demon?"
"Abyssal, and it's because the Abyssal genes are dominant." The Man's answer left a long silence in its wake, and he let out an angry groan. "Oh for the love of…! Don't you pay any attention? Listen!" He turned around again and began to furious scribble on the board. "Celestial and Draconian genes are both recessive. That's why they have to pay attention to their bloodlines. However, if the two are mixed, it results in Abyssal genes, which are always dominant. After that, whether an Abyssal has offspring with a human, a Draconian, or a Celestial, it always results in an Abyssal child. Does that ring a bell?"
"Somewhat," The Boy whimpered, causing The Man to shout at him.
"Well, it should, because I already explained this to you lot! This is basic world-building, people! How can you not even remember this much!?"
"Calm down," The Woman cut in with a disapproving click of her tongue. "The better question is this: is the fact that Leonard S. Dunning domestically related to all of the other original heroines and even the majority of the supporting cast an organic development, or not?"
"It's hard to say," The Man grumbled and tapped on the board. "The problem is that many of those familial relations were set ahead of time, and since he's a Free Actor, his exact thought processes can't be accessed until the session concluded."
Then, without warning, what little colour was in the room drained as someone new and unfamiliar spoke up. I couldn't see him from where I was crouching, but I could barely make out a three-fingered white hand leisurely pointing at the board, followed by an ear-piercing, raspy voice filling the not-dark not-classroom.
"Was your Simulacrum session designed with multiple Free Actors in mind?"
"N-No…" The Man stammered, visibly sweating. "As you must surely know, a Free Actor is—"
That was as far as I listened before I rapidly crab-walked up the stairs and only stood up when I reached the door leading to my room.
"Welcome back, Chief," Judy greeted me absently and tugged at her costume. "Listen. Since I'm already in this outfit, why don't we—?"
"We're leaving," I said as I forcefully picked her up and slung her over my shoulder.
"Chief? What's—?"
"This is supposed be light-hearted non-canon silliness, dammit!" I groaned as I grabbed Elly's waist and carried her under my arm. "I'm not dealing with this crap!"
"Kyaa!" my draconic girlfriend yelped, sounding half-surprised and half-amused by the unexpected situation.
"Coming through!" I said to no-one in particular and pierced the air in front of me with my phantom limbs, tearing a hole into the fabric of reality. On the other side, I could see a red star, crowned by shimmering black tendrils, in the process of gobbling up a smaller yellow sun. I could sense an enormous presence pressing down on me as I jumped into the hole, so I politely nodded in the direction of the suns. "Sorry for the intrusion. We're just passing through."
The twin suns' aura continued to scrutinize me for a long moment, but then it left with what felt like a cosmic shrug.
"Chief? Care to explain what's going on?"
"It would take too long," I told her as I opened another hole in reality. "Let's go find your murder mystery story, and let's hope that whole situation will resolve itself by next year."
And with that, I jumped into the hole, with the indifferent twin suns' attention turning to more important things. I had no idea what those were, but to be fair, I didn't want to know. Sounded too canon-y for my tastes.
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Egathentale
Hello, dear readers. As promised, here's this year's April Fools chapter (a bit early, but hey, releasing it here on the actual day would defeat the purpose of Patreon early access). Anyhow, see you tomorrow with the next proper Simulacrum update. Till then, ciao!
