Samantha Blacklock
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Second chapter
🕑 Added 2022-02-28 11:18:16 +0000 UTCThe next part of this story! At the end there's a letter Lynn left for her parents when she left home ^^ Again, I'll be thankful if you have some feedback!
Pt. 2 As if I didn’t already know.
Every once in a while I have this dream, where I wake up in a strange place. I can't recognize the room or bed, and I get scared immediately.
Slowly, I gather the courage to get up and find out what's happening. Then I realize something has changed.
I see a mirror, and I realize I'm a woman now. I mean, my body is that of a woman, and even though I don't understand what happened, I feel strangely at peace, finally, I feel at home, finally, I can be free, I have no idea what I'll do from now on, but I can finally be myself, but then...
Avelyn was woken up by a gentle movement. She opened her eyes and saw Elizabeth shaking her shoulder.
I always wake up before I can do something else.
― Hey, wake up.
Avelyn sat up and realized she was on the floor, besides the sofa.
― Oh, I’m sorry.
― Why? You didn’t hurt the floor! ―Elizabeth laughed ―.
Ashamed, Avelyn tried to smile shyly.
― Let’s go, I made breakfast.
― Y-you didn’t have to…
― Well, I need a friend to talk with, but you won’t be able to talk if you starve.
The two of them sat down at the table. In front of them, there were hotcakes, a cup of tea for each one, maple syrup, and cutlery.
While Avelyn was cutting the first piece of her meal, a question appeared on her mind.
― Lizzy, do you have a job?
― Well, yeah, but I’m free this week ―she replied while cleaning her lips with a napkin ―.
― What do you do?
― A bit of everything, serve the coffee, keep the boss’ children happy, carry errands from here to there, keep world peace, and sharpen pencils. Sometimes they don’t need me, other times they can’t live without me. It’s a bit boring sometimes, but I get enough to pay for the food.
― I’m… Sorry…
― Wha- and now why?
Well… I’m here, eating your food even though I don’t pay a dime…
― That was… I didn’t mean that ―Elizabeth laughed ―. You don’t have to worry!
― In any case, I want to search for a job.
― There’s no hurry right now, and you should wait until you feel better. I don’t think there’ll be many places eager to hire you when you have that expression unless they need to fill spaces in someone’s funeral.
― Yeah, I think you’re right…
― Calm down, everything will be fine.
― I… hope so.
After a couple of days, Avelyn was still emotionally down. Of course, it wouldn’t go away so easily, but Elizabeth wanted her to distract herself.
― Hey, would you like to go for a walk? I think it’ll help you clear your head.
Avelyn nodded.
They left around noon.
Avelyn seemed nervous, with her head slightly bowed. Elizabeth, who always appeared confident and calm, looked at her out of the corner of her eye.
After a few minutes, they passed in front of a women’s clothing store. For the first time, Avelyn moved her head to look at the display window and the dresses displayed there. Elizabeth noted immediately, and then she heard her sigh.
She pretended not to notice and they both continued.
A few steps further, Avelyn looked tenser and was firmly holding the front of her t-shirt and the strap of her messenger bag while she lowered her head further. To their side, two teenage girls walked by and they talked with a cheerful tone.
Again, Avelyn sighed.
Are you trying to hide it? Or do you want me to notice? ―Elizabeth asked in her mind ―. What are you trying to tell me?
― This doesn’t seem to be working.
― I’m… sorry, is just that…
― Please don’t apologize! But, now that we’re here, I want to buy myself a new blouse, will you come with me?
― S-sure…
They arrived at a clothing store. Elizabeth pretended to be looking up for clothes but was actually watching for Avelyn’s reaction to being in that place.
She was standing still near the entrance, looking at some dresses.
Then, a sound came out of Avelyn’s bag.
Elizabeth immediately took the first blouse she had in front of her and quickly moved towards Avelyn.
― Oh, a call?
― No… it’s 1:00 pm and I have to take a pill.
Avelyn turned the alarm off and she took a box of pills out of her bag.
Elizabeth watched carefully.
― Haven’t your parents called you?
― It’s on plane mode, and I took the SIM off.
That makes sense, but I’m sure they’re looking for you…
― I see. Well! I’ll go to the fitting rooms and see how this blouse fits me, wait here!
