Samantha Blacklock
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Avelyn - For Rosalyn
🕑 Added 2024-01-09 17:47:12 +0000 UTCYou may not know it, as I think there's only a small mention in the letter Lynn left to her parents at the end of chapter 2, but Lynn has an older sister, and her name is Rosalyn. I still don't have any drawing of her or a full description, so I'm sorry I can't give too many details about her, but I guess it's not really necessary for this. This is a letter Lynn wrote for her, and it's supposed to appear several chapters forward, when Rose finds Lynn again, but I wanted to share it with you.
(Please, don't read the chapters already published now, I'm re-writting them because they are awfully written and translated xD so please, wait a bit until they are at least decent.)
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For Rosalyn
I miss spending the afternoon together, learning from you.
I’ve always admired you. More than that, I always wanted to be like you. I mean that in so many ways.
However, I understand that I made you uncomfortable by taking your things. I’m sorry, really. I hated to wear your clothes, I swear, I never wanted to wear them. It’s just that I never had clothes of my own that could make me happy. I had my pants, t-shirts, and shoes. And you have no idea of how much I wanted them to be skirts, blouses, and high heels.
Do you remember that time you painted one of my nails as a joke with your friends? I didn’t want the paint to vanish, ever. I spent all night thinking about how to ask you to paint the other 9 for me, but I knew you would never accept. In the end, I just scraped the polish from my nail, not because I didn’t want to keep it, but because I knew our parents would hang me if they were to see me like that.
And you… You didn’t paint my nail as a way to show your acceptance or love, but as a way to make fun of me.
All I needed was your support.
And no, I am nothing of what you believe me to be, but I didn’t know how to explain it. How could I tell you that I’ve always wanted to be like you?
How could I tell you that not only did I want to be brave, smart, and admired, like you? I also wanted to be pretty, like you. I also wanted to be free, like you. Every time I looked at you, I could only think… “That’s how I should have been.”
When I saw you wearing your prom dress, while I had to wear that boring suit, you had no idea of how much envy I felt. I wish I could have a dress like yours. Do you remember that purple dress Dad tore to pieces last night? It was my “paper wings”. It was my attempt at being like you, even though I knew, I know, I’ll never be.
How could I tell you I wanted to be a woman, like you?
I hate my voice and my body, to the point where it is kind of torture to live with them.
I prayed to God, I asked every saint I could remember, the devil himself, every single shooting star, every piece of trash on sale that promises to fulfill wishes, every candle on a cake every year, and anything else I could think of, to let me wake up the next morning being a girl, but I’m still trapped in this nightmare, and you may think it’s plain stupid, but I’m really in pain.
And, do you know what hurts me the most? That I wanted to trust you and tell you the truth. Every day I felt a bit more desperation to tell you, to beg my dear older sister to please be herself again, care for me, and help me so I could, even if just for a moment, stop feeling so freaking awful with everything that I am. Even if I was nothing but a weirdo, I wanted to beg you to please have mercy on me and decorate my nails with pretty colors, and teach me to apply eyeliner on my lids with that precision so natural of you. I didn’t want you to lend me your clothes, nor anything yours, but to help me get and have something I could call “mine”.
I didn’t mind if I had to spend the rest of my life locked in my room, not letting the daylight touch my skin again, as long as I could have a little piece of all that’s normal for you.
But I know you think I’m a monster, and after last night, I lost all hope of counting on you.
I know what men are like, and I know why you’re afraid I’m just like them, but the truth is that I hate them, I hate every single second near them, and I hate to look like one of them. I like to think that, at least on the inside, I’m completely different from them. I want to think that, at least on the inside, I’m just like you.
Maybe what’s wrong with me is not in my insides but on my outsides.
I’m sorry I was such an inconvenience, a burden on you, and an embarrassment.
I know neither you nor my parents love me, so I’ll leave. Don’t worry. After thinking about it all night, I can say I don’t love any of you either. Also, I don’t hate you. Not you, Rose.
Now all I feel for you is envy.
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Thank you so much Diana and Nina for your help with the translation!! <3
Comments
Samantha Blacklock
<3 *hug*
Karren Seely
oh my, so so many of the things I wanted to tell my sister are in this letter. :./.
OhItsWren
Well, this hit truly close to home...