― Mhm ― Avelyn nodded ―.
Elizabeth closed the door and grabbed her smartphone. She started to write a message.
13:48 “What’s up, V? I need info on some pills, their name is…”
A few seconds later she got a reply.
13:49 “Why do you need to know that? You don’t have a reason to take those.”
13:49 “I met a boy and he just took one. I just want to know what it is.”
13:49 “How old is he? It seems weird to me that he has that prescribed to him, in men it causes gynecomastia and it acts as an antiandrogen.”
13:50 “I have no idea what ginandtonic or antihydrogen are. English, please?”
13:51 “It makes breasts develop and it blocks testosterone (A.K.A. “male hormones”) so they don’t work properly.”
Elizabeth’s face lit up from what she had just discovered.
13:51 “Okay, I know what those pills are for. Thanks, V.”
13:52 “Did he tell you why he takes them?”
13:52 “Something like that. She talks in her sleep and yells when awake, and she doesn’t even open her mouth.”
13:52 “She? I thought it was a boy?”
13:52 “Yeah, me too. I’ll explain later.”
Elizabeth came out of the fitting room and went towards Avelyn.
― Nah, I didn’t like it that much. Do you see something you like?
― M-me? ―She reacted timidly ―.
― Yeah, what do you like?
― I… I don’t know much about this.
― I can teach you if you want.
Avelyn kept quiet.
― …or we can come back another day. Let’s go.
They left the store.
Elizabeth tried to make Avelyn less uncomfortable.
― So, tell me… What’s your favorite music?
― I like almost anything, but my favorite is Post-rock.
― Oh, cool! I love Death metal and Math-rock, and anything that’s technical and has guitars.
― Do you play guitar? ― Avelyn asked ―-.
― Yup, but I had to sell my guitars when I was sick, so I haven’t played in a while.
― I’m so sorry. If you ever get a new guitar, could you teach me to play it?
― SURE! ― Elizabeth replied excitedly ―- Yes, I’ll teach you. Sorry, I got a bit too excited. I always wanted to have a band, but I never met the right people.
― I always wanted to learn to play guitar, or bass, or sing, but… I hate my voice, so…
― It’s just a matter of practice. I can teach you how to sing too if you want!
― No, it’s not that… It doesn’t matter.
Elizabeth looked at her for a few seconds. The light that seemed to illuminate her new friend’s eyes was vanishing as she looked saddened again.
It didn’t take long for Lizzy to realize why, and she smiled confidently.
― Your voice is not that deep… ―Elizabeth mumbled ―.
― W-what? ― Avelyn quickly looked at her, surprised ―-
― I’m just saying your voice is not deep. You could sing high notes well; you could even sound like a woman… Sorry! ―Elizabeth laughed as she put her hand on her forehead ―. I don’t know why I said that, I hope I didn’t offend you!
A big smile appeared on Avelyn’s face, and her cheeks turned a deep red.
― No, no! It’s okay! Don’t worry.
They kept walking, and the happy expression on Avelyn’s face took a few minutes to disappear, even though she was trying her best to hide it.
Nailed it! ― Elizabeth exclaimed in her head ―.
Both went back to the apartment. Avelyn seemed to feel better.
― Do you want to read a book? You can borrow anything from the shelf.
― Thanks ― Avelyn replied ―. But I think I’ll read something on my phone.
Through the afternoon, Avelyn’s expression slowly became worried and sad again.
Maybe I should tell her… I want to do it, but… What if she turns her back on me too?
Still, I think she deserves to know the truth. I want to tell her, I want her to know…
I want to exist, at least for someone…
She finally fell asleep.
When Avelyn woke up the next morning, she saw Elizabeth seated at the table, reading.
You let me stay here, and I’m not even… I can’t even be sincere with you.
I feel as if I was lying to you. I lie to everyone. This is not who I am…
― Oh, you’re awake! I was about to wake you up, are you… okay?
Avelyn was visibly troubled.
― I… Don’t. I don’t know.
― Do you want to talk about it?
― Lizzy…
― Yes?
― I’m scared.
― Why? Did something happen?
Elizabeth got closer to Avelyn.
― I can’t thank you enough for all you do for me, and I’ve thought that, if you’re going to let me stay here, at least you should know the truth about me, so you can be sure you don’t want me to leave.
― I don’t want you to feel forced to talk, only do it if you’re ready.
― I want to. The truth is that I want to say it, I’ve wanted to tell someone for too long, but I haven’t trusted anyone enough. I tried to tell my sister, I thought she would understand, but in the end, she left me alone, and if my own parents rejected me, what can I expect from life?
― You can trust me, I won’t leave you and don’t worry. You know? Parents aren’t always right.
― I… I hope you understand. I am… I… If I could have chosen…
If I could have chosen, I would have been born a woman.
---
Goodbye.
I’m gone. Don’t look for me. If you have at least a bit of true love for me, don’t look for me.
I’m tired. I can’t keep living this way.
Sorry for not being the son you expected, but that’s something neither you nor I decided. That’s how it is, this is who I am. It’s not an illness, nor madness. This is what’s inside of me, and if you can’t accept it, it’s better if I leave.
I don’t want you to take me away from myself. I’d rather die, one and a thousand times I’d rather die than live a lie, trying to be something I’m not, trying to make everyone happy but me, with everyone expecting something I cannot give.
Since when is the box more important than the content? I don’t understand why I have to define my life for what’s outside. Isn’t the heart, mind, and soul more valuable than that?
That’s what’s inside of me.
I won’t keep putting up with your hurtful comments, or when you yell at me or hit me, or your disgusted looks and my sister’s silence.
I don’t need to be cured, I need to be loved, for all that I am, with all that I feel.
If you can’t, then I’ll look for someone else, and if there’s no one, then I’ll die alone, but at least I’ll die trying. What I’m really afraid of is never being alive.
I want to live, to be myself, without having to hide and be it at 3:00 am, locked up in my room trying not to make any sound so I won’t wake anybody, I want to be free and not have to hide what makes me happy so you won’t throw it away in the trash every time you find it.
I just want to be myself.
I don’t want to see you again unless you open your hearts and your minds and you’re willing to listen. If not, please, I beg you, unless you want to see me die,
don’t look for me.
---
Comments
Samantha Blacklock
Thank you so much! I'm really happy you have such a good sister to support you and help you, it really makes a lot of difference to have someone in your family you can trust, so I'm so glad you have her! Waiting and hiding are almost torture, so I wish you can have access to HRT really soon and hopefully your parents will listen to you and give you a chance to show them who you really are. I really hope they accept their daughter, they have had her for years, they just didn't know it ^^ <3 My best wishes to you!
Cubes Endurance
The "A big smile appeared on Avelyn’s face, and her cheeks turned a deep red. ― No, no! It’s okay! Don’t worry. They kept walking, and the happy expression on Avelyn’s face took a few minutes to disappear, even though she was trying her best to hide it. Nailed it! ― Elizabeth exclaimed in her head ―. " brought me back to when my sister pushed back the first layer I had developed to fit into my parents conception of a 'son'. Even as a young girl hiding with a boys body, I knew that things were off. I was interested in how it felt to be a women more than 'normal'. At the time I didn't realize what it was and I learned from picking up vibes not to express it. Through later half of elementary school where for some inexplicable reasons there's a segregation between AFAB's and AMAB's (with people like trans, intersex and such being left on an island completely deserted by all). It took along time to realize and I didn't realize till I was 20 years old. At that time things with my parents took a massive dive and now I'm working on slowly preparing them for their daughter and trying to reconnect 2 years later. Putting on a dress, being compared to a women, just like Avelyn brought massive joy. I don't yet have the joy of the medication but it's something that I'm desperately looking forward and now playing the waiting game. In short, your continuation of the story is so raw, real and has that perfect sense of teetering, not sure if they're ready to be cracked or need more time. --- When I first cracked I hated myself very much. I was everything that I had feared. I was going to be judged first by my body, I wasn't going to be actually listened to. I was going to have to be careful walking out alone in the night. I felt helpless and as if I had made the wrong choice when in reality I hadn't made the wrong choice. I had made the right one. But everyone around me was suffocating me and trying to push me back to what they knew as Peter. I ended up having to resign from my job because once I pronouns changed from they/them to she/her. I wasn't good enough, I needed to be mansplained and I was told that I needed to be more of a team player. Thankfully I had a wonderfully supportive sister who helped and continues to help me thru the transition.
